Thursday Thoughts with a Side of Poetry ~ 6/23/22

I have always written to release the hounds. I graduated from a cute little diary with lock and key to spiral notebooks. At the start, I had no idea why I was compelled to put pen to paper. For me, the writing process was therapeutic. A time of slowing down the thoughts into some semblance of organization, to make sense of the chaos forever swirling in my brain.

In a recent Swedish death clean, I reread my spirals, then promptly recycled them. Destroyed the evidence of my wild crazy days. Ah to be young again. But I digress. The purge saves Pony and Lulu from having to decide what to do with my things. I want to spare them that duty.

Sounds like I’m preparing to die y’all because now I can die happy. Something very small and inconsequential to others has happened to me to validate my existence. When I say die, I mean figuratively die (or let go). Though I’ve yet to receive a proper diagnosis which makes anything possible but I’m managing day by day.

Okay, time to land the plane. Throughout my childhood journals, I doodled, copied quotes, and wrote poetry. Scattered all among the prose where pearls of wisdom that I collected by observing everyday life. Like no other form of writing, poetry was where any bad feelings flowed onto the page. If journaling worked before to keep the pain at bay, maybe it’ll work again? Dusting off my mad skillz. Without further ado, here goes nothing …

my heart is full


creating a palpable

sense of urgency

to make up for

what might have been

hide what hurts

deep inside

for what was lost


never final

until done

I might refer back here as a landing page for my Get Real series where I plan on sharing more of my “stuff”. Or not. I’m still on the fence.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 6/19/22

First off, Happy Father’s Day to all the daddios out there. May your day be full of joy. I’m not up to much so quick roll call then it is off to celebrate the remainder of the day to honor Big B squared & his dad, our PoPo, the guy who helped build the Internet.

  • Sunday 6/12/22 – #SLS
  • Monday 6/13/22 – haiku
  • Tuesday 6/14/22 – Share Your World
  • Wednesday 6/15/22 – #linerWeds. if it doesn’t hurt, it can always help
  • Thursday 6/16/22 – Thoughts – the words we choose to call each other
  • Friday 6/17/22 – Ramblings & Phone a Friend – watch Ms. Marvel on Disney+
  • Saturday 6/18/22 – #SoCS – bonus points after getting carried away with a memory from high school

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/16/22

A rose by any other name … Storytime on lil Jilly’s blog – Random things I’m thinking about …

When B and I got engaged, one of the first things my soon to be mother-in-law said to me was “well don’t call me mom, you’ve already got one of those”. I was immediately offended because I am oh so sensitive and wear my heart on my sleeve. I know we were only 19& 20 and she thought we were too young to marry but dang talk about putting up an immediate wall.

I grew up calling my friend’s moms “mom” most of the time. As a term of endearment. Not everybody is so keen on that idea.

Maybe there are more people out there like my mother-in-law where names or how you address someone is rigid/formal dare I say cold? It’s sad to me when people have been married for years with children and grandchildren and everything that life puts you through who still address their mother-in-law as Mrs. <insert last name>. At least Mary let me call her by her first name. And now thanks to the kiddos, she is MoMo.

I surely do not want to be called Mrs. Dub. By anybody! Nope, that’s not for me. I’d like a fun nickname. Oh wait, I’ve got several of those. Y’all know that I have a thing for nicknames. Jilly, J-Dub, Jilly-Willy, Chili, and more.

You might also know I disliked my name growing up. Mainly because of all the Jack & Jill kidding I put up with. Oh how unoriginal boys in the 4th grade. Yes I have my crown and my pail of water. Lol.

I also have Ponyboy, Lulu, or B / Big B squared who have forgotten what their real names are because they go by these nicknames. My newest Tia, Auntie Renee is the same with nicknames.

So, what do you say party people? What’s your preference? Formal, informal, or something in between. Like the ole gag says, you can call me anything, just don’t call me late for dinner.

Ba-dum-tis went the drums and the cymbals.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 6/12/22

Two days in a row I took tentative steps to rejoin the human race. I’m the only dorkalina in a mask still unless it is a socially distanced pic in front of Van Gogh or eating on a picnic table on the patio of LaLa’s with no other customers around but that’s ok. Vaccinated twice and double boosted could be the charm. I’ll be sticking that Covid test swab right up my nose, to get the hybrid train rolling, unless I panic & escape back to the four walls within my home that have become a prison. Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.

And I had been going into the office July 2021 through March 2022 but life intervened with the in-laws’ health which frankly isn’t any better but staying close to home has become an excuse. My chronic pain is flaring up and that is also another reason to stay put. But saw the doctor Thursday and we have a plan. Fingers crossed.

And in other news, well I still need to process things. I’ll be as vague and full of mystery as possible. Definitely will spill the tea as the kiddos say but only as it relates to me. Before I get any more cryptic, here is the roll call.

  • Sunday 6/5/22 – #SLS and A Side of Angst (in absence of evidence, I made stuff up, then things sort of got better. My life shifted on this day at 4:11 CST to be exact)
  • Monday 6/6/22 – Haiku – rise & divide
  • Tuesday 6/7/22 – Share Your World
  • Wednesday 6/8/22 – #1linerWeds.
  • Thursday 6/9/22 – Thoughts
  • Friday 6/10/22 – Ramble
  • Saturday 6/11/22 – #SoCS

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/9/22

I have a doctor’s appointment via telemed at 3:15 today. Not gonna lie, I’m shaking in my shoes nervous. I blew off the painful/invasive procedure that I wrote about HERE. I know my doctor thinks I’m a drug seeking quack but in my notes from her predecessor my file says I am drug adverse. Well excuuuuse meeee if I don’t want to be her guinea pig taking drugs to treat symptoms without a known cause. And have you seen my daily pill count?

I take Crestor for high cholesterol, Vitamin D, Magnesium, Calcium, Zinc, Acidophilus and a colon health probiotic. My pee is vitamin fortified I tell ya what. TMI but I read that somewhere. All those supplements likely don’t help the way we think they do and go straight to flush. I figure they can’t hurt.

I stopped taking tylenol or ibuprofen because I didn’t want to destroy my liver but now the pain is such that ya, I’m taking it. Doesn’t even take the edge off though. I hope this appointment will get me back on track to a firm diagnosis. And once I get a firm diagnosis, I will jump on the pill popping band wagon. Like a diabetic takes insulin, there has to be a cause and effect.

B, medical doctor that he is, says “it’s your back” and that my back can cause pain that radiates. And yes I have slight scoliosis and all the osteo stuff. Maybe he is right? But something is twisted in the front which goes straight to the bones. For the life of my I can’t understand why nothing definitive shows on the CT or MRI. There are quite a few remarks in all the notes which have been dismissed by the doctor. Something is there. I’m sure of it.

Wish me luck. Ta-Ta for now.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 6/5/22

Just a roll call today. Pain has become unbearable and sitting hurts. Here we go …

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 6/2/22

Pony and I were going to take a trip together this month. But procrastination has resulted in a need for Plan B. I think I will still take off the time, lord knows I’ve got enough to use before I lose it. I just dislike wasting perfectly good time on being a couch slug.

I may have hinted at some big things going on behind the scenes. I drop easter eggs all over the place. And by easter egg, I am liberalizing the meaning which is …  a message, image, or feature hidden in software, a video game, a film, or another, usually electronic, medium. This blog is an electronic medium isn’t it? As is Twitter. I think I’m being clever one moment then in the next I think you’ve got my number. I’m F. I. N. E. fine which we all know is eff’ed up, insecure, neurotic, emotional. Check!

Speaking of Twitter, I had three accounts. I forgot about my 2014 account @JillJDub, linked to this blog. @JillyBeans is the handle I created in 2017 because I spaced on already having an account. Quite by accident, I found @JillyBeans open with notifications. Then I closed it. Don’t need two Twitter accounts for irl stuff. My alternate account opened in 2021 shall remain incognito for now. Funny how the alternate is where I am my most true self. Free from the worry of alienating family and friends. Instead I will alienate strangers all day long. lol

I did something I regret and now I wait for potential repercussions. I’m really MSU waiting for the other shoe to drop. If only I had practiced the pause. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I would’ve always wondered what if? Instead with this final act, I’m done. Consequences come what may. Adhering to a restraining order should be easy considering we reside in different states.

Do I really think, that is the path which will be pursued? Nope. I’m preparing for the worst while expecting the best. And I’ll settle for being ignored. As rude and disrespectful as that is, I’m going with silence is golden instead of silence howls. Maybe silence can do both? I can’t control much except for my reactions.

And with that ta-ta until next time.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 5/29/22

What day is it? That happens when I take time off and truly disconnect. Time warps itself just a little more than usual. I almost wrote 21 as I typed the date in the title as if I was thrown back to 2021. Doh! I don’t wanna go back. Onward through the fog and boy howdy have things been foggy. But I won’t write about that. Instead I will continue in this state of disconnection, free floating, what I want to when I want to – ness.

Oh and we’ve had visitors from WI to see my in-laws for what they know will be the last time. A schoolmate died this week putting things into perspective. Time is short. They were not visiting for the funeral, the trip was previously planned with all the mess that happened earlier this year. My mother-in-law gave an impression that they could travel when they can barely get from one room to another inside their home. The friends booked two extra days thinking they could get in one final trip in to Eagle Pass to gamble but that fell apart when they realized quickly things were worse than they’d been led to believe.

Alrighty, the roll call is not going to roll itself. Here we go …

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 5/22/22

Starting with some gratitude, we got rain. We also got our #4 boost. And I had a place to lounge around all day yesterday “recuperating”. Crap adjacent keeps happening sadly. A dear coworker is gone way too soon. May mental health month is bringing things out to the light but we’re still no closer to solutions. B’s mom is still in the hospital. She’s talking out of her head, not getting much better. She forgot everything about her Thursday doctor’s appointment and keeps calling PoPo to say she was abandoned. To hurry up and come get her! Ugh 😦

Without further ado, here’s a quick roll call.

  • Sunday 5/15/22 – #SLS
  • Monday 5/16/22 – Haiku – king and queen
  • Tuesday 5/17/22 – #SYW
  • Wednesday 5/18/22 – #1linerWeds. – this was my 39 high school graduation & we finished re-watching Stranger Things in preparation for season 4 on 5/27/22
  • Thursday – 5/19/22 – Thoughts
  • Friday 5/20/22 – Feature
  • Saturday 5/21/22 – #SoCS

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.