Howdy, I think I figured out why my consecutive days in a row count got off track. Somehow my Monday haiku went into local changes & when I re-posted two days later, it erased the original date, showing a lapse. My three day streak is Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday, making today #4.
It is #4 plus 1751 or something like that. My notifications do not go back far enough to see where I was on Sunday 5/7/23 but if I knew, I could manually track this sH!t because to me it matters. No it doesn’t! Or shouldn’t matter because ya know, so many other things are more important. But as Charles tells me often, “don’t do that to yourself Jill. What matters to you MATTERS!” I think I sometimes believe this & I’m making head way in my therapy.
On other matters, my trip to the motherland is fast approaching. Ugh, why didn’t I pick July or August?!? Such a significance with 6/5, that I had to be there on that day. I’ve made some decisions that can be unmade again but I’m going in to protect my fragile heart. I’m doing this for me which brings up once again, my current favorite quote.
Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest on reciprocity,C.S. Lewis
I’m mailing records to my found family which might duplicate what I shared with just one sister all with no expectation for response. I had myself convinced that another non-response would end me but I’m tougher than that. Snail mail slows the pace & I will never know if the non-response is simply, he didn’t get the post or he got it & threw it away before opening, or he got it & read it but doesn’t care, or he cares but cannot respond for other reasons. So many possibilities that I can rationalize away any hurt feelings. It’s not personal, or at least that is what I will tell myself. But damn it is, cuts to my core. Which is why I continue on with therapy to get to acceptance.
I’ll end with my dream from last night. First backstory, since I booked the trip, I’ve had reoccurring dreams (3 so far) that I meet & their dogs growl at me & they say “well see, we knew she was bad, dogs can always tell”. In my awake life I believe that with my whole heart. Dogs are awesome creatures. Last night I dreamt we met & the dog was wagging his tail like crazy, runs up to me like Buddy & Spot do, licking my face. I woke up as I was petting this dog I will never meet. I felt light & happy & that feeling persists.
As always, more to come.