What Fresh Hell Is This? – J-Dub's Grin and Bear It

Friday Feels ~ 5/12/23

Published on 05/12/2023 by J-Dub4 Comments

Howdy, I think I figured out why my consecutive days in a row count got off track. Somehow my Monday haiku went into local changes & when I re-posted two days later, it erased the original date, showing a lapse. My three day streak is Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday, making today #4.

Boo Hiss

It is #4 plus 1751 or something like that. My notifications do not go back far enough to see where I was on Sunday 5/7/23 but if I knew, I could manually track this sH!t because to me it matters. No it doesn’t! Or shouldn’t matter because ya know, so many other things are more important. But as Charles tells me often, “don’t do that to yourself Jill. What matters to you MATTERS!” I think I sometimes believe this & I’m making head way in my therapy.

On other matters, my trip to the motherland is fast approaching. Ugh, why didn’t I pick July or August?!? Such a significance with 6/5, that I had to be there on that day. I’ve made some decisions that can be unmade again but I’m going in to protect my fragile heart. I’m doing this for me which brings up once again, my current favorite quote.

Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest on reciprocity,
C.S. Lewis

I’m mailing records to my found family which might duplicate what I shared with just one sister all with no expectation for response. I had myself convinced that another non-response would end me but I’m tougher than that. Snail mail slows the pace & I will never know if the non-response is simply, he didn’t get the post or he got it & threw it away before opening, or he got it & read it but doesn’t care, or he cares but cannot respond for other reasons. So many possibilities that I can rationalize away any hurt feelings. It’s not personal, or at least that is what I will tell myself. But damn it is, cuts to my core. Which is why I continue on with therapy to get to acceptance.

I’ll end with my dream from last night. First backstory, since I booked the trip, I’ve had reoccurring dreams (3 so far) that I meet & their dogs growl at me & they say “well see, we knew she was bad, dogs can always tell”. In my awake life I believe that with my whole heart. Dogs are awesome creatures. Last night I dreamt we met & the dog was wagging his tail like crazy, runs up to me like Buddy & Spot do, licking my face. I woke up as I was petting this dog I will never meet. I felt light & happy & that feeling persists.

As always, more to come.

Friday Free For All ~ 3/10/23

Published on 03/10/202303/09/2023 by J-Dub13 Comments

More health related rambling. Sacri-fucking-bleu. Or Sacribleu for short. LOL. Everything old is new again. I posted in a FB support group back in 2018 about a med I had started taking that worked for my chronic pain but how I played Google MD and stopped taking it for fear of dementia. Time blurs & I really thought it was more recent than 2018 but I also thought I stopped for fear of a heart attack. All I know for sure is I quit taking a med because of something that I read. I re-read the comments & the fine folks of that FB support group were VERY helpful.

Fast forward to March 8, 2023. My current doctor ordered tests & sent me to specialists, genuinely seemed to be trying to help me out. I went in for my 6 month check up only to learn her last day at the clinic is 4/14/23. She is starting her own practice which is great for her. I asked about following her since I need to make sure I can get my other not for pain meds. She said since she wants to take insurance, the set up takes 3-4 months longer. But yes, I can follow her when she is open again.

As I gave her the download about the specialists, there were two, I told her I still hurt. I mentioned the drug above (not naming the name here because shocker among shocker, I am not a doctor). She said something about T waves & watching for signs but that it should be ok to try again. Of course I misremembered & said nothing about dementia. Anyway, I have the RX in my hot little hand. I will have a six week follow up with one of the nurse practitioners since by then she will be gone from the clinic & not quite open at the new place. Makes me want to delay trying the new med until I can be seen by her again for sure. I’d also ask if this med will cause me to lose my mental faculties. Or I could just play Google MD again. Certifiable! Somebody stop me!

Not sure why I overthink this stuff but I do & I’m sure I will be without a doctor very soon. This makes me want to find a new doctor & set the appointment for September since it will likely take that long to get in anywhere else. Or do I roll the dice that my current doctor will be up & running in September? And what happens if I run out of my RX before then? Go to the doc in a box?

Maybe I’m making excuses to not start the new med. I’ll continue in pain because pain is what I deserve. Ugh! See what I mean. Ridiculous!

Follow me for more woe is me tips. I’d love to go back to bed. Spend the day there wallowing. Just one day of a pity party before I pick myself up, dust myself off, & start all over again.

As always more to come.

Friday Storytelling ~ 12/30/22

Published on 12/30/202212/29/2022 by J-Dub6 Comments

The plan was to read 4 books 📚 in 4 days but I’m savoring the last one. I’m waiting to be fully done before I write reviews. These are hardback library books for old times sake. I’ve graduated to Kindle but I’m skipping ahead in queue since the library books are express collection, no holds or renewals. I’ll be back to Kindle in the New Year. Absent book reviews, here’s a story instead.

It was a dark and stormy night !!

Oh good grief. Let’s start this again.

The doorbell startled her out of her reverie As she peeked through the glass in the front door, she saw two women huddled together. The night was bitter cold & sleeting, why would they brave the elements to be here?

She cracked open the door with a tentative “how may I help you?”

“I’m Barbara, I made my daughter bring me here. It’s about your brother, Paul.”

End scene 🎬 That really happened & the she is me a full five years before the terrible circumstances involving my brother were exposed. If only I had listened. Or maybe better I didn’t listen at the time because what was supposed to happen is what ultimately happened even with intermingled tragedy.

Until next time.

As always more to come

P.S. Totally unrelated. I’m drinking my one cup of coffee a day only on weekends with my Invisalign trays in! Who cares if the trays get stained. Least of my worries 😳 I get new trays each Tuesday anyways.

Friday Free For All ~ 12/16/22

Published on 12/16/202212/16/2022 by J-Dub11 Comments

And so it begins the downward descent into madness …

Life is not for the faint of heart. My mind is chaos. I had hoped to post something for book club today but I couldn’t wind down to read/finish my book. And it’s a GREAT story which would catapult me away where I could relax. Instead, my mind on overdrive, I thought, & thought, & thought about a wide variety of topics. My brain was a whirling dervish. Oh how I love that word.

Some of my pondering was exceptional like everything surrounding my baby girl’s birthday but intertwined with joy was so much angst, which if I had followed through would be subject for my get real series fodder. I could release the hounds without vagueness. And I’m trying to get help for this very niche problem but resources are seriously lacking. In absence of that, here is some other stuff on our plate that I do freely share. Get out the tissues y’all.

I don’t remember where I left off in this ever evolving story. It’s but one of many things we are dealing with right now – my mother in law’s continued decline. B’s mom, I wish I could add dear sweet adjectives but truthfully she was more manipulative. Notice I wrote WAS. Now she is just far gone. And it is sad. I would not wish her circumstances on my worst enemy. This all began in January of 2022 with repeated falls and trips to the ER. One very bad reaction to medication had us looking for long term care & we even had her signed up. LTC is in between nursing home where one is still somewhat ambulatory. She got off the meds, pitched a fit & never went into care. As months progressed, she saw times of improvement but morefall after fall, she was admitted then transferred to a nursing home. For her own good & safety.

Emotionally she did a number on PoPo & through guilt, she convinced him to spring her from the pokey. This was done with the understanding that they were trading the nursing home for in home health care. The caregiver showed up 3 days before she was “fired” because as we were told “all she does is sit & look at me”. That left PoPo who is not in much better shape to care for his ailing wife who is now 100% wheelchair bound.

The days all blur into one but a week, two, or three passed. B & (even me though I said I would never after the hell that was January when she accused me of trying to lock her away) are doing everything we can to help. All the things the home health would do, plus daily activities beyond the housekeeper who comes weekly. And we both work full time jobs.

This may seem stupid but my biggest worry is getting their mail. It is like playing frogger. Remember frogger? Splat! The mailbox is on the other side of the road that is frequently travelled by idiots speeding over the hill. One has to wear a safety vest when getting the mail in order to be seen. I want them to get a PO Box, they refuse. Or what about using our address? Still refuse. This is an accident waiting to happen & we always worried over PoPo when he was doing it & now he can’t.

For the past 4 nights, 3 of them had B running over to their place to pick MoMo up because she “slipped” while trying to go to the bathroom Last Saturday, when B was out of town, PoPo called the fire department who came & picked her up. We learned that tidbit after the fact. They didn’t want to guilt B for not being available & weren’t going to tell us but B found the paperwork.

Well last night, she didn’t just slip, she fell hard and busted her lips on the shower door. B runs over there, cleans her up, blood & everything else. PoPo & MoMo debated calling 911 but decided against it because she might be admitted then back to the nursing home. B stood by helpless, he tells me he can’t make them call 911 but we all know this can’t go on.

Anyway, I’m about out of steam, closing with this last little bit. We never know what anyone is really going through & the best we can do is be kind to one another. I need to remember that myself when I get upset, it could be worse. Not to minimize my pain but to deal with the realties & to redirect my thoughts to what is good in my life because there is good hidden in the shadows, dare I say there is pure joy which I only know because have experienced the opposite.

As always, more to come.

Featured image, her new ink … LOVE my baby girl.

Nervous Nelly ~ 7/9/22

Published on 07/09/202207/09/2022 by J-Dub10 Comments

I used to fancy myself as a intuitive person, dare I say someone who had ESP. I have examples of times where I predicted things before they happened. Of course mostly it was luck. Or maybe a bit of educated guessing.

These predictions would always start with the butterflies. That unsettling feeling. That tingle that won’t quit. And I have that today. Right at this moment. Which is why I come here to release the anxiety.

My nerves are like spurs that jingle jangle jingle. If that makes any sense? I have the feeling of foreboding doom. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

B’s mom has been in the hospital for a week. Sadly she rolled out of bed, hit her head on the nightstand, had to be put back into bed, but knowing that something wasn’t quite right, EMS was summoned. At first they wanted B to follow the ambulance because they were sure she would not be admitted. Taking her was just a precaution (or to avoid malpractice). However after a day and a half in the ER, waiting for a bed to open up, she was finally admitted.

At first it was a bit like the Keystone cops. Everyone was running into each other. Figuratively not literally. I think there were four or five different telephone numbers given out because of the room situation. And while she had her cell phone, it was likely out of battery and even if the was charged she has to this day no clue how to use it.

Can you imagine being in the hospital alone, not really understanding anything, with your husband and son frantically trying to get a hold of you? They couldn’t even get a status. Until yesterday that is. Diagnosis: She has been having mini strokes for quite some time. The fall gave her a concussion. She has a very large bruise from where she fell as well to the point where she’s insisting she broke her arm when she didn’t. She is in and out of lucidity. The dementia has been coming on for quite some time. Some of her prior episodes were thought to be reactions to medicine. But now the doctors think it was the strokes all along. Her MRI is showing the evidence.

On Thursday, she turned 79. Too young for this stuff to already be happening. But life choices, had other ideas. Sadly and quite honestly the dirty laundry is that even 20 years ago little Lulu remembers her Grandma drinking her bubbly at 9 o’clock in the morning. And continuing throughout the days upon days upon days. Maybe that’s something I should’ve kept quiet about it. Nope, this calls for honesty, it is what it is, and maybe her story can be a PSA to others. In hindsight, I have to wonder, if we had said something sooner, would she have tried to stop? Not that it matters really because we can’t re-create the past. Time to move forward.

B & Pony are at the place in Rocksprings today. They almost stayed home because you know his mom/grandma is in the hospital. But B decided to go since there isn’t anything he can do but wait. He might as well work/keep busy. And I sit here nervous, worried to pieces that we will get the call while he is gone.

Alrighty folks. Let me let you go. I’m gonna walk this off. I have found that movement can be a cure to what ails you

As always, more to come

Get Real Series: Not to be a Brat but … 5/23/22

Published on 05/23/202205/23/2022 by J-Dub7 Comments

***** trigger ⚠️ warning ⛔️ *****

May is mental health awareness month. Accordingly my company is posting one message a day on its Intranet. I admire that they are trying to do something. Truly I do. And not to be a brat but…

In today’s story of gentlemen wrote of his daughter mental health diagnosis. I will not elaborate and/or minimize her struggles. My initial thought was we need more of this, people willing to speak up. As I started to reply my comments twisted and took a different theme. A not so nice one. A bit of ire underneath what would’ve been well wishes. Not for the gentleman and his daughter but for the system. I made it about ME. And God help me I hate that about myself. So I canceled my comment before it went large.

This is what I almost wrote… Thank you <insert name> for being vulnerable to share your family’s story. I’m glad you found help for your daughter. For every one person that speaks up, hundreds more are suffering in silence. The stigma/fear/shame are real. The social services are lacking. We are fortunate to have FMLA and a job that allows us to concentrate on what’s most important. Many do not.

I could’ve gone on and on and on with my diatribe. I could wallow about our experience with Lulu who at the tender age of 16 suffered with suicidal ideation. How she used to cut herself. How she binge ate her way to oblivion to get through the stress of college. Who is now skinny as a rail having mastered her fate. Who still struggles daily with self doubt and worse yet in those struggles, shows a fierce determination and strength beyond her years.

I could go on and on about the broken system. Elaborate with intimate detail what we went through to find help. To be turned away. To be further harmed. Hell, we went through fresh hell. But I haven’t the energy. And I’m not sure it’s productive. I firmly believe one should come with a solution not a complaint. In other words, whining about a broken system doesn’t fix said system. With that I’m FIN. For now. Until the next dust up.

If you take away anything from this rant, know you aren’t alone even when it feels like it. We are legion. Not just in May but year round ❤️‍🩹

As always more to come.

Who Let the Dogs Out? ~ 4/11/22

Published on 04/11/2022 by J-Dub12 Comments

Releasing the hounds … yet again. In no particular order but all medical related. Stop now if med stuff is TMI. Voyers welcome. I’m a nut.

You might remember my CT that was denied, then approved, then completed on 3/25/22 turned out to cost $592 out of pocket. My early ciphering was off making the no insurance cost of $790 more than for those with insurance. Still a scam with the un/underinsured bearing the brunt of the house of cards that is health insurance.

The CT found a lil something insignificant … a dilated vein which is why PCP referred me to a vascular surgeon. I had that appointment on 4/7/22. And reflected on it yesterday. Oh and my hernia is still there even if not remarked upon in this CT. I was told they just don’t go away. Small hernias show on almost any CT but there’s nothing to do for them unless, they get big. If the hernia is bad enough my stomach would be displaced but it isn’t. Do I believe them? No because my tummy hurts dammit. Equally renal cysts can cause no pain but there they are … a whole colony. Yep I’m making stuff up = MSU. Who knows if cysts form colonies? Sound good though don’t it?

Well the vein place called me back because they want my money. Doh! Because they want to help me. Do you have a driver? Uh ya. B said just do it, so I’m having the test done. Worried about yet another set of x-rays via the venogram and an IV that my one good vein may not take. But per the surgeon, this test is the only way to rule out pelvic congestion syndrome (PCS). Every CT for the last 5 years mentions it. Guess ruling out PCS is a good thing.

I called Aetna. Will you cover this? They look and tell me nothing was submitted yet. Then she went on a diatribe that anything more than ultrasound or basic x-ray needs pre-auth and yes it will be expensive if they sedate me. I wanna be sedated (ear worm). I don’t really wanna be sedated but oh well what the hell. I half snark tell her in 12 years, my CTs were never pre-auth until 2022 but I’ll play your game and call the vein place back.

Spoke to vein place. They got me on the schedule as of our earlier phone call. Two others ahead of me based on time submitted but she would start working to get the insurance part done for me after since first in first out. I told her about the pre-auth. She scoffed and agreed to call me back with a status. Which she did about 45 minutes later.

Sure enough, as I suspected, this venogram passed with flying fucking colors. NO pre auth NEEDED. Here when I maybe want insurance to say really? A minimally invasive procedure to rule out what you know is highly unlikely? But nope, right through the pipeline. So much for anything more than ultrasound or basic x-ray require a pre-auth. Instead the nonsense I had with the prior CT denial was the random, we deny every 10 or so to save the company money. And whether true or not, I do not know. This rant is purely my opinion.

Ugh! Analysis paralysis. I don’t wanna but I’m gonna. I hope the awful phone answering during my exam PA is not who runs my test. But my luck, well ya never know.

As always, more to come.

The Results Are In ~ 3/28/22

Published on 03/28/2022 by J-Dub30 Comments

Ugh! I was given my CT scan results with a comparison to 2017, 2019, and 2021 scans. I don’t understand how things disappeared. Cysts yes, they can come and go but hernias and deteriorated discs that are crumbling? Those don’t heal themselves. Do they?

I was left with one concern which requires a referral to a vascular surgeon. With a very clear reinforcement that this isn’t urgent. It does NOT automatically mean I need surgery only that a consultation is in order for further diagnosis.

This condition supposedly left behind is called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome (PCS). Past scans have shown this before but I was told PCS doesn’t cause the pain I’m describing. Plus PCS is a younger lady’s ailment. Also, it’s rare even if those under 40. I’m not that unique. The description of who gets this doesn’t truly fit me.

The final difference is that PCS gets worse when standing and better to lie down. Mine is the opposite. Standing stretches me out to release the heavy feeling. When I lie down, I feel somewhat better than I do sitting but no real relief. Constant pain I tell ya! C.O.N.S.T.A.N.T !!!!!

I’ll play this game, I’ll see your $1 and raise you $2. I’m going to the consult. See what this new doctor tells me. I hope my dilated vein doesn’t rupture before I can get in. Too close to what happened to my brother-in-law D. Oy Vey.

I also need to find a new PCP and begin again. No looking at past records for jaded opinions. Like I have amnesia, I can’t remember. Let the games begin all over again.

As always, more to come.

P.S. the real kicker is when I called to schedule the consultation, they found me in the system from 2005-ish. They had my landline which is how I could determine the time frame. We moved here in January of 2000. Changed the phone number to the one they had. Didn’t cancel that landline until we’d been here about 4-5 years. I have zero recollection of getting a vascular consult before now. She was unable to provide more details for me to sleuth around & figure out what happened. Guess I flaked out completely. Oh well, better late than never.

Ta-ta for now 🙂

Aging Parent & the Covid Chronicles ~ 1/16/22

Published on 01/16/202201/16/2022 by J-Dub14 Comments

What a whirlwind week. My mother in law isn’t doing well at all. Two hospital visits in short succession. She is back home as of this writing but for how long? Did you know when you call EMS, you get taken to the hospital even if you don’t need it? Yep, EMS cannot make that determine only a doctor can so if you call, you get carted in. Otherwise there could be a malpractice claim or some such. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that. The second hospital run on Friday was for a nose bleed. Yep. There was no need to take her in at all but in she went anyway because in a panic PoPo called them.

Then yesterday, B and Pony were going to go to our place in the hill country for some r&r but they were called back for another emergency. PoPo was frantic, rightfully so but he called B instead of the ambulance. Took three of them to get her into a more upright position. She was having trouble breathing but it turned out to be a panic attack. She took our last at home covid test and when she saw she was negative, she calmed down. She was sure she got “IT” at the hospital on Friday. And she could have still. We’ll have to wait and see. Can’t wait for Wednesday when we can order our tests for at home – four per household.

The nice part (if there’s anything nice about the Rona daze) is we minimize our exposure. Lulu is a permanent remote worker. Pony’s company is taking a wait and see approach and he’s at home until end of the month at least. Me? I get to choose and until this uptick in cases dies down, I’m staying put. B is the only one going out to work right now. All four of us are double vaccinated and boosted and all four of us wear KN95 masks if indoors in a peopley place. B even wears his mask on the job which is outdoors but still peopley. We’ve come to the conclusion of not if but when and it’ll come in through B. Or who knows maybe all the precautions will work to keep things at bay?

Back to MoMo. She needs to be in a nursing home. When the subject was broached, she came unglued. We stopped the convo immediately lest she stroke out right there in front of us. Thing is she NEEDS 24/7 care. B can’t keep running over there in the middle of the night because she incoherent and PoPo can’t get help her. PoPo is not back to 100% yet from his broken leg either. He’s frustrated that he cannot do everything for her but sad fact is he can’t. And even if he was in better shape himself, nursing is a profession requiring lots of training. PoPo is not a nurse. This is groundhog day. PoPo’s mom sweet Tutu was put in a nursing home because they realized she needed more care than they could give her in their home. MoMo was fine with that. Now that she needs the same type of care, she’s being ornery.

Of course there are people out there thinking how bad we are for not keeping her at home. Calling us selfish even. Maybe we are being selfish? Or maybe we’re feeling guilty? MoMo has never been an easy person to deal with. Let’s just say it’s complicated.

Here’s a plug for long term care insurance. Just do it! B and I have it since we were in our 20s. People think the coverage is for older folk only but anyone can need long term care. Think car wrecks and such. Now all we need is to get our pre-arranged funeral plans in order.

I’ve already told the kids if I get this way … like MoMo … to just drop me off in the hill country somewhere on our property. I’ll wonder around until nature takes its course. They can even assist me if they’d like by pushing me off the highest point on the place down into the ravine. Just make sure my death is instant. Doh! Humor even dark humor is what is called for right now. This too shall pass. God willing and the creek don’t rise.

As always, more to come.