A Ramble and A Confession

I have been having quite the week. I laugh to power through but there are times that laughter does not work. Like now. I think I have gone off the deep end.

Okay, I can hear you …

Well not really because this is virtual yet real as opposed to fake rambling. I imagine you’re thinking what’s new?!?! She’s neurotic. I am and I own it.

Okay to I have these physical symptoms that have become impossible to ignore. I had a tele-med appointment on 8/17 and on 8/18 I had labs and now I sit waiting. Scared to find out what the eating habits of the home bound have done to me. Weigh-wise I am good, maintaining but I have known forever that you can be a thin unwell person.

The Sunday before my Monday appointment I was surfing the net and taking surveys. I got two calls this week to follow-up on my responses with offers to assess my health. Despite having my doctor’s appointment, I thought what the hell why not????

The first place was something called Wellness Hormone Center WHC. For the low, low price of $3,000, I get labs, B12 injections, and hormone pellets injected into my backside. The crazy part is I am actually considering this insanity. Because I hurt and I am tired of hurting. And taking pain meds would put me on the path to addiction. Of that I am certain.

The second place was called the Pinnacle. They are a research group trying to diagnose fatty liver. This place does something like a sonogram and labs. If I do not have fatty liver, they cut me loose but if I do, then they try different treatments on me. Uh ya, wait! Why? Cuz I know … that you know … that I know … that I am not going to consent to treatment by these quacks. Are they “real” as opposed to fake doctors????

B keeps asking me what kind of places these are and am I sure? I have no idea to either. My guess is they are pseudo scientists trying to help people OR they are con men and women. And I am always unsure. All of this scares the bejesus out of me but like I said I am tired of hurting.

I’m fairly certain I will not participate in the I pay 3K for hormone and B12 injections. I’m too much of a cheapskate. Re: fatty liver, does me no good to find out I have a fatty liver. Ignorance is bliss. I won’t take the treatments anyway even if I qualify. I can’t un-ring the bell as they say.

I’ll report back if I take a leap of faith right off the ever loving bridge.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Hodge Podge

Hey folks.  I feel the need to ramble a bit.  One good thing that has come from the Rona is my continued good attitude.  Mind you it is not constant because that is not humanly possible but more often than not, I can shake it off.  Like water off a duck’s back baby.

I used to hate that expression.  Was used in my limited sports career.  Ball in the face … shake it off.  Kicked in shin … shake it off.  Well you effing shake it off would ya?  Maybe we, the humans, should power through the pain.  Embrace what hurts and not shake it off.  Reminiscent of  fake it until you make it.  Wait! No faking aloud.  Feel the pain and experience growth.

What is she blabbering on about?  Even she has no idea.  Some stuff happened this week that gives me serious perspective.  This is not a reflection, this is my Hodge Podge as I think of it list:

  • I just learned a co-owner has a 13 month old who has been in the hospital 9 months out of her short little life.  Mamma has been working remotely from a hospital waiting room.  Perspective.
  • Family friend’s brother wasn’t feeling well.  They ran a blood test last week.  Monday he found out he has liver, stomach, and brain cancer.  Another relative of theirs just passed away from stomach cancer this year.  Perspective.
  • WD nursing home where my disabled brother GP lives has the first cases of Rona.  He doesn’t have it but building 400, where they kept that covid-bitch out of since March finally has four people.  I am told he is not one of them and all patients are no longer allowed to leave their rooms. Perspective.

Me after hearing the above:  Well that’s not a problem right?  I mean I was told that he’ll never walk again.

Nurse:  Oh no honey, he figured out how to maneuver his wheel chair.  In fact, we’re having a hard time keeping him in his room.  He wheels on out to the nurses station several times a day.

Me: no words but felt a giggle bubbling up.  That scoundrel.  He is managing to survive despite what those horrible people did to him.  I have never written about his captivity except in innuendo.  I may have a short story in me one day.

Happy Thursday!!!  Only two more days to #free48.  Make your day the best day ever 🙂

As always, more to come.

Friday Fun-day! 7/3/20

Alexander Hamilton!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yaaassss.  By the time you read this post I will have seen the #Hamilfilm at least once.  No I’m not setting an alarm to wake up at 3 am ET but I will watch it before 7 am CT right after our walk which we’ve been doing for five weeks now.  Squirrel!  I keep asking Lulu what week are we on?  Four or five?  She confirms we complete five on Saturday.  We’ve fallen into a rhythm.  Good stuff.

Back to #Hamilfilm, I’m super excited.  I saw the show live at the Majestic in May of 2019.  The touring cast did them proud.  Still there is something extra special  about seeing the originals. Swoon.  I am diverting my attention from all that is wrong right now and diving in deep to the escapism that is musical theater.  I hope we don’t break the Internet.  Of course  I’ll report back if we do.  If I can that is … cuz ya know … a broken Internet would end the world as we know it.

Hope your day is a Friday Fun-day too!!!!!

Stay safe out there.

As always, more to come.

Ramblings on My Day Off

I had to take time off since I am reaching the limit.  I made an unscheduled grocery order for pick up mid day since I was free.  Then Walmart cancelled that order.  I was all what the what!  Seriously Meredith Grey?  Yes … seriously.

We’re regular customers.  Pre and post Rona.  The curbside was a new thing for us though.  We swore we’d never get that lazy but then going into the store became too dicey.  Out of the gate we were impressed.  The phone knows when you arrive.  Someone is out to load the groceries almost instantaneously.  We even got a gift the first time.  Snacks!!!    On Mother’s Day I got a rose.  On Father’s Day B got a sample size deodorant.  We became spoiled.

Then two weeks ago, the time to check in alert never came.  We went to pick up anyway.  After parking I checked my phone.  En route we got an email of a delay.  Which is fine except the notice came 5 minutes before the allotted time.  Last Sunday same thing.   They were delayed.  Then today a complete cancel.  Must be too much to handle with the spike in cases.  I have to imagine people are calling out and turnover is high.  We have $20 discount for next time so there is that.

I get this is small potatoes.  Teeny tiny.  We’ll get by.  The only reason we even had an order was HEB shorted us.  Despite ordering 1 to 1.25 lbs cube steak, we got .24 lbs for four people.  Not gonna cut it even though we are scaling back on portion sizes.

Again, small potatoes considering we’ve not been hungry a day in our lives  Never ever.  Not truly hungry.  Ya see “America has been very very good to me”.    I believe it was Eddie Murphy who said that in the movie “Coming to America”.  All I know is that I heard it somewhere.

Sad day in the Dub household.  On July 2, 2006 my brother in law passed away.  In quite a tragic manner.  B’s baby brother and only sibling.  Not a day goes by that B doesn’t think of him.  He’s stoic and says little but it’s palpable.

I wrote this three years ago.  Still fits.  In Memoriam – DGW

As always, more to come.

Anniversary and Not the Happy Kind

On June 11 of 2017, a high school acquaintance passed away.

I came upon this draft when I was sprucing up the place the other day. I could’ve deleted it but instead decided to share. Part of what follows was publicly posted in 2017, (the family actually encouraged folks to share to end the stigma), but I withheld my thoughts due to my associate status. Now the time seems right somehow. With all the recent craziness, let’s bring light.

She was two years ahead of me in school. We were on the dance team together. Our positions were 2nd and 3rd at the end of the line, left side. Beyond practices and performances, we didn’t socialize. Though she was very close to my dear friend’s sister. L and I looked up to those girls.

Coincidentally after she graduated from college, we worked for the same company. Her husband was a co-worker of mine at our Riverwalk office. Had it not been for that second coincidence of meeting him, I’d have never known what became of her.

Not many knew what was going on “behind the scenes”. She was tormented though. Tragic really. Genetically so as her younger brother met a similar fate. I can’t even imagine how their parents and remaining sibling must feel.

I’m rambling I know. Not sure if the backstory even matters. What matters is that their loss is among countless of other tragedies in this dire yet beautiful world. What I am searching for and why I write is to gain perspective. To realize for better or worse, the human condition connects us all. We are NOT alone!

Here’s an excerpt of the FB post written by her oldest daughter, shared by her son-in-law. What mettle those youngsters showed in sharing grief:

Nothing can prepare one for the loss of a parent, even when they are battling a cruel disease like alcoholism. We ask that those wishing to honor her memory contribute to a GoFundMe we’ve set up. We will be making a donation on her behalf to the National Institute for Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA).

Mom, may you remain in peace with our love for you a constant reminder of who you really are and who you shall be remembered as: like the rest of us, a flawed human being, an imperfect wife, but still the only mother we ever would have wanted. We love you and we will miss you.

I’ll close with a South Park quote a friend shared today that has hit home unlike anything else thus far: “Well yeah, I’m sad, but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It’s like, it makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt somethin’ really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good, so I guess what I’m feelin’ is like, a beautiful sadness.”

Pass the tissues for the happy tears. May she Rest in Peace.

Random Stuff

I have a new doctor!  Yay!!  In time of COVID after being kicked to the curb, I had to wait a bit but the time has come.  The practice sent a letter saying all former patients of (Dr. $$$$ is more important than you), call us.  My appointment isn’t until August only a month behind where I would’ve been seen.  With enough meds to carry me over, I’m feeling fine.  Relieved.  Grateful.

Maybe now I can get relief?  As I sit here with my heating pad for what feels like forever.  Doh!!!

I also hit 2000 healthy points which means Alpha level baby.  Earned 5% off my health insurance premiums.  I can keep going to 3000 points and win a water bottle.  That’s the bonus prize this year.  Not meaning to sound ungrateful (see above) but I don’t need another water bottle.  As it is, glasses fall out of my cabinet when I open the door.  We’ve reached our quota on water bottles and  other assorted drinkware (is that such a thing?).  Besides, they’ll never beat the back pack of 2019.

I’ll keep playing and collecting points.  I won’t have to order but will have the option.  I could always get it and re-gift it.  Pay it forward.  We shall see.

As always, more to come.

Random Thoughts Turned Into Rambling

Larry McMurtry who is Mr. Cowboy as in “Lonesome Dove Series” also wrote “Terms of Endearment” as part of his Houston series. Who knew he could so seamlessly cross genres?? Or maybe he did not make such a stretch since astronauts are like cowboys in some ways. Space cowboys … get it? Ha! Wacky mind. I slay me.

Any Hoo. Did y’all see Space X Falcon 9? I did and thought the launch was beyond super cool. The Crew Dragon was en route. <Gasp>

Lift Off

I would never ever even if you paid me take a trip to Mars but the idea that future generations may travel to another planet is comforting in a surrealistic scary sort of way. Space the final frontier!!! To go where no one has gone before!!

Back to Larry. And “Terms of Endearment”. I channel my best Shirley where Lulu is concerned.

GIVE MY DAUGHTER THE SHOT!!!!!!

We had a come to Jesus talk without yelling or screaming, only quiet tears. We opened up room for dialog that had been repressed. I, for one felt good afterwards. Her? Well, she might be like sweet little Teddy. And for that my heart breaks again.

So maybe I don’t feel good? We are entering uncharted territory. I don’t want to mess this up.

Wish us luck!

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings 5/17/20

I’ve been going through some stuff.  We all have.  I’m not sleeping, or exercising, or doing any of the things that help me.  I’m feeling guilty that my stuff is small potatoes.  Which perhaps it is but saying so diminishes my feelings.  Still channeling my inner therapist (name withheld for confidentiality reasons hers not mine), there is no contest for whose pain is the worst.  I have the right to say things suck when they suck.  I have the right to do so without discounting my feelings.  That learned coping mechanism was anything but helpful (well on that she and I still disagree).  Thinking it could be worse somehow saved me.

I’m heartbroken for the classes of 2020.  Both high school and college.  They’ve been robbed.  Unfair life goes and does it again but this time the playing field is leveled.  This disappointment is a universal blast where no one is unscathed.  And my mind goes back to the less degree of severity that I and my family have felt and again the guilt is resurrected.  Rearing its’ ugly motherfucking head.

So, … I took matters into my own hands.  I got my ass up off the couch and out the door.  I turned off the step counter (or tried to, I think it is automatic) because it is not about motherfucking steps.  One step is enough.  This one action to go outside and walk it off is enough!

I had my gig for the snakes I might encounter.  I had my mask in case another Fed Ex driver graced my presence.   I had my Orange Crush cap, borrowed from my Lulu because I wanted to CRUSH it!!! while not getting sunburned.  I had my phone and WP app tuned to #SLS.  I walked as the music eased my mind.  I lost track of time.  I took things slow, lived in the moment, and stopped in the shade when I had to go back to the list of pingbacks and move to the next tune.

On a semi-related side note, I have always wondered why some people feel the need to laugh at mean things.   Now I have a pretty dark sense of humor truth be told.  And I am sarcastic as fuck but when it comes to jokes that demean I’m not down for that.  Makes me wanna punch a face.  And in this altered state, I can dream can’t I? POW right in the kisser.

Until next time which will hopefully be happier, use your rights and the responsibility that goes along with them.  Take all the necessary precautions.  Wear a damn mask.  Social distance.  Or stay at home.  Simple, respectful.  Otherwise you reek of privilege.  Sometimes doing the right thing is doing what’s hard.  

As always, more to come.

Sunday 🐏blings ~ 5/10/20

I love that little ram.  Puts a smile on my face every time I see him.  Despite my ramblings sometimes taking a dark turn, silver linings are everywhere.  I’ve come to believe life has no absolutes.  Instead we get multiple shades of gray interspersed with beautiful colors.  We get half truths, what ifs, no control.  You get the drift.

To deal with effing COVID, I took to pen and paper writing in a journal again.  Like I’m back in junior high/high school.  Before Internet was a thing.  I always kept a place for my secrets.  With the advent of Facebook for me anyway, then this blog, then Twitter and Insta, my secrets are no longer my own.    I have released those devilish hounds on many an occasion.  Times like today I think I am all better now.  But who am I kidding?  Better like perfection is overrated somehow.

I don’t like secrets.  Nothing good can come from them.  A debate maybe for another day but that’s my story and I am sticking to it. For that reason, I’m pulling two 1/2 pages from my longhand writing:

Behind the blinking cursor, I read I know it’s late but …

Those damn ellipsis – three dots of omission that do anything but …

The instant message (IM) came through after six on Friday while I tried like hell to feverishly complete at least one mandatory training video.  I’m so behind …

Can I call you about the email you just sent?

Me: Sure 🙂

Yes I did add the smiley all the while thinking FUCK!!!!! Why didn’t I log out earlier?

The conversation lasted about 15 minutes.

First came the I’m sorry and the here’s why …

Then she said “all excuses aside”

While I was clarifying the email by providing additional instruction, Lulu Belle came up and simply hugged me.  No words.  A warm gentle embrace with an intensity.  She held on tight as I caved. So done …

Yet I was uplifted as well.

Lulu couldn’t hear the person at the end of the line but instinctively she knew …

Her own wounds gave her that skill.  Which saddens me and makes me proud.

After hanging up …

Lulu:  I hope you don’t mind; I felt compelled to hug you.  You sounded like you needed it!

Me: I DID!!!!!!!!

Tears still glistening in my eyes

Lulu: So did that person mess up?

Me: Well let’s just say she needed help … Did I sound mad?

Lulu:  You sounded kind … helpful.  Nicer than me.

Then she shared her stress of the last group project for her capstone.   Things have gone a bit sideways with people not showing up.  She feels bad that she’s upset.  She said “Mom I’m lucky.  You and dad gave me everything!  Thank you for that”. 

Now we are both a puddle of happy tears over here.

I stopped writing because I felt better.

Now I get to feel better all over again.

Wishing your worlds provide a safe place to land.

As always, more to come ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Sunday 🐏blings & #WDIIA ~ 4/5/20

Let’s keep in touch!

I learned an almost new word yesterday thanks to my pal Joey. She used the word covidiot in a comment back to me.  I say almost new word since covidiot is not yet part of Merriam Webster’s but it should be when this is all said and done.  Let’s define covidiot as someone ignoring the warnings/stay orders/shelter in place while hoarding toilet paper and/or food. 

We can start a new game like Jeff Foxworthy’s you must be a redneck!

You must be a covidiot if …

  • You’re still partying in person with extended family and friends.
  • You’re not wearing a mask when you go out in public.
  • You’re not staying at least six feet apart.
  • You’re wearing gloves to cross contaminate everything at HEB.
  • You’re bringing your kids to HEB.  Their management has asked nicely not to do that!
  • You’re not staying the hell home when you’re non essential.  I could give a rat’s ass if you’re bored.  We’re all fucking bored!!

Being non essential is okay.  We all draw our lot in life.  If you’re not essential.  Get over it!  I read if 90% had stayed put this would have ended in April.  At 70%, we could end this in May.  We’re at 50%.  Pitiful shame!!!

I wish I could still link the blog with FB.  I whined over there earlier today and got some much needed comfort.  We’re safe.  That’s the main thing.  This to shall pass and power to the people. Oh and six feet back muthafucker.

As always, more to come.

P.S. HEB is the local grocery chain in San Antonio Texas and surrounding cities.  They made the national news for their preparedness before and throughout this crisis.  Everyone loves HEB.  Like family even before this thing all started.