Thursday Thoughts with a Side of Poetry ~ 6/23/22

I have always written to release the hounds. I graduated from a cute little diary with lock and key to spiral notebooks. At the start, I had no idea why I was compelled to put pen to paper. For me, the writing process was therapeutic. A time of slowing down the thoughts into some semblance of organization, to make sense of the chaos forever swirling in my brain.

In a recent Swedish death clean, I reread my spirals, then promptly recycled them. Destroyed the evidence of my wild crazy days. Ah to be young again. But I digress. The purge saves Pony and Lulu from having to decide what to do with my things. I want to spare them that duty.

Sounds like I’m preparing to die y’all because now I can die happy. Something very small and inconsequential to others has happened to me to validate my existence. When I say die, I mean figuratively die (or let go). Though I’ve yet to receive a proper diagnosis which makes anything possible but I’m managing day by day.

Okay, time to land the plane. Throughout my childhood journals, I doodled, copied quotes, and wrote poetry. Scattered all among the prose where pearls of wisdom that I collected by observing everyday life. Like no other form of writing, poetry was where any bad feelings flowed onto the page. If journaling worked before to keep the pain at bay, maybe it’ll work again? Dusting off my mad skillz. Without further ado, here goes nothing …

my heart is full


creating a palpable

sense of urgency

to make up for

what might have been

hide what hurts

deep inside

for what was lost


never final

until done

I might refer back here as a landing page for my Get Real series where I plan on sharing more of my “stuff”. Or not. I’m still on the fence.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/16/22

A rose by any other name … Storytime on lil Jilly’s blog – Random things I’m thinking about …

When B and I got engaged, one of the first things my soon to be mother-in-law said to me was “well don’t call me mom, you’ve already got one of those”. I was immediately offended because I am oh so sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve. I know we were only 19& 20 and she thought we were too young to marry but dang talk about putting up an immediate wall.

I grew up calling my friend’s moms “mom” most of the time. As a term of endearment. Not everybody is so keen on that idea.

Maybe there are more people out there like my mother-in-law where names or how you address someone is rigid/formal dare I say cold? It’s sad to me when people have been married for years with children and grandchildren and everything that life puts you through who still address their mother-in-law as Mrs. <insert last name>. At least Mary let me call her by her first name. And now thanks to the kiddos, she is MoMo.

I surely do not want to be called Mrs. Dub. By anybody! Nope, that’s not for me. I’d like a fun nickname. Oh wait, I’ve got several of those. Y’all know that I have a thing for nicknames. Jilly, J-Dub, Jilly-Willy, Chili, and more.

You might also know I disliked my name growing up. Mainly because of all the Jack & Jill kidding I put up with. Oh how unoriginal boys in the 4th grade. Yes I have my crown and my pail of water. Lol.

I also have Ponyboy, Lulu, or B / Big B squared who have forgotten what their real names are because they go by these nicknames. My newest Tia, Auntie Renee is the same with nicknames.

So, what do you say party people? What’s your preference? Formal, informal, or something in between. Like the ole gag says, you can call me anything, just don’t call me late for dinner.

Ba-dum-tis went the drums and the cymbals.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/9/22

I have a doctor’s appointment via telemed at 3:15 today. Not gonna lie, I’m shaking in my shoes nervous. I blew off the painful/invasive procedure that I wrote about HERE. I know my doctor thinks I’m a drug seeking quack but in my notes from her predecessor my file says I am drug adverse. Well excuuuuse meeee if I don’t want to be her guinea pig taking drugs to treat symptoms without a known cause. And have you seen my daily pill count?

I take Crestor for high cholesterol, Vitamin D, Magnesium, Calcium, Zinc, Acidophilus and a colon health probiotic. My pee is vitamin fortified I tell ya what. TMI but I read that somewhere. All those supplements likely don’t help the way we think they do and go straight to flush. I figure they can’t hurt.

I stopped taking tylenol or ibuprofen because I didn’t want to destroy my liver but now the pain is such that ya, I’m taking it. Doesn’t even take the edge off though. I hope this appointment will get me back on track to a firm diagnosis. And once I get a firm diagnosis, I will jump on the pill popping band wagon. Like a diabetic takes insulin, there has to be a cause and effect.

B, medical doctor that he is, says “it’s your back” and that my back can cause pain that radiates. And yes I have slight scoliosis and all the osteo stuff. Maybe he is right? But something is twisted in the front which goes straight to the bones. For the life of my I can’t understand why nothing definitive shows on the CT or MRI. There are quite a few remarks in all the notes which have been dismissed by the doctor. Something is there. I’m sure of it.

Wish me luck. Ta-Ta for now.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/2/22

Pony and I were going to take a trip together this month. But procrastination has resulted in a need for Plan B. I think I will still take off the time, lord knows I’ve got enough to use before I lose it. I just dislike wasting perfectly good time on being a couch slug.

I may have hinted at some big things going on behind the scenes. I drop easter eggs all over the place. And by easter egg, I am liberalizing the meaning which is …  a message, image, or feature hidden in software, a video game, a film, or another, usually electronic, medium. This blog is an electronic medium isn’t it? As is Twitter. I think I’m being clever one moment then in the next I think you’ve got my number. I’m F. I. N. E. fine which we all know is eff’ed up, insecure, neurotic, emotional. Check!

Speaking of Twitter, I had three accounts. I forgot about my 2014 account @JillJDub, linked to this blog. @JillyBeans is the handle I created in 2017 because I spaced on already having an account. Quite by accident, I found @JillyBeans open with notifications. Then I closed it. Don’t need two Twitter accounts for irl stuff. My alternate account opened in 2021 shall remain incognito for now. Funny how the alternate is where I am my most true self. Free from the worry of alienating family and friends. Instead I will alienate strangers all day long. lol

I did something I regret and now I wait for potential repercussions. I’m really MSU waiting for the other shoe to drop. If only I had practiced the pause. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I would’ve always wondered what if? Instead with this final act, I’m done. Consequences come what may. Adhering to a restraining order should be easy considering we reside in different states.

Do I really think, that is the path which will be pursued? Nope. I’m preparing for the worst while expecting the best. And I’ll settle for being ignored. As rude and disrespectful as that is, I’m going with silence is golden instead of silence howls. Maybe silence can do both? I can’t control much except for my reactions.

And with that ta-ta until next time.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/19/22

My sweet Lulu learned she has to go back on the phones Monday and she is devastated. As someone who spent 15 years on the phones loving every minute, who kept trying to find ways I could talk to customers every now and then even after my job no longer called for it, I can’t relate. Just because I liked the call center life though doesn’t minimize her feelings. When she is sad, I am too. My sweetest delicate flower. I stopped short of saying “well at least you have a job”. They could have let her go completely. But again that is minimizing her feelings which she is entitled to feel!!!!

A plus is I am reading fiction again. At one point, I had read so much that I had a Friday Book Club feature here on this blog. Not sure I will get back to that pace but I’ll let ya know after I finish this one. I think my decision to read again came from CBT. I started journaling and with that came a realization that I had stopped all my hobbies except gardening.

I had some other realizations – Fear of Missing Out – FOMO is both real and fake. I had a couple of truly bad days and expressed my sadness to Lillie. She suggested I reach out to some fellow humans, so I did. In each of the two interactions, I felt cheated afterwards. That’s what I mean by real and fake. I felt left out, that was real but I thought these co-workers were having fun without me because they were without me. Turns out nothing personal and in one case, they were not even having fun.

See Jilly J-Dub, you are not the sun. What I found to be true though is that if you want people in your life, you have to make room for them. Some people have their person(s) and they are blessed. Makes me jealous if I’m honest. Jelly Jilly. Maybe I haven’t found someone to make space for besides B and the kids. Or maybe I have but I think all or nothing. The effort makes me wimp out from even trying to connect. I can’t complain if I’m not willing to engage. That’s on me.

Alrighty, enough wamp, wah! Lemme let ya go. Until next time.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/12/22

Well property valuation protest prepping is going to end me. What a racket. We’re blessed to have a roof over our heads but if this keeps up for how long? The rat 🐀 bastards. Sorry I’m just venting. I’m sure they’re very nice people. The system is what’s flawed.

Yet I don’t have it in me to vent. Apparently I didn’t protest last year. And I’d been on a roll since 2016. Instead 2020 was when I got them down by 1/2 the amount increased. For 2022, the increase was six freaking figures with a homestead cap of 99k to offset. What the ever loving blankety blank.

No way we could sell the home for the amount they’ve assessed. Or I’d we could, we might just do it and go completely off the grid. Jilly J-Dub and her Jeremiah Johnson living off the land. Now that brings relief 😮‍💨 to think about that.

Champagne 🍾 problem. More whine with some cheese 🧀 . This is exhausting!!

Tata for now.

As always more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 5/5/22

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday celebrated in parts of Mexico and the United States in honor of a military victory in 1862 over the French forces of Napoleon III. After two year hiatus events are back on here in good ole SAT. I’m still laying low and will not participate this year as I have not participated every other year … hiatus or not. I’m sounding pretty curmudgeonly. Because I am but not for why you may think.

Right now I am focused on finding out what the hay-de-hi-de-ho is going on with our property taxes. After hours and online of course not during peak business hours when I myself am working. They still have face to face protest by appointment only. They figured out you could get more done faster online. Out with the old and in with the new.

I’ve been blogging about my saga since 2017 but for some reason in 2021 I skipped my usual post tirade which meant I had to dig into my actual records to piece together what happened. My memory was fuzzy, surely I protested! Thank goodness I have a paper file because the online version is messed up. I submitted my protest 4/10/21 and they agreed without any fanfare or evidence. Online shows N/A for all the values in 2022 but the roll history has us 20K higher in 2021 than the “negotiated” agreed upon amount. At least we paid taxes on the lower amount.

I called and was given an option for a hold my place in line call back which the recording said would take approximately 1 hour and 42 minutes. Sure enough, that’s what happened almost to the exact minute. The clerk told me that despite a big ole banner across the website saying 5/16/22 is the last day to protest, all of us N/As will have 30 days from the date our statement is generated. So I sit here waiting with bated breath (whatever the hell that means) checking daily (when I remember) because the 30 day clock starts when the statement is generated not when we get it.

I already predict that I will have to fight these mofo’s. Haha. I’m prepping for battle as usual. Things I know, they cannot raise us more than 10% a year. I have already calculated the 10%. Anything above that will cause me to lose my ever lovin mind. And this whole when your selling you want the value up but when your not selling you want the value down is not the case with us. We want fair. How hard is that? The value is what the value is by a tried, true, consistent methodology. I often wonder about the folks who don’t protest. Values must go up, up, and away. Subsidizing perhaps the remainder. Ugh!

And with that, I am FIN. For now. I may report back a final outcome or I may just forget.

Regardless, as always, more of something is to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/21/22

Time is doing it’s trippy deal. I was supposed to have the venogram today but instead, I’m seeking a 2nd opinion. Have I made another appointment yet? Nope because too much is going on and time is slipping through my fingers like sand. So much to do and only so many hours in the day. Ugh! Bane of my existence and/or story of my life. I used to make and work my ‘to-do’ list like a champ but lately I’m too scattered and anxious for that.

Anyway, I’ve reduced some worries into bite size pieces to manage better. And I’ve made some decisions that I can live with that removed pressure … not having the venogram done before I get another opinion for one thing and getting back into therapy for another. I’m a mess y’all. I need and will take all the help I can get.

Ta-ta for now. Have a wonderful Thursday folks! Only A to Z for me tomorrow. Aaaahhhh sliding into the weekend. Now that’s the stuff.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 4/14/22

I’m still walking in the mornings but it was cooler than expected today so before I even stepped off the porch, I thought good excuse to cut this short. But I forced myself, nudged myself really, ever so gently. Helped me clear my head of all the dread.

I’m really second guessing my decision to be a human guinea pig. The venogram itself isn’t what’s holding me back but instead the PA actions and curt only minutes long assessment by the doctor. I keep hearing him say “Now why are you here?” There was eye rolling (real or imagined). But most off-putting was when the PA took not one but two phone calls while he was assessing me. Pretty sure it is him or a tech instead of the doctor running my venogram. I hope it’s a tech I never met.

Oh and I almost forgot, the wrong info I was given from PA telling me minor, 20-30 minutes, you can drive yourself to the nurse get here at 6 am, it’ll be 3 hours, and prepare to be sedated. Meanwhile I hurt. I’m doing this to rule out something instead of ruling in. As long as I’ve been seeking treatment for this, I’m to a point where ruling out isn’t helping. Ruling out ISN’T answering. I want answers dammit.

Anywho, in the spirit of not wanting to crush my better mood, I’ll stop now. Going to get in some afternoon walk time. Aaaaahhhhh, now that’s the stuff.

As always, more to come.