Confession is Good for the Soul

I feel a restlessness

In my soul

Ready for everything

And nothing at all

Caught in a tail spin

Of perfect deception

Time to get moving

Forgive my transgressions

Folks it has been one of those days, weeks, months, or years <insert Friends theme song so they know you’re okay>.  Some may know the signs.  Good days, bad days, good days, bad days cycling around the hamster wheel of life.  I know what to do to break the cycle but my pig headed stubbornness has got me back here.  To this place I’d rather not be.

Two people in the last two days told me “Nobody Cares” in response to something I care  irrationally but deeply about.  Okay then.  I admit it.  I certainly COULD care less.  I certainly SHOULD care less.  I certainly want to eat a whole sleeve of effing Oreos.

Then I saw where a FB friend posted about the signs of Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD).  I thought hey, I resemble that remark.  I looked further and found this article.   In the article is a questionnaire that I took.  I scored more than 12 y’all.  Boo for me 😦

However I would say that my D is not PH.  My D has reared its’ ugly head once or twice upon a time.  My current status is power through.  In attempts to be treated, I have admitted a few things to a few people and doing so has always backfired on me.

There is such stigma to needing help.  I would not wish mental illness on my worst enemy but I do wish everyone could have a preview into that dark world to help garner understanding. “Snap out of it” “Get over it” Well duh?  Of course.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I DID!!!  I KNOW!!! But knowing and doing are two different things.

I will close with this.  Don’t cry for me Argentina.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Counting those blessings (classic sign) through gritted teeth.  I have a support system (I try very hard not to use said system) but I have one.  They are worth more than gold.  If you need someone to listen, I am here.  We are not alone.

As always, more to come.

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Releasing the Hounds

I was asked what do you think about x? I gave a candid opinion that was anything but favorable. Now x is a reality. I feel set up. Boy am I screwed.

Time to go back into my shell. I’m so embarrassed. See you again when I’m 99.

Random Musings

I’ve been repeating “not saying it doesn’t make it not true”. I’m trying to trick myself into believing I can say anything I want all in the guise that being in denial isn’t healthy. But why do we have to talk about everything? Maybe less talk and more action is the way to go?

Things I’ve Overheard

Left the family room for the kitchen to start dishes. After the briefest pause I hear.

Lulu: She’s been like that all day. About a level 10 or 10 plus. I’m worried about her.

B: Don’t worry about your mom. She’ll be okay.

Wow. I felt the frenzy but I also thought I was managing. Guess not. There is so much to do y’all. Slept good last night though. First time in a while. Vivid dreams too. Subconscious coming out of my system.

I attribute the small step to my mood change to my me day. Selfish but I need more days like that. I need to quit choosing busy over family. And I need to change how I base my worth and self esteem from what I do to who I am. At least I’m a little pitcher with big ears and overheard what I needed to overhear. I’m not happy with who I am becoming but at least there’s still time to change that.

In a side note, I’ve become engrossed in Far From the Tree. I need to check on when it was written. I see a few mental heath no-no’s like using the dreaded C word. Still finding nuggets of gold and my common place book is exploding.

Happy Sunday! I’m still searching for my driving song to participate on #SLS.

As always more to come.

Going Off The Rails

… on this crazy train.  By crazy train, I mean I am going to Food Town!

Read no further if you like me have issues with FOOD.

Fridays in Lent = no meat for me.  Of course the Pope gave us the go ahead to take a break this year.  Due to flu, etc… we need to eat.  Stay healthy.  Or so he was attributed to saying.  I have not verified but I am using what I was told as a get out of jail free card.  And I am running with the dispensation because I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Food is my Newman for all you Seinfeld fans.

After my Valentine’s day liquid diet, I was all psyched to start over again.  Reset.

For a single day, I made good choices.

I usually start out good.  Then BAM!  An entire box of chocolates! Or an entire bag of chips!   Or breakfast, brunch, lunch, post lunch lunch, dinner, post dinner nosh and late night snacks.  Followed by a day of dry toast and water.

I needed permission to go off the rails and partaking in a liquid diet was it. Then guilt makes me abstain. The cycle is relentless.

I hope it does not take too long to get back to balanced.  I tell myself you’ve done it before, you can do it again.  Tomorrow is another day.  Beating myself up and playing what-if changes nothing.

Sorry to bring you into this mess.

But writing gets the thoughts out of my head and makes dealing easier.  You see I wrote this in lieu of my post lunch, lunch.  Instead I will have a sensible dinner.

As always, more to come.

Well I Got In

Well, I got in but what did I really get myself into? See post: Forbidden Site For Those With Anxiety

This FB group was recommended to me.  I read through the posts last night and now I feel even worse.  My champagne problems do not even come close.  Abuse, addiction, and money problems top the list.

I struggle with acknowledging that our troubles have no degree.  Because I think they do y’all.  I struggle with acknowledging that I am entitled to my feelings.  Perhaps I am but I definitely do NOT feel entitled to whine about them.

Would I want to trade places with anyone in this group?  No! not a chance.  And I am overwhelmed with guilt that some could take this post as me saying I am better off or somehow better than.  For no one is immune.

I’ve heard it said if we all threw our problems into a pile to pick and choose from, that when given the choice after seeing other peoples’ issues, we’d all take back our own.

The devil you know I guess.

As always. more to come.

Forbidden Site For Those With Anxiety

I tried to follow a site suggested to me which is all about tips to deal with anxiety.

I filled out the questions of which there were only three.

I have heard nothing back which of course feeds into my anxiety.

And here is where my mind goes as to why they have not contacted me:

• my selfie profile scared them away
• they can read my mind and know I am beyond hope
• I am not worthy (Shwing – Wayne’s World, party on) lol!

More than likely, the request to follow is not manned 24/7 and it is ME not THEY who are are afflicted by the immediate response gene.

Yep, I said it … immediate response gene – IRG.  I am gonna patent that sH!t.  I am convinced this quirk is hard wired.  In my DNA.

Anyhoo. That is all.

I’ll let you know if I make the grade, the cut, or otherwise get in.

As always, more to come.

If Only …

If only

I had a second chance

I’d  go back to 2014

Before the bottom fell out

Before medication numbed 

But did nothing to cure her pain

Before the treatment

That was worse than the disease

Took hold and grew roots

The disease that is elusive and cunning

That you try to thwart 

As it blows right past

You do the best you can

With what you know at the time

Your best is good enough

Why can’t I believe that?

Because maybe that’s the lie I tell myself

To get through another day

As always, more to come

Three Guesses

*** Trigger warning for anyone with eating disorder ***

See feature image. Some of you will know immediately for what I am preparing.  Ugh! Anyone else, you get three guesses.

February 15th is my 2nd rodeo and I swore I would not forget my 1st rodeo on February 12, 2013.  But somehow I did.  The mind is a beautiful thing.  As I sit trying to conjure up the memory, things are vague.  I know there is no pain.  In fact, the sedation was phenomenal.  And I get chatty when I am loopy.  I said some pretty inane things that we all laughed about later.

On the plus side, I have completely forgotten how the prep tastes.  As luck would have it, they have improved this process greatly in the last five years.  Only 16 oz of prep/water solution in an hour followed by two 16 oz of water in two hours to be repeated one more time at two a.m.  Sacrebleu! Who wants to repeat that process at two a.m? No one and I mean no one.  But trust me folks that is best.  Early means over and done with and only one day off work instead of two.

The only issue is that the day before liquid diet is stirring up my disordered eating.  I really went all out yesterday cuz you know this is coming up and like a squirrel storing nuts for winter I kept gathering nuts or in my case eating them.  I started off with my normal breakfast then things went south.  Deep to the  Rio Grande Valley south.  I felt awful most of the day and today I vowed to get back on track.  B is here and that helps me because I am too tired to hide it so I am “normal”.  Poor guy has no idea this could start up again.

Truth be told, I find a sick comfort in the rigid liquid diet.  Scheduled to the exact ounce and completely prescribed, color coded even.  I rationalize that this is not quite like before.  The old Jill was no breakfast or lunch and my sensible dinner.  Thanks only to my mommy for making daily well-balanced suppers for us. Left on my own things got worse but I won’t go back there.

Now this happens, I am required for one day to follow this diet.  I am worried that I could get used to this.  But I won’t.  Or at least I tell myself I won’t.    And now I have the ability to get these thoughts out of my head on virtual paper.  That helps tremendously. Back then I was all frenetic action and introspective thinking. I was perpetually hungry/dizzy and I liked it. I also liked the comments on my petiteness. And when that ship sailed I especially liked to hear:

“You look nice,have you lost some weight?”

That folks is a dangerous question.  Thin is not always healthy.  Trust me I know.

As always, more to come.

 

Dr. Pepper Ramble

Not sure which day exactly … likely this past Wednesday …

The convo went something like this …

Ring, ring (standard iPhone ringtone that I will change one day)

Me: Hello

B:  Do you wanted anything from the grocery store?

Me: Nope, I’m good

B: Are you sure?

Me: Yes, gotta go

But … I was in the middle of something stressful when he called … so I thought about his question and called him back …

Here’s the convo from about 10 minutes later

Ring, ring (Seek and Destroy ringtone)

B: Hello

Me: Hey, if you have not left the store, I’d like a Dr. Pepper.  Just one 20 oz, not a 12 pack.

B: Are you sure? Remember what you told me?

Me: Yes, I memba and you fulfilled your sponsor duties.  I am sure.  But just one.

At there sits the devil.  In our fridge.  Unopened.  Right next to the milk … and if you believe Marilu Henner, milk is as evil as Dr. Pepper.  Baby babies are not cows she says …

Other contents include:

Yummy pickled okra from our buddy MJ.

The giant jar of pickled jalapenos because the cost savings is too good to beat.  Only lasts about a month.  If Lulu is home even less.  We eat them like candy.

Expired eggnog.  That carton has got to go.

Unsweet tea in case Pony and Wise drop by.

Celery in crisper that will go into chicken and dumplings unless we have birthday dinner Sunday tomorrow instead of next week.

Am I bored? or am I spending my ME day the way I want to? … all apologies – Nirvana is the music on tap at the moment.

As always, more to come.