Brought Over From FB ~ 12/31/14

The following in italics was written five years ago today and posted to FB.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. While Ryan Seacrest is no Dick Clark, I still love this NYE tradition!!! We are home, safe and all toasty in flannel pjs. Sweet red wine & way too many snacks. This is how the other half lives large ;). Heartfelt memories of New Years Eves pasts. Missing my brother Jimbo Pete my constant companion. Mom & Dad always went to the dance at Martinez Hall. So us kids would be at home living large just like tonight. Thankful for all our blessings. It’s still rainbows and sunshine here even when it isn’t. Be good, be kind and enjoy the simple things. Happy happy joy joy!

Five years ago 12/31/14 was shortly after B’s fall that April and the terrible awful the September but before that which can’t be repeated. Hard to believe as time works its witchy magic. Seems like forever ago and yesterday in a second at the same time. Since it really hasn’t been that long, I have hope! Hope that she’ll hit rock bottom and realize things have to change. Hope that the light bulb goes off. Might not require bottoming out might require being tired of the way things are now. Hope, that fickle bitch Hope.

In the meantime, I’m angry and projecting. Starting Twitter feuds with fat shaming strangers. I’m triggered. Acceptance is futile.

As always more to come.

Sunday Ramblings Rabbit Hole Kind of Day

I stayed in bed until after 9 am this morning.  When I mentioned this to my sonshine, I added how I had not done that in years to which he quipped “yep I remember, 5 more minutes … thanks for screwing me up mom”  Of course I laughed because in his reply, I heard my own smart ass voice talking back to me.   He was kidding not kidding.  I was queen of the five minute snooze … weekends only but that was apparently enough to warp my child.  Continuing on Pony says “well at least one of your kids didn’t take after you.  The good one!”  lol.  His sister is just like their father.

Now this made me think.  Are our children extensions of us or are they their own people?  There is no easy answer.  I imagine most “normal” people want their kids to grow up into strong independent helpful contributors to society.  Most do not expect perfection.  Life is perfectly flawed.  I wish I had learned that 31 years ago.

I am replaying a #SoCS post that I read yesterday full credit to Author: Na’ama Yehuda in that sometimes there is no unconditional love or acceptance if our children dare be who they are and they know it.  Even when we try to hide our desire for them to be who we think they should be as was my case.  Though I did not hide it well enough resulting in a pretty dark path for our girl.  Now that she has climbed out of the tunnel (that was really never even that bad), I am still struggling.  I know better and I can recognize it instantly when others helicopter their kids.  I remain a work in progress trying to achieve unconditional love.  Even at my ever advancing age because it’s never too late.  Acceptance is within my grasp.

As always, more to come.

Back Into The Hive

First I ask:

Is a fine line between love and hate the same as the fine line between

Want and Need

Or

Crave and Addiction?

I hadn’t drank coffee in months. I was doing well. Feeling the same. At least I wasn’t feeling any worse. Though there are days.  Lawd yes, there are days.

Then I returned to the mothership aka the behemoth that is home office. With that comes Starbucks in easy access.  I maintained willpower week one. Then week two all bets were off. I even brought my own cup. A tall nonfat decaf no whip cafe mocha was my way of economizing. Wallet and waist. Still not good as I partook for three days in a row. And the bagels … so … much… bread. With honey walnut cream cheese.

I’m sorry not sorry. I’m tired of feeling guilty for eating. I can’t go back to starving myself for some ideal.  All this IF is triggering to me.  IF = intermittent fasting.  Dammit I am going to eat.

And what I am writing about above happened back in July/August time frame.  I just didn’t post it right away because I had included some personal stuff regarding lil Lulu.  I axed that part for consumption on another day … or not! Any hoo, I am back at the mothership for good.  In July and August, I was just a visitor.  Lord help me.  I am in trouble.

B was told he really should consider losing some weight at his last check-up on 7/5/19. In typical B fashion, he said nothing. He stopped using creamer, cut back on dessert to Friday only, and cut out most bread. We noticed but didn’t talk about it. He’s down 22 lbs since then. Imagine if he really tried. I’d like some of that testosterone.

As always, more to come.

 

Lemons, Maui from Moana, and the Purge

I posted this yesterday.  Then promptly found my first lemon.  Which is good because I am making a mighty tasty lemonade.  I re-connected with a former teammate who I may never have seen again had it not been for my move.  She is someone who our former boss sat next to me on purpose telling us we HAD to become friends.  We didn’t HAVE to do anything.  That happened all on its’ own.  Yay for catching up.

Today I was at an offsite planning conference.  The theme was luau.  Our host is a fantastic guy.  He wore a Maui costume.  Hilarious.  Basically was like skin-tight bodysuit with fake tattoos all over, giving the appearance of being shirtless, grass skirt, and of course the black curly wig.  Convos were sort of like this …

Thanks Moana!

I’m Maui

Hey C, are those your pajamas?

No! it’s a costume

You sure?  Looks like your pjs

I’m sure, I bought it off Amazon

You can see his jiggle

Oh my god, I meant his middle

I’m still laughing

In between the obsessing of course

I had a VIP meeting tomorrow that was cancelled for like the 4th time.  The other cancels were re-scheduled but this time no new planner was forthcoming.  My mind goes crazy with making up reasons for the cancel, that probably isn’t a cancel but rather an un-invite because why?  well because … you know they must hate me.

Me to friend – should I text big boss and see if meeting is really for sure cancelled?

Yes don’t overthink, just do it

Me … never did – over thunk it of course

Me at home to B … I’m gonna text big boss about cancelled meeting, tell him I will be offsite but available if anything changes

B – you just said it was cancelled

Me – yes but I don’t want to be offsite again tomorrow if I’m needed onsite

B – didn’t you just say the meeting was cancelled?

Me – yes off of my calendar but maybe there is a new planner I didn’t get

B- then you didn’t get it, so you don’t go – sheesh

Well of course, that is logical but why be logical?

I’m dying of esophageal cancer anyway

Not today but maybe

My anxiety is not a joke or meant to make light of someone diagnosed

I am waiting for my other shoe to drop

I’m worried and not taking that damn medicine which I took for about 4 days and promptly stopped when someone shared on FB a warning that Zantac causes cancer.  This med I took is the pharmacy grade of Zantac. The package insert says may cause kidney cancer.  Seriously??? Yes Meredith Grey.

This morning I spit up bright red blood.  A minuscule amount.  I flossed; there were no bleeding gums.  Blood came from my nasal area most likely but I am sure it is acid re-flux turned esophageal cancer despite no other gerd type symptoms.  All day today my throat was sore and I hurt … achy all over.  I pounded down a boatload of Halls for temporary relief of my throat.  Nothing cures the aches.  Nothing quite like writing out my stupidity.  Damn that purge felt good.

See you later folks.

As always, more to come.

 

 

You Never Really Know

People man, I tell ya.  Secrets and lies.  Half truths.  Years of infidelity.

I am feeling guilty.  I shared some info with my kid that I thought he needed to know.  Turns out, he could have gone his whole life without knowing.  Ignorance is bliss.

I had good motives but B was right.  He is always right!  I should’ve listened to him.  Shut your mouth!

In the aftermath, Pony shared things with us last night that makes me equals parts angry and sad.  How can people be that way!  He’s no angel but damn, in this case things are leaning towards his side. Breaks my heart to think he carried his burden 10 long years without reaching out.  My offer of you can always talk to me went unaccepted.  Until yesterday.

As I wake up on this deary rainy day. I’m introspective.  Thinking about motivations.  Nurture verses Nature.  What makes good people to bad things.  I’m glad to have the day off.  Don’t think I could work if I tried.  I turn to music to take me away.

As always, more to come.

For Better or For Worse

No this is not a post about marriage.  I am rambling and musing.  With time on my hands I am sprucing up the place.  For better or for worse that I do not know yet.  But I am loving playing around with free themes!!!

That also means I have moved some “furniture” around.  Virtual furniture is lightweight.  I can move here there and yonder and back again all without breaking a sweat.  I am the least techie tech type but I am not afraid to right click when in doubt.  Sort of like taking a multiple choice test … “When in doubt Charlie out”  Means select the c) answer.  Ha!  Fun times I tell ya.

This could be like me cutting my hair and no one notices.  Because I keep the same style (or lack there of).  Well that’s not exactly fair.  My hairdresser since October of 2006 always gave me a cut to keep me contemporary.  I have pictures to prove my evolution.  She also gave me a cut that basically styled itself.

I missed some appointments lately because of LIFE.  I also started to notice that my gray came back within days.  I could not afford the time to color my roots weekly (even if I had the money which I don’t because I am the other F word … frugal) .  Can’t fight city hall of the mane variety.  Time for acceptance.

In my usual hindsight is 20/20 fashion, I wish I had never gotten on the color train.  Or color boat.  Or color whatever vehicle of your choice.  Why?  Well because now I am having a painful transition.  That would not be the case if I had accepted myself all those years ago.  If wishes were buts and or candy then beggars would ride.  LOL.  See how I mixed up an idiom and a proverb.  Here are the real quips thank you Google you masterful search engine you.

“If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas”

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride”

My therapist who I likely need to go back to again always told me not to waste a single minute on would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.  But oh how I like to wallow there in the land of regrets.  I don’t stay long anymore but I do go back to see my long lost friends.  My coping mechanism of expect the worst and you will never be disappointed.  Sort of similar huh?  Or not.

Whew! this felt good.  Better out than in as my old buddy Shrek is fond of saying.  Wishing you a wonderful peaceful Sunday.

As always, more to come.

Rambling and Musing 7/23/19

Apparently I have no idea what clutter is …

I refrain from the heavy cleaning because once I get started I seriously cannot stop.  Thank goodness B is willing and able to do the major chores.  I stick to the light stuff.  Dishes, laundry, picking up after myself, and other things along those lines.

A while back I took on the major chore of organizing my office.  I wrote many a post about my adventures but since WP does not have the memories feature like the dreaded FB, I cannot find them.

Doesn’t matter.  Long story short, I organized my office and basically it’s still organized.  No small feat y’all and the little bit of “mess” is nothing.  Or so I am told by the family because apparently I do not live in the “real” world.  My world is the fake bubble which Jilly created.  Perhaps they are correct and my ridiculously neurotic self does not allow me to admit everything is alright.

Something has to be MAJORLY wrong.  The other shoe is ALWAYS about to drop.  Defense mechanism.  Prepare of the worst and when that never comes you can live with the steady hum that is anxiety.

You know I think they forgot.  There was a time.  I was in the throes of clinical depression.  But that was then and this is now.  And somehow I survived.

As always, more to come.

Confession is Good for the Soul

I feel a restlessness

In my soul

Ready for everything

And nothing at all

Caught in a tail spin

Of perfect deception

Time to get moving

Forgive my transgressions

Folks it has been one of those days, weeks, months, or years <insert Friends theme song so they know you’re okay>.  Some may know the signs.  Good days, bad days, good days, bad days cycling around the hamster wheel of life.  I know what to do to break the cycle but my pig headed stubbornness has got me back here.  To this place I’d rather not be.

Two people in the last two days told me “Nobody Cares” in response to something I care  irrationally but deeply about.  Okay then.  I admit it.  I certainly COULD care less.  I certainly SHOULD care less.  I certainly want to eat a whole sleeve of effing Oreos.

Then I saw where a FB friend posted about the signs of Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD).  I thought hey, I resemble that remark.  I looked further and found this article.   In the article is a questionnaire that I took.  I scored more than 12 y’all.  Boo for me 😦

However I would say that my D is not PH.  My D has reared its’ ugly head once or twice upon a time.  My current status is power through.  In attempts to be treated, I have admitted a few things to a few people and doing so has always backfired on me.

There is such stigma to needing help.  I would not wish mental illness on my worst enemy but I do wish everyone could have a preview into that dark world to help garner understanding. “Snap out of it” “Get over it” Well duh?  Of course.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I DID!!!  I KNOW!!! But knowing and doing are two different things.

I will close with this.  Don’t cry for me Argentina.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Counting those blessings (classic sign) through gritted teeth.  I have a support system (I try very hard not to use said system) but I have one.  They are worth more than gold.  If you need someone to listen, I am here.  We are not alone.

As always, more to come.

Random Musings

I’ve been repeating “not saying it doesn’t make it not true”. I’m trying to trick myself into believing I can say anything I want all in the guise that being in denial isn’t healthy. But why do we have to talk about everything? Maybe less talk and more action is the way to go?