Pre-Protest Prepping

Because We All Need A Little Levity, Music To My Ears, Notes From Therapy

I am pre-protest prepping as they say.  Or I am P cubed.  And no I will not go down the nasty path again.  Been there and done that earlier today.  Had fun doing so.  Hehe.

Who are “they” you ask?  Well “they” are the people who say things.  You know them.  They are the authority on stuff. And I have come to the recent conclusion that “THEY” think I will go down in flames on Thursday July 6, 2017 … in the year of our lord … at 10 AM CST … to be specific … because … I am not a lawyer … I just play one on TV.  Seriously, don’t count me out folks, I will go down swinging.

I am woman hear me roar,  all Helen Reddy-esque.    That’s a link to the worst song ever.  One of worst anyway.  Do NOT go back and listen.  LOL ūüôā Said song is almost as bad as Muskrat Love which is a song not to be out done by Delta Freaking Dawn.  LOL :).  I tagged this music to my ears but … NOT!

YES I am laughing my ass off and YES I am easily amused and YES I am HAPPY!  For the first time in quite a while actually.  I have un-stuffed my stuff and that feels wonderful. I left today’s therapy session with three workbooks to work and six prescriptions.  The RX was free of charge (well of course because they are fake) AND I didn’t have to go to CVS to claim them (well of course because they are fake).  Yes my record skipped.

So anyhoo, are you ready for life altering news?!?!?  The cures to all that ails me in no particular order are water, food, sleep, exercise, sunshine and FUN!

Yep, FUN.  The next best F word.  Second only to Fudgesicle.  Somebody stop me!

Don’t you just love my featured image?  That’s ME channeling my inner Jim Carrey.  Or I should say that will be ME after I WIN my protest come this Thursday.

As always, more to come.

On this day one year ago

Notes From Therapy

The following came up in my memories dated exactly one year ago.   Lulu and I were in CC at her orientation.  On the surface all was shiny but underneath there was an undercurrent of turmoil.  

The more things change, the more they stay the same.  I was attempting poetry.  Pre-therapy ordered though. My own coping mechanism brought forward from my youth.  

Sometimes I wonder why we do this to ourselves

The pressure for perfection is intense yet there is no such thing

 Just beyond our grasps forever eluding our capture

 I want all this but at what cost? 

 Is it worth it? 

 Doesn’t peace of mind mean anything? 

I want to tell her the truth

I wish she’d Fail! Quit! Surrender!

That way she can believe there is light and life even after

As always more to come

A Club You Never Want To Join 

Notes From Therapy

More practice for therapeutic reasons.  Poetry in motion. Trying to purge these painful feelings.  Remembering Jimbo Pete and others who suffered or are suffering personally or peripherally from the grip of addiction.  

He commented on the postcard 

“My screensaver”

Memories of a better time

I thought 

This is what it’s like to meet a movie star

Or someone famous

Notorious really

But in a good way

The BEST way

In a beautifully sad way

The lines on his face 

The tired bloodshot eyes

The simple gold band

A survivor of loss 

Whose pain was displayed

For the greater good

But for the Grace of God there go I

Lame Attempt At Poetry

Notes From Therapy

I feel guilty.  I want to save (control) the situation.  Need to work on not being a martyr.  Writing out the feelings.  Let’s see if this helps?!?

There is the pit

In my stomach

Tingling and nervous energy

That I would not wish on my own worst enemy

Thoughts racing like a fire that burns

Sitting placidly while the insides turn

This anxious seed grows

From a place that seeks to control

And seeks to make her whole

While trying to save my soul

As always more to come. 

Don’t Do That¬†

Notes From Therapy

I make myself sick with worry by reading “stuff”.  By stuff I mean an eclectic variety of crap.  From medical journals to “real” life current events.  

Not sure why I put “real” in quotation marks except to distinguish “real” life from fake life. ūüėā

Anyway I digress.  

In therapy, I occasionally quote from various pieces of work that I’ve read. A few sessions ago, I got the best advice ever… simple really… and achievable … Don’t do that!

If reading WebMD makes me worry then don’t read it.  Ah ha!   And it’s not denial.  Especially because as I read, I try to draw conclusions aka J-Dub is just making sH!t up! Don’t do that! Avoiding sources of distress is helpful. Actually avoiding sources of distress is common sense!  

I’m also going to quit watching Snapped, Snapped Killer Couples, Dateline, and the like…  I mean really?!?  What purpose does that serve except to help me see more evil in the world.  Instead I need sunshine and rainbows.  We all do!

As always more to come. 

Perceived Weakness 

Notes From Therapy

I’ve been thinking a lot about this issue as I do the work toward self improvement. All my failings and perceived weaknesses are really displays of strength and fortitude.  

I double dog dare you to live my life. The incessant thoughts lying to me.  Trying to tear me down yet I’m still here.  One day at a time has never been more apropos.  

Anyway not quite the big breakthrough I was hoping for; instead quiet permission to be ok.  Ok is good enough.  I got this.  At least in this second.  No guarantees of sustainment which is more proof of resilience. I know I will fall. What’s new for me is that now is I know I will get up again.  

As always more to come. 


Notes From Therapy

I see her text in all CAPS.  I can’t make out what it says but it’s clear all CAPS means anger.  

Today is pathology day. 

We’re early of course.  That’s my curse.  I’m a horrible judge of time.  If I think about all the time I’ve wasted waiting, I’m disgusted.  

Disgusted might not be the most accurate word. But really?  What a waste!!

Oh well hell. 

Name called; look given; then she growls “I’m going back by myself.”  

I guess I should be grateful she is independent but still stings.  

I want to disappear.  To go away to a place where I can soothe my worried mind.  Hopefully soon … very soon. 

As always more to come 

Self introspection 

Notes From Therapy

Why oh why

Do the butterflies fly

Defying reason

Counting blessings

Why oh why

Do I feel this way

Despite all that is good

Oh so good 

Why oh why

Can’t I see

All that is right

In front of me

If I figure it out

And have no doubt

Will I cease to be

Above is an attempt at poetry. Not sure it qualifies.  Lots of work to do.  CBT went well yesterday. Now is time to practice.  

As always more to come. 

It’s How I Deal

Notes From Therapy

I stayed home and Billy is at the hospital.  I’m “nesting” for Lulu’s return. Which may actually be tomorrow ūüė≥. I’ve washed towels and bed linens. I’ve dusted, swept, mopped and vacuumed.  The diffuser is diffusing.  I cleared off the countertops and for no good reason organized this cabinet.  

All lids present and accounted for.  Tops without bottoms or bottoms without tops went in recycling.  Now before recycling, I was a hoarder.  I can’t stand to throw anything away even when it’s not needed. 

My motto “if you’ve got time to lean, you’ve got time to clean”.  ūü§£.  Not really.  Today just might be a momentous occasion.  Plus I figured Big B needed a break. After all he’s a much better housekeeper than I am!

As always more to come 

I’m Trying to Be All Tech Saavy

J-Dub's Confessions, Notes From Therapy

Today I posted an introduction to a new category. ¬†For some reason, the post that was to follow immediately after¬†the introduction is not showing up where I thought it would. And I guess, … no, I know … that I solved the mystery. ¬†I started the post on 4/19/17, right after the appointment. ¬†There the words¬†sat, getting dusty until today when I decided to create this new little home for these nuggets of therapy gold. ¬†I posted quite a few things after 4/19/17 which caused this entry to be placed ahead of some that were more recent.

Here is that Entry reposted to move up the line in chronological order.  The words are raw to me yet still I am compelled to share.  I am really going out there on a limb without saying too much.  At least I hope not too much.  Speaking in semi innuendo.  This is read-between the lines code speak.

Not that long ago someone said my words would come back to punish me. ¬†Yes punish was what she said. ¬†Something along the lines about whether I cared what people thought about me? ¬†And was I just seeking attention? ¬†I do not think she is alone in her beliefs and her caring to tell me this has made me all the more reluctant to share anything else. ¬†Consequences. ¬†I had not stopped to think about the consequences. ¬†¬†Yet here I am, consequences be damned. ¬†Well sort of, or maybe, or not really. ¬†You’ll understand IF you read the entry.

As always, more to come.