Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/1/23

I’m scheduling this post in advance to keep my streak alive. I can’t have a little thing like life interrupt consecutive days writing because writing sets me free. I’ve always got a lot on my mind, just works that way. Hard wired into my DNA. Speaking of DNA, I’m gearing up for my trip of a lifetime. Yeah, queen comma drama aka lil Jilly is still in the house.

I’ve made a list of all that can go wrong not because I really think these things will happen but because doing so gets the intrusive thoughts out of my head. For anyone who ever watched This Is Us, remember Randall & Beth playing the verbal version … worst case scenario … go!! well that is what I did. Released the hounds as it were & I’m not even unhappy. I’m cautiously optimistic even if I do come home to a layoff. Because part of my twisted brain assumes I deserve to be laid off for even daring to take this pilgrimage. But that’s nonsense! As if anyone in this current situation deserves what they get. That includes the decision makers who are not themselves impacted.

Maybe a more healthy way to deal would be to write the good stuff that might happen. But then I’ve never really believed in unicorns. I’m more Eeyore than Tigger. Always have been & likely always will be even though I can rally to Pooh or Piglet like status on most occasions.

Alrighty, time to land the plane. If all goes according to plan, on this day, about this time, I will be meeting my cousin in Kent WA. We’ve emailed a few options for meeting plans back & forth, nothing aligning. I grabbed his most recent email offer with a resounding sounds great! let me know where to be at noon. I won’t look back until I land & if it’s an oops that won’t work then our meeting face to face was not meant to be.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/25/23

I changed my featured image for this Thursday’s regularly scheduled post. I’m no longer a shadow, I’m a real girl even with my back turned to you. I was looking at a mermaid when Lulu snapped this picture. Nope not a “real” mermaid but a mermaid mosaiculture at the SA Botanical Gardens. The current exhibition Imaginary Worlds ~ Once Upon A Time ~ is fantastic!!!!!!

Here’s the mermaid I’m talking about … so y’all know I haven’t lost it completely.

I’m overthinking as usual but I want this post to be stand alone happy. She’s a siren & a savior. Meant to be viewed from all sides, at least that’s was the placard says. I may see a mermaid in WA? Again, not a “real” mermaid. This isn’t Fantasy Island. Ha-ha. For those TV viewers, IYKYK.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/18/23

40 years ago on this day I graduated from high school. It took me 23 years from 40 years ago to graduate from college. I took the extended route. But I’m glad because it made me stronger. 

Right now I’m having to draw on some of that strength. Summon my inner mettle to get through these trying times. I want to go out on my own terms after all these years but I may not be given a choice. We’re all scared, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Tuesday was another wave & more changes to follow.

It sucks when good hard-working people are displaced through no fault of their own. And that’s what’s going on right now. This time I know people personally. It wasn’t nameless faceless people in another area. I’m not saying that it wasn’t sad when the nameless faceless people were let go because it was equally as sad. Still, there’s something different about knowing them personally, that makes it a tougher pill to swallow.

So now I wait for yet another wave to come over. If it’s me, it’s meant to be. It wouldn’t be the first time that someone was let go at the end of their career under terms that they did not pick for themselves. It happened to my father-in-law at exactly the same age I am now. We share initials. I look for all these random coincidence that might make our situation the same. Actually now that I think about it, he was a year older than I am now. So maybe that’s my saving grace. Haha 😆

A coworker mentioned to me that she had 32 years in when she was let go. She’s been with us for three years now. Sometimes you do land on your feet. Glimmers of hope.

OK, no more doom & gloom. Except maybe one last thing. I am convinced, I will go on my pilgrimage and come back to the news of 60 days or out. It’s some sort of transference thing going on in my head. I’m feeling guilty about taking this trip and spending money on myself to do so, and that somehow I believe I should be punished. Oy vey. Thank goodness for therapy which if I’m laid off will be the first to go.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/11/23

Anxiety is raising its ugly head. I thought I could be brave. I did a few brave things but now I’m gripped with panic. Everything goes back to one single thing. I question my right to exist. As Kermit said “it’s not easy being green”. At least I still have my sense of humor.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/4/23

So many thoughts so little time. I’m anxious as hell. Shaking it off because as Taylor Swift sings, those lyrics work. Everyone gets nerves even those who appear calm. When I gave my version of a Ted talk back on 3/2/22, I walked away my nerves. I used tapping & flapping. One quick shake or stretch is all it takes sometimes. Sadly it doesn’t last though.

Prepping for the big inevitable. With limited info, I’m making stuff up. Humans need the why. Worst case scenario girl is on the scene. I’m sure I’ll be forced into early retirement. Ugh 😑

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/27/23

Me: My trip is partially booked: Airfare, rental, & rooms for 3 nights. I’m still getting rooms for the remainder of my stay.

Pony: You’re going somewhere?

Me: Yep, I’m going on a pilgrimage

Pony knew what I meant by that. Not like when the only daddy I ever knew went to the Czech Republic but similar enough. I want to be where my mom spent the first 19 years of her life. I want to visit the places my first family is from & some still live. On my terms, thanks to Charles. I have an expect nothing but never lose hope attitude. A solo adventure just might cure me. He gave me a red scarf 🧣 plan that I may or may not use.

Pony: Is dad going with you?

Me: No, I need to do this alone. Besides you know how he is 😂

Pony: I know how you are, you need a chaperone 😂

Wish me luck folks.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/20/23

**** Trigger warning ****

My baby girl is in crisis & we’ve no idea what to do. Maybe not splash this news across social media huh? Well for the record, we are doing things in irl too & first. This share is part of my therapy. I am not sharing for sympathy but to get intrusive thoughts out of my head & show others struggling that they are not alone. Everything is temporary & this too shall pass. I hang on tight to that sentiment!

The subject of mental health is a sticky wicket. Disclaimer: I have no advice to give & any suggestions commented here should not be construed as advice either. Sort of sad that we have to caveat everything but we do. I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV. I read somewhere that posting the suicide hot line number is actually more harmful. No idea what to believe. There is advice that contradicts advice & I wonder which end is up.

Lulu had her first episode (for lack of a better way to describe it) when she was a 16 year old junior in high school. I blame hormones in cow’s milk … that’s sarcasm folks. This occurred the Tuesday after Labor Day. B was working out of town & I reacted without consulting him ultimately making a bad choice. If only I had said “sure, we’re taking a mental health day & not going back to work or school”. But we went back inside to try & coerce her to school, one thing led to another and she was admitted.

Next time she was in crisis, it was on Good Friday of her senior year. We had a huge fight on Holy Thursday. She had the next day off so to make amends I left the car for her while we went to work only to result in the terrible awful that I can never write about. Yep, not going there ever again.

But then she graduated high school & went off to college. Those years were rough with her away on her own but somehow she persevered. Until December of 2020. After being sent home in March of 2020 to finish her last year, then graduating in August 2020, with all of us pandemic fatigued, it happened again, she went into crisis. To be fair, she was also switching meds. That breakdown seemed to be over before it started, new meds worked, & she found three jobs. Not all at once. LOL. The first two did not pan out but this last one did at least up until this moment.

Buying a house is stressful even when you saved for two years to put 20% down. Even when you are moving in with the love of your life. Even when you have family who love & support you. Especially because you believe you have to be perfect or else. And she does believe that with her whole heart. So when major changes in your job happen simultaneously with the joy of home ownership, it is a powder keg of emotions. She is saying things that are on the watch list & believe me, we are watching like hawks. Still no guarantees but we do the best we can in the moment.

So friends, talk, talk, and talk some more. Reach out to those in your circle, struggling or not. Then hold on for dear lives as we all go on Mr. Toad’s wild ride (of life).

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/13/23

I’m in Austin Texas y’all. Tomorrow is a big day. I have a hearing & I have no attorney which means I’m a fool. H

Here’s what I do, arrived at 1 & sat in the Denny’s parking lot taking my back to back afternoon meetings. Around 4, I moseyed on over & checked in. Then I took my walk to the courthouse because of course I require a “dry run”. I turned right but left was right. In other words, I can’t read a freaking map.

I got there. All’s well that ends well. I’m primed for mañana. Woo to the hoo.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/6/23

In keeping with my usual fodder, in addition to the Blogging from A to Z April Challenge, time for Thursday Thoughts. This week is flying by & Thursday snuck up on me. It stinks that I have to drive into the office tomorrow, on Good Friday only to punch my ticket. LOL

Ya see I’m a hybrid model on paper but a forced return to office 3-day a week employee in reality. Okay, not exactly forced. I always tell how I worked off a TV tray in my living room from March 2020 until September 2020 when I realized we weren’t going back into the office any time soon. I stayed working off that TV tray as long as I could so I would not get comfortable. I wanted to go back! I missed the energy. I moved into Pony’s old bedroom as my office & sank right in. Aaahhhh comfortable chair, aesthetics, so cozy. I made a nest y’all.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about going back now. I enjoy the flexibility that allows me to pick my 3 days & this week I had stuff to work around Wednesday & today which made being home a necessity. Of course when I am here, I work way more than 8 hours a day. Besides that, I could get used to this. I DID get used to this …

The company had layoffs again & I’m grateful to still be gainfully employed. My heart is broken since this time I knew people displaced which is different somehow than when those impacted are nameless & faceless. Dang, my thoughts are brooding.

My planner says I could retire NOW at only 58 but I don’t believe her. I want to work forever y’all. No seriously. Work gives me a purpose I do not otherwise have in this life. I need a Plan B to keep me going before I retire & without that, hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to work I go.

Ok, time to land the plane. But before I go, my hearing is next Friday 4/14/23. I returned my announcement form, got it back & called to ask a boatload of questions. I emailed an amended announcement form which wasn’t rejected but not confirmed either. I’m checking my email like a mad woman. I’m making a trip from San Antonio to Austin for this hearing. I better be on the docket!! Only to be told no but still if no one hears me, I will cry. Yep. Big baby. Wish me luck.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 3/30/23

I recently received an order missing two cards. I’m not pursuing correction. I would normally but this is found family. I’m afraid to make waves since I’m on shaky ground anyway. And least I see it as shaky ground.

Inside the envelope with my order was a note. This note was in response to an email I sent back in October 2022 & a yahrzeit from January 2023. I’m so full of gratitude to be acknowledged. I really don’t want to rock the boat by asking for two cards.

I was so encouraged by this acknowledgement from one cousin that I sent a different cousin an email with a few family records & photos related to their branch. I did this without expectations & doubt I’ll get a reply. I think I got my quota because he’s already replied twice before. I’m still stung because that was back in July when he also passed my info on to his sister who has yet to reach out.

Trying to resolve my feelings about this mess. Makes me uber sensitive to others. I definitely don’t want anyone else to feel this way. Do onto others & all that jazz. Now for a song 🎶

As always more to come.