Almost Heaven ~ 5/7/23

I feel a novela coming on & lately those ramblings have gone on the blog. Today I’m staying local by way of WP. The ban was lifted so I will share to FB after all the silliness is complete. This post might even float over to Instagram if I did this right.

Today we got plates to go from the church picnic/annual fundraiser. We had a banner day, “smoke up Johnny!” Nod to my Breakfast Club roots. Some may not get that line and explaining it would take too long so moving on.

These would be the same folks who ask me why I named my lizard(s) Jim Morrison. Because I’m a weirdo who owns my strangeness. Jim was the Lizard King doncha know. I wanna break on through to the other side.

So many thoughts are popping like popcorn kernels in hot oil, the old school way, in a skillet with a lid. I really don’t know where to being. I’ve been bursting out in spontaneous song all day long. In particular, John Denver’s Take Me Home, Country Roads. Right there in the middle of the Auto Zone. Just know, I’m the most right when I’m the most wrong.

Pony “Is that song about Pennsylvania?”

Me “No, it’s about Colorado, Rocky Mountains”

Pony as he is looking it up on his phone “Naw pretty sure it’s about Pennsylvania”

Me “John DENVER man, definitely Colorado”

Pony singing to me in the middle of Auto Zone “Almost heaven, West Virginia”

Doh! The place is in the first line of the song. He sang to me & he has a good voice. That’s my momma’s side coming out. I have at least two cousins, maybe three who are also musically inclined. Pony told Lulu, one day you too will sing spontaneously, like me & mom.

I haven’t laughed this much in a very long time. The brain trust was cooking all day today. I learned zoomer slang. “Let her cook” and “No cap”. Google it. LOL.

As always, more to come.

I’ve Been Bamboozled ~ 4/5/23

Nobody told me I was walking around with my skirt tucked into my pantyhose flashing the world with some big ole white granny panties. LOL!

C’mon now y’all that’s funny. Can you picture the scene? It was 1980 something. Women had to wear skirts to work.

Well we didn’t really have to wear dresses or skirts anymore that was in the 70s. When I started in 1983, pants were approved though still not that popular. And one day, as luck would have it, something similar happened to moi. Flash, ah ah, king of the universe.

Why do I have to make everything about a song?

Self preservation my dears, self preservation!

Okay, the rant. For more years than I care to count, I disputed our property evaluation because I thought I was doing something to reduce our taxes & keep money in our pockets. At first I was schlepping to the appraisal district, then eventually via online portal. Protests became a game & I was good at it. I always won! The rat bastards.

So, ….. guess what folks? The market value being lowered year after freaking year did NOTHING to reduce the taxes. All that work, gathering evidence, taking pictures showing reasons to reduce the value, etc… was all for NAUGHT. Thanks Veltman for setting me straight. I give up!

There’s a law that says the appraisal must be based on market value but the assessed value may not be increased by more than 10%. One day when the two values meet all havoc will break loose. But & it’s a big BUTT, they will never meet because the market value is determined by whim & tom-freaking-foolery. There is no way we could sell our house for as much as the appraisal district says we can. The assessed amount is the basis for the taxes. Well duh you say. Of course you all knew. I did too but I never fully connected the dots.

Sure enough I did the calculations back as far as the tax roll showed with 10% increase year over year confirmed. Market value was not a factor. I’m relieved Veltman didn’t charge me $325 to get the market value down but instead explained how doing that made no difference. I’m also relieved that I can quit protesting. I’ve got more than enough things to stress about.

As always, more to come.

Wily Wednesday Story Time ~ 1/11/23

Pretty sure I spelled wily wrong, but I’m moving on because this is stream. I remembered my dream when I woke up this morning because the alarm startled me awake during it. Right at the good part. Mind outta the gutter folks. 😉

I was rounding the corner and I saw my coworker, sitting there in shorts & a t-shirt, wearing flip-flops & smoking a cigarette. He saw me and tried to hide the evidence. He even had the door open and was sort of trying to blow the smoke outdoors. And I’m like “dude you’re in the building you can’t smoke here.” And then I woke up and I wanted a cigarette even though I was never a smoker. Of course I lived with a smoker so I was smoker adjacent for so long that once I moved out of my parents’ house, I kind of still had a taste for the smell of cigarettes. Does that even make sense? Taste for the smell. Good Lord, what is wrong with me? AnyWho, that’s not my story.

My story is about how every morning I wake up with my mind already going like I seriously have song lyrics or there’s something I’m thinking about. I wake up and I’m on. This drives me crazy. Not like I should wake up in a stupor, but Jesus Christ. I never stop thinking, and Lord that drives me crazy . I better watch my mouth. My momma is turning over in her grave. She’d probably say something like Mother Mary is crying because of those words you’re choosing to use. Jesus Christ is NOT a swear word. Yep, good ole Catholic guilt. Still not my story.

Since I didn’t write today’s story down immediately, I forgot it. Pretty sure it was a good one too. Don’t worry, I’ll come up with something even better tomorrow. It should be a sin to have this much fun. Haha 😆

As always more to come.

Random Nonsense ~ 7/11/22

I’ve been out galavanting around or lollygagging as the case may be. Wait! Those are opposites. My Southern schoolin’ escapes me. I was always good for a colloquialism or two or 50! LOL.

I’m in hog heaven. How about that? The wild hog was back today. The last time I saw him was when I went to the dentist. Was that March or April??? Scared the tarnation out of me like last time. But I scream & he runs so we’re good with that arrangement.

The hog sighting must mean we’re getting rain. Am I superstitious or just kidding. But we’re due, rain is in the forecast & our senesa is blooming. The purple flowers usually indicate a storm is brewing per the old wives. Their tales are sometimes johnny on the spot.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m killing time with this short lil entry. I have to take a Covid test because tomorrow I go back into the office. Only 1/2 a day but the rules are the rules. And I have been out & about more than usual.

Lulu & I saw Jesus Christ Superstar 50th anniversary tour at the Majestic on Saturday. I kept my damn hot ass mask on the whole time & by show, masks are required but the venue did not enforce despite a big old sign MASKS REQUIRED. For the love of god and all that is holy, how ironic if I picked up the vid from seeing Jesus Christ Superstar. Ha! I know it’s too soon, I have not incubated long enough. No symptoms either but I could be a lucky one.

And drum roll puhleese ………..

Negative

As always, more to come.

Off Cycle Book Club & Plumbers Pants Combo ~ 7/11/21

I went to the library yesterday and scored two replacement books: Bunny by Mona Awad and The Wonder Boy of Whistle Stop by Fannie Flagg. I started with Bunny mainly because the book blurb on the dust jacket said the story made a reviewer cackle while nodding in terrifying agreement. Sounded to be right up my alley. But and it’s a big butt, this book is not for me.

I was very sure I’d enjoy it since I ❤ dark and twisted. Why? Well because dark and twisted is not my typical life said no one ever. I read to escape and needed that after the week I had. If you really stop to think, all life is atypical … what a cluster. Not all day, everyday, all the time but often enough … the weight of the world is heavy. But I digress.

I used to be of the “if you break it, you bought it” philosophy. Mixing metaphors here but what I mean is that I finished every book I ever opened … to the bitter end … no matter what. Well y’all, that’s not me any longer. No sir/ no ma’am. No way / no how. Time is a precious commodity. Sadly I stopped reading Bunny about a chapter into Part Two. I plan to check out more from Mona Awad though. See if “it’s not you, it’s me”.

Now for a pantser. LOL. I’m still chuckling. Dropped off the weekly groceries at B’s parents. Where his mom informs us she has to go to the store to get PoPo new clothes since he has lost so much weight. 40 lbs gone since the fall and hospital stay, now back home but still in PT. We told her we’d go. She herself has zero business driving. If she insists, we’ll take her or we can help her order online like last time.

She is resistant. Wants to shop old school. To a degree, I get that but he won’t be going along to try on anyway. Convenience is important at this phase of their lives. She’s prattling about sizes and how he never wears his pants at the right spot. Telling him how he needs to wear pants around his waist not below his belly (which has become non-existent). The convo went something like this:

“Mom, they’ll deliver right to your door”

PoPo not hearing B continues “I’ve tried wearing my pants over my belly button. Five minutes later they drop. To where they’re meant to be.

“No one wants to see your crack”, MoMo says.

“Well maybe they do” PoPo retorts. “I’m a plumber okay. I like being a plumber“.

By this time I’m snort laughing.

Lulu a bit confused asks “PoPo what does being plumber mean?”

I snort some more.

Probably not PC but it’s funny y’all. Don’t ya think? Stereotypical of course. And just so ya know, I have an affinity for plumbers and anyone who works a trade. B has done quite well for himself and for us that way.

As always, more to come.

Meanwhile Somewhere in Texas ~ 2/18/21

Because we all need some levity. Things you never thought you’d hear. Maybe it’s just me but this was funny 😁

Picture of pitcher in snow ❄️ with caption: Cooling the boiled water to drink.

Me to Cousin: Stay safe!

Friend of Cousin: Do you not have water?

Cousin: Nope

Another Friend: Yes you do

Cousin: It’s sketchy

Different Friend: Melting snow ❄️ to shit

Cousin: No comment crazy ass!!!

Another Friend: I’m using empty kitty 🐈‍⬛ litter buckets 🪣 filled with snow ❄️ to melt for flushing.

Different Friend: Exactly same thing I’m doing. I knew those buckets 🪣 would come in handy one day.

Yet Another Friend: You guys ok?

Cousin: I’m in Texas, far from ok !

End Scene. Filed under “You can’t make this stuff up”.

My once a year hat made by my own loving hands circa 1979

Texas Has a Sense of Humor ~ 12/3/20

Well my vehicle registration came due 11/30/20. With the Rona restrictions, I wondered how I’d get everything done. I knew about the drive through contactless inspections at the oil change place but I assumed incorrectly, I’d still have to go in person to finish the transaction like I have done every year since I was 18.

Last week while on vacay, I got the inspection done. There are four bays at Take 5 Oil, one exclusive to inspections and on that day I drove right in. I politely refused the water while I wait cuz ya know Rona. Your lips to God’s ears but my lips won’t touch a water bottle that is not my own. There were six or so workers. All of them but one have masks on. And guess which one I got? C’mon guess. Yep, you’re right! The mo-fo without a mask.

Now mind you, I had my mask on and my sanitizer. I also distanced as best I could, really extending my hand as I gave him my insurance card. After the inspection was done, he took my debit card. I had to wait for him to ring me up and I watched him like a hawk as he scratched his face with the hand holding my card. Sacrebleu!! Bastards!!!

When he gave me back my insurance card and debit card with the proof of inspection, I dropped all of it into the pocket of the driver side car door. I touched the items with only my thumb and index finger. I proceeded to sanitize my hands and arms up to my elbows, then drove away.

I figured by the time I got home, the Rona had died. Plus I had no plans to lick my cards or the paper proof of inspection. I was grumbly as I walked in telling the kids that of course only one mo-fo without a mask and he waited on me.

Pony: Did you say anything?

Me: No!

Pony: If it upsets you then you should have told him “back off scarecrow”, I want someone wearing a mask.

The scarecrow reference is how I dealt early on with Tiff’s Treats. Lol! I’ll never live that down.

Anyway moving along. And eventually getting to a point. Kinda, sorta, maybe 😉

Kimbo told B that we could pay online. He just did. The inspection results were automatically communicated. Well alrighty then!

So just now, I went to Two Steps, One Sticker. Kick Up Your Heels for the New Texas Two Step. Sure enough, I was able to pay online. They will mail me my sticker in @ two days. I still might not get them by 11/30 but once the payment is all the way processed, I will have a virtual piece of paper via email for law enforcement. Yeah buddy. Now we’re cooking. With gas!

Finally to the sense of humor part. Or maybe just funny to me being so very easily amused. Dare I say lockdown giddy. As if the website naming Kick Up Your Heels for the New Texas Two Step wasn’t enough, they have a Dude, Where’s My Sticker? tracker. Get it? Dude, Where’s My Sticker?

And now, I am finally done. This silliness was brought to you by one J-Dub McGillicutty who was on vacay with too much time on her hands. Take that Tommy Shaw! 🙂

As always, more to come.

Curbside Shenanigans ~ 11/22/20

“Yes we have no bananas, we have no bananas today ”.

We actually wanted five single bananas but Lulu made the order for five bunches. 12.55 lbs later we have this …

At Walmart, you make the order for how many. At H.E.B you order by the bunches. There is a side note which says 5-7 bananas are usually in a bunch. You can also pick ripe, almost ready, and green. At least we asked for green .

On a side note we got two extra bags. Stuff we don’t normally use – ricotta cheese, neufchatel cheese, velveeta cheese, and string cheese. Do you see a pattern here. LOL. There was also whipped cream but the kind in the spray can … very fancy for us. A quart of half and half. Two cans of Pillsbury crescents. Finally some bacon. Someone is gonna upset when they unload.

I called H.E.B main office only number I could find. I chaired danced around, staying on hold while listening to swing trumpets muzak. I had hoped they’d charge me for the extra goodies. The clerk told me they are not allowed to charge me. They also cannot accept any items back. Instead he took a list of the items, called the actual store and warned them to be on the lookout for the person who was shorted. By my calling, it expedited the matter by immediately confirming the issue was legit. As luck would have it, we were all on the phone at the same time. Problem, solved except …

I worry for the girl who loaded our items. Was this her first mistake? Will they take the amount lost from her pay? Or maybe worse fire her? And I’m not sure why but I feel guilty!!!! Maybe because I have so much already and I am taking free food like the free government cheese which my mom did not want to take. Who knows? Off to google what to do with too many bananas.

As always, more to come.

Funny Math ~ 10/29/20

I have not done one of these posts in a while. I have one related to the cost of prescription drug prices. Shocker I know! Such a racket. All of it!!

I have taken Crestor since 2003. I am on the very lowest therapeutic dose of 5 mg. Then I quarter it with my handy dandy pill splitter gadget. Originally I did this not to save money but to reduce the chance of side effects being generally pill adverse.

Somewhere along the way my insurance coverage changed. I was no longer fully covered at the discounted rates. I fought to get refills in 2017 eventually getting a “coupon” from the manufacturer. Since I quarter the pills, I have a year left of that 2017 order. To be safe and check out the current RX situation, I looked into a refill when I had my tele-med appointment earlier this year.

I went through a whole rigmarole to get pre-approved since for non-generic name brands that is now required. Even after approvals, my cost was $900 smack-a-roos. I was told the reason is I had yet to meet my deductible. Once that happens, the cost is only $221. Still way more than what I paid under a prior plan when everything was $30 brand and $7 generic.

Now the funny math. To get back to the $30/$7 plan, the cost of my insurance is about $1800 more a year. I am obviously better off paying the $900 barring no additional medical bills. Then I remembered some sage advice from a former mentor who said “I’d rather pay the doctor when I need him or her instead of an insurance company “just in case” I need to see a doctor”.

I know I cannot forgo health insurance. That is the main reason I still work. After 36 years of being a penny pincher, we probably could survive on my pension and 401K. But, we’d have to take out a mortgage for health insurance. Yeppers I realize I am being extreme. Maybe not a mortgage but perhaps a lien for a mid-sized car loan. And don’t get me started on property taxes! Oy Vey!!!

As always, more to come.