Remember in September – Daily Post #20 for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month


My Loud Bipolar Whispers

Live Through This:

What is Live Through This?

Live Through This is a collection of portraits and stories of suicide attempt survivors, as told by those survivors.

“Suicide” is a dirty word in this country. It’s a sin. It’s taboo. It’s selfish. It’s not an easy topic to discuss and because we, as a culture, don’t know how to approach it, it’s easily swept under a rug. The problem is that suicide is a pervasive public health issue (the 10th leading cause of death in the US). I get it: we’re afraid of death. But avoiding it and pretending it doesn’t exist is nothing more than willfully perpetuating ignorance.

The intention of Live Through This is to show that everyone is susceptible to depression and suicidal thoughts by sharing portraits and stories of real attempt survivors—people who look just like you. These feelings could affect your mom, your partner, or…

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Remember in September – Daily Post #19 for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month


My Loud Bipolar Whispers

“Imagine a community that is unafraid of mental illness. Imagine a place where conversations about mental illness are met with compassion, without whispering and without judgement. That is our vision” ~Mental Health Coalition of the Greater La Crosse Area

That is my vision as well. That is all of our visions…

Sadly, here is a story of another life lost to suicide and a family left to struggle with their grief and unanswered questions that they will never have the answer for.

Positively though, this is another family honoring their son in a way that will help many other people by educating about mental illness and suicide. Thank you very much Reckase family and thank you to the La Crosse Tribune for posting a great article to help our cause to help stop the stigma of mental illness and prevent suicides.

I love this family as they were great parents…

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Part 8 ~ What’s Next

J-Dub's Confessions

After the banning, we found a doctor who was just a hair better than Doctor X.  The inital appointment went well.  An actual assessment was done and a diagnosis was made.  Of course this is based on self report mainly.  Not 100% reliable but felt like an answer just the same.

We will call her Dr. Y.  She had major issues of her own.  Reviews on Yelp “I would not trust this doctor with my child’s mental health” and “Major ethical business issues in appointment keeping”.  Meaning she would see the patient for 5 minutes to fill the RX after having kept him/her waiting up to 3 hours past the appointment time.  When one really needed to talk, she was catching up and pushed the patients along like cattle.  Yet I am sure (at least in our case) that she billed for the 50 minute hour just the same.  That my friends is NOT ethical.  The talk part Dr. Y advised should come from someone else in any case.

In that regard folks, we hit the JACKPOT! Someone up stairs was looking out for us.

I can’t remember exactly if I was working from home or if I had taken the day off. It was lunchtime and I was on the phone with EAP insisting that I wanted a full list of referrals even surrounding cities like New Braunfels or Boerne.  We’d drive anywhere.  Like Ground Hog Day, I started by calling the first name given to me and thought no way will anyone answer.  It was lunch time after all but I was trying anyway.

It’s how we found our Angel.  Believe it or not, she answered the phone herself.  In my memories, on the first ring :).  No admin, no delay.  Her practice is faith based and that was icing on the cake.  I told her through tears everything that happened and she agreed to see Lulu the next evening. After that first session, B took Lulu to her appointments until she started driving herself there.  Always after school to avoid creating more anxiety.  And eventually Lulu was released with an open door to return anytime things got tough.  An open door she took advantage of most recently when she had surgery.

For a while, I was angry.  Now I no longer blame an entire profession for a few bad apples.  We all do the best we can under the circumstances.  To quote a former boss, “no one wakes up and says to himself, gee I think I will see if I can royally fuck up today”.  We are humans, perfectly flawed.  In hearing others stories though, we seem to have more in common than not.  Simply put, good help is hard to find.

Mental health and well-being are complicated issues without a reliable diagnostic tool. Add to the mix more opinions than you can shake a stick at.  Be it insurance or a multitude of other factors, many are out on their own.


Part 7 ~ What Did You Do?

J-Dub's Confessions

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours everyday.

B was pissed.

What did you do?  She is not suicidal.  I know MY daughter.  She would never kill herself. She just wanted someone to listen.  Maybe give her some attention (wrong! We know now, contrary to popular opinion, someone who is suicidal is not an attention seeker)

B was so sure that he convinced me.  We went back to spring Lulu from the pokey.  I mean the commitment was voluntary right?  Wrong!  I signed papers.  We had a battle I will never forget.

They refused to release her and even said they would call the cops if we did not leave. They refused to allow us to talk to her. To let us see how she was doing.  I was screaming to let her out.  Let our baby out!!!

They put us in a room and left us there.  We waited.  Three different people alternatingly came to talk to us before we finally decided to leave.  Heartbreaking as they refused to pass along that we were there.  I can only imagine her feeling lost and lonely.

Next morning, after a sleepless night, we were back.  Call the fucking cops.  She is coming home.  And they finally agreed after much maneuvering.  Against medical advice.  Another novel signed on the dotted line.  They also refused outpatient treatment and banned her from their services. This nameless place is one of the best in the city.  In the initial assessment Dr. X talked about outpatient.  That was now off the table.

First do no harm.

Ha!  She obviously needed help and to ban her was shocking.  I get that they have to be extreme.  Truly I do.  Making the threat is no laughing matter.  Thank you litigious society. They could be held liable for what she might do if they released her too soon. Very stressful, were we doing the right thing?

As I think about that fateful day, her answers were not resolute.  I’ve learned after the fact the questions used in assessing her were leading. Instead you should ask:

What do you mean when you say you’re suicidal?  I imagine her saying you said that H not me.

What brought you to this point? I imagine her saying I’m anxious about going to school today.

We took our baby home, less than 24 hours after she had been admitted. We isolated ourselves even more.  To this day, her grandparents have no idea this ever happened. Besides my boss at the time, Pony, and Wise no one knows the full extent of what went on.

Of course, you know me by now.  I am an open book.  On this topic though I spoke only in allusions and innuendo.  That’s what is driving me to come forward now.  We did nothing wrong.  Lulu did nothing wrong.  We did the best we could to help her.    Can anyone tell me why we should feel humiliated and ashamed?

Worst Cooks In America: Celebrity Edition 

What Are You Watching On TV?

This show is hilarious.  Sort of spoiler alert.   Though this was 2 weeks ago as tonight we catch up on recordings. The show conflicts with Masterchef  which we watch live.  

They had to butcher a chicken which still had his head and feet.  Carson Kressley is all wait! I still have to flirt with Sean (of bachelor fame) first.  Then during the challenge he says now this is a real fluster cluck and I lost it.  Get it?  It’s funny cuz chickens 🐔 cluck  😆

Carson  couldn’t cook worth a darn but he was excellent comic relief. 

Last week’s episode is when they made pasta. It was ok but without Carson I’m just not as interested.  Wah-wah 😒

Remember in September – Daily Post #18 for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month


Read this to attempt to understand what it’s like for the survivors. As my dear friend put it “our family was never the same again” 💔

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

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More Aftermath Of The 2014 Fall 

Aftermath of the 2014 Fall

If you’ve connected the dots, this happened a week after that fateful day.  Juggling 🤹‍♂️ is our specialty.  I’ll say one thing adversity has only served to strengthen us. 

B “I wonder who I pissed off to get this payback”

Me “no one, shit just happens”
~Wednesday September 17, 2014 Methodist Hospital ER 11:58 p.m. ~

I am a firm believer of that. No assignment of blame. Sometimes things just suck for no reason in particular. Oh and I also believe in miracles and that unicorns fart rainbows … NOT! Or do I, … maybe I do!!!

Blood has ruined my favorite comfy capris and B’s Dallas Cowboys T-Shirt is toast … because when your nose starts bleeding and won’t stop, you don’t think about anything else … you race to the ER meeting the doctor there, ignoring the looks, stares and sympathetic glances. Hours pass by and the stains have set in … to remind us that it could be worse, it could always be worse.  

Of course I can say that NOW, since the crisis was adverted.  

I am no doctor but I am positive that all that Naproxin he was taking for his back contributed to this inability to clot because the last nose surgery under worse conditions did not have this particular side effect. If I was a doctor or other healthcare professional, I might find this all in a day’s work and be quite fascinated. I am not however. Though I did keep it together until all was well again. I know if I get this out “on paper” I’ll have a writer’s catharsis. The second act is my verbal release. 


Okay, now that feels better. Except I’ll probably be all Lady Macbeth “out damn spot” for a while. Deep breath in and slowly exhale. 

Hug your loved ones, don’t be shy. Say what you mean and mean what you say ala Dr. Seuss’s Horton. For I too believe in things I cannot see or hear. Life is too short to do otherwise.