Guilty

J-Dub's Confessions

I feel so guilty.  And that makes me imagine all kinds of horrid stuff.  I am a worst case scenario kinda girl.  I do that to protect myself.  Thankfully, in my 52 years on planet Earth, the worst I imagined has never happened.  I brace for the inevitable (the proverbial show to drop) and it never does, not really.  And even when life events come close to being the worst they can be, some strange mind altering reaction occurs and I power through.  I tell my therapist I have no choice but to face adversity head on but she reminds me “Jill, yes, yes you do have a choice!”  My invisible code of ethics just won’t let me ignore that which I believe must be endured.  Martyr much?!?!  Yep I think so.

We are almost at the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. Not chronological anniversary that day passed on March 25th without any fanfare.  Last year Good Friday. Every Good Friday to follow, will be marred for me.  Or not, maybe this year can be a turning point.  Forget the past and moved forward.  Wallowing never helped anyone.  On that day occurred a secret I will take to my grave.  So you ask “What the what?!?!?  Some confession J-Dub.  Don’t leave us hanging”.  Well I have to because the story is not mine to tell.

Here is something completely unrelated that I can confess … since I feel the need to testify. What I don’t know for sure is whether this is real or imagined?  Remember I do that, I make sH*t up.  I assume the worst so when it is not the worst, I can cope with the lesser evil.

Anyway, I think Lulu makes up elaborate stories to explain charges on her credit card so that I do not find out what she is really doing.  I do not believe a word she tells me.  What is wrong with me that I cannot trust my kid?  No trust, zero zilch.  Even before I have evidence.

I only trust one person – my Billy Bob.  Everyone else, you’re on my no trust list. What the hell happened to me to be so broken?  I mean really, c’mon.  My default is the world is evil, trust no one, and all my Pollyanna musings are a big freaking cover.

I’d really like to figure out how I can trust my kid again … until or unless she gives me a reason not to.  I really wish I would not ALWAYS assume she is lying.  And that she is lying to cover her binge eating.

When I share some of Lulu’s zany tales to explain her purchases, with my therapist, WD tells me “Jill you can’t know for sure unless you have proof.”  Thing is my imagination is not proof.  I know that.  Then I think do I really want to live my life as Sherlock Holmes incessantly searching for clues or proof to solve the crime? Or do I want to be in denial.  I think the truth of my want lies somewhere in between.

But alas, my issue is not to solved for today, so off I go … out into the “real” world to visit my other two kids.  If you happen to have an opinion or two, or maybe even three on what one does to learn to trust, feel free to drop in a comment or two, or maybe even three :).  I’d love to hear from you.

As always, more to come.

 

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15 thoughts on “Guilty

  1. I don’t have any kids, but I personally trust nobodaay (well, mostly). All I can say is wait it out. The truth has a way of revealing itself when you least expect it. In the meantime, keep doing what you’re doing and maybe she’ll be the one to come to you? That’s all I’ve got, I hope it’s at least a teeny bit helpful.

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    1. It is very helpful. You’re the second person who has said the truth has a way of revealing itself. I know that to be true. Thing is she already comes to me with elaborate stories about why something happened. I wish she wouldn’t tell me anything. I don’t even think it is a lie by omission. I do not need a play by play of her trips around the city. Thanks for your comment.

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      1. I get that, if she’s not going to be truthful, all of the extra stuff is just unnecessary. I have a family member who does the same thing and it’s extremely frustrating, especially when you know they’re spinning a fairytale. I always think that the energy put into lying could be best used elsewhere but everyone is different. I think that people tend to lie when they feel like they’ll be questioned incessantly or persecuted somehow, but in some cases, it’s just compulsive.

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      2. In her case it is the former. Due to my lack of trust, the questions were incessant and though never my intent my therapist thinks (and I agree) that my standards were exceptionally high for myself and everyone around me. I believe it is her need to please not only me but all people. Better to tell a tale than to be found out and let someone down. Somehow I’ve got to let her know that I am no longer that person. No questions, zero expectations. Ah, this is exhausting. Thanks for the dialog. I appreciate it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Trust, that’s a hard one. I trust God, that’s about it. I only have a handful of people that I can honestly say that I “trust” I think it’s hard, for me at least, with trust when I can’t really say that I trust myself fully. I am flawed, I sometimes see things the way I want them. I can wake up in a foul mood for not good reason, the list could go on. So, how do I even trust myself fully, much less others? LOL Well, that wasn’t very helpful now was it 🙂

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      1. And since you did say post many times this is how I have learned to live with it 🙂 Because I don’t trust naturally, I just started to be… I guess the old saying is “ignorance is bliss” I got tired of trying to figure it all out, make sense of things that I pretty much knew to be BS. It made me more “angry”(if that’s the right word? probably also frustrated, crazy, frazzled too) I decided, ok if someone is going to lie, and I know it’s a lie, then why make myself miserable about it? They are the one who lied, so why am I making myself miserable over it? I didn’t do anything wrong, they did. They are happy, happy, happy, and I am over here making myself miserable trying to make them tell me the truth, or discover the truth. Life’s too short. It was hard at first but I am happier now that I just let it go in one ear and out the other. I also found that once I stopped trying to find out the truth on matters, the truth came to me, in such a way that it couldn’t be denied.

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      2. You are right, life is too short. I am getting a little better at letting it go in one ear and out the other. I don’t say anything because I don’t want a big fight which helps no one. What I really want to tell her is just to stop. She is telling me these things to explain away my reaction that I have not even reacted to yet. Of course she knows the ‘old’ me well who placed all those expectations on her in the first place. She is not quite sure of the ‘new’ me who has changed more than I could have ever imagined. So what if there is a big fat charge on her card at McDonald’s? I no longer even check her card so had she not mentioned it, I might never know. Thanks for the additional comment, it really does help immensely.

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      3. LOL I know what the “old me” was like and believe me N-O-B-O-D-Y liked her. Scared of her actually was probably more accurate. It took a few years, or maybe 10 years 🙂 for it to set in that I was a changing, trying hard not to be that old person anymore. But it sunkin for them, eventually 🙂

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  3. My faith always gives me hope and reminding myself I ought not to put my trust in others but only in God, especially when I’m finding it hard to trust others and especially teenage children! Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God. Psalm 146: 3,5.

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  4. Trust just like respect has to be earned. I deal with it as it comes, one situation at a time. Talking openly about it to clear any misunderstanding and putting everything on the table. Takes away from the guesswork and just know the facts.

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