I’m Trying to Be All Tech Saavy

J-Dub's Confessions, Notes From Therapy

Today I posted an introduction to a new category. ¬†For some reason, the post that was to follow immediately after¬†the introduction is not showing up where I thought it would. And I guess, … no, I know … that I solved the mystery. ¬†I started the post on 4/19/17, right after the appointment. ¬†There the words¬†sat, getting dusty until today when I decided to create this new little home for these nuggets of therapy gold. ¬†I posted quite a few things after 4/19/17 which caused this entry to be placed ahead of some that were more recent.

Here is that Entry reposted to move up the line in chronological order.  The words are raw to me yet still I am compelled to share.  I am really going out there on a limb without saying too much.  At least I hope not too much.  Speaking in semi innuendo.  This is read-between the lines code speak.

Not that long ago someone said my words would come back to punish me. ¬†Yes punish was what she said. ¬†Something along the lines about whether I cared what people thought about me? ¬†And was I just seeking attention? ¬†I do not think she is alone in her beliefs and her caring to tell me this has made me all the more reluctant to share anything else. ¬†Consequences. ¬†I had not stopped to think about the consequences. ¬†¬†Yet here I am, consequences be damned. ¬†Well sort of, or maybe, or not really. ¬†You’ll understand IF you read the entry.

As always, more to come.

Will I be ready when the other shoe drops?

J-Dub's Confessions

Motherhood a pain you never forget. Or is that childbirth, a pain you always forget? 

Some say in order to experience pure joy you first have to experience pure sorrow.  That’s me recently with my mood swing roller coaster of emotions.   I’m running the gamut between the two.  

On a constant loop in my brain, I have a list of things I worry about.  Exclusively, my worries relate to my kid.  Billy Bob asked me yesterday:  Why do you do that? Why do you always assume the worst? Can’t you give it a chance to work out? Without the unnecessary freak out? And he’s got a point. Dammit I hate it when he’s right. Which is most of the time.

At the moment, the sun is out and things are better. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I didn’t realize how the anniversary of the painful event would affect me but it has affected me immensely.  And I realize there are still things that need to be done so we can move forward. And I’m overwhelmed with what’s out there. And I don’t have time for this pity party. 

So I stepped away to eat lunch. And I’m sitting here in tears.  They are absolutely flowing. And it’s OK because the rest of the Riverwalk crew are other places today.  No one to ask me “hey are you OK?” Because I think if asked I would fall to the floor. 

Why does love have to hurt so much? Because that’s what this is. Love for my kid. And I feel the need to defend and protect her.  I vascillate between love and anger with good measure of guilt piled on. 

She’s trying very hard.  As I see her trying, I’m rocked to my core.  Who the hell else cares about how hard she tries or how well intended she is except me or her dad?  Who else would love my child to the depths that I do?

You see I know HOPE.  She can be a fickle bitch.  And LIFE well she’s not fair.  I’m helplessly standing by waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I be ready? Or will I fold?

Thank goodness my appointment is tomorrow. I think next time I’m going to schedule two weeks out not a month.   Had it not been for the outlet of these past few writings, I might’ve ended up in hospital psychiatric ward. 

I get down on my knees and pray.  Thank you music.  The classic Who. 

As always more to come. 

Ugh!

J-Dub's Confessions

First I was working on my desktop Sunday.  Some things are just easier by mobile app so Second I was moving between the two. Clearly user error is a problem on both platforms.  I accidentally cut off a chuck of The Moral to the Story.   I had a PS to highlight two music videos and call out three other blogs.  

Ugh!   When I get home I’m going to try and recover the final.  Ugh! I likely won’t get all my edits.  Oh well.  Small potatoes. 

As always, more to come. 

Pins and Needles 

J-Dub's Confessions

Raising children is not for the faint of heart.  I feel like a complete and utter failure right now.  And this is really something small. The proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m not sure why I decided to dig in my heels on this one. But I did.  

Now she’s 175 miles away and angry.  Not picking up the phone.  The last time she was this angry, the event from the painful anniversary occurred.  

I’m spinning out of control myself.  I can’t fix this.  I’m sick with worry wanting to change.  To start over.  To go all the way back to the day she was born.  To be better this time so painful events do not happen.  

There’s a bright light.  I’m giving my child to a higher power.  In His name I pray, help and keep safe my baby girl.  

As always more to come. 

Guilty Until Proven Innocent 

J-Dub's Confessions

That’s my natural state.  What a curse!  Have you heard about the hole in the ozone? Well, that’s my fault.  I single-handedly destroyed it using Aquanet in the 1970’s.  Woe is me!  No one else to blame. Drama much?!?!?  You know it. 

As ridiculous as I sound, I feel like this daily. MyfaultMyfaultMyfaultMyfault.  Pray for her.  What a litany and not a litany of the saints. 

Today as I walked to the post office to send a package to LuLu, I decided to be not guilty.  Inside the care package was a little something with a note that reads “sometimes the best gift is giving to someone else. Pass this along”. I’m trying to make up for past failings in showing her the way.  I hope she appreciates my gesture.  

As I strolled along, I was in a state of contentment dammit because I’m turning over a new leaf. I decided I’d smile and say hello to whoever I encountered.  As I passed a guy on his bike I smiled and said “good morning” Despite his going the opposite direction, he circled back.  “You don’t happen to have $1, do you? It’s about to rain and I’d rather take the bus”  Me “I don’t carry cash” and this is true. I’m a plastic girl in a plastic world.  He replies “me too, all I have is my card”

Ah, sure and I’m the Queen of Sheba.  He had the DTs.  I knew so in an instant.  Despite how he glided past me as he rode by the first time. His eyes had the look of my brother’s.  My Jimbo Pete.  The guy was jonesing as they say.  And damn if I don’t feel guilty again. Just like that. 

As always, more to come. 

The Moral of the Story

J-Dub's Confessions, Music To My Ears, Sing Along Song Of The Day ūüé§

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who… ¬†And no this is not a REO Speedwagon sing along song of the day. No one’s been messing around.¬† Wait! ¬†Go back! Click the link and listen. ¬†See what I did there? ¬†Enjoy the song styling of Pit Bull and Mr. Iglesias. ¬†Hehe! Now move forward to this stream of consciousness composition.

I do not think I am breaking any copyright laws in my attempt to paraphrase a story told to me recently. ¬†And before I proceed, I better know I am not breaking the law. ¬†Ignorance is bliss but Ignorantia juris non excusat or ignorantia legis neminem excusat. ¬†Learn your Latin peeps. ¬†I wouldn’t get off scot-free. ¬†Anyways,¬†I Googled the crap out of the tale and came up with zilch. ¬†Breaking the law. ¬†Squirrel. ¬†JUDAS PRIEST!!!!!!! ¬†one of my faves. ¬†Especially the following lyrics:

So much for the golden future I can’t even start
I’ve had every promise broken, there’s anger in my heart
You don’t know what it’s like, you don’t have a clue
If you did you’d find yourselves doing the same thing too

Now wait just a minute J-Dub. ¬†How did¬†we get here?!? ¬†Well, just so happens the lyrics fit the mood and the moral of the story. ¬†In the round about way that I connect dots. ¬†You may not see clearly right away … until the rain has gone. ¬†That’s me, channeling my inner trulyunplugged.

In general, mental health issues are misunderstood.  Physical disease we understand but mental disease not so much.  Hell, I even spent time today watching bloggers go at it over the topic.

One said, “Mental illness is like diabetes!”

While the other said “Hell no it is not!” ¬†

One said “Well fuck yourself! You’re an idiot. ¬†Depression, anxiety, etc… are illnesses. ¬†Invisible illnesses” ¬†

While the other said “Well fuck you too! And grow a pair. ¬†Man up buttercup and try to live life stone cold sober”

Ping Pong, Ping Pong. And who the hell wants to do that?!? ¬†Sobriety is overrated. ¬†Lots of alcoholics out there might tell you otherwise. ¬†Oops, there I go again starting stuff. ¬†I would never joke about such a disease as serious as alcoholism. ¬†I’m being sarcastic and snarky in case you missed that!!!! And speaking for Snark. ¬†Check out this cool site.¬† Go ahead! ¬†Look. ¬†I’ll wait.

Ready to go again?

I definitely have¬†unwavering opinions about all this though – each person’s circumstance¬†varies! ¬†Ha! So much for definitely … so much for unwavering. ¬†One fucking size, never fucking fits ALL!!!!!!! Hence the you don’t know what it’s like, you don’t have a clue. ¬†

Most people are clueless with regards to mental health issues. ¬†Only 1 in 5 get it so only 1 in 5 understand. ¬†Well if you are lucky maybe 2 in 5 … you know that close friend who doesn’t¬†judge and loves you unconditionally. ¬†That family member who you can count on. ¬†Your therapist who gets to hear you ramble on and on about your first world problems never once saying “Jill, just get over yourself”. ¬†She doesn’t have to since I say that to myself enough for both of us.

Thank ya Jesus for letting the masses be clueless! ¬†I would not wish this sH!t on my worst enemy. ¬†Now wait another minute J-Dub’s, how did we get here? ¬†All you wanted to do was share a nice story that impacted you deeply and maybe make some people cry (happy tears). ¬†You know, write something with¬†human connection.

Here goes nothing. ¬†Moving story, make people cry ….

When I woke up last night and could not go back to sleep, this story was ALL that I could think about. ¬†Well that and other stuff that kept me up for who the hell knows how long because in true compulsive learned behavior, I refused to look at the clock. ¬†Alarm clock avoidance is an old how to deal with¬†insomnia trick. ¬†And this particular trick works for me. ¬†I probably am running on 3 hours sleep but I won’t know that … so there! ¬†Take that you bastard insomnia!

Here goes nothing take two:

A man was in a boat with a group of boy scouts.  They were having a wonderful time out on the ocean fishing.  They were in deep waters yet they could still see the shoreline.  They had a good catch and were about ready to call it a day when the clouds got dark, the wind kicked up, and the storm rolled in.  Their small vessel capsized.  Everybody was thrown into the waves.  The man had two choices, he could try to save the boys or he could swim to shore.  He knew in an instant that they would all perish and as painful as it was, he started to swim to shore.  As his feet hit the bottom and he was able to stand, he looked back expecting the worst.  To his dismay, the boys were following him; swimming after him to the shore.

I cried when I first heard the story (and I am bawling like a baby again right now) because A) the friend who told me this lesson is priceless.  She is someone who I can cry with and not be embarrassed about doing so afterwards; B) ALL of the boy scouts and the scout master survived; and C) The day before I heard my therapist reaffirm for me that I needed to take care of myself before I could help my baby girl.  She used the analogy Рjust like the preflight safety message: If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person.

And the moral to the story is … you tell me. ¬†I would love to hear some comments. ¬†Your feedback is the reason I blog. ¬†Well that and the part about me becoming famous one day … in my own mind¬†that is :).

As always, more to come.

P.S.  <lost> Hence the post Ugh!  and it was good.  I think.  I highlighted two music links and three bloggers.  Maybe I can add more later.

A Painful Anniversary 

J-Dub's Confessions

It was a Thursday evening.  Long day from hell.  Lots of anxiety.  The appointment.  These were always stressful.  We waited for an hour past the appointment time. She went back first.  They called me back after a bit. Asked me what I thought.  I answered.  Honestly.  My words cut like a knife.  

The pain.  The outrage.  

“How dare you?!”

“I hate you”.  

“I’ll never forgive you”.

“I’m never speaking to you again”

The doctor’s words.  Your mom is not hurting you.  Not saying it does not make it not so.  Silence = shame.  

Appointment ended without resolution.  Typical. The drive home was one of the worst I remember.  In the backseat, there is sobbing.  Wounded.  Sorrow. 

The next day is Good Friday.  I went to work.  I left the car so she wouldn’t be housebound. I didn’t want to come home and find her swinging from the ceiling.  I still have no idea why I worked that day. 

I walked to San Fernando at noon and watched them crucify Him. I felt the spirit.  It’d be ok.  I texted repeatedly but no answer.  It’d be ok.  I walked back to the office with peace in my soul. Ready to work on the issues at bay. Then the call came.  Everything changed. 

As always, more to come. 

If only I recognized then the beginnings of her compulsions

J-Dub's Confessions

Brought over from FB.  Posted in 2012.  She was 14. 

Call from Lulu this afternoon went something like this …
“Mom, my homework is done, my clothes are in the washer, I am unloading the dishwasher and then I’ll start supper. What do you want on your pizza?” I came home to the best french bread pizza ever … mushrooms, onions and pickled jalapenos just like I like it ūüôā LOVE our baby girl!!!

I confess, I missed the signs. Now only in hindsight do I realize what she was doing.  She’d always been a mini adult, responsible to a fault.  She rarely cried.  She was never ANY trouble.  A pure joy!  Perfect!  To me … my perfect miracle.  But somehow I failed in letting her know that her best was good enough.  That she could cry. That she could just be a kid.  That she could stop carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders.  That she could stop trying to please me. 

Regrets, I have a few.  

As always, more to come.

Birds of a Feather …

J-Dub's Confessions

flock together.   And this, well … hmmm.  This can be good or bad.  

Doh!  I came here to confess and I can’t get the words out.  Or I could but then you’d see I’m awful.  These demon thoughts are outrageous today.  I say I always cheer for the underdogs.  Not so this time. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!

Scream therapy.  Now I feel a tad bit better.  

I know I’d feel a whole lot better if I could just admit my sin of judgment.  But I’m ashamed and recognize I’m wrong.  Instead of confessing I’m working on changing.  Getting my head on straight; removing the need to confess.  How’s that for circular logic?!?!  

As always, more to come. 

Guilty

J-Dub's Confessions

I feel so guilty. ¬†And that makes me imagine all kinds of horrid stuff. ¬†I am a worst case scenario kinda girl. ¬†I do that to protect myself. ¬†Thankfully, in my 52 years on planet Earth, the worst I imagined has never happened. ¬†I brace for the inevitable (the proverbial show to drop) and it never does, not really. ¬†And even when life events come close to being the worst¬†they can be, some strange mind altering reaction occurs and I power through. ¬†I tell my therapist I have no choice but to face adversity head on but¬†she reminds¬†me “Jill, yes, yes you do have a choice!” ¬†My invisible code of ethics just won’t let me ignore that which I believe must be endured. ¬†Martyr much?!?! ¬†Yep I think so.

We are almost at the first anniversary of the worst day of my life. Not chronological anniversary that day passed on March 25th without any fanfare. ¬†Last year Good Friday. Every Good Friday to follow, will be¬†marred for me. ¬†Or not, maybe this year can be a turning point. ¬†Forget the past and moved forward. ¬†Wallowing never helped anyone. ¬†On that day occurred a secret I will take to my grave. ¬†So you ask “What the what?!?!? ¬†Some confession J-Dub. ¬†Don’t leave us hanging”. ¬†Well I have to because the story is not mine to tell.

Here is something completely unrelated that I can confess … since I feel the need to testify. What I don’t know for sure is whether this is real or imagined? ¬†Remember I do that, I make sH*t up. ¬†I assume the worst so when it is not the worst, I can cope with the lesser evil.

Anyway, I think Lulu makes up elaborate stories to explain charges on her credit card so that I do not find out what she is really doing.  I do not believe a word she tells me.  What is wrong with me that I cannot trust my kid?  No trust, zero zilch.  Even before I have evidence.

I only trust one person – my Billy Bob. ¬†Everyone else, you’re on my no trust list. What the hell happened to me to be so broken? ¬†I mean really, c’mon. ¬†My default is the world is evil, trust no one, and all my Pollyanna musings are a big freaking cover.

I’d really like to figure out how I can trust my kid again … until or unless she gives me a reason not to. ¬†I really wish I would not ALWAYS assume she is lying. ¬†And that she is lying to cover her binge eating.

When I share some of Lulu’s zany tales to explain her purchases, with my therapist, WD tells me “Jill you can’t know for sure unless you have proof.” ¬†Thing is my imagination is not proof. ¬†I know that. ¬†Then I think do I really want to live my life as Sherlock Holmes incessantly searching for clues or proof to solve the crime? Or do I want to be in denial. ¬†I think the truth of my want lies somewhere in between.

But alas, my issue is not to solved for today, so off I go … out into the “real” world to visit my other two kids. ¬†If you happen to have an opinion or two, or maybe even three on what one does to learn to trust, feel free to drop in a comment or two, or maybe even three :). ¬†I’d love to hear from you.

As always, more to come.