So, … Superstition

Every time we drive over a railroad track, we lift our feet. I’ve even taught the kids to do this and they accommodate me with no questions asked. Why do we do this?

I have no idea. I know every single solitary time we do though. Much anxiety comes from forgetting. I tell myself to look up the mores later so we can understand the old wives tale. Then I promptly forget.

As luck would have it, I’m reading my April free book of the month “Cold Waters” by Debbie Herbert. A girl is picked up from the bus station and as she is driven through her hometown, they drive over the tracks and up go the feet. The hands touch the roof as well. The girl who’s name is still unknown says she knew the driver would too. Why? The book says:

You couldn’t be too careful. I mean, nobody wanted to die young when you could have prevented it by merely lifting your feet.

Who knew? Now we all do.

Do you have any superstitions? If so, what’s the origin?

As always more to come.


So, … Getting My Count

I am on a streak and my E post did not count for some reason.  So, … the sole purpose of this is to get my count 🙂

buh bye


So, … Funny Math of the Healthcare Variety

Ugh!  I am a broken record.  I know.  But I am pissed and sad.  Truly a crisis.  And I am immune … sort of … and I feel guilty.  I am a HAVE not a have not.

Here is what went down.  Thoughts free-flowing as they come to me.

B has no steady job.  He was “off”  today.  I left for work like usual and barely into my day, he calls me.  He is easily bored or so I assumed that was why he was calling.  Tells me hey we got work again starting next Monday.  Me “oh honey, that’s good” all  while thinking I guess self employment is ebb and flow/feast or famine.  I need to chill.  I vaguely remember those three years.

B –  don’t know what I will do until then but I want you to know so you can stop worrying. Plus V is going to resubmit those two invoices and we’ll get paid. (oh yeah, that too … having to hunt down people to get paid.  I blocked that out completely).

Me – Good.  You should have your colonoscopy.  I am taking off Friday already.  You need to do this now.  You can no longer afford not to take what you get work-wise when you get it.  Your off.  I’m off.  I’ll see if they can get you in.

B – yep I know.  Okay.

And as luck would have it, Thursday is open.  Now I am taking off Thursday and Friday.  But not without going through a whirlwind first.

While filling out paperwork in online portals, I notice the patient responsibility is $2300.  WTF.  Mine from February 2018 was free.  Did the price really shoot up that much?!??  I called our carrier and sure enough no age or time limit.  A perk from my employer in negotiating costs of colonoscopies.  She compared billing codes and said B’s too is covered in full.  Insurance offered 3-way call with provider.  Fun times I tell ya.  Provider says this is medical not preventative.  Medical with a $2700 deductible, the $2300 is our responsibility.

Okay.  What the what?!?!?  this is medical … yes a medical procedure but not required due to a medical reason.  If B had it his way, he’d never go back.  He got the appointment reminder last week … for a routine exam … because it was time.  He was not seeing the doctor for symptoms that needed to be diagnosed.  All that is semantics folks.  Fucking circular illogical.  To-MAY-to. Tu-mah-to.

Anyhow, we are all squared away.  They will bill the insurance first.  On a recorded call, the insurance confirmed they will pay.  Though we are getting annoying texts that we owe provider.  Uh no, talk to Cassie.  She agreed to BILL THE INSURANCE FIRST!!

So why am I sad?  well fuck.  if I (or anyone else) needed this exam because I was sick, I’d pay out the ass – pun intended.  And while maybe preventative should be less expensive than treatment, a diagnostic test is a fucking diagnostic test.  The rate should be the SAME!!  Then if treatment is needed bill for that.  Fucking vultures preying on the weak and infirmed.

As always, more to come.


So, … Starting My Friday

I’m here at the mothership in darkness. Sitting in my parked car before going in to be health assessed. Listening to the birds chirping. Peaceful. In a moment the birds will be drowned out by a hum. The human hum of people populating this space.

Happy Friday folks. Hope it’s a good one.

As always more to come.

So, … My Last Bite

No leftovers today. Boo. Wasting moola we might not make more of in the future. Geez I’ve got to get over this worry. B is actually out today bidding on work. He’s doing what needs to be done. Why should he worry?? That’s my department.

Back to the beginning … I’m eating lunch. A turkey club with guacamole and alfalfa sprouts. No chips or soda because tomorrow is my Health Risk Assessment at work. If I do good, I’ll get 500 points. I get 100 just for showing up. Saweet.

I’m also about to embark on a wellness journey and I’ve been reading about IF. Not if but IF. A movement called intermittent fasting. I’m sure it’s the opposite of health but wtf. One guy joked that we all practice IF … it’s called sleeping 😴. Lol. True enough.

My hours to eat will be 10 to 6. Then boom the window closes. I’m going to find a sustainable meal plan too. No more sammiches of the three slices of bread variety. But I’m not going cuckoo. I’ll still eat the occasional sammich.

I may or may not post about my wellness “journey”. Dang I hate that word. Corporate speak. I’m a gypsy in a white collar world. Everything isn’t a journey. This is a quest!! Lol.

To follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. To fight for the right without question or pause. To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.

Dang. Sing it sister. My Glee Club days are showing.

Have a good one y’all.

As always more to come.

So, … I Blame The Full Moon

I had another sleepless night.  Well maybe that description is not accurate.  I went to bed at a decent hour and fell fast asleep.  I just didn’t stay that way.  I have a tactic that really works which is not to look at the clock when I do wake up.  I also use deep breathing and anxiety techniques.  I almost always fall back asleep as evidenced by weird dreams and waking with a start when the alarm finally goes off.

In my dream this morning, I ran into friends of my parents having lunch.  I stopped to talk and they told me my brother had been moved into their nursing home and I should come back with them to visit him. The scene was all very “Cool Kids” FOX TV show that airs on Fridays.  What I saw in my dream like state was horrific though.  Not comical in the least.  I stepped through a blood spattered tiled hallway.  I was anxious thinking I would be infected but some incurable disease.  I made it down the hallway and was peeking through a window to a rec room.  I saw him sitting around a table with others.  Then I decided I did not want him to see me.  At that moment,  beep, beep, beep goes the alarm.

I realized I did not write out the demons about what happened to my brother.   I felt it was not my story to tell but obviously, his situation affected me.  My subconscious carries the weight.  One day soon, the weight might have to go.  I feel a releasing the hounds in my near future.

As always, more to come.

So, … My Head Hurts

We switched to the HRA and now our prescription drug coverage has a deductible.  Though in the marketing to compare and contrast the PCA and HRA, the literature said the RX coverage was the SAME!  Bullshit!

I also have a very teeny tiny HSA to buy my big red boat one day.

The inequity is just wrong.  We are still fortunate but now we are middle tier price-wise for medicine.  If only I didn’t know others got the same drugs for less. Of course to get back into best tier status, We’d have to go to a PCA and pay much more in premiums.  This is a racket I tell ya.  And sad that folks have to go without due to this crooked system.

I wish I knew what to do to help.

As always, more to come.

So, … It’s Not Me Or Is It?

My mouse is out of sorts and acting wacky.  Technical difficulties abound.  Then I see what others have done and think well I am following the same path.  Ergo, it’s not me.  But alas it must be. I must get over this FB ban for my own sanity.

Yeah, that’s right!  Snap out of it Jilly!!  You are NOT the sun.  The world revolves all on its’ own accord.  You are but a speck of dust in the cosmos.  Meaningless.

Well boo hoo.  Ms. Queen comma drama.  Again I say snap out of it!  “This is the day that the lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  That’s some Catholic school girl roots coming back to haunt me.  Yes I said haunt me.  Bittersweet.

I imagine my parents rolling over in their respective graves at how things have turned out.  Gruesome.  Not even close to a world without sin.  Amen.  More mental imagery and nostalgia.

Ugh, this too shall pass.  Always does before coming back again.  The trick is how do I break the cycle?

As always, more to come.

So, … Tis True

Everything has a breaking point.  Things you think you absolutely cannot bear and things you are SURE you will NEVER get over do eventually fade.  Often sooner than you think, we adapt and move on.  Or we are old and forget.  Toe-MA-toe, Tu-mah-toe.

I was cleaning up drafts today and deleted a whole big bunch of angst.  Whew!!! I feel the bad ju-ju lifting up and up and away in that beautiful balloon (kids’ song ear worm that I will not subject you fine folks to on this hazy gray day).

Lulu gave me her theory … that people choose not to share the bad stuff because doing so hurts too much.  She says to her that’s okay because … well because those things are private after all.  BUT silence has a BIG but … not sharing doesn’t mean they are not experiencing some genuine crap.  Everybody has something going on because nothing is perfect.  Sometimes those with the outward appearance of “having it all together” are the most in turmoil.  They have just become adept at covering the flaws.

How sad!  I want everyone to wallow with me in my misery.  Pity me!!

No I don’t want that.  I wish peace and happiness to the world.  Yet I am grateful for the sulky, suck-ass, kick in the gut stuff too since that is how I know the world is full of real true honest to goodness beauty.  Let’s just say that I am not buying the social media version of people’s perfect worlds anymore.  You don’t fool me.

Oh and FB can suck it because you have blocked me from sharing my own posts as they do not meet community standard.  What standard is that?  Huh?  Bite me!!!

As always, more to come.

So, … I’m MSU I Hope

The pain is back and almost unbearable. Not sure how to explain this because it’s really discomfort. And who among us can’t bear a little discomfort? But what I feel isn’t normal. And it’s constant. I’m lashing out like a wounded animal to those close to me. I’m powering through to everyone else. Distracting myself with any and everything. Like writing this post.

Back in the day I’d write out my worries and by doing so those worries would float up up and away. I’m not that naive any more. I need to get myself back to the doctor.

As always more to come.