Friday Confessions ~ 11/20/20

Made ya look :). Nothing to see here. Move along. Haha!

Storytime: Childhood Memory.

Wait! What? I can hear you. The disbelief is obvious and audible. Captain Duh! Or is it reverse? Duh! Captain Obvious.

I have this memory as a kid of crying … faking crying at the tops of my lungs to get mom’s attention. I’d wake up with in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep. I’d start with a whimper then increase in volume. If mom didn’t appear at my door, I’d crawl out of bed and walk down the hall to stand at my parent’s bedroom door – faux wailing.

I really have no idea why … why I woke up and why I wanted my mommy but didn’t want to be seen as a baby. Sometimes I remember thinking hard as if willing her to read my mind and come to my room without me crying. The telepathy never worked. The blubbering always did. Mom would take me back to my room and rub my back until I eventually fell back asleep. That part is a pleasant memory. Back rubs are the best!! I eventually grew out of this behavior. Thankfully.

As always, more to come.

Friday Confessions ~ 10/23/20

Now that I have your attention with the word confessions, you must be expecting something juicy. I have not fully released the hounds in a while because of my new handy dandy positive mindset. That I fake on the regular because I am truly more like Eeyore or Ziggy – grab an umbrella :). #cultureshift. In this case, the shift is toward accountability.

A plethora of wildly anxiety inducing thoughts are swirling in my brain. How’s that for a sentence full of nothing but innuendo? All under the guise of being politically correct, I have stopped with the shenanigan of airing my dirty laundry aka my personal opinion. Why? Well because as B often tells me “Nobody cares Jill” . The shrinks of the world say to tell someone “nobody cares” is no bueno. BUT they don’t know me and B. I actually feel BETTER when he says ““Nobody cares Jill”. Allows me to laugh off my worry.

Plus he doesn’t mean it in a bad way either. He simply looks askew at all social media. How’s that for using an adverb properly? I am going to become a logophile. Thanks Melanie!! Your #SoCS post is sticking with me.

Continuing … B is not necessarily adverse to the Internet (he LOVES playing solitaire on a non-interactive app). How’s that for the opposite of oxymoron? But the likes of FB, Twitter, Instagram are in his humble opinion a complete waste of his time. Which leads me to the confession.

Info overload has made me a wreck and this political season may end me. The hate we are witnessing in the social sphere is too much to bear. On all sides. Left, Right, and All Directions. I feel that the veil has been lifted from my eyes. True colors are showing. I don’t like what I see in most cases. Judge much? Why yes, yes I do. We ALL do!

Anyway, that felt good. To get “things” off my chest. Now to walk it off to save myself from myself.

As always, more to come.

General Brambly Stuff 10/22/20

I need to check my motives. Yeah buddy. I’ve been playing the passive aggressive game instead of just walking away. But dang if I was going to be run off by a control freak. This town is only big enough for one head honcho and that’s moi. Ya see? Scram. Get outta here…

I told you this was brambly. Now I’ve got to go. Our virtual conference took away from the work week and I am off tomorrow. Putting in the time now. See ya on the flip side. Ten/4 good buddy.

As always more to come.

A Ramble and A Confession

I have been having quite the week. I laugh to power through but there are times that laughter does not work. Like now. I think I have gone off the deep end.

Okay, I can hear you …

Well not really because this is virtual yet real as opposed to fake rambling. I imagine you’re thinking what’s new?!?! She’s neurotic. I am and I own it.

Okay to I have these physical symptoms that have become impossible to ignore. I had a tele-med appointment on 8/17 and on 8/18 I had labs and now I sit waiting. Scared to find out what the eating habits of the home bound have done to me. Weigh-wise I am good, maintaining but I have known forever that you can be a thin unwell person.

The Sunday before my Monday appointment I was surfing the net and taking surveys. I got two calls this week to follow-up on my responses with offers to assess my health. Despite having my doctor’s appointment, I thought what the hell why not????

The first place was something called Wellness Hormone Center WHC. For the low, low price of $3,000, I get labs, B12 injections, and hormone pellets injected into my backside. The crazy part is I am actually considering this insanity. Because I hurt and I am tired of hurting. And taking pain meds would put me on the path to addiction. Of that I am certain.

The second place was called the Pinnacle. They are a research group trying to diagnose fatty liver. This place does something like a sonogram and labs. If I do not have fatty liver, they cut me loose but if I do, then they try different treatments on me. Uh ya, wait! Why? Cuz I know … that you know … that I know … that I am not going to consent to treatment by these quacks. Are they “real” as opposed to fake doctors????

B keeps asking me what kind of places these are and am I sure? I have no idea to either. My guess is they are pseudo scientists trying to help people OR they are con men and women. And I am always unsure. All of this scares the bejesus out of me but like I said I am tired of hurting.

I’m fairly certain I will not participate in the I pay 3K for hormone and B12 injections. I’m too much of a cheapskate. Re: fatty liver, does me no good to find out I have a fatty liver. Ignorance is bliss. I won’t take the treatments anyway even if I qualify. I can’t un-ring the bell as they say.

I’ll report back if I take a leap of faith right off the ever loving bridge.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections ~ 6/21/20

This post is my 2nd Sunday reflections.  Look at me, building habits.  Speaking of habits, Lulu and I finished three weeks of walking every morning.  We planned to skip Sundays but have done that only once so far.  Tomorrow she has a tele-med appointment and I asked her if she wanted to skip.  She said, “nope, lets go 30 minutes earlier”.  Well look at that would ya?  Folks you’ve no idea what a huge stride that is … pun intended.

I started taking my hand weights and pretend to get tired so she will take them from me.  Sneaky I know but desperate times call for desperate measures as they say.  This wellness routine of ours is very small but a step in the right direction.  That pun was intended too :).

At her appointment she is going to ask about weaning from her anti-depressant.  Something I have wanted for a while and something she just doesn’t know.  Originally the doctor (who was quite the quack btw) said she would be able to stop after she got settled in college.  And lookie here, she graduates on 8/8/20.  Ultimately if she continues on, we will support her.  My guilt for getting her in the cycle when she was under 18 be damned.  We’d much rather have her obese and alive than thin and dead.  Of course obese could lead to early demise.  Heavy decisions for someone so young.

Alrighty, enough second guessing.  Now is the time to recap.

Last Sunday was all about Jack or John during #SLS.   This challenge hosted by Jim Adams is the best bringing the tunes.  You should play along or at least look here and take a listen.

On Monday I wrote a Haiku and Shared My World.  Work was a gazillion times better because I decided to eff it.  I can only control what I can control.  I laughed much more this week and I let the pressure go.  Up up and away.  Like a beautiful balloon.  Hurling expletives as she rose :).  The she is me.  I am the balloon.  🙂

Tuesday was all about property taxes.  Which reminds me, I need to get my evidence together.  Wednesday was #1linerWeds. while on Thursday and Friday, I looked back …

On Thursday I also learned that a co-worker tested positive for COVID.  He got it from his roommate’s sister who works at a Walmart.  She brought it to church and he picked it up there.  He is what they call a community spread.  After time in the hospital, he is convalescing at home.  Expected to make a full recovery.  Thank goodness.  Still when I see people out and about without masks, I just wanna punch them.  Hard.  In the face.

Saturday was the capstone.  Twofer!!  First, #SoCS  in da house.  Where ya never know what you’re gonna get … until you do.  We had ZZ words this week.  Second, mobile happy hour … like an ice cream truck for adults.  Proof!!!

Peace y’all.   Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings 5/17/20

I’ve been going through some stuff.  We all have.  I’m not sleeping, or exercising, or doing any of the things that help me.  I’m feeling guilty that my stuff is small potatoes.  Which perhaps it is but saying so diminishes my feelings.  Still channeling my inner therapist (name withheld for confidentiality reasons hers not mine), there is no contest for whose pain is the worst.  I have the right to say things suck when they suck.  I have the right to do so without discounting my feelings.  That learned coping mechanism was anything but helpful (well on that she and I still disagree).  Thinking it could be worse somehow saved me.

I’m heartbroken for the classes of 2020.  Both high school and college.  They’ve been robbed.  Unfair life goes and does it again but this time the playing field is leveled.  This disappointment is a universal blast where no one is unscathed.  And my mind goes back to the less degree of severity that I and my family have felt and again the guilt is resurrected.  Rearing its’ ugly motherfucking head.

So, … I took matters into my own hands.  I got my ass up off the couch and out the door.  I turned off the step counter (or tried to, I think it is automatic) because it is not about motherfucking steps.  One step is enough.  This one action to go outside and walk it off is enough!

I had my gig for the snakes I might encounter.  I had my mask in case another Fed Ex driver graced my presence.   I had my Orange Crush cap, borrowed from my Lulu because I wanted to CRUSH it!!! while not getting sunburned.  I had my phone and WP app tuned to #SLS.  I walked as the music eased my mind.  I lost track of time.  I took things slow, lived in the moment, and stopped in the shade when I had to go back to the list of pingbacks and move to the next tune.

On a semi-related side note, I have always wondered why some people feel the need to laugh at mean things.   Now I have a pretty dark sense of humor truth be told.  And I am sarcastic as fuck but when it comes to jokes that demean I’m not down for that.  Makes me wanna punch a face.  And in this altered state, I can dream can’t I? POW right in the kisser.

Until next time which will hopefully be happier, use your rights and the responsibility that goes along with them.  Take all the necessary precautions.  Wear a damn mask.  Social distance.  Or stay at home.  Simple, respectful.  Otherwise you reek of privilege.  Sometimes doing the right thing is doing what’s hard.  

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings ~ 5/10/20

I love that little ram.  Puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  Despite my ramblings sometimes taking a dark turn, silver linings are everywhere.  I’ve come to believe life has no absolutes.  Instead we get multiple shades of gray interspersed with beautiful colors.  We get half truths, what ifs, no control.  You get the drift.

To deal with effing COVID, I took to pen and paper writing in a journal again.  Like I’m back in junior high/high school.  Before Internet was a thing.  I always kept a place for my secrets.  With the advent of Facebook for me anyway, then this blog, then Twitter and Insta, my secrets are no longer my own.    I have released those devilish hounds on many an occasion.  Times like today I think I am all better now.  But who am I kidding?  Better like perfection is overrated somehow.

I don’t like secrets.  Nothing good can come from them.  A debate maybe for another day but that’s my story and I am sticking to it. For that reason, I’m pulling two 1/2 pages from my longhand writing:

Behind the blinking cursor, I read I know it’s late but …

Those damn ellipsis – three dots of omission that do anything but …

The instant message (IM) came through after six on Friday while I tried like hell to feverishly complete at least one mandatory training video.  I’m so behind …

Can I call you about the email you just sent?

Me: Sure 🙂

Yes I did add the smiley all the while thinking FUCK!!!!! Why didn’t I log out earlier?

The conversation lasted about 15 minutes.

First came the I’m sorry and the here’s why …

Then she said “all excuses aside”

While I was clarifying the email by providing additional instruction, Lulu Belle came up and simply hugged me.  No words.  A warm gentle embrace with an intensity.  She held on tight as I caved. So done …

Yet I was uplifted as well.

Lulu couldn’t hear the person at the end of the line but instinctively she knew …

Her own wounds gave her that skill.  Which saddens me and makes me proud.

After hanging up …

Lulu:  I hope you don’t mind; I felt compelled to hug you.  You sounded like you needed it!

Me: I DID!!!!!!!!

Tears still glistening in my eyes

Lulu: So did that person mess up?

Me: Well let’s just say she needed help … Did I sound mad?

Lulu:  You sounded kind … helpful.  Nicer than me.

Then she shared her stress of the last group project for her capstone.   Things have gone a bit sideways with people not showing up.  She feels bad that she’s upset.  She said “Mom I’m lucky.  You and dad gave me everything!  Thank you for that”. 

Now we are both a puddle of happy tears over here.

I stopped writing because I felt better.

Now I get to feel better all over again.

Wishing your worlds provide a safe place to land.

As always, more to come ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Brought Over From FB ~ 12/31/14

The following in italics was written five years ago today and posted to FB.

The more things change, the more they stay the same. While Ryan Seacrest is no Dick Clark, I still love this NYE tradition!!! We are home, safe and all toasty in flannel pjs. Sweet red wine & way too many snacks. This is how the other half lives large ;). Heartfelt memories of New Years Eves pasts. Missing my brother Jimbo Pete my constant companion. Mom & Dad always went to the dance at Martinez Hall. So us kids would be at home living large just like tonight. Thankful for all our blessings. It’s still rainbows and sunshine here even when it isn’t. Be good, be kind and enjoy the simple things. Happy happy joy joy!

Five years ago 12/31/14 was shortly after B’s fall that April and the terrible awful the September but before that which can’t be repeated. Hard to believe as time works its witchy magic. Seems like forever ago and yesterday in a second at the same time. Since it really hasn’t been that long, I have hope! Hope that she’ll hit rock bottom and realize things have to change. Hope that the light bulb goes off. Might not require bottoming out might require being tired of the way things are now. Hope, that fickle bitch Hope.

In the meantime, I’m angry and projecting. Starting Twitter feuds with fat shaming strangers. I’m triggered. Acceptance is futile.

As always more to come.

Sunday Ramblings Rabbit Hole Kind of Day

I stayed in bed until after 9 am this morning.  When I mentioned this to my sonshine, I added how I had not done that in years to which he quipped “yep I remember, 5 more minutes … thanks for screwing me up mom”  Of course I laughed because in his reply, I heard my own smart ass voice talking back to me.   He was kidding not kidding.  I was queen of the five minute snooze … weekends only but that was apparently enough to warp my child.  Continuing on Pony says “well at least one of your kids didn’t take after you.  The good one!”  lol.  His sister is just like their father.

Now this made me think.  Are our children extensions of us or are they their own people?  There is no easy answer.  I imagine most “normal” people want their kids to grow up into strong independent helpful contributors to society.  Most do not expect perfection.  Life is perfectly flawed.  I wish I had learned that 31 years ago.

I am replaying a #SoCS post that I read yesterday full credit to Author: Na’ama Yehuda in that sometimes there is no unconditional love or acceptance if our children dare be who they are and they know it.  Even when we try to hide our desire for them to be who we think they should be as was my case.  Though I did not hide it well enough resulting in a pretty dark path for our girl.  Now that she has climbed out of the tunnel (that was really never even that bad), I am still struggling.  I know better and I can recognize it instantly when others helicopter their kids.  I remain a work in progress trying to achieve unconditional love.  Even at my ever advancing age because it’s never too late.  Acceptance is within my grasp.

As always, more to come.