No thoughts today … I can only think one day a week and I gave a midweek update yesterday. LOL
Just kidding, my thoughts are 24/7 (even in dreams as I’m sleeping). They are off the charts, flying around in my brain. Too much!! I can’t even attempt to gather them together into some semblance of a coherent post.
As I closed my day out yesterday, I was happy. Satisfied. Giddy almost. Nothing all that special happened and I cannot account for my feelings. Maybe I was covering but I do not think so. We all have our coping mechanism and mine is pretend joy. But not yesterday … at least I hope not.
I added this video to our group chat right before I logged out. I asked does anyone else think they’re a professional dancer and get up outta their chair when this commercial comes on? You see, I do … for a while now … every single time I see it. Recently Lulu got up and did a little move with me herself. Fun times I tell ya what.
I’ve got lots more where that came from but we’re burning daylight as the not so nice John Wayne once said in The Cowboys. Gotta get to work … cattle must be driven. Wishing you the best rest of your day.
A couple of things percolating in ye ole noggin. Only because I’m still in pain and we’re living the end of days. I’m reminded of a chapter from the Stand where someone on team Stu Redman … maybe Stu himself attempts an appendectomy despite not having the skills to do so knowing it was the only thing that could possibly save a life. They had found a medical text book and tried to learn as they went. Of course the guy still died. Life is imitating art. No telling how many people we’ll lose due to treatable illnesses because Covid has overrun the hospitals. Levels severe in SAT with no end in sight. I get that I’m being dramatic but dammit I hurt.
The other bee in my bonnet is people who knowingly spread the vid. B’s extended family members had a Christmas Eve gathering where everyone got sick. All but one who might have some sort of miracle immunity. Today it was shared that so-n-so and her niece were already feeling sick and went anyway. Didn’t disclose to allow folks to make an informed decision. They were the source. Talk about being pissed. Three of the attendees who had planned to skip were talked into going! Told it was ok. And it may have been if the sickies had stayed away instead.
Still I’m convinced not if but when. I hope I don’t keel over waiting until it’s safe to go in. Maybe by my February/ March follow up things will be better. One can hope.
As this year winds down, I’m not sure what to do with myself. I worked a few days over the holidays since for the first time ever our entire family is gainfully employed. Without the same tenure as I have or with being a boss like B is, they had to work. Left with too much time on my hands is no bueno. Work was a respite. Plus the office is quiet and I was able to complete some long overdue “housekeeping”. No scroll inbox for one! Yeah buddy. My outlook system is back in bidness.
What a cluster. Things I have not posted about. The minor irritations I post about instead to mask and redirect. This is not my story to tell but we’re gutted.
I’ve also not written about my continued pain. No relief but with every test known to man conducted and shown as negative, I have resigned my lot. My GP will give me any pill I ask for but that is little consolation to finding out what this is and treating to cure not just take the edge off. And that comes with consequences otherwise known as side effects.
The physical therapy was a fiasco though I continue with at home exercises that do help somewhat. I always feel better when I’m mobile. I’m determined not to whine as much anymore. I’ll still bitch about it when I hit a wall like now but otherwise I’ll just keep powering through until I keel over. I told B that if I go before my time, to sue them because not finding out my diagnosis wasn’t for lack of trying.
In fact, I went in too often. I secretly think my doctor wrote me off as crazy considering the notes from her predecessor which I have in my hot little hands. She picked up where the other left off. And the other? Well I hope her concierge medical practice failed miserably. First do no harm my Aunt Frances. She left us in a lerch.
Enough already! Turn that frown upside down. Grab some breakfast, then get to work. Tomorrow is a holiday and I’ve got a book with my name on it … or not exactly on it. Lol. That ship has sailed. I’m avid reader not a writer and nary the two shall meet.
P.S. Yesterday’s post may seem to be out of order but leaving this previously scheduled post anyway.
Today’s rambling might be a confession or maybe I’ll continue to hold things close to the vest. I told my friend that I felt like a liar. My guilt is overwhelming me. She replied, it is not a lie if you choose not to disclose sensitive info of a personal nature to the world. I said, to me this is a lie by omission. I have been lying by omission my whole life. Her response was baloney! What an awesome friend. She made me feel much better. Though I need help believing her.
Mostly I’m the blabby type but this one thing was a secret that went deep to my core. And for those who knew my secret because it was shared on my behalf, have since forgotten. Odd how when the secret doesn’t concern you, the memory fades quickly. Kind of like gossip, flash in the pan and gone. Once again, I’m reminded that I am NOT the sun! Dammit! But I wanna be the sun. Revolve around ME people, revolve all around ME!!
I have an attachment disorder. Self diagnosed but I know that I have one. I do one of two things. I distance and distrust like the plague or I smother and trust unconditionally without validation of any kind. No inbetween. Both extremes are dangerous. I’m fodder for con artists. I’m also blessed beyond belief that B is a good guy. My antenna is broken but thankfully where he is concerned, I don’t need one. Guess my guardian angel was watching when she put us together.
The Twitter experiment was actually a success. I have had a chance to reflect and overall very positive. Like WP. This community is welcoming. Parts of twitter land may be the mean streets but I followed groups of the same ilk. My people, accepted me without question. I had people! First time for everything y’all. They too must have attachment disorders to be so gracious and gentle with me. Still on the fence about writing out the details since the raw freshness makes the story scattered. You ask, how is that different from anything else you write Jilly? Well it isn’t but, …
Okay, that’s a wrap … for now. I’ll be back though. Like a bad penny. Constantly turning up. Haha!!
I’m like a long tail cat in a room full of rockers …
In others words, I’m triggered … just a tad
So this happened yesterday …
Lulu, her BF and I were returning home to pick up Pony and B so that we could attend Lightscape at the SA Botanical Gardens. As we approach the intersection, to turn right onto our street, there were several people in the road who were flagging us down to stop. Then a cop car drove up behind and went around us, then another in quick succession.
We rolled down the window to ask what’s up? and were told a madman in that car down there blocking the entrance to our driveway was hauling A up and down the road, knocking out several mailboxes and doing donuts in our yard. He was doing all this as he and his passenger were screaming at each other so loudly, the people outside in their yards could hear.
This was the series of unfortunate of events lightning striking twice. Lulu called her daddy with trepidation as the BF and I, listened on speaker. B said we were pulling his chain, that he heard nada, and that the dogs didn’t even bark. He and Pony went out to look and saw the couple by their car, still screaming but fortunately police at the scene.
We told them to walk to MoMo and PoPo’s and we’d pick them up there. Did a U-ee and drove to the back way in. They told us as they climbed into the car that best they could tell the donuts were done in our neighbor C & R’s yard. No one was home or hurt. Whew! Pony remarked “they had a nice car … Mercedes and dad did you see his shoes? Those red Nikes are $3000 a pair”. Me “WTF, for shoes? Drug dealer. 10/30/06 all over again. Sacrebleu”. Yep I did say all those things. lol
We’ll never know the outcome since we had things to do and places to be. I’m numb to the possibilities I think. Instead I’m taking my mind to Lightscape. I’ll write more about that awesome experience later. For now, check this out https://www.sabot.org/lightscape/ … good times were had by all.
My mind is racing. Thoughts popping like popcorn in hot oil. Yeah buddy. No rest for the wicked. Wicked = ME! Not really but the guilt is overwhelming. The fact that these feelings of culpability are fake as in MSU = making stuff up only makes matters worse. Why oh why do I do this to myself?? I can feel my cheeks reddening with embarrassment. But whatever. I read recently that you haven’t won a Twitter argument until the other person says “whatever”. Here is a big phat f*cking whatever!!!!!!! YOU win! I lose! And I’m okay with that.
Oooh. Today’s a lottery playing day with that numerical anagram. Did I use that word right? No time to waste. Moving on.
As I completed month end reconciliation yesterday I was pissed. Grumble rumble fumble beeswax. Ugh! No place to go but up!
And the day ended on a hilarious note that I’m still laughing about this morning. I’d tell you want happened but I’d break the bank in word count. It’s a story that when I tried to tell B, I couldn’t finish without cracking up. So imagine writing that out. I’d need some of John’s mad writing skillz to relay the funnies.
Okie doke. I’m ready for anything. I can conquer the woes with smiling and over all silliness. Life’s too short to waste being all irritated.
On this day, I am thankful for all the goodness in my life. I’m forever grateful for the experiences and lessons bestowed upon me. We remember the past. I sure do miss my parents, our grandparents, our brothers, and extended family who have gone before. I smile with the memories, flashbulb though they may be, and choose to blot out the sour notes. To me, this is a perfect day for reflection. We shouldn’t have to name it Thanksgiving and celebrate only one day a year.
“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Okay Ralph Waldo, I’m grateful for the sucky shit too. Tee Hee 😉
I know there are people protesting today. I know there are things in the world that are atrocious. I realize there are things we shouldn’t be paying homage to but in an effort to take the politics out of this day, I reclaim this time for something else. Repurpose. Evolve.
And with that, I’ll go back to enjoying a square of baked filling that was too much to make it into the pie. Yep crustless pumpkin pie for breakfast with a nice hot cup of coffee. Ah now that’s the stuff.
Where do I begin? So many swirling thoughts are flooding my brain. Got a feeling that I’m going under but I know that I’ll make it out alive (thanks Shawn Mendes). But this isn’t a lost love feeling. Thankfully I don’t have that on top of all my other woes. Counting blessings in an attempt to stay afloat. It’s just ….
Just what? Well hell if I know. If I knew, I wouldn’t be here philosophizing and such. I’d be out enjoying life. As I sit here pondering my emotional state, I realize that my life has changed in extreme ways that I never thought possible. Yet I minimize the aftereffects. Today I finally realize that acting like nothing has changed has worn out it’s welcome. I need to have a burial pyre for what’s gone so I can replace those feelings of loss with feelings of hope. Yep I know I call Hope a fickle bitch sometimes. Not today, giving Hope some much needed TLC.
I’m not able to verbalize what took me down this path of self reflection but today I got up and made it a point to reach out. Instead of sitting back and waiting or judging by what I saw online, I said I’m going to initiate. In two cases, the responses were so similar to mine it was eerie. One said “doing the best we can” and “stay in touch” while the other said “hanging in there”. And I thought these people were out there having fun without me. Extreme FOMO in my case. I was so sure I’d be starting out alone and brand new which is tricky for this introverted peoplely person. Yep still making up words. Some idiosyncrasies will stay. Okay, enough thinking and more action. Off I go into the wild blue yonder.