Ram 🐏 bling 💍 ~ 6/25/22

My sleuth

Lulu and I had a really nice walk this morning. Instead of river level, we walked street level. I reminisced about the years I worked downtown. Surprisingly I remembered all the shortcuts. We made good time and hit 5 miles @ 8:30 🕣.

Afterwards we made a quick stop at Target 🎯 so Lulu could grab a few things for her upcoming coast trip. As I walked more laps because I’m competitive with myself that way, I saw a journal 📓 and wouldn’t you know it, the cover says “Grin and Bear 🐻 It”. Hey that’s my theme which means despite not needing a journal, I bought this one anyway. I’m going to use it to aggregate some things, keeping to a single related topic.

I’m like a kid in a candy 🍬 store 🏬 who needs a nap 😴 😂. I’m sleeping somewhat better. Thankfully 😅. But getting up at the b’crack of dawn has its after effects.

Wishing you a sensational Saturday.

As always more to come.

Friday 🐏 blings ~ 6/17/22

Coming at ya live from my iPhone. Notice the sweet lil ram 🐏 emoji is back. I’m off the charts folks. So much has happened I’m over stimulated. I feel like I might burst 💥. I’m a writing ✍️ fool. Alias Twitter is my friend. People who understand like only those of us in a certain club can understand has been therapeutic to say the least. I hop off Twitter to FB to WP to emails, texts but I have a day job I must work too. All this activity would be fine if I wasn’t such an over analyzer, things might be manageable. But nope, analysis paralysis drags the whole thing out. Somebody stop ✋ me said in my Jim Carrey from The Mask voice over voice. I wish I’d kept that meme but I deleted it to make room. Oh well.

I’m going to reveal soon. I’m not worried 😟 about getting in trouble 👿 any longer because I was making stuff up ⬆️. In the absence of evidence, that’s what we humans do. We fill in blanks. I’m relieved 🥲 to know I was 1/2 right with my suspicions or educated guesses. And the parts about my situation that was spinning 😵‍💫 me up and pissing me off wasn’t too bad in hindsight. Still I’m proceeding with caution ⛔️I’m going to slow down and be methodical. Shocker I know. Guess that “Goes to show you never 👎 can tell.”

Now for a musical 🎶 interlude.

As always more to come.

Friday Ramble ~ 6/10/22

I’m writing this post in advance for two reasons. First because Lulu and I are going to Immersive Van Gogh today, Friday 6/10/22 and I won’t have time to write. Second because I have to post something everyday to keep my streak alive. Haha! Still a carrot and stick kinda gal.

My appointment hasn’t happened yet and I’m still shaking in my shoes. Ugh! To calm my nerves, I ate a peanut butter sandwich. The appointment is telemed with no labs so no need to fast. As I was spreading the peanut butter, I made crumbs everywhere. I was reminded of summers past when as kids we were yo-yo (your on your own) for lunch. There is comfort in tradition. I was tempted to leave the crumbs for mom to come behind & scold me for leaving a mess. Only now it’d be Lulu scolding me. She’s the neat-nik. She was only 5 weeks old when my mom died. I think they would have gotten along just fine.

I’m thinking a lot lately about family and what makes a family and what we call each other and whether nurture holds sway over nature or vice versa. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Hey, that is a misplaced causality dilemma if I ever saw one.

I’m feeling ALL the feels y’all. Have been since Sunday 6/5/22 at 4:11 CST to be exact. But in this moment, Thursday 6/9/22, I’ve gotta get ready to see my doctor. Until next time.

As always, more to come.

Get Real Series: Self Preservation ~ 6/3/22

Denial to save face. You can’t hurt 😞 me. I don’t give a fuck you bastard. All this when I truly care more deeply than I can even explain.

B warned me that I’d get hurt. He told me people suck. He said “Most don’t care Jill”. And me lil Pollyanna thought surely he’s got to care. Why wouldn’t he care? Why wouldn’t he do the right thing? We must have different definitions of “right”.

Silly thoughts invade my brain. Just writing this is libel. Defamation all over the news. And I sure as fuck didn’t follow that noise. Because I’m a hypocrite. Guess I’m like most people. The mofos who don’t care.

My statements are true and still fairly cryptic. I didn’t hire a lawyer for the first phase of this wild ride. Instead I went to the online legal library at UT. Got the template and wrote up my own petition for cause. And I won 🙌 my petition! But the information was limited. I guess I need an attorney after all to help me get the rest of what’s mine. And I’m not talking about material stuff. I want data as it relates to me!

For now this much I know for sure. Package was picked up 1:36 pm on May 31, 2022. No more denial for either of us.

Oh who am I kidding? Denial is my safety net. I’m already making excuses for him and for why the package has not yet been acknowledged. Trying to shelter myself from the cruel and unusual punishment.

As always more to come.

Friday Feature ~ 5/20/22

This evening we’re scheduled to get our 4th booster. Not sure about it but figured wtf. We’re over 50. Not sure what else we need to consider. Chop chop!!

Hoping for no whammies. I had minor reactions to 1 and 3 with #2 knocking me for a loop. I’ve delayed as long as I could. Of course no one is holding a gun to my head. I could still say ‘no’. If it were up to B, we would’ve been in line on the day #4 became available. He kept pestering me to make the appointment so I finally did.

Yesterday sort of sucked for reasons that don’t impact me directly but are troubling all the same. Another sudden death of a coworker. Then my mother in law is back in the hospital. She and my father in law are tag teaming their time there.

B was supposed to take her to a routine follow up with her kidney doctor then swing by the bank for administrative reasons. Instead the appointment turned into she needs to be admitted. Like Yesterday! Another reaction to medicine or dehydration or both.

We all know why she’s dehydrated. She only drinks her “bubbly”. A hard case. Sad but true. And why am I airing our dirty laundry to the world? The silence howled. Yep, my one liner from May 18.

Keeping these churning thoughts inside is giving me an ulcer or worse. And this little bit is only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve already filled three pages in my new spiral. CBT is helping.

May is mental health month. Truth be told we need mental health as everyday all day living. Focus 🧘‍♀️ ohm ohm ohm. We’re all unique and whatever works for you do it!

Alrighty. Lemme let ya go. Going to turn this frown upside down.

As always more to come.

Friday Feature ~ 5/13/22

Time is doing it’s slippery wiggle again. Yay! I’m still working from home. My in-laws are still on death’s 💀 door. Sorry to be blunt but it’s true. Yet maybe we’re all on death’s 💀 door. We’re all just a second from pow 💥.

My former coworker’s mom and her aunt were killed in a car wreck going to a funeral. They woke up that morning like usual and went to grieve their family member never to return. Neither was in poor health. Completely unexpected. Such a tragedy.

You think 🤔 this knowledge would snap 🫰 me into shape. Make me realize how precious life is and oh it is! I haven’t forgotten that. I’m just out of sorts.

Thank goodness I have therapy today. Getting more tools ⚒️ in my emotional 🥹 health toolbox 🧰. With May being mental health month, having the discussion is apropos.

Even our chief told us yesterday that he was going to visit his mom for the first time in years. She’s out of state in assisted living with mental health issues. Yep. He said that. Right up there on the big stage being broadcast to the masses. End the stigma. It’s about time.

Alrighty. Lemme let ya go 🙃. As always more to come.

Friday Feature ~ 5/6/22

Here is how my week pans out in the blogging arena for the most part. Sunday is #SLS, Monday is Haiku with Ronovan, Tuesday is Share Your World, Wednesday is #1linerWeds. Thursday is Thoughts, Friday ???, and Saturday is #SoCS. Annual challenges include #JusJoJan (if it continues) and Blogging from A to Z in April.

When I started back in July of 2016, I wrote whatever, whenever, and was quite a bit more prolific. Then I started to joins challenges and began to pace myself. The last two or so years have followed the pattern above. What’s missing is a Friday Feature. I’d like to come up with a theme. I was going to do an entertainment – musical … Friday Tunes but I could never really get that off the ground. So, without further ado, I’m testing out a Friday Feature. No rules, let loose, whatever comes to my crazy like a fox mind. Probably will be very similar to Thursday Thoughts.

Today’s Friday Feature is family related. March 20, 2022, B’s cousin (one month older, gone way too soon) passed away. He had battled and beaten cancer in his 20s, only for it to return later. The recurrence was as stage 4 lung cancer though a heart attack was his ultimate demise.

We knew him as Little Johnny (dad was Bad John, another uncle was just Johnny). They grew up together. Got along well in a big happy rough and tumble family. They went to highschool together but different elementary/middle/jr high schools since the district is large enough to have several K-8 schools. After their graduation, they both went their separate ways. Nothing happened to cause a fall out, just different interests and life getting in the way. Our first few years of marriage and up until Grandma passed away, we’d see each other a handful of times a year.

There was a memorial service a few weekends back. B’s parents aren’t well enough to attend but they wanted B to go to represent their arm of the family. Sadly he refused. Instead he worked that weekend for the first time in forever. As his own boss, he didn’t have to work but I guess we all deal in our own way.

Last Sunday, we read a lovely tribute email/eulogy written by cousins (his sister and brother) that PoPo had printed for MoMo to also read which got me thinking. All those prior get togethers came flooding back to my memory. Both the laughter and the tears. If only, …. If only, we had stayed a little longer. If only, we had continued seeing each other even after Grandma died. Maybe then we’d be more involved in sharing the grief that comes from losing a loved one.

Today, I take this moment to pay our respects albeit belatedly.

Eternal rest grant unto them, O Lord,
and let perpetual light shine upon them.
May the souls of all the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
~Amen~

Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine.
Et lux perpetua luceat eis.
Fidelium animae, per misericordiam Dei,
requiescant in pace.
~Amen~

As always, more to come.

Who Let the Dogs Out? ~ 4/11/22

Releasing the hounds … yet again. In no particular order but all medical related. Stop now if med stuff is TMI. Voyers welcome. I’m a nut.

You might remember my CT that was denied, then approved, then completed on 3/25/22 turned out to cost $592 out of pocket. My early ciphering was off making the no insurance cost of $790 more than for those with insurance. Still a scam with the un/underinsured bearing the brunt of the house of cards that is health insurance.

The CT found a lil something insignificant … a dilated vein which is why PCP referred me to a vascular surgeon. I had that appointment on 4/7/22. And reflected on it yesterday. Oh and my hernia is still there even if not remarked upon in this CT. I was told they just don’t go away. Small hernias show on almost any CT but there’s nothing to do for them unless, they get big. If the hernia is bad enough my stomach would be displaced but it isn’t. Do I believe them? No because my tummy hurts dammit. Equally renal cysts can cause no pain but there they are … a whole colony. Yep I’m making stuff up = MSU. Who knows if cysts form colonies? Sound good though don’t it?

Well the vein place called me back because they want my money. Doh! Because they want to help me. Do you have a driver? Uh ya. B said just do it, so I’m having the test done. Worried about yet another set of x-rays via the venogram and an IV that my one good vein may not take. But per the surgeon, this test is the only way to rule out pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS). Every CT for the last 5 years mentions it. Guess ruling out PCS is a good thing.

I called Aetna. Will you cover this? They look and tell me nothing was submitted yet. Then she went on a diatribe that anything more than ultrasound or basic x-ray needs pre-auth and yes it will be expensive if they sedate me. I wanna be sedated (ear worm). I don’t really wanna be sedated but oh well what the hell. I half snark tell her in 12 years, my CTs were never pre-auth until 2022 but I’ll play your game and call the vein place back.

Spoke to vein place. They got me on the schedule as of our earlier phone call. Two others ahead of me based on time submitted but she would start working to get the insurance part done for me after since first in first out. I told her about the pre-auth. She scoffed and agreed to call me back with a status. Which she did about 45 minutes later.

Sure enough, as I suspected, this venogram passed with flying fucking colors. NO pre auth NEEDED. Here when I maybe want insurance to say really? A minimally invasive procedure to rule out what you know is highly unlikely? But nope, right through the pipeline. So much for anything more than ultrasound or basic x-ray require a pre-auth. Instead the nonsense I had with the prior CT denial was the random, we deny every 10 or so to save the company money. And whether true or not, I do not know. This rant is purely my opinion.

Ugh! Analysis paralysis. I don’t wanna but I’m gonna. I hope the awful phone answering during my exam PA is not who runs my test. But my luck, well ya never know.

As always, more to come.

I Gotta Ramble ~ 4/3/22

• My mother in law MoMo isn’t doing too good. She is going through her stuff to give away. That’s actually good, better to give while alive than inherit is my motto. Maybe I Like that because that is what my Mamaw did. But yesterday she told us that she picked out the pictures for us to display at her funeral which she hopes comes quickly.
• My father in law PoPo is back home from rehab after an inflection did a number of him causing him to lose the ability/strength to get around. His using a walker and still has a catheter but he’s healthy so the doctors say. Better off than MoMo. And when I saw him yesterday and talked to him again today, I can tell just by his voice that he’s doing a-okay.
• B’s cousin Johnny Holt Hurst died March 20, 2022. I didn’t write about it then and won’t say much now other than #cancersucks. When little Johnny (His dad had the same name) was in his 20s, he had Non-Hodgkins lymphoma. He survived many years, enough to be considered cured before a recurrence in 2015. The doctors think the chemo from his recurrence may have caused his lung cancer which was stage 4 when finally diagnosed late last year. Mother fuckers want to blame him for not going to any follow-ups after the 2015 scare. They would’ve found the lung cancer sooner or so they think. For reasons not known to us, his funeral won’t be until May. It’s not due to Covid either, it may just be not having enough money. Overall the whole thing makes me sad.
• There is a wild hog rooting around our front yard. You cannot make this stuff up I tell ya what. On a Monday morning a few weeks back I was going to the dentist and as I was turned to the front door locking up I heard all variety of snorts and grunts. I turned and saw him, big ole boar with tusks. He ran off before I could snap a picture. I was stunned but I went to my appointment anyway. I assumed he was lost and wouldn’t be back. But nope, we have signs mister wild hog is visiting us nightly. He particularly likes our new lime tree. B went to look for a hog trap today but tractor supply had one that wasn’t strong enough. No idea what we’ll do next.
• We planted assorted wildflowers last year and only a few bluebonnets came back up. We noticed it for the first time this Friday. Lulu got some micro photos. I love that. Brightness amongst the other nonsense.

I could go on but I feel better just getting this lil bit off my chest. I have errands to run and time is not waiting. Off I go. See if marking some things off the continual to-do list improves things for me emotionally.

As always, more to come.

The Results Are In ~ 3/28/22

Ugh! I was given my CT scan results with a comparison to 2017, 2019, and 2021 scans. I don’t understand how things disappeared. Cysts yes, they can come and go but hernias and deteriorated discs that are crumbling? Those don’t heal themselves. Do they?

I was left with one concern which requires a referral to a vascular surgeon. With a very clear reinforcement that this isn’t urgent. It does NOT automatically mean I need surgery only that a consultation is in order for further diagnosis.

This condition supposedly left behind is called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (PCS). Past scans have shown this before but I was told PCS doesn’t cause the pain I’m describing. Plus PCS is a younger lady’s ailment. Also, it’s rare even if those under 40. I’m not that unique. The description of who gets this doesn’t truly fit me.

The final difference is that PCS gets worse when standing and better to lie down. Mine is the opposite. Standing stretches me out to release the heavy feeling. When I lie down, I feel somewhat better than I do sitting but no real relief. Constant pain I tell ya! C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T !!!!!

I’ll play this game, I’ll see your $1 and raise you $2. I’m going to the consult. See what this new doctor tells me. I hope my dilated vein doesn’t rupture before I can get in. Too close to what happened to my brother-in-law D. Oy Vey.

I also need to find a new PCP and begin again. No looking at past records for jaded opinions. Like I have amnesia, I can’t remember. Let the games begin all over again.

As always, more to come.

P.S. the real kicker is when I called to schedule the consultation, they found me in the system from 2005-ish. They had my landline which is how I could determine the time frame. We moved here in January of 2000. Changed the phone number to the one they had. Didn’t cancel that landline until we’d been here about 4-5 years. I have zero recollection of getting a vascular consult before now. She was unable to provide more details for me to sleuth around & figure out what happened. Guess I flaked out completely. Oh well, better late than never.

Ta-ta for now 🙂