Thursday Thoughts ~ 3/2/23

Welcome to the all about me edition of Thursday Thoughts because it’s all about ME! Dammit. I’m a person, I matter.

You might wonder, where is this coming from Jilly? Well this rant has been much needed for a LOOOOONG time & it spawns from repressed, pent up, unexpressed emotions. And by emotions I mean some anger but mostly sorrow, deep to the bone it hurts sorrow. Fuck you motherfuckers! Fuck you! And not you the fine people of bloglandia who may be reading this post right now but instead my biological family, who are NOT my real family. Instead they are those who couldn’t be bothered.

I’ve hinted around at some stuff that is bothering me but stopped short due to overthinking, analysis paralysis. I also don’t want to be guilty of libel (or slander for that matter) though I speak my truth to B & the kids & several in person framily. I tell it like it is. I give them my GET REAL without filters.

Maybe I should call this post the world according to Jilly & disclaimer the hell out of it. In my opinion … my two cents worth 1/2 a penny. You go get your own opinion would ya. There are rules about this stuff that I should research before I go off.

Whew! I feel better. Just like Shirley MacLaine screaming “Give my daughter the medicine!!!!” Once her daughter gets the medicine, everyone can calm down.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 2/26/23

Last week I reflected without a roll call. After 2 hours, I made the post private. Here in a bit I will change it back to public. Life shared becomes poetry or something deep like that. We are less alone in our struggles & our happiness too for that matter.

I’m waxing philosophical as my mother in law appears to be declining more rapidly than times before this. Her life has become a series of falls, hospitals stays, nursing home stint, now back home. Where she claims she has gone to die. But that Polish stubborn streak keeps her here. Plus my father in law, her true life time love telling her he is not ready for here to go, causes her to hang on. Sad & beautiful all at once. Morbid maybe but I wish they could “The Notebook” out of here.

Yesterday B got a call to come here quick for a “talk”. He went solo but then called me & said come over, it was not what he first thought. So LuLu and I joined him. MoMo was unresponsive … or so they thought. Still breathing but she could be roused. PoPo with B’s help had called hospice but hospice was backlogged so they sent some version of EMS light. The whole scenario was something like this …

LuLu & I enter through the french doors. PoPo is in his chair right next to a sleeping MoMo, B on the couch. PoPo repeats for us how she took a pain pill at 7 AM & has been like “this’ since. He was worried because she couldn’t stay awake like yesterday & the day before that. Neither he or B could wake her up. Seeing her was pretty jarring … the first time for LuLu to see her in neck brace, with gash across forehead, deep bruises covering her face & arms. We’re told hospice is sending someone.

As we wait we try to reassure PoPo that she needs to sleep in order to heal & that a pain pill at 7 AM isn’t overmedicated like the last time. He doesn’t really understand that her pain pill is Tylenol & not even Tylenol 3. Only RX due to the dosage but otherwise can be purchased over the counter. It really isn’t that kind of OXY type pain pill & definitely not causing her lethargy.

EMS comes in all brusque. Why are some of these people helpers ass holes? Not truly, I think you have to be this way or you’d absorb all the pain & not be able to function. He asks if she is full code or DNR? She just signed DNR day before yesterday so she is full code until the papers come back from hospice on Monday.

EMS gets her to wake up, being more forceful than either PoPo or B. He does his assessment & everything is good, All vitals, sugar level, everything. He tells us this could be anything & for peace of mind, he can take her to a hospital (and should since technically full code). Says he gives everyone a freebie though & asks her a series of questions to see if he can circumvent the hospital.

EMS: Ma’am what’s your name?

MoMo in a growl: Hildegard!!!!!!

MoMo smiling: I’m really Mary Alice

EMS: Do you know where you are?

MoMo: My home

EMS: When is your birthday?

MoMo: July 7th

EMS: Are you in pain?

MoMo: Me & pain are best friends. Did they tell you I broke my neck? I never did that before.

EMS: Do you want to go to the hospital?

MoMo: NO! I came home to die!

EMS: Well you aren’t dying today. So you can stay here.

To us he says, she is of sound mind & he must respect her wishes. To call him back if anything changes. He goes on to explain that her sleeping so much is her body healing. This helped since PoPo didn’t really believe us when we said the same. PoPo should watch for labored breathing, fidgeting & other signs of distress but generally sleeping by itself even for long stretches is good considering the trauma she’s been through. He leaves & PoPo tries to kick us out but we stay. He does this because he says he feels guilty that we do too much. We don’t not really & we knew he wanted us to stay.

MoMo: I had a nice life, I want you to know that. You are ALL blessings to me even you Jill. Someone tell me a favorite memory. And Lulu does just that. Then after a while, we leave. Walking back home from their house is always therapeutic. We get to debrief what we went through. Unveil our deepest fears. Me & my wolfpack, only missing Pony.

Then last night went off without a hitch & now we’re back to day by day.

Another Sunday with reflections only but no roll call.

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

#JusJoJan 2023 Reflections ~ 2/3/23

LINK back to the lovely Linda G Hill.

A Sunday Poser or Cranny question recently was <has anyone saved your life & not known it?> I’m paraphrasing but the question was something like that. I answered YES!!!!!!! I’m very lucky that way & oh so super grateful for my support system.

I was thinking of my husband, B when I responded so quickly but today I realize that he’s one of many life savers. Blogging saved my life. Seriously. From filling the empty nest to now when my life is full. Linda has been a constant in my time here on WordPress with #JusJoJan, #1linerWeds., and #SoCS.

The 2023 #JusJoJan was therapeutic. Specifically this POST with prompt word FAMILY. Not because it was my word but rather because in short order, after I wrote those words, things have changed on the found family front. I’m acting a fool, not knowing what to do. Be careful what you wish for is the most apropos phrase I can think of. Life, it’s complicated.

I’ll probably write more on that subject later. Not probably, I WILL write more on that subject later. You can be sure of it.

As always, more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 12/16/22

And so it begins the downward descent into madness …

Life is not for the faint of heart. My mind is chaos. I had hoped to post something for book club today but I couldn’t wind down to read/finish my book. And it’s a GREAT story which would catapult me away where I could relax. Instead, my mind on overdrive, I thought, & thought, & thought about a wide variety of topics. My brain was a whirling dervish. Oh how I love that word.

Some of my pondering was exceptional like everything surrounding my baby girl’s birthday but intertwined with joy was so much angst, which if I had followed through would be subject for my get real series fodder. I could release the hounds without vagueness. And I’m trying to get help for this very niche problem but resources are seriously lacking. In absence of that, here is some other stuff on our plate that I do freely share. Get out the tissues y’all.

I don’t remember where I left off in this ever evolving story. It’s but one of many things we are dealing with right now – my mother in law’s continued decline. B’s mom, I wish I could add dear sweet adjectives but truthfully she was more manipulative. Notice I wrote WAS. Now she is just far gone. And it is sad. I would not wish her circumstances on my worst enemy. This all began in January of 2022 with repeated falls and trips to the ER. One very bad reaction to medication had us looking for long term care & we even had her signed up. LTC is in between nursing home where one is still somewhat ambulatory. She got off the meds, pitched a fit & never went into care. As months progressed, she saw times of improvement but morefall after fall, she was admitted then transferred to a nursing home. For her own good & safety.

Emotionally she did a number on PoPo & through guilt, she convinced him to spring her from the pokey. This was done with the understanding that they were trading the nursing home for in home health care. The caregiver showed up 3 days before she was “fired” because as we were told “all she does is sit & look at me”. That left PoPo who is not in much better shape to care for his ailing wife who is now 100% wheelchair bound.

The days all blur into one but a week, two, or three passed. B & (even me though I said I would never after the hell that was January when she accused me of trying to lock her away) are doing everything we can to help. All the things the home health would do, plus daily activities beyond the housekeeper who comes weekly. And we both work full time jobs.

This may seem stupid but my biggest worry is getting their mail. It is like playing frogger. Remember frogger? Splat! The mailbox is on the other side of the road that is frequently travelled by idiots speeding over the hill. One has to wear a safety vest when getting the mail in order to be seen. I want them to get a PO Box, they refuse. Or what about using our address? Still refuse. This is an accident waiting to happen & we always worried over PoPo when he was doing it & now he can’t.

For the past 4 nights, 3 of them had B running over to their place to pick MoMo up because she “slipped” while trying to go to the bathroom Last Saturday, when B was out of town, PoPo called the fire department who came & picked her up. We learned that tidbit after the fact. They didn’t want to guilt B for not being available & weren’t going to tell us but B found the paperwork.

Well last night, she didn’t just slip, she fell hard and busted her lips on the shower door. B runs over there, cleans her up, blood & everything else. PoPo & MoMo debated calling 911 but decided against it because she might be admitted then back to the nursing home. B stood by helpless, he tells me he can’t make them call 911 but we all know this can’t go on.

Anyway, I’m about out of steam, closing with this last little bit. We never know what anyone is really going through & the best we can do is be kind to one another. I need to remember that myself when I get upset, it could be worse. Not to minimize my pain but to deal with the realties & to redirect my thoughts to what is good in my life because there is good hidden in the shadows, dare I say there is pure joy which I only know because have experienced the opposite.

As always, more to come.

Featured image, her new ink … LOVE my baby girl.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ! 10/16/22

I don’t even remember much of last week, such a whirlwind. I had physical therapy twice on the same days I was in the office. On Friday, B & I took off to Rocksprings for a mini getaway which soothed our souls. We stopped for a very late lunch at a new restaurant in Kerrville – the Soaring Dragon with early bird specials 3-6 pm. My favorite bite on the planet is Wonton soup. Even over steak or lobster. Soaring Dragon did not disappoint so we’ll go back.

I almost got a goat video from the parking lot but B grabbed my phone & kept it in his pocket. I said no one will believe me without evidence, this is Texas sure enough & we can’t make this stuff up. I thought it’d provide comical relief. He said, nope goats are annoying as hell. Plus I knew it was true & that’s all that mattered. We were off the grid & I was breaking the rules we had loosely set for ourselves.

The remaining events all blur together but if I hadn’t posted it yet, B’s momma is in the nursing home. Once again the hospital released her too soon likely due to insurance. But this time, not home because she needs 24.7 care. Her knee is an open wound & until that clears, she is completely bedridden. There is a wound unit in the nursing home to help with this specific care. Every day is a rollercoaster. We are worried that poor PoPo won’t survive this, his heart is broken & he feels super guilty. Everyone in the peanut gallery having an opinion doesn’t help matters but fuck ’em. B & I are making plans for one day if this happens to us. Not going to leave others to randomly decide while in such a high emotional state. None of us are thinking clearly, we’re just rolling along day by day.

And with that, enough pouting. Here’s the weekly roll call …

#tshalloweenchallenge or @tourmalinenow

  • Spider 10/15/22 I was off the grid & only posted on Instagram to FB
  • Spooky 10/14/22
  • Cat 10/13/22
  • Ghost 10/12/22
  • Frog 10/11/22
  • Night 10/10/22
  • Owl 10/9/22

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

The Get Real Series Inaugural Debut ~ 10/9/22

I’m sprucing up the place, fixing the menu on my site to have my posts grouped in a better format. I’m also adding a brand new category called The Get Real Series. Today is a soft opening as I decide further what I will put here. Is this safe space only to be solely related to what I have subtly or not so subtly hinted at all these months? Or will I add real life posts of all varieties as they hit me?

I already have other categories for LIFE, still way too many sub-sections despite the new groupings which makes me think The Get Real Series will be exclusive. The thing is I’m not quite ready to come out of the shadows into full light to reveal the topic. And it’s not really real when I can’t say the one word which terrifies me most in this world. I don’t want to lose you & when I finally say what is slowly killing me, some (hopefully all of you) will say “Jilly, you worried for nothing”.

As always, more to come.