You Never Really Know

People man, I tell ya.  Secrets and lies.  Half truths.  Years of infidelity.

I am feeling guilty.  I shared some info with my kid that I thought he needed to know.  Turns out, he could have gone his whole life without knowing.  Ignorance is bliss.

I had good motives but B was right.  He is always right!  I should’ve listened to him.  Shut your mouth!

In the aftermath, Pony shared things with us last night that makes me equals parts angry and sad.  How can people be that way!  He’s no angel but damn, in this case things are leaning towards his side. Breaks my heart to think he carried his burden 10 long years without reaching out.  My offer of you can always talk to me went unaccepted.  Until yesterday.

As I wake up on this deary rainy day. I’m introspective.  Thinking about motivations.  Nurture verses Nature.  What makes good people to bad things.  I’m glad to have the day off.  Don’t think I could work if I tried.  I turn to music to take me away.

As always, more to come.

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For Better or For Worse

No this is not a post about marriage.  I am rambling and musing.  With time on my hands I am sprucing up the place.  For better or for worse that I do not know yet.  But I am loving playing around with free themes!!!

That also means I have moved some “furniture” around.  Virtual furniture is lightweight.  I can move here there and yonder and back again all without breaking a sweat.  I am the least techie tech type but I am not afraid to right click when in doubt.  Sort of like taking a multiple choice test … “When in doubt Charlie out”  Means select the c) answer.  Ha!  Fun times I tell ya.

This could be like me cutting my hair and no one notices.  Because I keep the same style (or lack there of).  Well that’s not exactly fair.  My hairdresser since October of 2006 always gave me a cut to keep me contemporary.  I have pictures to prove my evolution.  She also gave me a cut that basically styled itself.

I missed some appointments lately because of LIFE.  I also started to notice that my gray came back within days.  I could not afford the time to color my roots weekly (even if I had the money which I don’t because I am the other F word … frugal) .  Can’t fight city hall of the mane variety.  Time for acceptance.

In my usual hindsight is 20/20 fashion, I wish I had never gotten on the color train.  Or color boat.  Or color whatever vehicle of your choice.  Why?  Well because now I am having a painful transition.  That would not be the case if I had accepted myself all those years ago.  If wishes were buts and or candy then beggars would ride.  LOL.  See how I mixed up an idiom and a proverb.  Here are the real quips thank you Google you masterful search engine you.

“If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a Merry Christmas”

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride”

My therapist who I likely need to go back to again always told me not to waste a single minute on would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.  But oh how I like to wallow there in the land of regrets.  I don’t stay long anymore but I do go back to see my long lost friends.  My coping mechanism of expect the worst and you will never be disappointed.  Sort of similar huh?  Or not.

Whew! this felt good.  Better out than in as my old buddy Shrek is fond of saying.  Wishing you a wonderful peaceful Sunday.

As always, more to come.

Rambling and Musing 7/23/19

Apparently I have no idea what clutter is …

I refrain from the heavy cleaning because once I get started I seriously cannot stop.  Thank goodness B is willing and able to do the major chores.  I stick to the light stuff.  Dishes, laundry, picking up after myself, and other things along those lines.

A while back I took on the major chore of organizing my office.  I wrote many a post about my adventures but since WP does not have the memories feature like the dreaded FB, I cannot find them.

Doesn’t matter.  Long story short, I organized my office and basically it’s still organized.  No small feat y’all and the little bit of “mess” is nothing.  Or so I am told by the family because apparently I do not live in the “real” world.  My world is the fake bubble which Jilly created.  Perhaps they are correct and my ridiculously neurotic self does not allow me to admit everything is alright.

Something has to be MAJORLY wrong.  The other shoe is ALWAYS about to drop.  Defense mechanism.  Prepare of the worst and when that never comes you can live with the steady hum that is anxiety.

You know I think they forgot.  There was a time.  I was in the throes of clinical depression.  But that was then and this is now.  And somehow I survived.

As always, more to come.

Confession is Good for the Soul

I feel a restlessness

In my soul

Ready for everything

And nothing at all

Caught in a tail spin

Of perfect deception

Time to get moving

Forgive my transgressions

Folks it has been one of those days, weeks, months, or years <insert Friends theme song so they know you’re okay>.  Some may know the signs.  Good days, bad days, good days, bad days cycling around the hamster wheel of life.  I know what to do to break the cycle but my pig headed stubbornness has got me back here.  To this place I’d rather not be.

Two people in the last two days told me “Nobody Cares” in response to something I care  irrationally but deeply about.  Okay then.  I admit it.  I certainly COULD care less.  I certainly SHOULD care less.  I certainly want to eat a whole sleeve of effing Oreos.

Then I saw where a FB friend posted about the signs of Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD).  I thought hey, I resemble that remark.  I looked further and found this article.   In the article is a questionnaire that I took.  I scored more than 12 y’all.  Boo for me 😦

However I would say that my D is not PH.  My D has reared its’ ugly head once or twice upon a time.  My current status is power through.  In attempts to be treated, I have admitted a few things to a few people and doing so has always backfired on me.

There is such stigma to needing help.  I would not wish mental illness on my worst enemy but I do wish everyone could have a preview into that dark world to help garner understanding. “Snap out of it” “Get over it” Well duh?  Of course.  Why didn’t I think of that?  I DID!!!  I KNOW!!! But knowing and doing are two different things.

I will close with this.  Don’t cry for me Argentina.  I am one of the lucky ones.  Counting those blessings (classic sign) through gritted teeth.  I have a support system (I try very hard not to use said system) but I have one.  They are worth more than gold.  If you need someone to listen, I am here.  We are not alone.

As always, more to come.

Random Musings

I’ve been repeating “not saying it doesn’t make it not true”. I’m trying to trick myself into believing I can say anything I want all in the guise that being in denial isn’t healthy. But why do we have to talk about everything? Maybe less talk and more action is the way to go?

Things I’ve Overheard

Left the family room for the kitchen to start dishes. After the briefest pause I hear.

Lulu: She’s been like that all day. About a level 10 or 10 plus. I’m worried about her.

B: Don’t worry about your mom. She’ll be okay.

Wow. I felt the frenzy but I also thought I was managing. Guess not. There is so much to do y’all. Slept good last night though. First time in a while. Vivid dreams too. Subconscious coming out of my system.

I attribute the small step to my mood change to my me day. Selfish but I need more days like that. I need to quit choosing busy over family. And I need to change how I base my worth and self esteem from what I do to who I am. At least I’m a little pitcher with big ears and overheard what I needed to overhear. I’m not happy with who I am becoming but at least there’s still time to change that.

In a side note, I’ve become engrossed in Far From the Tree. I need to check on when it was written. I see a few mental heath no-no’s like using the dreaded C word. Still finding nuggets of gold and my common place book is exploding.

Happy Sunday! I’m still searching for my driving song to participate on #SLS.

As always more to come.

Going Off The Rails

… on this crazy train.  By crazy train, I mean I am going to Food Town!

Read no further if you like me have issues with FOOD.

Fridays in Lent = no meat for me.  Of course the Pope gave us the go ahead to take a break this year.  Due to flu, etc… we need to eat.  Stay healthy.  Or so he was attributed to saying.  I have not verified but I am using what I was told as a get out of jail free card.  And I am running with the dispensation because I have an unhealthy relationship with food.

Food is my Newman for all you Seinfeld fans.

After my Valentine’s day liquid diet, I was all psyched to start over again.  Reset.

For a single day, I made good choices.

I usually start out good.  Then BAM!  An entire box of chocolates! Or an entire bag of chips!   Or breakfast, brunch, lunch, post lunch lunch, dinner, post dinner nosh and late night snacks.  Followed by a day of dry toast and water.

I needed permission to go off the rails and partaking in a liquid diet was it. Then guilt makes me abstain. The cycle is relentless.

I hope it does not take too long to get back to balanced.  I tell myself you’ve done it before, you can do it again.  Tomorrow is another day.  Beating myself up and playing what-if changes nothing.

Sorry to bring you into this mess.

But writing gets the thoughts out of my head and makes dealing easier.  You see I wrote this in lieu of my post lunch, lunch.  Instead I will have a sensible dinner.

As always, more to come.

Well I Got In

Well, I got in but what did I really get myself into? See post: Forbidden Site For Those With Anxiety

This FB group was recommended to me.  I read through the posts last night and now I feel even worse.  My champagne problems do not even come close.  Abuse, addiction, and money problems top the list.

I struggle with acknowledging that our troubles have no degree.  Because I think they do y’all.  I struggle with acknowledging that I am entitled to my feelings.  Perhaps I am but I definitely do NOT feel entitled to whine about them.

Would I want to trade places with anyone in this group?  No! not a chance.  And I am overwhelmed with guilt that some could take this post as me saying I am better off or somehow better than.  For no one is immune.

I’ve heard it said if we all threw our problems into a pile to pick and choose from, that when given the choice after seeing other peoples’ issues, we’d all take back our own.

The devil you know I guess.

As always. more to come.

Forbidden Site For Those With Anxiety

I tried to follow a site suggested to me which is all about tips to deal with anxiety.

I filled out the questions of which there were only three.

I have heard nothing back which of course feeds into my anxiety.

And here is where my mind goes as to why they have not contacted me:

  • my selfie profile scared them away
  • they can read my mind and know I am beyond hope
  • I am not worthy (Shwing – Wayne’s World, party on) lol!

More than likely, the request to follow is not manned 24/7 and it is ME not THEY who are are afflicted by the immediate response gene.

Yep, I said it … immediate response gene – IRG.  I am gonna patent that sH!t.  I am convinced this quirk is hard wired.  In my DNA.

Anyhoo. That is all.

I’ll let you know if I make the grade, the cut, or otherwise get in.

As always, more to come.