Random Musings 6/11/19

many things are 

worse than this

still I wonder

what gives?

how much more

can one man stand?

deep in thoughts

churning

racing

until out they come

fear erasing

sweet relief

by J-Dub © 6/9/19 posted 6/11/19

I remember (or do I?) as a kid how I’d write to release my anxiety.  Better out than in.  #AmIright?  What’s with all this #nonsense.  #lol. #justkiddingIlovehashtags

Funny how in absence of any adult assistance my mind self-soothed.  Until 1999ish when the bough broke and the cradle fell down.  That is definitely not a dig at my parents.  Both happened to be from the pull up your boot straps generation.  You didn’t talk about such matters.  Mind your own business and all that jazz.  I was simply sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve.

I decided to write this post to go back to my roots as it were.  I am not playing the blame game any longer.  People quite simply make stuff up.  I am people! They I want answers to why … even when sometimes there are no answers.  If you are not the “norm” you must have been traumatized or abused in some horrific way.

But that’s a fallacy or circular logic.  Not all depressed people were traumatized.  Many? Perhaps? But not ALL.  Life is rarely lived in absolutes.  Nope, I am not in denial.  Nothing made me this way!!!!!!

I yam what I yam √† la Popeye.  I accept myself flaws and all.  And in spite of all my protesting to the contrary, I am a HAPPY person who laughs often … all day every day.  Sure at myself but that’s still laughing.  I even told my doctor I was in the best/worst head space of my life.  Best because I can talk myself off the ledge in 0 to 6 seconds.  I stomp my anxiety!  I am self-aware!!! Worst, there is just more stuff to wrap my brain around.  My worry list keeps growing. At least I recognize I’m MSU.

Now the proverbial question is why can’t I accept what’s up with my kiddo?  Why do I obsess and look for reasons why?  Why do I blame myself. Not B, just me! I’m the culprit. If only, if only, if only … then what?!?  Would that make any difference?  Nope.  Not one iota.  And now that I have used iota in a sentence I can move along.  Hehe.  Iota.  I love that word. 

Acceptance is the answer my friends.  I never needed AA but I will borrow their universally applied sageness.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

https://youtu.be/aQUlA8Hcv4s

As always, more to come.

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I Believe I‚Äôve Been Kicked To The Curb

Guess I’ll have to play the game what else could it be?

Anxiety is no fun.

Jumping to worst case scenario is no fun.

So my appointment was going to be delayed but instead I opted to completely reschedule.

My frantic mind assumes scheduling conflicts will go in ad nauseam.

Did I use that term correctly?

What else could it be besides no body likes me everybody hates me I’m gonna eat some worms?

Ugh mo. I’ve officially lost it y’all.

As always more to come.

#FlashFiction ~ Invisible

I gone and done did it.  After reading an article on a work related site, I took my FB app off my phone.  Then I wrote the following quick piece:

Robyn: If I go off social media, I will disappear.  Small consolation to the horrors of being alive.

Peter: Really? People are fighting for their lives right now and you? you take your good health for granted.

Robyn: Don’t you think I know that?¬† All those who struggle makes me feel guilty.¬† As for good¬†health, you have no idea. I’ve tried to explain this to you.¬† Mental illness does exist. But it is invisible! Even physical pain is not always visible.¬† I suffer in silence.

Peter:  Not today.  Broken record. Poor Robyn.  Woe is me.  You really need to get over it already.

Robyn: I am unravelling as we sit here. Don’t you see that?¬† Like I said, you have no idea.

End scene.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard this sentiment.¬† Makes me angry and sad at the same time. Screw ’em.¬† I had a therapist who used to tell me to do that … to say screw ’em and mentally prepare myself every time I was faced with negativity or really anything anxiety provoking that was beyond my control. For a brief time that helped until it didn’t.

As always, more to come.

Random Stuff

I had a very good session today. I’m going to accept what I can’t change aka control. I’ve been fighting against acceptance as if accepting means failure. It doesn’t. The serenity prayer can be multi purpose. I felt the anxiety lifting.

Tomorrow is cast check. I vacillate between I’ve wished myself well and I’ve got some rare disease they’ve never seen before. I’ve already decided if I have to wear a cast for three more weeks, I’ll request festive colors.

Such a good day. Bonus is the kitties are coming for a visit. Until Saturday!!! Ah the love ‚̧ԳŹ can you feel it?

As always more to come.

I Missed An Appointment

Bound to happen sooner or later.¬† I’ve got lists for lists of lists of things to do.¬† I had written down an appointment but failed to add it to my Outlook.¬† I live by my calendar in Outlook y’all.¬† Those reminders are key!¬† When I got the text, are you ok? I have you at 1:00 today, my brain roils.¬† What day is it anyway?¬† How could I forget?¬† What else have I forgotten?¬† Am I losing my religion? REM! ‚̧

Well, I’ve got reasons ahem OR excuses.¬† None are very good.¬† I FEEL awful!!!

Worst part is I NEEDED this particular appointment and I had the time available.¬† Especially since I’ve already hit close to 40 hours this week and I still have all day tomorrow.¬† A little two hour breather (including travel time) was sorely missed AND just what the doctor ordered. I guess you guys are filling in. Release the hounds! Eeehhh. nevermind.¬† Bedtime.¬† Sweet Dreams Angels.

As always, more to come.

I Have Decided

  1. September is my favorite month, followed by October then February (except for that pesky Valentines bullshit, February has got it going on)
  2. Ralph Waldo Emerson is my favorite poet and we could all learn a thing or two from Ralphie-poo
  3. Schaeffer Skimmers Book Club is my new favorite pastime
  4. I am not going to open Lulu’s door and check the inside knob for the six¬†lanyards hanging there … because I am sure they still are … hanging there … even after multiple reminders to grab one

I mean what’s the worst thing that can happen? ¬†She has to buy another lanyard … with her own money … because the money tree is out of leaves until Thursday.

And for the second time in two days one of my kids has insinuated that I am cheap.  To which I think РNo, I am thrifty.  There is a diff peeps, there really is a difference.

The two unrelated convos went something like this …

#1

Lulu: Mom, did you see my text?  for Hurricane Harvey donations

Me: I’ll look now

All I see is an advertisement for a James Avery charm 100% of proceeds to the hurricane relief and limited free shipping

Me continued: ¬†the heart of TX charm? ¬†That’s cute. ¬†Are you going to buy it?

Lulu: Uh, me?

Me: Well it is for YOU.  Another just because?  We talked about this.  You have a stipend; you need to use your money. Budget.  See if you have enough if you really want the charm.

Lulu: You act like you’re poor. ¬†I’m sure you can afford $40.

Me: Perhaps, but I am making blessing bags.  I do not want a charm.

Stony silence ensued with a refusal to even hug me goodnight

#2

Me: My Kindle is sucking battery like crazy

Pony: Because it’s old, you know you can pick up a paperwhite for $50 bucks

Me: Why would I do that, this one is fine

Pony: Except for short battery life; it’s not like you can’t afford a newer one

When you were raised by two very conservative lived through the depression era parents, you adopt their ways.  Waste not want not and all that good stuff.  Yet my two. Oy Vey! Sacrebleu.

I have decided to live a little. ¬†Very hard for me because I feel super guilty about my good fortune. ¬†My “why me Lord?” is not woeful but more of a really “are you sure it’s me Lord?”

But as was pointed out in my fantastic CBT earlier this week, my good fortune does NOT mean I stole someone else’s share. ¬†We don’t know the reasons why some people have more good fortune than others. ¬†We may never know. ¬†The question becomes, how do want to live our lives? ¬†For me, this means that I have some decisions to make … which started with making those blessing bags. ¬†And finished with me believing that I have no reason to feel guilty. ¬†Yep! I may just get that Kindle paperwhite after all. ¬†I have decided!

As always, more to come.

Mother Daughter Relationships (Read to End for Song of the Day)

My mom would have been 85 years old today.  But she died on January 25, 1998.  The anniversary of her death brings up a multitude of emotions.  Yet I have decided (and my mind has the power to choose) I will not be sad.  I am not going to throw a party either.  Maybe I should though?  All I know for sure is this one fact:

I miss my mommy.  

I know the two of us didn’t corner the market on complex but ours was a twisted relationship. I think if you look up co-dependent in the dictionary, you’d see our pictures and names.  For years I was angry with her and this was AFTER she had died.  Too much left unsaid thanks to the passive aggressive dance we did. Still no one and nothing can replace your momma.

I’m not quite sure why I invariably expect perfection from myself and from those closest to me.  How maddening I must be!   And why do the men in my life get a free pass?  My daddy, B, Pony PERFECT in my eyes.  Not your candy-ass perfect either: Rose colored glasses, rainbows, and unicorn exquisiteness! The girls, well poor Lulu she didn’t stand a chance.  Yet I know in my rational mind, perfection does NOT exist.  I’ve got issues that I am working on this is true.  Another fabulous CBT session yesterday.  Patched me right up and gave me more work to work!

And because of that, I remind myself:

We are all perfectly flawed humans

Perfection is overrated anyway.

As always, more to come.

Three Weeks  

Time has a way

Of making one feel

That all is unreal 

I’m dreading the day

Impending doom

Is coming soon

In my mind

Time has a way 

Lame attempt at poetry to kick the blues to the curb but it’s not working.  You see I thought we had all this time.  And we did at first.  But it is gone.  Plans changed.  Forcefully. Repurposed.  Dreams dashed.  Holding on to what used to be or denial or both?   

I know in my heart of hearts there is never a good time.  Sometimes the band aid just has to be ripped off while the chips fall where they may. 
I’m not as sad as her first semester but I’m still wishing for more time before she leaves me again.  I’m still wishing she’d change her mind and stay.  She’s determined even knowing what she knows. What she won’t say out loud.  

I’m praying things will go well.  No reason to assume they won’t. Still I worry.  So I pray ūüôŹ

As always, more to come. 


Five Random Things That Really Excite Me

Sooooo … ¬†how many of you clicked this post just because of the title? ¬†I really want to know. ¬†Well that and this is another shameless plug for interaction. ¬†C’mon, talk to me people! ¬†Go ahead, make my day! ¬†Clint would approve.

This is a wild ride so strap yourself in. ¬†All links are working. ¬†Click them for full effect. ¬†I hear ya, now you’re saying oh fiddle dee dee. ¬†She is so NOT funny. ¬†Good thing she’s an Advisor instead of a comedienne.

But and it’s a BIG butt, I purposely craft my titles to drawn you in. I usually write my stream of consciousness ramble first then I attempt to title cleverly … as my hook.

Five Random Things That Really Excite Me:

  1. I finally downloaded the Calm app that I’ve heard so much about. ¬†In actuality I guess this app should soothe me not excite me. ¬†I’ve briefly looked and it appears to be pay for service. ¬†Ugh, I’m getting excited ¬†again. ¬†Bullshit to pay for calm. ¬†Calm should be fucking free! But alas I guess someone’s got to make a living somehow. ¬†Might just delete the mofo app and stay perpetually irritated. ¬†ūüėā
  2. They … as in those Hollywood types have adapted The Glass Castle by Jeanette Walls. ¬†Movie due out 8/11. ¬†Mini rabbit hole. ¬†Two dear women from work retire that day. ¬†8/11 is my new favorite day. ¬†Happy for them. ¬†Wishing I was the one retiring. ¬†¬†Anyhoo, Hip hip hurrah!!! ¬† I read the book almost a year ago and loved it …¬†here is my quick review¬†. ¬†A story of perseverance amidst mental illness of both parents. I wonder how they’ll treat the family land portion of her story. ¬†Woody Harrelson is perfectly cast as the patriarch. He might not even have to stretch to play the role. Did I tell ya? I’ve got a thing for bad boys. They too¬†excite me ūüėā
  3. We’re putting an offer on a home away from home. ¬†Leap of faith. ¬†What’s the worse that can happen? ¬†Don’t answer that. ¬†This my friends is a good thing. ¬†Despite me giving up all that I hold dear for the one person who matters most. ¬†I’d live under a bridge with my Billy Bob. ¬†I already have crappy internet and wild animals anyway. ¬†Why not next level that sH!t? ¬† I’ll be fine as long as I have my books. ¬†Wonder if drones will deliver 25 miles outside of Rockspringsūüėā. Now that’s exciting right??? ¬†J-Dub and B squared become mountain folk. ¬†I become all Katniss in Hunger Games and harvest what I eat with bow and arrow. ¬†Oh who the hell I am kidding? ¬†I will keep an apartment in the city. ¬†Which city is TBD!! ¬†EXCITING!!!!
  4. I got my Ancestry DNA kit results yesterday.  No big surprise.  This is moi:
    Europe Р93%, West Asia Р4%,  Africa 2% and less than 1% Pacific Islander
    61% Europe West (Belgium, France, Germany, Netherlands, Switzerland, Luxembourg, Liechtenstein, Slovania, Czech Republic, Italy)
    17% – Ireland
    6% – Scandinavia (Sweden, Norway, Denmark)
    5% – Greece
    2% – Iberian Peninsula (Spain, Portugal)
    < 1% Finland/Northwest Russia
     < 1%Europe East
    ¬†What to make of these results is a post for another day. ¬†I did find 443 DNA 4th cousins or closer. ¬†Exciting! Right ?!?!? ¬†I might just send them a message and ask if I am the skeleton in their hypothetical closets. Boo! or Surprise! or Honey I’m home ūüôā
  5. And last but certainly not least … the most exciting piece … CBT was the bomb diggity today. ¬†I’ve got a plan. ¬†And I’m working the plan. ¬†I am giving up control that I never really had in the first place. ¬†God will take care of me. ¬†I hear He has a soft spot for fools. ¬†I feel the weight of the world lifting up, up and away. ¬†And if I had magical powers, peace would be the experience happening to all of you.

As always, more to come.

The Dream Police

They live inside in my head ~ Cheap Trick

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger asked his readership 

Do you remember your dreams?

I wish I could remember who he was in order to pingback and credit but I only commented instead of Like so I cannot find his original post.  If he happens to see this then shout out as I would love to recognize you.  

My answer was “Ever since I started airing my subconscious through blogging, I quit dreaming.  If I do dream, I don’t remember”

Then yesterday Lulu got the all clear.  Her doctor said she’d see her in a year for routine annual checkup.  Of course if something feels off she shouldn’t wait and should to go back right away.  But basically she’s ok to proceed with life as she knew it. 

I remember life as she knew it.  I don’t want to go back there.  I want her to move forward.  All of a sudden I’m panicking.  She’ll be leaving us again. 

I really had no idea how much I was repressing my worry.  Sure, I let a few things slip out.  Don’t laugh.   Ok laugh.  I let everything hang out.  This is me cycling:

Blab, blab, blab – feel better!

Rinse and repeat ūüė≥

And the undercurrent of worry was always there.   After her appointment I felt sweet relief.  I also could not come up with a coherent thought to blog our good news. 

Last night, I put all my devices away. 

I even took my glasses off so I could not see to read.  

I was forced to just sit in my feelings until I went to bed. 

Billy Bob’s alarm goes off at 5 AM each workday and my alarm does not go off until 6.  Alarm is on my side of the bed.  Uh duh! I control time and space ūüöÄ.  ūüėā

This morning when I turned off the 5 AM alarm, I fell back into a very deep sleep and I had a dream.  A weird dream.  

Red altar server robes and coffins.  A woman refusing to participate saying incense and holy water were sacrilege.  Telling me I’m going to hell.  I’ve served Mass for a few funerals in my day and incense and holy water are part of the service. 

In the dream, I’m trying to explain the ritual when the sprinkling of holy water becomes a deluge.  Water is rushing and we’re being soaked as the priest now throws water on us.  I feel like I’m drowning. 

Then I hear an escalating beep! beep! beep!

My alarm blasts! As I come to, my pillow is wet!   … from my own drooling.  I haven’t slept that good since before we had kids. 

I’m hoping to rinse and repeat.  I want to sleep like that every night for the rest of my life.  Sans any weird dreams.  

As always more to come.