Lulu Is The Next Contestant On The Price Is Right Organ Version


Okay, here goes nothing ¬†The title gets you hooked. ¬†Am I right? ¬†You gotta see what ole J-Dub is up to this time. ¬†Am I right??? ¬†Well Miss Lulu, come on down. ¬†You’re the next contestant on the Price Is Right!!

Things were not finalized¬†when we left the doctor’s office last Thursday. ¬†We were to wait for a call with the final details. ¬†There was a possibility her surgery would be Friday 5/26 but only if another woman’s insurance refused to pay. ¬†They might not know this until the day before though. ¬†If not 5/26, then for sure she is on for Friday 6/2. ¬†We know there is pre-op testing too and insurance dealings. ¬†The usual crap. ¬†We got stuff to do people!!!!

All weekend we¬†rather I worried about not knowing specific details. ¬†I am anal retentive, borderline obsessive-compulsive, and controlling. ¬†Yea I said it. ¬†At least I own my sH!t. Admitting there is a problem is the first step to recovery. ¬†My mind is a whirlwind and I’ve¬†no idea how I will make it until 5/25. ¬†We pray they know something sooner.

This morning I go to my own doctors appointment. ¬†Then shortly after I get to work, I get the call from her doctor’s office. ¬†Sweet “Jean Nat√©” tells me the surgery will be Friday 6/2 at ¬†9 AM, be there by 7AM. ¬†No food or drink after midnight and this includes even a sip of water. NOTHING! ¬†On 5/31, Lulu is to report to the hospital at 10 AM for pre-op/pre-admittance testing. ¬†On this day, she can eat like normal, no fasting. Whew! ¬†A relief to have specifics.

All is good. ¬†And, then later in the day …

5 minutes (plus or minus a minute or 2) before I have to dial into a mandatory meeting, I get a phone call from her doctor’s office. ¬†Again? ¬†I worry just a bit and consider not¬†answering. ¬†Did something change?¬†Why would they be calling back? Of course I have to answer! ¬†I just said I am compulsive!!

This time it is Anais Anais.  She wanted to explain the billing to me.  She proceeds to explain if X happens, then patient pays, if Y happens then patient pays.  She tells me I have to pay at least 2 days before and since we will be at the hospital on 5/31 anyway, I should just drop on by the office.

Screech.  Back up the bus and stop the ever-loving presses.  I proceed to speak to her as calmly as possible.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: Hold on, Lulu is not a candidate for anything you have stated.  Her cyst is too big for robotic.  Doctor gave 3 options and there is no sucking or bikini cut

Anais: Those are medical questions, for that you need to speak to Jean Naté

Me: Ok, well whatever it is, we will pay it but I want to make sure what is happening is what is supposed to happen.  Lulu is having an old school vertical incision and excision of the cyst.

Anais: Oh that, yes.  She will be cut open vertically and the cyst removed.  I am giving you the prices with and without ovary/tube removal.  The robot is the tool that cuts her open.

Me: WTF! She is giving me medical info but cannot answer medical questions (thought bubbles only) Instead, in my sweetest southern drawl, I say, “Ok, sugar bear honey pie¬†Anais, give me the prices”.

And you know I did not call her sugar bear or honey pie.  And you know my head was exploding!!!!!! Bam, Boom, WTF!!!

Anais (reading from her script): She has used $448 of a $1500 deductible.  After that is met, the insurance covers 90/10.  Patient responsibility after insurance, $538.18 (robotic some such other) keeps her right ovary OR after insurance $765.29 (robotic some such other) loses her right ovary.  This does not include anesthesia or hospital stay.  They will bill you separately for those.

Me: Thank you and we will see you on 5/31

Well now that just sucks, really sucks hard.  First, Lulu does not qualify for robotic anything and now I am worrying again.  Second, to lose an ovary only costs $765.29.

I have questions. ¬†I want answers. ¬†I wait to tell Billy Bob until I am¬†home. ¬†Of course he calmed me down and said we will ask our questions before anything goes down. ¬†He said “Anais doesn’t know any better and she is probably used to being cussed out. ¬† And I bet lots of people don’t pay. ¬†Medical billing, can you even imagine?” ¬†Funny, I said the same thing to my coworker. ¬†But still! ¬†That is not me. ¬†I was not going to argue or ask her for a discount. ¬†Most important is that Lulu gets the BEST care possible so she doesn’t lose her left ovary when it is her right one that is affected by the cyst.

You hear the horror stories all the time.  This is scary and as it is, we are taking a leap of faith.  I big GIANT leap.  Mainly Lulu.  Completely Lulu.  How alone in a crowd she must feel.  As we watch from the outside unable to do anything but offer our love and support.

Right now I overhear her Facetiming with her bestie. ¬†“Yes!! you¬†can come visit me”¬†as she prattles off her hospital guest list. ¬†“Please come see me because you know I don’t even want to be there” ¬†Now I have proof she is¬†feeling something. ¬†Up until now, she was not saying much of anything. ¬†And she has not cried yet but I know the tears will¬†fall eventually.

As always, more to come.

Put Your Own Oxygen Mask On First


Today I got in to see the nurse practitioner for a follow up now before Lulu has her surgery.  I’ve been putting things off as usual.  I know I need to get back into physical therapy (PT).  It works.  I’ve proof it works for me yet I get lazy.  I recently tried a place on campus but it sucked.  I stopped before I even really re-started. 

Part of my pain is mental manifesting as physical.  That I know.  But part is what it  is.  I’m fluffy ūüėā (inside joke).  

While I didn’t see my actual doctor today, I heard her.  On my way out.  She was screaming at someone on the phone “I can’t do anything about that if you don’t give me the details!”  That’s it.  Out of context.  Who was she screaming at? Patient? Another doctor? The lab? Got me thinking I need to switch.

Though she’s only ever been anything but nice to me. Influenced by yelp ratings and other external forces.  Why am I so gullible and/or why don’t I trust my own intuition?  

Why Is a salty bitch.  Just like Hope who is fickle!! I feel guilty for even entertaining the notion.  

As always more to come. 

I Could Have Been Newsworthy


A bit of levity. If Born in the 50s Or 60s you can likely relate. Who remembers monkey blood? That sure burned !!

No Facilities

‚ÄúCareful ‚Äď You can put an eye out!‚ÄĚ

I was going to reblog Dan‚Äôs post today ‚Äď the other Dan ‚Äď the Dan that ran with a fast crowd of kids who lived close to the edge out there in the canyons of southern California in the time when ships were wood and men were steel. That Dan.

Anyway, Dan was talking about things that ‚Äúcould put an eye out‚ÄĚ and, well that was just about anything when we were kids. A few comments were exchanged and then he asked a question that I‚Äôve answered before. So, easy-peasy for me, I‚Äôm repackaging an older post. Ironically, Dan had already read it. Dan and I have been connected for a long time.

This post started a few years ago when a news story came on about a kid getting shot with a BB gun, Me and a guy at…

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Pastor Danny Is That You?


I wrote the following quite a while ago. ¬†Today I am clearing out my drafts and decided to release the hounds. ¬†I really did get a prank call the day I wrote this post. The call¬†really did freak me out. ¬†But I was not scared off. ¬†You guys are stuck with me. ¬†For better or worse remember? ¬†No wait, that’s just Billy Bob ūüôā

I got a prank phone call today. That has not happened in forever. If I think about it, the last one I got was back in the old days circa 1985-86 when we had a landline. I used to get calls regularly from an old lady whose daughter had our number before we did. ¬†I always talked to her because it was so sad. ¬†She was trying to get her daughter and thought I was her. ¬†No matter how I tried to explain, she’d prattle on. ¬†I’d even answer her “yes mama”. ¬†I wonder whatever happened to her. ¬†I don’t consider that prank calls though, I’m just musing and rambling.

Does anyone remember calling up people randomly and asking: ¬†“Is your refrigerator running? Well you better go catch it.” ¬†¬†Or calling a grocery store and asking: “Do you have Prince Albert in a can? ¬†Well you better let him out!” ¬†For you youngsters, Prince Albert was pipe tobacco. ¬†Those calls were harmless fun right?

I hope that is all today’s call was too. For the caller who asked¬†to talk to Billy Bob, he is not real. ¬†The person Billy Bob is based on shuns all social media and when I tell him about this, he’ll say I should shun all¬†social media too. And I just may. ¬†I’m on the fence as they say. ¬†Or as a technical dweeb, I might just need to get someone to assist me with my privacy settings.

It doesn’t help that I am reading Revival by Stephen King. ¬†I’m already jumpy enough as it is. ¬†Hello, Pastor Danny, is that you?? Great now I’ve got chills. ¬†Oooooooohhhhhhh!

As always, more to come.

The Moral of the Story


Hello everyone. Today, Sunday 5/21/17 in the year of our Lord, I am re-blogging my own post in honor of May Mental Health Awareness Month. Self-care, forgiveness, helping yourself first so you can assist someone else. One in Five. And to think there are still people out there who think mental illness is not really an illness but rather a sign of weakness. Suck it up buttercup my a$$. For example, there was (by some) a vitriol reaction to Chris Cornell’s suicide. No sympathy much less empathy. Jesus wept. He would be so ashamed of YOU! Those of YOU who judge.

J-Dubs Grin and Bear It

I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend who…  And no this is not a REO Speedwagon sing along song of the day. No one’s been messing around.  Wait!  Go back! Click the link and listen.  See what I did there?  Enjoy the song styling of Pit Bull and Mr. Iglesias.  Hehe! Now move forward to this stream of consciousness composition.

I do not think I am breaking any copyright laws in my attempt to paraphrase a story told to me recently.  And before I proceed, I better know I am not breaking the law.  Ignorance is bliss but Ignorantia juris non excusat or ignorantia legis neminem excusat.  Learn your Latin peeps.  I wouldn’t get off scot-free.  Anyways, I Googled the crap out of the tale and came up with zilch.  Breaking the law.  Squirrel.  JUDAS PRIEST!!!!!!!  one of my faves.  Especially the…

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month ‚Äď Mental Health Post a Day in May – May¬†21 – ECTs


This treatment intrigues me. I am torn regarding my personal opinions on medication. I know medication has saved lives and I would not judge someone else path. Check out the video at the end.

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

Electroconvulsive Therapy Treatments ‚Äď ECTs

Please watch the video at the end of my blog post. Thank you.

I am one of the many people who have bipolar or depression that medications do not help. I have tried probably every medication out there over the course of about 24 years and had either severe side effects, adverse reactions or the medications were not effective for me.

Because my bipolar disorder had become unmoored and medications were not helping me, I began having¬†Electroconvulsive Therapy Treatments ‚Äď ECTs about twenty years ago. Over the course of twenty years, I¬†had more ECTs than I can count. The ECTs were very effective for me and truly have less side effects than medications. I praise God for ECTS and I praise God that ECTS worked for me. They saved my life. ECTs saved my life!

(Coincidentally… Just four days ago I had to…

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month ‚Äď Mental Health Post a Day in May – May¬†20 – Alcohol Use Disorder


In memory of my brother. May he rest in peace.

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

What is alcoholism?

  • Alcoholism is a disease characterized by the habitual intake of alcohol.
  • Definition of alcoholism is chronic alcohol use to the degree that it interferes with physical or mental health, or with normal social or work behavior.
  • Alcoholism is a disease that produces both physical and psychological addiction.
  • Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant that reduces anxiety, inhibition, and feelings of guilt.
  • It lowers alertness and impairs perception, judgment, and motor coordination. In high doses, it can cause loss of consciousness and even death.
  • Alcoholism is a disease that damages the brain, liver, heart, and other organs (short-term, long-term effects of alcohol).

Signs and Symptoms

Spotting the signs and symptoms of alcoholism is not always easy.

Alcoholism is a disease that can be seen through drinking-related arrests or job loss, but they tend to happen late in the disease.

Many signs occur earlier, yet are…

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month ‚Äď Mental Health Post a Day in May ‚Äď May 18 ‚Äď Self Injurious Behavior


The world threw me a curve ball and I got behind on re-blogging. I know someone very near and dear who struggled with this. Sometimes she still makes fists so tight as to draw blood and will scratch herself. Hopelessness is watching this flawed coping mechanism.

My Loud Bipolar Whispers

Please read my blog post titled ‚ÄúSelf Injurious Behavior ‚Äď I did That‚ÄĚ

Self-injury (Cutting, Self-Harm or Self-Mutilation)

Self-injury, also known as self-harm, self-mutilation, or self-abuse occurs when someone intentionally and repeatedly harms herself/himself in a way that is impulsive and not intended to be lethal.

The most common methods are:

  • Skin cutting (70-90%),
  • Head banging or hitting (21%-44%), and
  • Burning (15%-35%)

Other forms of self-injury include:

  • excessive scratching to the point of drawing blood
  • punching self or objects
  • infecting oneself
  • inserting objects into body openings
  • drinking something harmful (like bleach or detergent)
  • breaking bones purposefully
  • Most individuals who engage in non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) hurt themselves in more than one way.

How Common is Self-Injury?

  • Research indicates that self-injury occurs in approximately as many as 4% of adults in the United States.
  • Rates are higher among adolescents, who seem to be at an increased risk for self-injury, with approximately 15%‚Ķ

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Patience Is Not My Virtue Yet I’m Managing To Stay Off Web MD


In fact, I’m the opposite of patient.  People tell me “But J-Dub, you’re so calm and patient” When I answer the phone, people try to leave a message because I sound like a fucking answering machine.  Stepford much?  So now the band-aid comes off and the wound is exposed.  That zen sweetness was all an ACT for the first 40 some odd years of my life.  Well, not really an act but rather a self coping mechanism.

If I liked you and I let you in, you may have seen beneath the veneer of faux serenity.  Yet always underneath, I was screaming and out of control on the inside.  Though after 2014, when I almost lost Billy Bob in the fall, I stopped caring what other people thought and for the first time in YEARS I started to speak up.  I became crazy me for all to see.  Now that should be MY mantra “crazy me for all to see”  Either that or “I’m angry as hell and I’m not going to take it any more”  or BEST OF ALL channeling my inner Joan Crawford, as played by Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest telling off the Pepsi executives “DON’T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS!!!”

All in good time is for the birds.  I’ve spent my life undoing puzzles, putting them back together again and figuring out root causes.    I’m at a point now where I can tell you the best option quickly.  I HATE to WAIT!  I have no patience for slow responses.  Watching and having no control over circumstances which are beyond my control is excruciating.

What is the crisis de jour you ask?  The weather!  Where’s the rain?!?  They said it was supposed to rain today and we have not a drop of water!!!!!!   See my tendency to misdirect my feelings is a habit that may never end.  Who cares about the weather?!? Well we all SHOULD but that’s a different rant entirely.

The real crisis is my baby girl, our sweet wouldn’t hurt a fly Lulu goes into surgery on Friday 6/2.  She will be under general anesthesia.  That in itself is a risk.  Not cancer, thankful for small victories but not nothing either.  I cannot stop thinking that as we WAIT, the CYST gets even bigger.  She could lose her right ovary, fallopian tube or both.  We have not nailed down minutiae admin details yet either.  We are waiting for a callback by 5/25 to finalize the details!  WAITING!  I am scared.  And I cannot let on that I am actually terrified.  So I come here to write and expel the demons.  Then I slap on the spackle of rainbows and sunshine.  While a new version of “its nothing until it’s something” plays in my head.

As always more to come.