I’m better today thanks to time which heals all wounds. Well time and a little Cognitive Behavior Therapy a.k.a. CBT. I feel the need to confess yet again. So I am. And I realize that I was wrong. I know, I know you’re all surprised 😳 How can J-Dub be wrong? J-Dub is never wrong. J-Dub has her shit together and she knows it all. She is the proverbial definition of badassery. Have you learned nothing from reading her blog?!? And this talking in 3rd person when I am talking about me must stop. Lol.
If you forgot, I caused the hole in the ozone. I am always wrong/guilty/less than (insert any other demeaning adjective of your choice). And when I write what I said you’ll see how something is missing in me. It’s like biting on tinfoil.
Me: if I had it to do all over again, after everything that I’ve read about weaning off the SSRI, I would’ve never agreed to let her take a single pill. Even if it meant she died.
(That’s the tinfoil part. Could I possible mean that? NO! Or was saying “even if she died” part of the guilt I feel over making the choice for her that somehow in hindsight may have been wrong? YES! I feel guilty, oh SO guilty)
Reply: I’m a firm believer in medication as long as it keeps you alive. And that’s what it did for her. She needed it at the time and might still need it now.
Me: I’ve read some pretty scary stuff about detox. Well, not detox exactly, one cannot be addicted (or so they say), just dependent. Tapering is the term, I learned some pretty scary stuff about tapering.
Reply: Stop reading then. You are not getting the full picture anyway. She should consult a doctor. In my profession, we see where statistics can sometimes be manipulated to make a point. Likely other studies on larger groups would rub out some of what you are seeing that scares you. A doctor will have monitored actual cases. Might not be as grim as you imagine.
Me: I get it, happens in my field too. But about the medication, I really do not think the meds ever helped her. Forget the studies, I am talking about her.
Reply: She was suicidal, she cut herself. She has not been/done that in a very long time. You and Billy Bob did the right thing at the time. You need to believe that you did.
Oh how easy I forget. The swirl of thoughts and raw emotions at the time. Was she serious when she said she had a plan? Did she mean everything she said? Or was that a way to get someone to listen? To get attention? Absolutely the wrong thing to say … I know that now. Suicidal ideation is NOT a grab for attention for fucks’ sake. Was an overnight stay in the psyche ward for kids just a figment of my imagination? It’s like I am in a deep denial. At the time I guess I wanted answers so badly that the medicine HAD to work, so it did. The side effects are awful though (or self-fulfilling prophecy because we read what might happen therefore those side effects happened)? Either way, she is in this quandary of whether or not it’s time to quit.
Now as an adult, I have no say in any of this. I need to just shut the fuck up. Stand on the sidelines and be her cheerleader. To support her, no matter what. To quit assuming the worst and making my issues her issues. Much of this I have imagined, embellished, whatever you want to say. I know I do that. I am after all Queen, Drama. That is my coping mechanism. The need to turn everything into worst case scenario so when bad sH!t happens as it will, I can deal with what finally does occur because that is never EVER as bad as what I imagine in the first place. Boy, my mind is twisted.
I also learned in this session that I am not alone. I take the weight of the world on my shoulders and I do not have to. After the session, I asked Billy Bob for help. Guess what? He is helping. For my part, I am working on seeing the goodness in situations, not only what is bad. I’m sure I will slip back into comfortable dark behavoirs but I will try not to impose my beliefs onto my kid. She deserves a fighting chance.
That and so much more than I can give her. And she is TOUGH AS NAILS. I need to quit thinking of her as fragile and weak; someone who is one step away from the edge. I am giving her credit that she is due. It takes WONDER WOMAN strength to deal.
Not everyone sees it that way. You see, stigma is attached to mental health issues. Unfortunately, that’s the world we live in. Despite finding many kindred spirits on WordPress, there are still those who judge. Despite Lady Gaga and Prince William speaking out for the cause, there are still those who will never understand.
That’s why we live secret lives in plain sight. And this is HER story to tell, should she choose. Not mine. So you ask, then why are you writing this? You say, just go back to your secret life. Nope! That I cannot do because Silence = Shame, Shame = Stigma. Time to blow the lid off this sH!t. I’ve only given you my side of the issue anyway. Big gaps are left out namely her perspective. I am sharing because if at least one person reads this and it helps, then it’s worth it. Let’s not pretend any longer shall we?
Yet I am not that brave really. You get I fancy myself a would be author. As I wrote in the About Me section of this blog, my works are fictional, or not … Believe if you will that all THIS is fictional, for my sake. Smoke and mirrors, just a figment of J-Dub’s warped mind. Maybe I am the one looking for attention? Do NOT EVER judge my kid!!!!!
As always, more to come.