Friday Feels ~ 5/12/23

Howdy, I think I figured out why my consecutive days in a row count got off track. Somehow my Monday haiku went into local changes & when I re-posted two days later, it erased the original date, showing a lapse. My three day streak is Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday, making today #4.

Boo Hiss

It is #4 plus 1751 or something like that. My notifications do not go back far enough to see where I was on Sunday 5/7/23 but if I knew, I could manually track this sH!t because to me it matters. No it doesn’t! Or shouldn’t matter because ya know, so many other things are more important. But as Charles tells me often, “don’t do that to yourself Jill. What matters to you MATTERS!” I think I sometimes believe this & I’m making head way in my therapy.

On other matters, my trip to the motherland is fast approaching. Ugh, why didn’t I pick July or August?!? Such a significance with 6/5, that I had to be there on that day. I’ve made some decisions that can be unmade again but I’m going in to protect my fragile heart. I’m doing this for me which brings up once again, my current favorite quote.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest on reciprocity,

C.S. Lewis

I’m mailing records to my found family which might duplicate what I shared with just one sister all with no expectation for response. I had myself convinced that another non-response would end me but I’m tougher than that. Snail mail slows the pace & I will never know if the non-response is simply, he didn’t get the post or he got it & threw it away before opening, or he got it & read it but doesn’t care, or he cares but cannot respond for other reasons. So many possibilities that I can rationalize away any hurt feelings. It’s not personal, or at least that is what I will tell myself. But damn it is, cuts to my core. Which is why I continue on with therapy to get to acceptance.

I’ll end with my dream from last night. First backstory, since I booked the trip, I’ve had reoccurring dreams (3 so far) that I meet & their dogs growl at me & they say “well see, we knew she was bad, dogs can always tell”. In my awake life I believe that with my whole heart. Dogs are awesome creatures. Last night I dreamt we met & the dog was wagging his tail like crazy, runs up to me like Buddy & Spot do, licking my face. I woke up as I was petting this dog I will never meet. I felt light & happy & that feeling persists.

As always, more to come.

Almost Heaven ~ 5/7/23

I feel a novela coming on & lately those ramblings have gone on the blog. Today I’m staying local by way of WP. The ban was lifted so I will share to FB after all the silliness is complete. This post might even float over to Instagram if I did this right.

Today we got plates to go from the church picnic/annual fundraiser. We had a banner day, “smoke up Johnny!” Nod to my Breakfast Club roots. Some may not get that line and explaining it would take too long so moving on.

These would be the same folks who ask me why I named my lizard(s) Jim Morrison. Because I’m a weirdo who owns my strangeness. Jim was the Lizard King doncha know. I wanna break on through to the other side.

So many thoughts are popping like popcorn kernels in hot oil, the old school way, in a skillet with a lid. I really don’t know where to being. I’ve been bursting out in spontaneous song all day long. In particular, John Denver’s Take Me Home, Country Roads. Right there in the middle of the Auto Zone. Just know, I’m the most right when I’m the most wrong.

Pony “Is that song about Pennsylvania?”

Me “No, it’s about Colorado, Rocky Mountains”

Pony as he is looking it up on his phone “Naw pretty sure it’s about Pennsylvania”

Me “John DENVER man, definitely Colorado”

Pony singing to me in the middle of Auto Zone “Almost heaven, West Virginia”

Doh! The place is in the first line of the song. He sang to me & he has a good voice. That’s my momma’s side coming out. I have at least two cousins, maybe three who are also musically inclined. Pony told Lulu, one day you too will sing spontaneously, like me & mom.

I haven’t laughed this much in a very long time. The brain trust was cooking all day today. I learned zoomer slang. “Let her cook” and “No cap”. Google it. LOL.

As always, more to come.

I’ve Been Bamboozled ~ 4/5/23

Nobody told me I was walking around with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose flashing the world with some big ole white granny panties. LOL!

C’mon now y’all that’s funny. Can you picture the scene? It was 1980 something. Women had to wear skirts to work.

Well we didn’t really have to wear dresses or skirts anymore that was in the 70s. When I started in 1983, pants were approved though still not that popular. And one day, as luck would have it, something similar happened to moi. Flash, ah ah, king of the universe.

Why do I have to make everything about a song?

Self preservation my dears, self preservation!

Okay, the rant. For more years than I care to count, I disputed our property evaluation because I thought I was doing something to reduce our taxes & keep money in our pockets. At first I was schlepping to the appraisal district, then eventually via online portal. Protests became a game & I was good at it. I always won! The rat bastards.

So, ….. guess what folks? The market value being lowered year after freaking year did NOTHING to reduce the taxes. All that work, gathering evidence, taking pictures showing reasons to reduce the value, etc… was all for NAUGHT. Thanks Veltman for setting me straight. I give up!

There’s a law that says the appraisal must be based on market value but the assessed value may not be increased by more than 10%. One day when the two values meet all havoc will break loose. But & it’s a big BUTT, they will never meet because the market value is determined by whim & tom-freaking-foolery. There is no way we could sell our house for as much as the appraisal district says we can. The assessed amount is the basis for the taxes. Well duh you say. Of course you all knew. I did too but I never fully connected the dots.

Sure enough I did the calculations back as far as the tax roll showed with 10% increase year over year confirmed. Market value was not a factor. I’m relieved Veltman didn’t charge me $325 to get the market value down but instead explained how doing that made no difference. I’m also relieved that I can quit protesting. I’ve got more than enough things to stress about.

As always, more to come.

News 📰 of the Day ~ 3/27/23

How obnoxious would it be making News of the Day a daily post? Not real news mind you. I imagine, quick tiny anecdotes likes the one that follows:

Microsoft Word has a new improved spell check called Editor. This tool removes the 2nd space after a period. The actual feature is called “punctuation conventions”. I can almost see Sr. Margaret in typing class marking off for one space. At this point, double space is a habit. But I let the Editor ✍️ take over. This is freeing 😄

J-Dub

As always more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 3/10/23

More health related rambling. Sacri-fucking-bleu. Or Sacribleu for short. LOL. Everything old is new again. I posted in a FB support group back in 2018 about a med I had started taking that worked for my chronic pain but how I played Google MD and stopped taking it for fear of dementia. Time blurs & I really thought it was more recent than 2018 but I also thought I stopped for fear of a heart attack. All I know for sure is I quit taking a med because of something that I read. I re-read the comments & the fine folks of that FB support group were VERY helpful.

Fast forward to March 8, 2023. My current doctor ordered tests & sent me to specialists, genuinely seemed to be trying to help me out. I went in for my 6 month check up only to learn her last day at the clinic is 4/14/23. She is starting her own practice which is great for her. I asked about following her since I need to make sure I can get my other not for pain meds. She said since she wants to take insurance, the set up takes 3-4 months longer. But yes, I can follow her when she is open again.

As I gave her the download about the specialists, there were two, I told her I still hurt. I mentioned the drug above (not naming the name here because shocker among shocker, I am not a doctor). She said something about T waves & watching for signs but that it should be ok to try again. Of course I misremembered & said nothing about dementia. Anyway, I have the RX in my hot little hand. I will have a six week follow up with one of the nurse practitioners since by then she will be gone from the clinic & not quite open at the new place. Makes me want to delay trying the new med until I can be seen by her again for sure. I’d also ask if this med will cause me to lose my mental faculties. Or I could just play Google MD again. Certifiable! Somebody stop me!

Not sure why I overthink this stuff but I do & I’m sure I will be without a doctor very soon. This makes me want to find a new doctor & set the appointment for September since it will likely take that long to get in anywhere else. Or do I roll the dice that my current doctor will be up & running in September? And what happens if I run out of my RX before then? Go to the doc in a box?

Maybe I’m making excuses to not start the new med. I’ll continue in pain because pain is what I deserve. Ugh! See what I mean. Ridiculous!

Follow me for more woe is me tips. I’d love to go back to bed. Spend the day there wallowing. Just one day of a pity party before I pick myself up, dust myself off, & start all over again.

As always more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 1/27/23

Sticking to my two-a-day workouts for January mind bending experiences, I’m rambling nonsense. Where are my bee pictures? I’m saving WP real estate & my media is 80% full. Guess the bee pictures will have to stay in FB land.

I worked for a boss once upon a time who had a peach orchard as a side gig. He knew first hand the importance of bees. When people would say You catch more flies with honey, he’d respond Nope! you catch more BEES.

The Texas Department of Health & Human Services are bees in my opinion. Stinging lil bastards. I could tell you all my trials and tribulations but it takes too long. Short story, today’s follow up to obtain personal records to which I am entitled ended up with me being hung up on twice & then an escalated complaint to the Ombudsman’s Office. OO bite me!

The last time we had this situation, B helped me. Pretty sure I wrote about it too but I cannot find the post. Today I told him, you need to leave this room. LOL

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I may need to take a road trip to m*therf**cking Austin. How much you wanna bet that the people who are responsible to answer my inquiry work in a call center in Cleveland? C’mon, let’s make a pool. What are the odds that little Jilly would drive all the way to Austin for nada? Except to be arrested for trespassing on government property. Guess I should get an attorney on speed dial.

Seriously, I won’t do anything of the sort. I’m a little yappy dog who just yaps away. The mo-fos.

And with that happy FriYay!

As always, more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 12/23/22

Lulu & I made an early morning run for specialty doughnuts from Voodoo Doughnut who just opened a new store in downtown SA. People have taken bets that the store will close in less than a year. Not because of the product mind you which appears to be a booming business amid all the other pastry palaces. The reason is every prior business on that corner has gone the way of the dino. Location, location, location …

The paid & general lack of parking will keep locals away but maybe the out of town crowd foot traffic will sustain them. Our method was to order online, go early on a holiday week, me act like a taxi on the N Presa side street, flashers on while Lulu did a mad dash. We were there @ 30 minutes ahead of our order but they don’t package until 20 minutes til for optimum freshness. They had to do some computer stuff to move the order ahead but all in all, we made good time. Then we took the long way home to see the beautiful holiday lights along the Riverwalk.

Speaking of holidays, they suck. Well not for everyone but for enough of us. I read something online suggesting to wish people a gentle holiday instead of happy or joyful one. Too much pressure & toxic positivity aka denial that these days may not be happy at all. What better way to commemorate the reason for the season than through gentleness & grace. My skip level boss replied that my wish to him for a gentle holiday had to be the nicest thing anyone ever said to him. Awww and that response made my day!

I was tearing about on my b-day about the light metaphorical fuses to blow things up. I stopped myself thank goodness. “Fuck ’em” I say instead. They are not going to ruin my peace. The mofo’s don’t even realize they’re being awful anyway. And if they do realize & are purposefully being bad humans, well then I don’t want a relationship with them anyway. Alrighty, I have to get to work. Tschüss until tomorrow.

As always, more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 12/16/22

And so it begins the downward descent into madness …

Life is not for the faint of heart. My mind is chaos. I had hoped to post something for book club today but I couldn’t wind down to read/finish my book. And it’s a GREAT story which would catapult me away where I could relax. Instead, my mind on overdrive, I thought, & thought, & thought about a wide variety of topics. My brain was a whirling dervish. Oh how I love that word.

Some of my pondering was exceptional like everything surrounding my baby girl’s birthday but intertwined with joy was so much angst, which if I had followed through would be subject for my get real series fodder. I could release the hounds without vagueness. And I’m trying to get help for this very niche problem but resources are seriously lacking. In absence of that, here is some other stuff on our plate that I do freely share. Get out the tissues y’all.

I don’t remember where I left off in this ever evolving story. It’s but one of many things we are dealing with right now – my mother in law’s continued decline. B’s mom, I wish I could add dear sweet adjectives but truthfully she was more manipulative. Notice I wrote WAS. Now she is just far gone. And it is sad. I would not wish her circumstances on my worst enemy. This all began in January of 2022 with repeated falls and trips to the ER. One very bad reaction to medication had us looking for long term care & we even had her signed up. LTC is in between nursing home where one is still somewhat ambulatory. She got off the meds, pitched a fit & never went into care. As months progressed, she saw times of improvement but morefall after fall, she was admitted then transferred to a nursing home. For her own good & safety.

Emotionally she did a number on PoPo & through guilt, she convinced him to spring her from the pokey. This was done with the understanding that they were trading the nursing home for in home health care. The caregiver showed up 3 days before she was “fired” because as we were told “all she does is sit & look at me”. That left PoPo who is not in much better shape to care for his ailing wife who is now 100% wheelchair bound.

The days all blur into one but a week, two, or three passed. B & (even me though I said I would never after the hell that was January when she accused me of trying to lock her away) are doing everything we can to help. All the things the home health would do, plus daily activities beyond the housekeeper who comes weekly. And we both work full time jobs.

This may seem stupid but my biggest worry is getting their mail. It is like playing frogger. Remember frogger? Splat! The mailbox is on the other side of the road that is frequently travelled by idiots speeding over the hill. One has to wear a safety vest when getting the mail in order to be seen. I want them to get a PO Box, they refuse. Or what about using our address? Still refuse. This is an accident waiting to happen & we always worried over PoPo when he was doing it & now he can’t.

For the past 4 nights, 3 of them had B running over to their place to pick MoMo up because she “slipped” while trying to go to the bathroom Last Saturday, when B was out of town, PoPo called the fire department who came & picked her up. We learned that tidbit after the fact. They didn’t want to guilt B for not being available & weren’t going to tell us but B found the paperwork.

Well last night, she didn’t just slip, she fell hard and busted her lips on the shower door. B runs over there, cleans her up, blood & everything else. PoPo & MoMo debated calling 911 but decided against it because she might be admitted then back to the nursing home. B stood by helpless, he tells me he can’t make them call 911 but we all know this can’t go on.

Anyway, I’m about out of steam, closing with this last little bit. We never know what anyone is really going through & the best we can do is be kind to one another. I need to remember that myself when I get upset, it could be worse. Not to minimize my pain but to deal with the realties & to redirect my thoughts to what is good in my life because there is good hidden in the shadows, dare I say there is pure joy which I only know because have experienced the opposite.

As always, more to come.

Featured image, her new ink … LOVE my baby girl.

Friday Free For All ~ 12/2/22

Ugh 😩. Yesterday’s second opinion or make that 99th opinion went horribly. I’ve skipped what led to this part not wanting to whine. No pain relief 😮‍💨 No closer to an answer. The stress is killing me before whatever this is will. Not a soul in the office besides staff & me yet I waited an hour! Only to be given a tut tut, you need to take medicine. And not just any medicine but a highly addictive opioid.

Doc tells me they know so my much now. That this dose is the smallest. It’s safer than OTC anti inflammatory because it won’t hurt my kidneys. In addition to the opioid, I’m prescribed muscle relaxers. For what? Can anyone tell me that? Nope they can’t. I’m so defeated 😔.

Icing on the cake, my car, which I just got out of the shop, smells like something is burning. That can’t be good. Back to the shop it goes. Ugh 😩

Peace Out. Until next time.

As always more to come.

Friday Frolic & the Unexpected Driver ~ 11/18/22

Ashanti was my unexpected driver this morning. I planned to wait for my car but apparently Cavender won’t conduct diagnostics for someone waiting. They are so backed up that they’re only doing diagnostics drop off with 2-3 day turnaround times. Thank goodness I’m on vacation. The convo went something like this …

  • Me: When I made the appointment, there was no message about this, I planned to wait. I have no way to get home.
  • Cavender Employee: Ya our online system isn’t the best. That was supposed to be fixed by now. We’ll just get you an Uber.
  • Me: Good luck with that, I’ve tried. We live out in the boonies.
  • Cavender Employee (as she is ordering an Uber on her phone): Let’s try. Oh look he’ll be here in less than 5 minutes.
  • Me (surprised): Then I Uber back? And who pays for that?
  • Cavender Employee: We do.

New convo started in less than 5 minutes as promised …

  • Me: Can I ride in front, I get car sick.
  • Ashanti: Whatever makes you comfortable.
  • Me: You know where we’re going right? Am I in your service area?
  • Ashanti: This is what I do, drive.
  • Me: Uber wouldn’t come out to where I live before so just making sure.
  • Ashanti: What? they cancelled on you?
  • Me: Yep
  • Ashanti: Naw, that ain’t right. Get in, we’re going.

Fellow San Antonians know how far a drive it is from 1604 & 281 to China Grove and in rush hour no less. With an accident on 35 North to slow us down. Still this ride was fun, maybe the highlight of my day.

We talked the entire time. He’s originally from Atlanta, lives in Houston but is in San Antonio for his show tomorrow night. Plus he used to live here, still has family here & Thanksgiving is next week so he is staying over. College graduate, who does taxes for his main gig & wants to open his office next year. But basically a jack of all trades, trying to break into the music business too. I told him how I was supposed to be in Chicago today but plans changed. Maybe in April or May.

Our conversation was all over the place … ice skating, roller skating, taking chances, baseball, basketball, school uniforms, metal detectors, & clear backpacks. Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, or the Sopranos? Things to do if I ever get to Atlanta. Very interesting & entertaining. I love this kid, his generation is our future. So bright, let me grab my shades.

Alrighty, carry on with your bad selves. I’m forced into relaxation since my wheels have been taken away. Wishing all who happen to stumble upon this post a fantastic Friday!

As always, more to come.