set her mind ablaze
unbelievable fiction
truth hard to swallow
Awesome prompt words fitting my mood. Subbed ablaze for fire & fiction for fable. Yesterday I wrote my heart out while basking in the sun. Hard truths are actually healing ❤️🩹. Though I’m still making stuff up in the absence of evidence. Filling in the holes in my heart.
If you’ve connected the dots, this happened a week after that fateful day. Juggling 🤹♂️ is our specialty. I’ll say one thing adversity has only served to strengthen us.
B “I wonder who I pissed off to get this payback”
Me “no one, shit just happens”
~Wednesday September 17, 2014 Methodist Hospital ER 11:58 p.m. ~
I am a firm believer of that. No assignment of blame. Sometimes things just suck for no reason in particular. Oh and I also believe in miracles and that unicorns fart rainbows … NOT! Or do I, … maybe I do!!!
Blood has ruined my favorite comfy capris and B’s Dallas Cowboys T-Shirt is toast … because when your nose starts bleeding and won’t stop, you don’t think about anything else … you race to the ER meeting the doctor there, ignoring the looks, stares and sympathetic glances. Hours pass by and the stains have set in … to remind us that it could be worse, it could always be worse.
Of course I can say that NOW, since the crisis was adverted.
I am no doctor but I am positive that all that Naproxin he was taking for his back contributed to this inability to clot because the last nose surgery under worse conditions did not have this particular side effect. If I was a doctor or other healthcare professional, I might find this all in a day’s work and be quite fascinated. I am not however. Though I did keep it together until all was well again. I know if I get this out “on paper” I’ll have a writer’s catharsis. The second act is my verbal release.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, now that feels better. Except I’ll probably be all Lady Macbeth “out damn spot” for a while. Deep breath in and slowly exhale.
Hug your loved ones, don’t be shy. Say what you mean and mean what you say ala Dr. Seuss’s Horton. For I too believe in things I cannot see or hear. Life is too short to do otherwise.
The following first appeared on FB three years ago. After some quiet time here is more from the aftermath of the fall. Also means we’re approaching the anniversary of the terrible awful. I’m going to treat myself to some infused tea. Chasing the willies away.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! okay, now I feel better.
Semi-not-so-good news. Kevin Bacon’s nose job did not take.
B has been having headaches and still so much pressure which was supposed to subside. He was told at least six months but next Monday it’ll be five months from the ‘nose job’ and he was having so much pain that he made an appointment for today.
If worker’s comp approves, he will have a septoplasty and turbinate surgery on 10/1 because everything is still all jacked up in there. From the outside there is no clue that anything is wrong but from the inside we have to remember his face was fractured, pulverized to quote the ER doc.
Don’t get me wrong, we know he was blessed. His injuries could have been so much worse and this can be repaired. While there are things beyond control, we get to control our reaction. We will be looking for those silver linings again. The sunshine and roses are out there, I just know it!!!!!!
If you see me and I appear a bit stressed, it is because I am. I am holding it together one day at a time. Cliche but true, this too shall pass.
I put this short note (with 40 plus pictures) on FB exactly three years ago today ~ 8/10/14
We are baaack after squeezing in some last minute summer fun to kick off Shark Week!
We took a three day weekend to the coast. Lulu was about to start her junior year of high school. All was still right with the world 🌎. This was Before … before the terrible awful happened. We’re approaching an anniversary I’d rather not face.
Lately, I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures. Before pictures. Pictures where you really don’t see a difference except in hindsight. Pictures that I think If I look hard enough I will find my answers. I know after the fact that behind the smiles there was a lot going on. Truth and still waters run deep.
It’s painful. Looking at these pictures. And thinking how did I miss the signs? We’re there any? There must’ve been. Why didn’t I see? I am putting myself through anguish trying to figure out the answer. An answer to what if? What if … fill in the blank. A hole so deep, it can’t be filled.
My rational mind knows that there is no answer. I can say a million times: I would have, I could have, I should have. But the sad fact is I didn’t. I also didn’t act alone.
Yet because I blame myself, I feel alone. It’s taken me a long time to be able to ask for help. I’m finally doing that now. I can’t keep carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders without collapsing. I desperately want a second chance to make better decisions.
Though now I’m told “you did the best that you could. And that’s all anyone can do. To expect more of yourself is unrealistic and unfair. People make the best choices they can with the knowledge they have at a time”. I’m supposed to be able to forgive myself. But how can I?
Regrets I have a few. But unlike ole blue eyes, I’m not belting out I did it my way.
My way sucked.
Yet right now … at this moment … I am happy. I feel a little guilty for being happy. But I am.
I also have a glimmer of Hope that fickle fucking bitch.
It’s not over yet. It can’t be over yet. I do get a second chance to make better choices. And these choices are future facing.
I can’t go back … we can’t go back and who would want to go back?
Hell for all I know if we had a “do-over” things could of turned out even worse. You know the butterfly effect or space time continuum or whatever the hell else. I can’t control anyone but myself. If I have to watch my loved ones crash and burn so be it.
And there is goodness. Like today. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was another day in paradise.
As always, more to come.
Posted to Facebook three years ago today. About a month before everything changed. Only in hindsight did we realize though. Sometimes there are momentous life changing events even in the mundane.
The mister returned to work today where he was treated like royalty. Franco took him to a special lunch of goat cheese enchiladas at Rosarios. This evening Pony and Wise treated him to Hsiu Yu special fried rice. His fortune cookie read “if you have a job without aggravations, you don’t have a job” He says he never wants to be without aggravations again!
In fact, he welcomes the aggravations. And tomorrow he is braving the scaffold again – different job site, same risk. I feel nauseous but what are you gonna do?!?!? I hear the Who singing ” Then I’ll get on my knees and pray. We don’t get fooled again.” Not exactly the same sentiment but the lyrics kind of work here.
I posted the following three year ago to the day. All was right with the world despite B’s life changing accident. Back to normal. A time we mark as before the terrible awful. That’s a line from a movie … the terrible awful. I forget which one. I should look it up.
Any hoo if I could start over from 8/1/14 you know I would! By Labor Day weekend of 2014, our world came crashing down. Not sure if I’m brave enough to share as it’s not my story to tell. I know we folded into ourselves … immediate family only. Together in our pain. B, Pony, Wise and Lulu. Even B’s parents had no idea what went on.
But, this is not about that. I’m not going there yet. This was a good day. FB 8/1/14:
So what’s a guy to do on his last Friday at home before going back to work?
Well, if you’re B you get groceries for a fantastic Saturday morning breakfast. The menu is still a surprise. Can’t wait for tomorrow.
You work around the house to finish up some chores. You replace the front porch light fixtures. You FINALLY fix the bathroom sink drain. And you make a list of all the other maintenance that MUST be done in 2014. You tend the fall garden and when you get bored you chase a snake.
This rat snake was in one of our backyard oak trees. Mr. Snake had eaten the baby mockingbirds from their nest in tree :(. Snakey-poo was slithering down the tree when B decided to catch him and have Lulu take a picture with her iPhone to capture a true father daughter moment :).
Mr. Snake is alive and well in this pic before he was released back into his habitat to continue to serve his purpose of eating mice and rats. And I thought it was our neighbor Mrs. Syma’s cats that kept the mice and rats away. Who knew ?!?!?
As it is was not enough to worry about the rattlers and other assorted snakes on the ground. Now we have to be on high alert checking out our trees.
Country living at its’ finest 😉 So glad it is Friday, enjoying the good life and I hope you are too!
The following was posted on Facebook three years ago to the day. A mundane event in the aftermath of the fall. He would do anything for her. No denying a father’s 💝. If only it was still that easy for her to be happy.
Billy needed a hair cut, first time since the accident and he was looking very wooly. He doesn’t have a regular stylist like Lulu and I but he does go to the same place – Sports Clips in Citybase about 4 or 5 x’s a year. They know him and consider him a ‘regular’
Lulu and I tried to talk him into getting the MVP treatment … the hair cut with hot towel, massage, etc…
Us “come on, you deserve it, the massage is the best … soooo relaxing”
Billy”grumble, grumble, words we could not understand”
Lulu “at least get your eye brows done” as she says to him once a week for the last however many years!
Billy “more unintelligible words”
We got there right when the place opened, he was the second one back. When he was done we were so surprised … the stylist asked if he wanted to do something about those long eye brows and he said “yea go ahead … that’d make my daughter happy”
And happy she is … it’s the little things that make you smile 🙂
Have a great Sunday one and all … it is going to be a glorious day!!
Funny what you forget. The mind’s way of coping I guess. This is about six weeks post fall. About three months before he went back to work. “It is what it is until it isn’t” is eerily similar to our mantra today.
So Billy Bob’s bright red cast came off for a few minutes today to be replaced by what? Another bright red cast. Everything looks good but the radial break is not quite healed yet.
Let’s face it he has old man bones. He now has a prescription for vitamin D. Once a week as more than that is no bueno.
He is still not released to drive. And he cannot do anything weight bearing with his right arm until Monday June 23rd. That’s when he will return to get the cast off for good. Followed by at least a month of physical therapy.
Disappointed sure … but … and there is always a but … it could be worse. The ortho waiting room was filled with walkers, wheelchairs, and crutches. The guy next to us was visibly wincing. He had been dropped off and when asked he replied “yep I am alone again. The bus will come back for me”. For better or worse at least we have each other. This guy was alone. In a wheelchair. I’ll never complain about driving Mr. Daisy again.
Lulu is glad to spend the summer with her daddy. Another silver lining. Maybe he can teach her to drive. Lord knows I’ve tried. Anyhow it is what it is until it isn’t. Still sunshine and roses. Oh happy day!!!
FB post from 5/4/14. We each contribute in our own way. When life throws you a curve ball, you improvise.
It has been a very productive Sunday. I am sous chef for B who though not able to use his right hand is determined to become a left-handed one armed chef extraordinaire ;). Most folks know that he is our primary cook and I am the chief bottle washer. Since his accident I have been filling in which means a lot of take out but when planning this week’s menus, he decided he can take over again as long as we make Sunday prep day.
So … I ground chicken and seasoned it for crispy tacos. Venison has been sliced into strips and seasoned for stroganoff. Frozen pulled pork from a prior bbq is thawing out in the frig. One night we’ll cheat and eat Bertoli frozen meals. We predict a leftovers night as well. Plus I sliced salami for his lunches. Washed cherry tomatoes and strawberries, peeled oranges, shucked corn on the cob and sliced and chopped onions.
This was my FB post from April 28, 2014. B had yet another follow up which didn’t yield the results he hoped for yet in the big scheme of things, he was blessed. WE were all blessed.
Dr. S is an excellent physician Dr. S has taken the best possible care of my Billy
Dr. S wears a wedding ring
Dr. S has pictures of his kiddos on the desk in his office
Dr. S is being deployed
When Billy goes back in three weeks, he will see Dr. O instead. So while the news of “No, you are not ready to get out of your cast yet – let’s give it three more weeks” and “No you cannot drive yet because quite simply, you cannot grip a steering wheel” were not what we hoped for … it is what it is. And B is strong, he will heal. He is healing as we speak and red is a good color for him. So he is keeping his red cast aka styling accessory. I forgot to ask if I could sign it or be-dazzle it up 😉
Godspeed to Dr. S. Words alone cannot express our gratefulness. THANK YOU and we wish you well!!!
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 