A Ramble and A Confession

I have been having quite the week. I laugh to power through but there are times that laughter does not work. Like now. I think I have gone off the deep end.

Okay, I can hear you …

Well not really because this is virtual yet real as opposed to fake rambling. I imagine you’re thinking what’s new?!?! She’s neurotic. I am and I own it.

Okay to I have these physical symptoms that have become impossible to ignore. I had a tele-med appointment on 8/17 and on 8/18 I had labs and now I sit waiting. Scared to find out what the eating habits of the home bound have done to me. Weigh-wise I am good, maintaining but I have known forever that you can be a thin unwell person.

The Sunday before my Monday appointment I was surfing the net and taking surveys. I got two calls this week to follow-up on my responses with offers to assess my health. Despite having my doctor’s appointment, I thought what the hell why not????

The first place was something called Wellness Hormone Center WHC. For the low, low price of $3,000, I get labs, B12 injections, and hormone pellets injected into my backside. The crazy part is I am actually considering this insanity. Because I hurt and I am tired of hurting. And taking pain meds would put me on the path to addiction. Of that I am certain.

The second place was called the Pinnacle. They are a research group trying to diagnose fatty liver. This place does something like a sonogram and labs. If I do not have fatty liver, they cut me loose but if I do, then they try different treatments on me. Uh ya, wait! Why? Cuz I know … that you know … that I know … that I am not going to consent to treatment by these quacks. Are they “real” as opposed to fake doctors????

B keeps asking me what kind of places these are and am I sure? I have no idea to either. My guess is they are pseudo scientists trying to help people OR they are con men and women. And I am always unsure. All of this scares the bejesus out of me but like I said I am tired of hurting.

I’m fairly certain I will not participate in the I pay 3K for hormone and B12 injections. I’m too much of a cheapskate. Re: fatty liver, does me no good to find out I have a fatty liver. Ignorance is bliss. I won’t take the treatments anyway even if I qualify. I can’t un-ring the bell as they say.

I’ll report back if I take a leap of faith right off the ever loving bridge.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections ~ 6/21/20

This post is my 2nd Sunday reflections.  Look at me, building habits.  Speaking of habits, Lulu and I finished three weeks of walking every morning.  We planned to skip Sundays but have done that only once so far.  Tomorrow she has a tele-med appointment and I asked her if she wanted to skip.  She said, “nope, lets go 30 minutes earlier”.  Well look at that would ya?  Folks you’ve no idea what a huge stride that is … pun intended.

I started taking my hand weights and pretend to get tired so she will take them from me.  Sneaky I know but desperate times call for desperate measures as they say.  This wellness routine of ours is very small but a step in the right direction.  That pun was intended too :).

At her appointment she is going to ask about weaning from her anti-depressant.  Something I have wanted for a while and something she just doesn’t know.  Originally the doctor (who was quite the quack btw) said she would be able to stop after she got settled in college.  And lookie here, she graduates on 8/8/20.  Ultimately if she continues on, we will support her.  My guilt for getting her in the cycle when she was under 18 be damned.  We’d much rather have her obese and alive than thin and dead.  Of course obese could lead to early demise.  Heavy decisions for someone so young.

Alrighty, enough second guessing.  Now is the time to recap.

Last Sunday was all about Jack or John during #SLS.   This challenge hosted by Jim Adams is the best bringing the tunes.  You should play along or at least look here and take a listen.

On Monday I wrote a Haiku and Shared My World.  Work was a gazillion times better because I decided to eff it.  I can only control what I can control.  I laughed much more this week and I let the pressure go.  Up up and away.  Like a beautiful balloon.  Hurling expletives as she rose :).  The she is me.  I am the balloon.  🙂

Tuesday was all about property taxes.  Which reminds me, I need to get my evidence together.  Wednesday was #1linerWeds. while on Thursday and Friday, I looked back …

On Thursday I also learned that a co-worker tested positive for COVID.  He got it from his roommate’s sister who works at a Walmart.  She brought it to church and he picked it up there.  He is what they call a community spread.  After time in the hospital, he is convalescing at home.  Expected to make a full recovery.  Thank goodness.  Still when I see people out and about without masks, I just wanna punch them.  Hard.  In the face.

Saturday was the capstone.  Twofer!!  First, #SoCS  in da house.  Where ya never know what you’re gonna get … until you do.  We had ZZ words this week.  Second, mobile happy hour … like an ice cream truck for adults.  Proof!!!

Peace y’all.   Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings 5/17/20

I’ve been going through some stuff.  We all have.  I’m not sleeping, or exercising, or doing any of the things that help me.  I’m feeling guilty that my stuff is small potatoes.  Which perhaps it is but saying so diminishes my feelings.  Still channeling my inner therapist (name withheld for confidentiality reasons hers not mine), there is no contest for whose pain is the worst.  I have the right to say things suck when they suck.  I have the right to do so without discounting my feelings.  That learned coping mechanism was anything but helpful (well on that she and I still disagree).  Thinking it could be worse somehow saved me.

I’m heartbroken for the classes of 2020.  Both high school and college.  They’ve been robbed.  Unfair life goes and does it again but this time the playing field is leveled.  This disappointment is a universal blast where no one is unscathed.  And my mind goes back to the less degree of severity that I and my family have felt and again the guilt is resurrected.  Rearing its’ ugly motherfucking head.

So, … I took matters into my own hands.  I got my ass up off the couch and out the door.  I turned off the step counter (or tried to, I think it is automatic) because it is not about motherfucking steps.  One step is enough.  This one action to go outside and walk it off is enough!

I had my gig for the snakes I might encounter.  I had my mask in case another Fed Ex driver graced my presence.   I had my Orange Crush cap, borrowed from my Lulu because I wanted to CRUSH it!!! while not getting sunburned.  I had my phone and WP app tuned to #SLS.  I walked as the music eased my mind.  I lost track of time.  I took things slow, lived in the moment, and stopped in the shade when I had to go back to the list of pingbacks and move to the next tune.

On a semi-related side note, I have always wondered why some people feel the need to laugh at mean things.   Now I have a pretty dark sense of humor truth be told.  And I am sarcastic as fuck but when it comes to jokes that demean I’m not down for that.  Makes me wanna punch a face.  And in this altered state, I can dream can’t I? POW right in the kisser.

Until next time which will hopefully be happier, use your rights and the responsibility that goes along with them.  Take all the necessary precautions.  Wear a damn mask.  Social distance.  Or stay at home.  Simple, respectful.  Otherwise you reek of privilege.  Sometimes doing the right thing is doing what’s hard.  

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings ~ 5/10/20

I love that little ram.  Puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  Despite my ramblings sometimes taking a dark turn, silver linings are everywhere.  I’ve come to believe life has no absolutes.  Instead we get multiple shades of gray interspersed with beautiful colors.  We get half truths, what ifs, no control.  You get the drift.

To deal with effing COVID, I took to pen and paper writing in a journal again.  Like I’m back in junior high/high school.  Before Internet was a thing.  I always kept a place for my secrets.  With the advent of Facebook for me anyway, then this blog, then Twitter and Insta, my secrets are no longer my own.    I have released those devilish hounds on many an occasion.  Times like today I think I am all better now.  But who am I kidding?  Better like perfection is overrated somehow.

I don’t like secrets.  Nothing good can come from them.  A debate maybe for another day but that’s my story and I am sticking to it. For that reason, I’m pulling two 1/2 pages from my longhand writing:

Behind the blinking cursor, I read I know it’s late but …

Those damn ellipsis – three dots of omission that do anything but …

The instant message (IM) came through after six on Friday while I tried like hell to feverishly complete at least one mandatory training video.  I’m so behind …

Can I call you about the email you just sent?

Me: Sure 🙂

Yes I did add the smiley all the while thinking FUCK!!!!! Why didn’t I log out earlier?

The conversation lasted about 15 minutes.

First came the I’m sorry and the here’s why …

Then she said “all excuses aside”

While I was clarifying the email by providing additional instruction, Lulu Belle came up and simply hugged me.  No words.  A warm gentle embrace with an intensity.  She held on tight as I caved. So done …

Yet I was uplifted as well.

Lulu couldn’t hear the person at the end of the line but instinctively she knew …

Her own wounds gave her that skill.  Which saddens me and makes me proud.

After hanging up …

Lulu:  I hope you don’t mind; I felt compelled to hug you.  You sounded like you needed it!

Me: I DID!!!!!!!!

Tears still glistening in my eyes

Lulu: So did that person mess up?

Me: Well let’s just say she needed help … Did I sound mad?

Lulu:  You sounded kind … helpful.  Nicer than me.

Then she shared her stress of the last group project for her capstone.   Things have gone a bit sideways with people not showing up.  She feels bad that she’s upset.  She said “Mom I’m lucky.  You and dad gave me everything!  Thank you for that”. 

Now we are both a puddle of happy tears over here.

I stopped writing because I felt better.

Now I get to feel better all over again.

Wishing your worlds provide a safe place to land.

As always, more to come ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Brought Over From FB ~ 12/31/14

The following in italics was written five years ago today and posted to FB.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. While Ryan Seacrest is no Dick Clark, I still love this NYE tradition!!! We are home, safe and all toasty in flannel pjs. Sweet red wine & way too many snacks. This is how the other half lives large ;). Heartfelt memories of New Years Eves pasts. Missing my brother Jimbo Pete my constant companion. Mom & Dad always went to the dance at Martinez Hall. So us kids would be at home living large just like tonight. Thankful for all our blessings. It’s still rainbows and sunshine here even when it isn’t. Be good, be kind and enjoy the simple things. Happy happy joy joy!

Five years ago 12/31/14 was shortly after B’s fall that April and the terrible awful the September but before that which can’t be repeated. Hard to believe as time works its witchy magic. Seems like forever ago and yesterday in a second at the same time. Since it really hasn’t been that long, I have hope! Hope that she’ll hit rock bottom and realize things have to change. Hope that the light bulb goes off. Might not require bottoming out might require being tired of the way things are now. Hope, that fickle bitch Hope.

In the meantime, I’m angry and projecting. Starting Twitter feuds with fat shaming strangers. I’m triggered. Acceptance is futile.

As always more to come.

Sunday Ramblings Rabbit Hole Kind of Day

I stayed in bed until after 9 am this morning.  When I mentioned this to my sonshine, I added how I had not done that in years to which he quipped “yep I remember, 5 more minutes … thanks for screwing me up mom”  Of course I laughed because in his reply, I heard my own smart ass voice talking back to me.   He was kidding not kidding.  I was queen of the five minute snooze … weekends only but that was apparently enough to warp my child.  Continuing on Pony says “well at least one of your kids didn’t take after you.  The good one!”  lol.  His sister is just like their father.

Now this made me think.  Are our children extensions of us or are they their own people?  There is no easy answer.  I imagine most “normal” people want their kids to grow up into strong independent helpful contributors to society.  Most do not expect perfection.  Life is perfectly flawed.  I wish I had learned that 31 years ago.

I am replaying a #SoCS post that I read yesterday full credit to Author: Na’ama Yehuda in that sometimes there is no unconditional love or acceptance if our children dare be who they are and they know it.  Even when we try to hide our desire for them to be who we think they should be as was my case.  Though I did not hide it well enough resulting in a pretty dark path for our girl.  Now that she has climbed out of the tunnel (that was really never even that bad), I am still struggling.  I know better and I can recognize it instantly when others helicopter their kids.  I remain a work in progress trying to achieve unconditional love.  Even at my ever advancing age because it’s never too late.  Acceptance is within my grasp.

As always, more to come.

Back Into The Hive

First I ask:

Is a fine line between love and hate the same as the fine line between

Want and Need

Or

Crave and Addiction?

I hadn’t drank coffee in months. I was doing well. Feeling the same. At least I wasn’t feeling any worse. Though there are days.  Lawd yes, there are days.

Then I returned to the mothership aka the behemoth that is home office. With that comes Starbucks in easy access.  I maintained willpower week one. Then week two all bets were off. I even brought my own cup. A tall nonfat decaf no whip cafe mocha was my way of economizing. Wallet and waist. Still not good as I partook for three days in a row. And the bagels … so … much… bread. With honey walnut cream cheese.

I’m sorry not sorry. I’m tired of feeling guilty for eating. I can’t go back to starving myself for some ideal.  All this IF is triggering to me.  IF = intermittent fasting.  Dammit I am going to eat.

And what I am writing about above happened back in July/August time frame.  I just didn’t post it right away because I had included some personal stuff regarding lil Lulu.  I axed that part for consumption on another day … or not! Any hoo, I am back at the mothership for good.  In July and August, I was just a visitor.  Lord help me.  I am in trouble.

B was told he really should consider losing some weight at his last check-up on 7/5/19. In typical B fashion, he said nothing. He stopped using creamer, cut back on dessert to Friday only, and cut out most bread. We noticed but didn’t talk about it. He’s down 22 lbs since then. Imagine if he really tried. I’d like some of that testosterone.

As always, more to come.

 

Lemons, Maui from Moana, and the Purge

I posted this yesterday.  Then promptly found my first lemon.  Which is good because I am making a mighty tasty lemonade.  I re-connected with a former teammate who I may never have seen again had it not been for my move.  She is someone who our former boss sat next to me on purpose telling us we HAD to become friends.  We didn’t HAVE to do anything.  That happened all on its’ own.  Yay for catching up.

Today I was at an offsite planning conference.  The theme was luau.  Our host is a fantastic guy.  He wore a Maui costume.  Hilarious.  Basically was like skin-tight bodysuit with fake tattoos all over, giving the appearance of being shirtless, grass skirt, and of course the black curly wig.  Convos were sort of like this …

Thanks Moana!

I’m Maui

Hey C, are those your pajamas?

No! it’s a costume

You sure?  Looks like your pjs

I’m sure, I bought it off Amazon

You can see his jiggle

Oh my god, I meant his middle

I’m still laughing

In between the obsessing of course

I had a VIP meeting tomorrow that was cancelled for like the 4th time.  The other cancels were re-scheduled but this time no new planner was forthcoming.  My mind goes crazy with making up reasons for the cancel, that probably isn’t a cancel but rather an un-invite because why?  well because … you know they must hate me.

Me to friend – should I text big boss and see if meeting is really for sure cancelled?

Yes don’t overthink, just do it

Me … never did – over thunk it of course

Me at home to B … I’m gonna text big boss about cancelled meeting, tell him I will be offsite but available if anything changes

B – you just said it was cancelled

Me – yes but I don’t want to be offsite again tomorrow if I’m needed onsite

B – didn’t you just say the meeting was cancelled?

Me – yes off of my calendar but maybe there is a new planner I didn’t get

B- then you didn’t get it, so you don’t go – sheesh

Well of course, that is logical but why be logical?

I’m dying of esophageal cancer anyway

Not today but maybe

My anxiety is not a joke or meant to make light of someone diagnosed

I am waiting for my other shoe to drop

I’m worried and not taking that damn medicine which I took for about 4 days and promptly stopped when someone shared on FB a warning that Zantac causes cancer.  This med I took is the pharmacy grade of Zantac. The package insert says may cause kidney cancer.  Seriously??? Yes Meredith Grey.

This morning I spit up bright red blood.  A minuscule amount.  I flossed; there were no bleeding gums.  Blood came from my nasal area most likely but I am sure it is acid re-flux turned esophageal cancer despite no other gerd type symptoms.  All day today my throat was sore and I hurt … achy all over.  I pounded down a boatload of Halls for temporary relief of my throat.  Nothing cures the aches.  Nothing quite like writing out my stupidity.  Damn that purge felt good.

See you later folks.

As always, more to come.

 

 

You Never Really Know

People man, I tell ya.  Secrets and lies.  Half truths.  Years of infidelity.

I am feeling guilty.  I shared some info with my kid that I thought he needed to know.  Turns out, he could have gone his whole life without knowing.  Ignorance is bliss.

I had good motives but B was right.  He is always right!  I should’ve listened to him.  Shut your mouth!

In the aftermath, Pony shared things with us last night that makes me equals parts angry and sad.  How can people be that way!  He’s no angel but damn, in this case things are leaning towards his side. Breaks my heart to think he carried his burden 10 long years without reaching out.  My offer of you can always talk to me went unaccepted.  Until yesterday.

As I wake up on this deary rainy day. I’m introspective.  Thinking about motivations.  Nurture verses Nature.  What makes good people to bad things.  I’m glad to have the day off.  Don’t think I could work if I tried.  I turn to music to take me away.

As always, more to come.