Mental Health Awareness is Everyday – Last Post a Day in May – May 31, 2017 – “There is Hope” Music Video

Life

Fitting end of the month. I give Hope a hard time and occasionally call her names. In this case Hope is encouraging 🤗

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

Hope for Mental Health

“There is Hope”

Yeah

Hope

Four walls, lock doors. I’m trapped in. Underwater, can’t breathe, suffocating.
Can’t think. Ya my thoughts be wondering. Nowhere to go. Guess I’ll stay in hiding.

Feeling so alone. The world is kind scary so I’ll climb back in my zone.
Feeling so lost trying to find my way home.

Always been an outsider, cast-away, the unknown.

I don’t know what to do. Should tell my friends? But then again my friendships may end.
So I’ll keep it to myself. Won’t let you in. Lord, tell me how much longer before it ends.

It’s like I’m living life through a dark tunnel. I can see light but I can only see it.
Even though some days I feel like I reached it only to be knocked back down the tunnel. Feeling defeated.

I start back up just to stop again. Failure…

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Time Moves Slowly But Passes Quickly

Life

 

Time Moves Slowly But Passes Quickly:  This entry is about the weird way time works.  The older I get the faster time passes, until time stops! Then thankfully time starts passing quickly all over again.

May 11th 8 AM: I arrive in TAMUCC to pick up Lulu.  9 AM we are on the road home.  3:20 PM she meets her doctor for the first time.

May 12th 7:30 AM: blood work and other assorted tests to rule out cancer.

May 13th to 14th all hours: The weekend of quiet worry. Time moves to a halt.

May 15th morning: Distract ourselves. Around 3:30: Sonogram/ultrasound.  We are in Agony.

May 16th to 17th all hours: Try to believe everything is normal.  It’s nothing until it’s something! Nothing quick about time.  Moving like molasses.

May 18th: 11:30 AM. Arrive back at the doctor’s office and taken back immediately, given 3 options.  Lulu chooses the safest one.  Time picks up a beat.

May 19th to May 22nd: More waiting, more it’s nothing until it’s something.

May 22nd: Surgery scheduled for  June 2nd.  And now she waits. Time moves to a crawl.

May 24th: Slight change of plans  as the surgery is moved to May 26th.  Time becomes allegretto.  

May 25th: No Sleep Till Brooklyn … as the crescendo of time feels like a heartbeat in your ears!

May 26th 4:30 AM: In the quiet and still darkness, time is simply surreal.  As if hanging in mid air.

Throughout the day of May 26th until the present: My feelings poured from my soul in You Don’t Need An Ovary and No Judgment and She’s Alive.  Time defies definition.

A million lifetimes in 18 short days or 60 hours that felt like a matter of minutes.  I can only imagine what it feels like for the patient.  Tick, tock, tick tock.  Our sweet baby girl.  She continues to amaze me <3.

As always, more to come.

 

 

 

Funny Math

Because We All Need A Little Levity

Funny Math: We were picking up prescriptions for Lulu and decided to grab some chocolate.  We see a display with new M&M flavors.  Carmel, dark Chocolate and peanut, peanut butter.  All in shareable bags.  Two bags for $6.00 or $4.19 each.  Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Let’s just get one bag.  She’s queasy anyway and I or rather YOU surely do not need any candy.

Billy Bob: Two bags are cheaper.

Me: No, one bag is $4.19, two bags are $6.00.

Billy Bob: I know, $3.00 each or $4.19.  That’s $1.19 more.

Me: Per bag silly.  Actually, one bag is $1.81 less than the $6.00 we’d pay for two bags.

Billy Bob: I give up.

Me: I didn’t say anything.  You see, I know when to keep quiet.  Lol :).

As luck would have it, the single bag was only $3.19 because I am a CVS frequent flyer and we got $1 off our purchase.

As always, more to come.

I’ve Always Depended On The Kindness Of Strangers And/Or Family And Friends

Life

In my brain, I have tons of racing thoughts bouncing around like popcorn in hot oil.  And, I talk to myself.  Quite often.  I don’t answer myself though which means I am still OK.  Sometimes I use these racing thoughts as precursor to my stories.  Sometimes I lose these thoughts and who knows? might have been that next big break somewhere in there.  Going forward, I have decided to write down reminders to keep this from happening.

Early Saturday morning I wrote down:  I’ve Always Depended on the Kindness of Strangers.  Thank everyone who assisted with Lulu and try not the leave anyone out.

Blanche in A Streetcar Named Desire is not what this is about. That was a tragic story.  Our story is not.  Quite the opposite in fact.  Our story is more like feel the love.  Out of context depended on the kindness of strangers might fit but in context, I had to add And/Or Family And Friends.  Once again, only Truly Unplugged might get me.

This simple statement captures my feelings of how people are kind and caring.  How we depend on each other … family and friends of course but sometimes it’s people you do not even know or have just met. 

A huge shout out & heart-felt THANK YOU! to our family and friends and every prayer warrior.  Especially those who shared their own personal experiences of similar situations which provided us with hope.  

To all the medical professionals who took care of our Lulu.  Roll call, in no particular order:

  • The nurse arriving for her shift who let us into admitting early since the doors are locked until 5 AM (but we have to be in there at 5 AM! as I pace like a caged tiger) and yes if you know me at all we got there 30 minutes early.  Our open the door savior was also the nurse who drew Lulu’s blood in pre-op testing.
  • The girl in admitting (girl because she is much younger than me, barely older than Lulu) who despite being short one person until 6AM figured out Lulu was in-patient not out-patient and started the ball rolling on getting that fixed.
  • G – the nurse that called us the night before surgery to get some info that would make the next day smooth as silk (and it did!)
  • The anesthesiologist and surgical nurse wearing a patriotic scrub cap.  She said “we have to wear the same lovely blue outfit.  Socks and caps are about all we can personalize” 🙂
  • The doctor, who we only just met for the first time on May 11th.  Who patiently explained the procedure and was open to any and all questions.  And her entire staff.
  • All who shared the waiting rooms with us.  Who had loved ones in similar situations.
  • The two recovery room nurses who called us hourly to advise of the delay in getting a room AND who allowed us to sneak in to see Lulu until they got busy and had to boot us out again.  “Some people do not wake up friendly” they said.  No visitor rule in Recovery is due to patient privacy.
  • Everyone on 5th floor – PCAs, RNs, and housekeeping on revolving shifts.
  • Even the cafeteria staff who if you read the Yelp reviews and believe them, they are perpetually pissed off!  Well of course they are, you might be too if you worked under those conditions for that pay.  However if you treat people as you’d like to be treated sometimes the experience improves.  We had no such difficulties.

Stealing the following from a FB friend.  It’s perspective – lump in your oatmeal or lump in your breast? Sort of says it all doesn’t it?

As always, more to come.

 

Part Six of My Mini Novella

Storytime

Link to Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3 and Part 4 and Part 5

That light is brightly shining

Anyhow part numero cuarto. Despite all that has happened, we are faithful. Just when you think you can’t take anymore, you don’t have to, something changes. It’s inevitable. We learned that the good outweighs the bad and even in the bad there is always-always-always a silver lining. ALWAYS! We are living an extraordinary life … not by universal standards mind you but by our own sometimes delirious minds. We are truly blessed beyond measure!

Can you dig it?

As always, more to come.

Part Five of My Mini Novella

Storytime

Link to Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3 and Part 4

Ah ha! We meet again.

Anyhow part numero tres. TEN YEARS … almost. July 2, 2016 marks the 10th anniversary of D’s death. Time flies when you’re having fun and even when you aren’t. Feels like yesterday. Hard to believe.

In the time since he’s been gone, here are some of our most memorable moments: the October 30, 2006 random act of violence aka car chase gone bad aka God won’t give you more than you can handle, work injury, more cancer and more dying, the fall, unintended consequences of the fall, other unmentionables and most recently death again. <insert into this 2017 edition Lulu’s cyst>

As always, more to come

RIP Sister-Auntie BAW. May the perpetual light shine upon her

Part Four of My Mini Novella

Storytime

Link to Part 1 and Part 2 and Part 3

WAKE UP It’s Tomorrow

Anyhow part numero dos. When Pony Boy answered his phone it was surreal. I could swear I was talking to Billy’s brother. Exact … same … voice. The briefest thought, who is this man??? I must have dialed the wrong number … this is certainly not my baby. It took me a second to realize my mind was playing tricks on me. Pony may look a lot like me and act a lot like me but his mannerisms, sense of humor, interests and ideology are classic Uncle D. And that sassy, sarcastic wit makes me proud since underneath it all is such wonderful goodness. I’ll never forget the first time I heard my own smart a$$ remarks made back to me. Of course I laughed while Billy says “way to go Jill, now you’re just encouraging him” But you gotta laugh … am I right?!?!

As always, more to come.

Keep on smiling; until we meet again

Part Three of My Mini Novella

Storytime

Link to Part 1 and Link to Part 2

…And here is the extra part …

So I called Pony Boy since I knew Billy was driving. I NEVER call Billy when I know he’s on the road … I wait until he is swinging scaffold 22 stories up at the Broadway … cracker box condominiums to super star athletes and those who know how the other ½ lives … selling for the low low price of 1 million per. But I digress … so back to task … the reason that I call him while he is swinging in the breeze is just to say “hey” … Not really … I never say hey 😉 He will always answer my calls in spite of all my It Can Wait! Warning … which I give endlessly because I am the consummate insurance professional.

<End of public service announcement>

As always, more to come.

Until tomorrow

Part Two of My Mini Novella

Storytime

Link to part one

… And here’s the more that was to come …

Anyhow, we were still stranded and not sure what to do. We had called Roadside assist but I wanted Billy to talk me through whatever they might throw my way. All of this happened before the Tiger Sanitation Good Samaritans stopped to help us. Eastside and proud baby because we were parked at the Valero in Lakeside!! Oh the memories of late nights in Lakeside Park but those are stories for another day. Say what you will about living in da hood just know that there are good peeps all around!

That is all for now ~ As always, more to come …though I may have mis-counted; my novella just grew by one part.