Thursday Thoughts ~ 10/14/21

My one day a week thinking exercise finds me all over the map. The brain synapses are firing, popping like old fashioned popcorn in hot oil. Ugh! Calgon take me away. Make the thoughts stop.

Overthinking is the bane of my existence. I need to slow my roll and take a pause. And I did just that. Yeah, I know, I surprised myself too. Let’s put a pin in this and come back here later.

I’ve been joking at lot on FB since that’s where my co-workers can see me and I know many can relate. Most recently I wrote about the conundrum that is work email. Specifically I asked Is it appropriate to start an email response with I’m truly, deeply, regrettably sorry … when what you really want to say is “Bite me!” Asking for a friend. LOL

Well back to the pin. I got some results late in the day yesterday that were less than stellar. I’ve been working my John Q hind parts off and didn’t take too kindly to the outcome. I started firing up the email cannon/missile/projectile of your choosing. Then I stopped. Closed shop. Logged off. It was well past 5 pm anyway.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can accept feedback. I spent many years auditing people. I get that the first, knee jerk reaction, is defensive. “Not me” Never me” “The dog ate my homework” Which is why I vowed to never be one of “those” people. I stewed about our rating internally, while reading my newest book, and semi watching TV with the fam. Finally, putting the thoughts out of my mind, I went to sleep and slept like the queen comma drama that I am. Sleep of the just. The righteous I think they call it. I’m kidding folks, in case anyone thinks my situation is anything other than a minor irritation. Since I haven’t used him in a while, the gecko is back. LOL

This morning I lodged my appeal with more questions than accusations. I accept the final score and didn’t try to weasel my way into a high rating. Ultimately this situation is NBD = No Big Deal. Be ready next quarter, my team of two and I will knock their socks off.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 10/7/21

At first I claimed we were bamboozled, now I claim funny math. The AT&T saga wraps up. Yipee!!

Oh wait! I mean the nameless cell phone provider of which AT&T is just one option. Disclaimer: this is my two cents worth 1/2 a penny due to inflation. You guys and gals should make up your own mind.

Bamboozled underlined above links you back to my original post with the deets. In this post, I’ll share where we are now. Their accounting practices must be a bitch to reconcile when courtesy credit is how you make something right. Well courtesy credit and/or miscellaneous credit applied across three phone lines, two of which aren’t even impacted. How do they get away with this? Inquiring minds or minds with too much time on their hands want to know.

Okay, so in total we are entitled to a $700 over 30 months or approximately $23.33 per month account credit. Due to the racket run around, we were only getting $11.67. I won’t belabor the point about the monthly calls to complain we’ve been shorted the difference, instead here is the summary.

  • $11.67 x 9 = $105.03 (credits given, 1/2 of what we’re owed to date)
  • $11.66 x 7 = $81.69 (applied in August for 7 months of the shortage, a little bit was applied to each line for some odd, unknown, still not explainable to me, reason)
  • $261.66 (result of my 9/3/21 call broken down by one time $250 credit for equipment and $11.66 one time courtesy credit)

Still with me? This meant there was no automatic draft from my account in September. Instead we received a bill with $63.82 credit. Now for October, we are in receipt of a bill for what should be our true amount due less the credit. When I look closer to confirm, I see that by line item, the statement still only shows $11.67 credit. But I think that’s ok, looks like we were paid off in advance for the difference. Now you tell me if I’m on to something …

$700 – $105.03 = $594.97 – $81.69 = $513.29 – $261.66 = $251.62 – $245.07 (21 future credit installments of $11.67) = $6.55. The provider is still ahead by a mere six dollars and 55 cents. I’m still miffed about the funny math but at least I no longer feel cheated. Especially when I also received a $15 courtesy credit back in August as just because … for my troubles. I’ll call that as us being ahead by $8.45.

And yes, I will call them to document that my understanding is accurate. I want to make sure that we will continue to get that $11.67. Otherwise that will be the second phone they swindled us out of the full credit. I’m not going to let that happen. Also we’ll damn sure never ever trade in a phone again. I’ll do what my buddy in real life suggested, wait for the sales to buy the phone outright. Specials come around often, for sure they’ll be a bargain during the holidays. Doh! isn’t that what started all of this?!?? lol

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/23/21

tired and broken platitude – how the heck is it 9/23 already?

fickle mind constructs days/hours/minutes into warp speed

beam me up Scotty

The P/T really did a number on me and the old is new place with a new guy since my Gabe moved out of state is helping me ever so slowly but I now have a bigger deficit from which to crawl back

Ugh! but not ugh. If that makes any sense. Ohm. Ohm. Ohm. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I tried to go to the library last Sunday but sadly learned they are no longer open on the most holy day. Pftt, I’m being bratty. Could’ve been any day but regardless, they decided to go to a six day week as a cost saving measure. In the old days, the libraries were closed on Sundays too but for many years in my middle life, I’d escape to the library on Sundays. They were even more quiet than usual due to less traffic. I was the perpetual part time student in the days before wiki/google/instant source. The solitude I felt while in that hallowed space on Sundays was priceless. Or Ab Fab as they, however they are say.

Okay, now I’m just making stuff up. Guess I will say so long, farewell, until next time.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/16/21

I did something people might consider morbid but I’m trying to make sense of the senseless. I wrote down the names of everyone I know who has died since March of 2020; the month that for me will live in infamy. The beginning of the end.

I’ve written ad nauseum about the pandemic. The neverending cycle of crap. The worry and anxiety are overwhelming but lately the overtness of that moves into the background. Truth be told, I am suppressing too much. I’m doing that thing I do where I discount my feelings as not worthy enough to have because someone always has a worse situation. My former therapist helped me see that we shouldn’t discount our feelings because life is not a zero sum game. I might be using the term incorrectly, most people do but oh well. In layman’s terms, if I win you lose. The takeaway is that my level of suck may not be as bad as yours but what I am experiencing still sucks all the same.

I have become very good at faking it. Excellent in fact. I’m HAPPY!! Right?!?? I’m the good little girl, people pleaser, rule follower, sweet, kind, demure. Problems? We don’t got no stinkin problems. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. I do enjoy those Madagascar penguins. Laugh to keep from crying. Story of my life.

I had a dust up or two recently that lets me know maybe I’m not covering as well as I thought I could. I even tried to go back to therapy but after 3 sessions I was cured! Told I was a breath of fresh air who had a good handle on how to deal with my issues. Hmmm. Well I guess I can still hide with the best of ’em. Hence the reason for the list.

But now as I write this post, I realize that making a list is akin to scoring my troubles. Back to zero sum game after adding the pluses up too. What’s a girl to do? I only want to recognize the pain instead of pretending the pain isn’t there. I’m not looking for sympathy either. I’d be all Gecko Someone help me, I have a flat tire! If sympathy was my angle. And yep that’s a repeat commercial below. I laugh every time I see it. And I need more laughter.

I’m just trying to keep on swimming and btw, swimming is my favorite exercise. I regret all the years I stayed out of the water to avoid disrupting my hair color. Uberly stupid.

While I make my mental list to confirm what I’ve written, I realize I haven’t included the injuries and near misses. Accidents happened to three people very dear to me. Both of B’s parents too. MoMo a broken shoulder and PoPo a broken leg. Emotional meltdowns were had by both my kids. Somehow those instances are softer since they’re in the rear view mirror. No looking back. All of this is happening to the backdrop of real word events, some horrific in nature. Pile on after pile on. Those impacted me too. Indirectly sure but as a human being I’d have to be really twisted not to care.

Now what’s left? To get over the hump. How do I move forward?

The number is nine. Nine wonderful people I know irl have passed away in those 18 months. Four from Covid, one was my brother who while we were not that close, we were still family. My sweet sister took care of everything. She sent me his picture, a prayer card, and a ‘bill’ which are tucked in for safe keeping. I take them from the space on my desk and look at them off and on. Two of whom died by suicide. Two from cancer or cancer related complications. One heart attack. I never even told my immediate team at work. No time off. Though once or twice I worked around virtual services. No true grieving, just keep swimming. That can’t be healthy.

Admitting these feelings now is freeing. The genie is out of the proverbial bottle. I may not burst after all. I may be just like the bionic woman, better, faster, stronger.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/9/21

Sweet story for Thursday Thoughts. Driving Mrs. Dub. a.k.a. the Mother-in-Law Chronicles.

It’s been a while since I had to take my mother-in-law to one of her appointments. Whenever we go, she chatters incessantly. On our last trip, she talked about her parents, who would both be over 100 years old if they were still alive. Out of the blue. She brought them up. I steered the convo by telling her about a prompt I participate in. I asked her a question from a recent one of Melanie’s Share Your World posts: Is there such a thing as a good death? Without missing a beat mother’s was a good death, dad’s was not.

And of course I remember both deaths. B and I hadn’t even been married a year when we lost his grandpa. His grandma was alive to see the birth of both of our kids. And she was a wonderful great G-Ma. Very stubborn and opinionated just like her daughter but there’s nothing wrong with that I finally realize in my advanced years. We should have let them have their opinions, doesn’t mean we’d have to jump to when they said what for. The relationships would have been much easier not to resist. Let ’em tell us what to do, then promptly ignore it. They’d never have known.

Okay, time for the sweet story. Which will eventually tie back to the question we discussed. She talked about Mr. Balfour, the local florist, who she just absolutely loved!! He and his wife were the most kind, gentle people. One night Mr. Balfour went to bed. Then the next morning, he just didn’t wake up. That’s the example of a good death, she said. No suffering. I’ve seen too much suffering. Could never have imagined.

She went on to tell the story about how when she and PoPo were dating, they’d visit the Balfour farm with all the flowers and vegetables to get cucumbers or something. There was a drive through delivery where he or his wife would come out to the car. Mr. Balfour would always tease them joking saying, now you two remember, leave enough room for the breeze to blow through. PoPo’s car had a bench seat where she always had to sit right next to him. Get it? she asked me because PoPo’s car didn’t have a console like this one.

Well I got it and much more. She had a life before us once. That in her almost 80 years, she has witnessed quite a bit. Sobering and sentimental. Maybe bittersweet for this story is more apt than sweet. But still a story and I’ve got a boatload of them. We all do.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/2/21

I’m in this weird sort of head space. Again. One step forward, two steps back. Gimme two steps toward the door. Mixing metaphors and song lyrics as the whirling dervish whirls. Yeah buddy. I tell ya what.

It’ll be nice to have a long weekend. No big plans just a low key dinner. I plan to sleep in Monday which is something I rarely do these days. My Kindle is loaded up and I’m treating myself to the library Sunday. Yep that’s me living large.

Alright. Lemme let ya go.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/26/21

I wrote something too controversial to post. Some words are best left unsaid ya know. In its place I had something good but I didn’t write down my thoughts quick enough. Which means I forgot. So much for good. Instead you get boring and wordy.

Not as good as what I thought about this morning but along the same vein, here goes nothing.

Dreams. I have been having lots of vivid dreams lately. Usually early in the morning after B gets up at 5 and before I have to get up at 7. I hear the beep, beep. beep of his alarm but quickly I am under again. Those are prime hours for the active imagination where I’m in deep REM sleep. I think I wrote before about how I was enamored with dreams and their meanings. I wanted to analyze them to make sense of the nonsensical. That’s not going to happen because I don’t remember them. All I know is I wake anxious because the dream is active like me running away from a lion or something.

I also used to be enamored with my horoscope. I read the daily and every month I’d get a scroll at Handy Andy. I miss the Handy Andy. I remember the candy and gum at checkout. Fruit Stripes and some cherry gum that I always had to have. Well that or fire sticks or jolly rancher green apple. The joy! lol

Alrighty, enough prattling about. Lemme let ya go.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/19/21

*** Trigger Warning ****

The swirling thoughts are a whirling dervish of worry. Calgon take me away. If only a bubble bath could solve problems long term instead of temporarily pushing them away.

As much as I’m an open book, I also keep things close to the vest. I’m odd about what I share and what I push down/bottle up. Some ‘stuff’ is happening again that makes me want to scream from the rooftops but I stop short in these are not my stories to tell. And/or I think no one cares to listen to you whine Jilly. Or worse, I believe my ‘stuff’ is not important since others have situations worse than mine. Damn that part of therapy didn’t take. My feelings are second class citizens.

I did a little writing exercise. Old school pen and paper. I timestamped the date March 16, 2020. That was the Monday after Spring Break where I returned from a week of vacation to work from home. Yep, I got the call, don’t come back until this blows over. The ‘this’ was Covid-19 and the virus is still blowing us down.

A lifetime of “stuff” has occurred over this past 17 months. Mind boggling actually. My list beings simply with that date. No real form or fashion, only bullet points of trauma. Ya, I said trauma. And these are things on my list that do not directly impact me. But being witness is sometimes as traumatic. My list contains an in memorandum section. Jesus weeps, the list is long.

I only put people I knew in real life, either by work, school, community. I included children of friends, co-workers, family members. Yep I lost a brother during Covid and a cousin. My brother was in his late 70s, in a nursing home, had dementia among other ailments. They still have his cause of death as the Rona despite several of the family thinking he had so much other health woes going on that cause of death should be changed. My cousin was quite tragic in that hers was not by natural causes. In fact, three people I know besides her died by suicide in that timespan.

For the last 4 days, I have been sitting here with knots in my stomach. Twisted gut syndrome I call it and pretty sure it is mentally induced. All the tests are negative so this has to be emotions manifesting as physical pain. I have been worried about my Pony Boy. I told B something was up but I didn’t know what. Ever since the dust up on Christmas Eve we’ve been out of sync. But then things returned to normal. People only worry about the ones who aren’t smiling. We never worry about the gregarious. And my boy is a jokester. Our son-shine. Mister happy-go-lucky. Sweetest kid ever.

He basically had a breakdown for reasons that shall remain locked up tight. He showed up at my door in the middle of the day. Told me all about it without too many specifics. He’s my twinkie and he also bottled up too much ‘stuff’ until the bad had no place to go but out.

Now I worry that he could one day soon be on my list, without intervention, that thankfully he is getting. Or so he says he is getting. I pray that what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger. That he believes tomorrow will be better. That everything is eventual and things will change. That this too shall pass.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/12/21

Howdy y’all. I’m a hot mess. Many swirling thoughts. Mostly goodness too. Yesterday we had a ‘chat’ at work. A follow on to the big meeting that caused many people to spin. Me? I’m a cucumber baby.

Actually we had two meetings … the all in chat, then the department level notice of re-org. They always play music before we get started and when Rachel Platten’s Fight Song started blasting, I did too. Sobbing actually. Why?

When my dear friend Cat was prepping for surgery, the one she ultimately died from, she asked us to recommend songs for her hospital playlist. Fight Song was my nominee. This song will forever wreck me and lift me up simultaneously.

Then we rolled right into Sara Bareilles’ Brave. Jesus weeps. I was a puddle.

After my good cry, I was reset. Even more than from my week off. I don’t want to minimize anyone else’s feelings but between you, me, and the fence post the world is full of whiners. In case you wonder, the boomers aren’t necessarily the entitled ones. Entitlement to me is a personality trait or learned behavior that has no age limit.

Did the news suck? Ya, some of it anyway, but that’s life. I have choices. If you don’t like it, “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya”. Go on get outta here said in my Bugs Bunny voice over voice. Lol.

Freedom to make our own choices. I’m telling ya what. Sweetness. Maybe my old age and life experience has simply made me malleable in the best way possible. Bring it!

Okay enough blathering about. TGIR! Lemme let ya go.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/5/21

Yesterday, we got the final bid for our roof. We texted back the acceptance. That is already giving me the heebeegeebees. I’d like to see a contract. The thing is the bid us from a friend of a friend giving B the ‘brother in law’ deal. With several other home projects, B has done that. Our A/C for example was 1/2 of the cost. Of course now we find it’s a brand no one has heard of and recently it leaked due to faulty install. And the friend is no longer talking to the friend and it wouldn’t matter because we are outside the warranty anyway. Ugh! Pray the same doesn’t happen with our roof.

I’m harping that something is rotten in Denmark. Asking B ” who would do this and not make money?” The total cost is less than the material from the other guy. B assures me things are legit. Swears the other guy overbid to shoo us away. Again I asked “who would do that” and B says Jill it happens.

We started this process before the storm as part of home maintenance. I played darts in the phone book and got some bids but then PoPo broke his leg and other stuff happened delaying things. I had even forgotten how much those original estimates were for so I dusted off the emails showing a range of $12,950 to $25,200. Post storm, having already been paid, I put out a call for recommendations. I didn’t feel comfortable playing darts in the phone book. One place rose to the top. Disproportionately the winner. Of course, I had to have them. We waited three weeks to even get a bid. Are you sitting down? Their price was $39,993. We wanted standing seam not gold. I called one other place through the contractor connection via the insurance company and that price was $34,228. Then, breaking down and letting B work his magic, we get an estimate for $20,250. Hmmm.

Oh well, we’re taking the plunge. I just don’t like it. Maybe I’m still too salty after the A/C leak. Or maybe I’m just MSU = making stuff up. Yep, we’ll go with that.

As always, more to come.