I Have Decided

Notes From Therapy
  1. September is my favorite month, followed by October then February (except for that pesky Valentines bullshit, February has got it going on)
  2. Ralph Waldo Emerson is my favorite poet and we could all learn a thing or two from Ralphie-poo
  3. Schaeffer Skimmers Book Club is my new favorite pastime
  4. I am not going to open Lulu’s door and check the inside knob for the six¬†lanyards hanging there … because I am sure they still are … hanging there … even after multiple reminders to grab one

I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? ¬†She has to buy another lanyard … with her own money … because the money tree is out of leaves until Thursday.

And for the second time in two days one of my kids has insinuated that I am cheap.  To which I think РNo, I am thrifty.  There is a diff peeps, there really is a difference.

The two unrelated convos went something like this …

#1

Lulu: Mom, did you see my text?  for Hurricane Harvey donations

Me: I’ll look now

All I see is an advertisement for a James Avery charm 100% of proceeds to the hurricane relief and limited free shipping

Me continued: ¬†the heart of TX charm? ¬†That’s cute. ¬†Are you going to buy it?

Lulu: Uh, me?

Me: Well it is for YOU.  Another just because?  We talked about this.  You have a stipend; you need to use your money. Budget.  See if you have enough if you really want the charm.

Lulu: You act like you’re poor. ¬†I’m sure you can afford $40.

Me: Perhaps, but I am making blessing bags.  I do not want a charm.

Stony silence ensued with a refusal to even hug me goodnight

#2

Me: My Kindle is sucking battery like crazy

Pony: Because it’s old, you know you can pick up a paperwhite for $50 bucks

Me: Why would I do that, this one is fine

Pony: Except for short battery life; it’s not like you can’t afford a newer one

When you were raised by two very conservative lived through the depression era parents, you adopt their ways.  Waste not want not and all that good stuff.  Yet my two. Oy Vey! Sacrebleu.

I have decided to live a little. ¬†Very hard for me because I feel super guilty about my good fortune. ¬†My “why me Lord?” is not woeful but more of a really “are you sure it’s me Lord?”

But as was pointed out in my fantastic CBT earlier this week, my good fortune does NOT mean I stole someone else’s share. ¬†We don’t know the reasons why some people have more good fortune than others. ¬†We may never know. ¬†The question becomes, how do want to live our lives? ¬†For me, this means that I have some decisions to make … which started with making those blessing bags. ¬†And finished with me believing that I have no reason to feel guilty. ¬†Yep! I may just get that Kindle paperwhite after all. ¬†I have decided!

As always, more to come.

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Mother Daughter Relationships (Read to End for Song of the Day)

J-Dub's Confessions, Notes From Therapy, Sing Along Song Of The Day ūüé§

My mom would have been 85 years old today.  But she died on January 25, 1998.  The anniversary of her death brings up a multitude of emotions.  Yet I have decided (and my mind has the power to choose) I will not be sad.  I am not going to throw a party either.  Maybe I should though?  All I know for sure is this one fact:

I miss my mommy.  

I know the two of us didn’t corner the market on complex but ours was a twisted relationship. I think if you look up co-dependent in the dictionary, you’d see our pictures and names.  For years I was angry with her and this was AFTER she had died.  Too much left unsaid thanks to the passive aggressive dance we did. Still no one and nothing can replace your momma.

I’m not quite sure why I invariably expect perfection from myself and from those closest to me.  How maddening I must be!   And why do the men in my life get a free pass?  My daddy, B, Pony PERFECT in my eyes.  Not your candy-ass perfect either: Rose colored glasses, rainbows, and unicorn exquisiteness! The girls, well poor Lulu she didn’t stand a chance.  Yet I know in my rational mind, perfection does NOT exist.  I’ve got issues that I am working on this is true.  Another fabulous CBT session yesterday.  Patched me right up and gave me more work to work!

And because of that, I remind myself:

We are all perfectly flawed humans

Perfection is overrated anyway.

As always, more to come.

Three Weeks  

J-Dub's Confessions, Notes From Therapy

Time has a way

Of making one feel

That all is unreal 

I’m dreading the day

Impending doom

Is coming soon

In my mind

Time has a way 

Lame attempt at poetry to kick the blues to the curb but it’s not working.  You see I thought we had all this time.  And we did at first.  But it is gone.  Plans changed.  Forcefully. Repurposed.  Dreams dashed.  Holding on to what used to be or denial or both?   

I know in my heart of hearts there is never a good time.  Sometimes the band aid just has to be ripped off while the chips fall where they may. 
I’m not as sad as her first semester but I’m still wishing for more time before she leaves me again.  I’m still wishing she’d change her mind and stay.  She’s determined even knowing what she knows. What she won’t say out loud.  

I’m praying things will go well.  No reason to assume they won’t. Still I worry.  So I pray ūüôŹ

As always, more to come. 


Five Random Things That Really Excite Me

Book Club, Life, Notes From Therapy, TV, Movies and Music

Sooooo … ¬†how many of you clicked this post just because of the title? ¬†I really want to know. ¬†Well that and this is another shameless plug for interaction. ¬†C’mon, talk to me people! ¬†Go ahead, make my day! ¬†Clint would approve.

This is a wild ride so strap yourself in. ¬†All links are working. ¬†Click them for full effect. ¬†I hear ya, now you’re saying oh fiddle dee dee. ¬†She is so NOT funny. ¬†Good thing she’s an Advisor instead of a comedienne.

But and it’s a BIG butt, I purposely craft my titles to drawn you in. I usually write my stream of consciousness ramble first then I attempt to title cleverly … as my hook.

Five Random Things That Really Excite Me:

  1. I finally downloaded the Calm app that I’ve heard so much about. ¬†In actuality I guess this app should soothe me not excite me. ¬†I’ve briefly looked and it appears to be pay for service. ¬†Ugh, I’m getting excited ¬†again. ¬†Bullshit to pay for calm. ¬†Calm should be fucking free! But alas I guess someone’s got to make a living somehow. ¬†Might just delete the mofo app and stay perpetually irritated. ¬†ūüėā
  2. They … as in those Hollywood types have adapted The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. ¬†Movie due out 8/11. ¬†Mini rabbit hole. ¬†Two dear women from work retire that day. ¬†8/11 is my new favorite day. ¬†Happy for them. ¬†Wishing I was the one retiring. ¬†¬†Anyhoo, Hip hip hurrah!!! ¬† I read the book almost a year ago and loved it …¬†here is my quick review¬†. ¬†A story of perseverance amidst mental illness of both parents. I wonder how they’ll treat the family land portion of her story. ¬†Woody Harrelson is perfectly cast as the patriarch. He might not even have to stretch to play the role. Did I tell ya? I’ve got a thing for bad boys. They too¬†excite me ūüėā
  3. We’re putting an offer on a home away from home. ¬†Leap of faith. ¬†What’s the worse that can happen? ¬†Don’t answer that. ¬†This my friends is a good thing. ¬†Despite me giving up all that I hold dear for the one person who matters most. ¬†I’d live under a bridge with my Billy Bob. ¬†I already have crappy internet and wild animals anyway. ¬†Why not next level that sH!t? ¬† I’ll be fine as long as I have my books. ¬†Wonder if drones will deliver 25 miles outside of Rockspringsūüėā. Now that’s exciting right??? ¬†J-Dub and B squared become mountain folk. ¬†I become all Katniss in Hunger Games and harvest what I eat with bow and arrow. ¬†Oh who the hell I am kidding? ¬†I will keep an apartment in the city. ¬†Which city is TBD!! ¬†EXCITING!!!!
  4. I got my Ancestry DNA kit results yesterday.  No big surprise.  This is moi:
    Europe Р93%, West Asia Р4%,  Africa 2% and less than 1% Pacific Islander
    61% Europe West (Belgium, France, Germany, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Slovania, Czech Republic, Italy)
    17% – Ireland
    6% – Scandinavia (Sweden, Norway, Denmark)
    5% – Greece
    2% – Iberian Peninsula (Spain, Portugal)
    < 1% Finland/Northwest Russia
     < 1%Europe East
    ¬†What to make of these results is a post for another day. ¬†I did find 443 DNA 4th cousins or closer. ¬†Exciting! Right ?!?!? ¬†I might just send them a message and ask if I am the skeleton in their hypothetical closets. Boo! or Surprise! or Honey I’m home ūüôā
  5. And last but certainly not least … the most exciting piece … CBT was the bomb diggity today. ¬†I’ve got a plan. ¬†And I’m working the plan. ¬†I am giving up control that I never really had in the first place. ¬†God will take care of me. ¬†I hear He has a soft spot for fools. ¬†I feel the weight of the world lifting up, up and away. ¬†And if I had magical powers, peace would be the experience happening to all of you.

As always, more to come.

The Dream Police

J-Dub's Confessions, Life, Music To My Ears, Notes From Therapy

They live inside in my head ~ Cheap Trick

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger asked his readership 

Do you remember your dreams?

I wish I could remember who he was in order to pingback and credit but I only commented instead of Like so I cannot find his original post.  If he happens to see this then shout out as I would love to recognize you.  

My answer was “Ever since I started airing my subconscious through blogging, I quit dreaming.  If I do dream, I don’t remember”

Then yesterday Lulu got the all clear.  Her doctor said she’d see her in a year for routine annual checkup.  Of course if something feels off she shouldn’t wait and should to go back right away.  But basically she’s ok to proceed with life as she knew it. 

I remember life as she knew it.  I don’t want to go back there.  I want her to move forward.  All of a sudden I’m panicking.  She’ll be leaving us again. 

I really had no idea how much I was repressing my worry.  Sure, I let a few things slip out.  Don’t laugh.   Ok laugh.  I let everything hang out.  This is me cycling:

Blab, blab, blab – feel better!

Rinse and repeat ūüė≥

And the undercurrent of worry was always there.   After her appointment I felt sweet relief.  I also could not come up with a coherent thought to blog our good news. 

Last night, I put all my devices away. 

I even took my glasses off so I could not see to read.  

I was forced to just sit in my feelings until I went to bed. 

Billy Bob’s alarm goes off at 5 AM each workday and my alarm does not go off until 6.  Alarm is on my side of the bed.  Uh duh! I control time and space ūüöÄ.  ūüėā

This morning when I turned off the 5 AM alarm, I fell back into a very deep sleep and I had a dream.  A weird dream.  

Red altar server robes and coffins.  A woman refusing to participate saying incense and holy water were sacrilege.  Telling me I’m going to hell.  I’ve served Mass for a few funerals in my day and incense and holy water are part of the service. 

In the dream, I’m trying to explain the ritual when the sprinkling of holy water becomes a deluge.  Water is rushing and we’re being soaked as the priest now throws water on us.  I feel like I’m drowning. 

Then I hear an escalating beep! beep! beep!

My alarm blasts! As I come to, my pillow is wet!   … from my own drooling.  I haven’t slept that good since before we had kids. 

I’m hoping to rinse and repeat.  I want to sleep like that every night for the rest of my life.  Sans any weird dreams.  

As always more to come. 

Bookmarks and Fairy Tales

Book Club, Notes From Therapy

I continue reading The Bright Hour and I’m still enraptured. ¬† This book, reminds me of another book: ¬†The Woman at the Washington Zoo by Marjorie Williams. Both books were written by mothers who passed away from cancer before their time. ¬†Both leave behind young children. ¬†That’s where the similarities end. ¬†One is about living with terminal illness; the other is about being a female Washington Insider in a man’s world.

The only reason this post is tagged book club is because book titles are included.  This is not a book review.  Instead this post is therapy.  Writing to relieve my anxiety.

Yesterday as Lulu and I were out and about, we stopped at Barnes and Nobles. ¬†She was picking up Grimm’s Complete Fairy Tales.

IMG_2792

We also added on two bookmarks. ¬†Hers was serious We are Stardust Meant to Shine. ¬†Mine was cheeky – Never Judge a Book by it’s Movie. ¬†I mentioned to her that I wished I could find the bookmark she made for me. ¬†A mother’s day gift one school year … either kindergarten or first grade. ¬†I asked her if she remembered giving me that and of course she did. ¬†I used that bookmark exclusively until it went missing sometime around 2005. ¬†The unfortunate event of 2006 really shook up the place. ¬†There are still items which are missing.

Lost. Forever. Some. Irreplaceble.

Timing is everything y’all. ¬†Fast forward to today. ¬†I am all by my lonesome (correction was by my lonesome … they are home again). ¬†Lulu and Billy Bob took in a movie without me. ¬†They needed space from me as I have not been very good company of late. ¬†As much as I think I hide my emotions, I don’t. ¬†I have always worn and will always wear my heart on my sleeve.

I am sipping my coffee, lounging and reading The Bright Hour which I only got yesterday after waiting patiently for a copy to become available from holds.  Serenedity that the book became available when it did.

Quite honestly though I am sad.  The topic is sad.  Yet bittersweet because death is written about as living.  LIVING with a terminal illness.

That bittersweetness set in motion the my memory of The Woman at the Washington Zoo.

My thought bubble: I know I have that book somewhere.  But where?  I will probably re-read it after finishing up The Bright Hour.

Me walking around the house … checking. ¬†Me going into Pony’s old room … now our office. ¬†Me missing the good old days … wishing for another chance.

Ah ha!

I spy with my little eye.  Grabbing the book off the top shelf. Eureka!

img_2789

As I open the book, this falls out …

The hole punch used to have a yarn tail in it. ¬†The paper strip is covering Lulu’s name … ¬†written is a childish scrawl. ¬†Same as when I see my mom’s writing, tears spring to my eyes.

This is the lucky cat which she is still very fond of even to this day. ¬† I acknowledge we’ve been to hell and back … the surgery sure but even before that. ¬†Stories that I dance around as they are not mine to tell. ¬†Times when the weight of those thoughts are too hard to bear, I write my feelings without specifics. ¬†Hinting and hoping maybe someone will guess. ¬†Until then luck or faith, perhaps both sees us through.

As always, more to come.

 

This has to stop

Book Club, J-Dub's Confessions, Life, Notes From Therapy

I picked up two new books.  One is a jaunty spoof on Hollywood and tabloid reporting.  The other a true story on death and dying.  I start reading the jaunty spoof first because after Luckiest Girl Alive, I needed something more uplifting.

Well, … I cannot get interested in the spoof. ¬†Reads farcical (if that’s even a word???). ¬†I have already jumped to the ending and read that … a bad habit that I quit doing years ago … skipping to end and reading the final paragraphs first … anyone else do that?

Anyway just blah ūüė¶

So I start on the true story.  I am hooked.  Emotionally connected.  Crying like a baby.  So much so I had to take a break and purge these feelings.  Because all the while, things are a train wreck around here.

We tried to have a good day. ¬†Really we did. ¬†The three amigos – Billy, Lulu and I ate breakfast then headed to Home Depot (there’s a boat load of home maintenance going on around here). ¬†Shower leaking with first attempt at DIY by da man, two new ceiling fans for den, moving one of the old fans into our room, new kitchen sink!

So we would not be in his way, Lulu and I dropped Big B off at home with the goods, then headed back out for pedis.  Milk and honey with 30 minute massages.  Heavenly!!

Followed by return to Bed, Bath and Beyond since Amazon had better deal on my coffee mug tree. Then over to Barnes and Nobles to use our coupons for bookmarks and fairy tales.

We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory and even used valet parking. Tre chic.  I was content and grateful.  Blessed to be able to do this when so many go without.  Some days I have to pinch myself.

Next stops Sherman Williams (final three gallons of paint so B can finally finish up the exterior as if all the interior work is not enough for one day), CVS (for RX because we are a Big pharma’s dream. ¬†Sidebar, that topic could become a rant onto its’ own and maybe it will one day) and library to get the death and dying book which had been on hold.

All the while there is an undercurrent of doom and gloom. ¬†Almost time to make the dorm payment but wondering do we hold off in case she can’t go back? ¬†She does not have the all clear and might be easy to say “it’s nothing until it’s something”¬†but truth is we do not know.

All this waiting sucks. ¬†There is a¬†cloud of doubt weighing heavy on our minds. Well, my mind anyway. ¬†I carry the weight alone. ¬†I am fine most of the time but in quiet moments, fear makes an attack. ¬†But I keep my big mouth shut. ¬†Well, except for when I don’t … which is far too often … and except for here, of course.

What’s the worst that could happen? ¬†The tests reveal the need for another surgery (I stop short of thinking it’s cancer. ¬†That was ruled out!!!!). ¬†She has endured far worse things. ¬†I have to remember she is strong.

What’s the worst that could happen? ¬†The surgery causes her to drop out or maybe just delay her education. ¬†She has endured far worse things. ¬†I have to remember she is strong.

What’s the worst that could happen?¬†This has to stop! ¬†

I am making stuff up. ¬†Going through all my worst case scenarios. ¬†Maybe ALL of this is a blessing in disguise. ¬†This! whatever this? turns out to be. ¬†I am going to quit now while we’re ahead.

As always, more to come.

Pre-Protest Prepping

Because We All Need A Little Levity, Music To My Ears, Notes From Therapy

I am pre-protest prepping as they say.  Or I am P cubed.  And no I will not go down the nasty path again.  Been there and done that earlier today.  Had fun doing so.  Hehe.

Who are “they” you ask?  Well “they” are the people who say things.  You know them.  They are the authority on stuff. And I have come to the recent conclusion that “THEY” think I will go down in flames on Thursday July 6, 2017 … in the year of our lord … at 10 AM CST … to be specific … because … I am not a lawyer … I just play one on TV.  Seriously, don’t count me out folks, I will go down swinging.

I am woman hear me roar,  all Helen Reddy-esque.    That’s a link to the worst song ever.  One of worst anyway.  Do NOT go back and listen.  LOL ūüôā Said song is almost as bad as Muskrat Love which is a song not to be out done by Delta Freaking Dawn.  LOL :).  I tagged this music to my ears but … NOT!

YES I am laughing my ass off and YES I am easily amused and YES I am HAPPY!  For the first time in quite a while actually.  I have un-stuffed my stuff and that feels wonderful. I left today’s therapy session with three workbooks to work and six prescriptions.  The RX was free of charge (well of course because they are fake) AND I didn’t have to go to CVS to claim them (well of course because they are fake).  Yes my record skipped.

So anyhoo, are you ready for life altering news?!?!?  The cures to all that ails me in no particular order are water, food, sleep, exercise, sunshine and FUN!

Yep, FUN.  The next best F word.  Second only to Fudgesicle.  Somebody stop me!

Don’t you just love my featured image?  That’s ME channeling my inner Jim Carrey.  Or I should say that will be ME after I WIN my protest come this Thursday.

As always, more to come.

On this day one year ago

Notes From Therapy

The following came up in my memories dated exactly one year ago.   Lulu and I were in CC at her orientation.  On the surface all was shiny but underneath there was an undercurrent of turmoil.  

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I was attempting poetry.  Pre-therapy ordered though. My own coping mechanism brought forward from my youth.  

Sometimes I wonder why we do this to ourselves

The pressure for perfection is intense yet there is no such thing

 Just beyond our grasps forever eluding our capture

 I want all this but at what cost? 

 Is it worth it? 

 Doesn’t peace of mind mean anything? 

I want to tell her the truth

I wish she’d Fail! Quit! Surrender!

That way she can believe there is light and life even after

As always more to come

A Club You Never Want To Join 

Notes From Therapy

More practice for therapeutic reasons.  Poetry in motion. Trying to purge these painful feelings.  Remembering Jimbo Pete and others who suffered or are suffering personally or peripherally from the grip of addiction.  

He commented on the postcard 

“My screensaver”

Memories of a better time

I thought 

This is what it’s like to meet a movie star

Or someone famous

Notorious really

But in a good way

The BEST way

In a beautifully sad way

The lines on his face 

The tired bloodshot eyes

The simple gold band

A survivor of loss 

Whose pain was displayed

For the greater good

But for the Grace of God there go I