What the Fuck?!?!?

Now that I have your attention.  Really I am asking what the fuck???

My rant today is sponsored by Healthcare in America is going to hell in a hand basket.  Bend over and get yours!!!!!

I have excellent health insurance.  Top notch as they say.  My employer is the bomb diggity.  I won’t name the carrier but trust me considering the alternatives, this carrier is fan-freaking-tastic.

So you’re probably wondering, why am I angry?  Well it all started when I received a letter from my doctor’s office saying Dr. So-And-So is no longer with us and we really do not have anyone taking her place so you are shit out of luck.  Okay maybe not exactly that but similar.

Today I go to the insurance carrier’s directory to find a new doctor who is in network.  Out of 3353 doctors, I narrow my search to 153.  You’d think it’d be easy to get someone good from that amount. Keeping only those rated 4s and 5s on a scale of 1-5. I have about seven options.  In all fairness, most are not rated at all but there were some 1s from which I wanted to steer clear.

I call to set up an annual appointment.  The first two are not accepting new patients.  I get that, they are full.  

The next one tells me that they are a cash only outfit and will not take any insurance.  The cost is $287 per visit and afterwards I can claim it and insurance will reimburse part of it under out of network coverage.  “But you are on our directory” I say.  They reply “we have been trying to get our name off that list for two years”

Now here is the fuck you part.  I call a 4th place and I am told very nicely that “yes in January, we will be accepting new patients but we are a concierge/boutique practice.  Have I heard of that?”  “Why no” I answer, “I have not”.  Well, she explains “you become a member for a price of $2500 per person per year.  Then we see you when you need us, no wait, no fuss, no muss‚ÄĚ I ask, “and insurance pays this?”  She replies, “No not usually though some will give a percentage”  “Then you do not take insurance?”  “Oh no, we do‚ÄĚ And the kicker is they still bill my carrier and insurance pays the agreed amount for my care after the $2500 just to be an exclusive member.  So basically the $2500 is so that I can say screw you have-nots.  I am a HAVE!  I am getting care “that is a cut above‚ÄĚ Those were her words … our care is a cut above. To which I reply “Well I certainly hope so!!!!!”  Oh and by the way, she told me that more doctors are going to this arrangement.

Sad that due to overcrowding or whatever the hell else you want to call it, boutique clinics are popping up.  The membership fees cover/make up for the lower volume of patients.  This leaves some folks out in the cold.  

Trying to find a silver lining, I think but maybe you get what you pay for and the cost is worth it to have only the best care.  Still sad that others cannot afford this extra cost and me, well I can but not in the long run.  How often have I left an office visit feeling rushed through, just a number?  Why am I still in pain without a firm diagnosis?  Too often.  However you view this, the bottom line is finding a good doctor is much harder than it should be.  I mean really out of 153 names???  Ugh!!

I’d write more but I need to cool down and I have exceeded my 500 word maximum :). 


As always, more to come.

A Cry For Help

I fear my daughter is binge eating. I do not know the extent at this time.  I only have circumstantial evidence but said evidence is strong indicating that something is going on.  This is not story I ever wanted to write but the secrecy is taking its‚Äô toll and who knows maybe someone out there can help or has suggestions and encouragement.  

The mister would be livid to know I am doing this but I am doing this anyway because it is all I can do.  The choice to stay silent and do nothing fills me with dread.  I am not an expert on what is happening but if I have to make this my life‚Äôs new work, I will.  What I have read rocks me to my core.  I see no end and help is out of reach.  I’ve always been a worse case scenario type while the mister is the opposite.  My rational mind knows the truth is probably something in between.  Bottom line is if she does not want to be helped, nothing will work.  She has to want to it. Right now she is in denial.  She has lied to me.  

I am very sad and not functioning properly. Two nights is a row with almost no sleep.  I must get a grip.  I am trying my best to be patient so that I do not react too quickly and/or overreact and make matters worse. I fear that confronting her and making her own up to something that has to be the root cause of so much shame and pain will only make matters worse.  

My therapist is helping me.  Her opinion is that confrontation could cause a spiral.  I know my child (even with her secrets) and confronting her now would cause irreparable harm.  Push her right over the edge.  My baby needs this to cope (maladjusted coping but coping nonetheless) and without it she could possibly resort to something much worse. I believe to her the  worst thing possible would be to know that we (her parents) know her secret.  So I watch and wait in a powerless position; I am ready to swoop in if/when there is real proof of something life threatening.  I hope I don’t regret this choice and reach a point of no return.  

Support with unconditional love is hard.  Sometimes love is not enough yet in absence of control not sure what else to do but love without judgment.  Hanging on tight for dear life and praying.  

As always, more to come.  

Falling behind? I think not!

Sharing goodness. Andrei writes”There‚Äôs a magic beyond us that works in ways we can‚Äôt understand.”. I will take that with me today. Timing is impeccable; I really needed to see this!

THOUGHT AVENUE: Speak your mind


Timing is the one thing that we often forget to surrender to.

Things are dark until they‚Äôre not. Most of our unhappiness stems from the belief that our lives should be different than they are. We believe we have control‚Ää‚ÄĒ‚Ääand our self-loathing and self-hatred comes from this idea that we should be able to change our circumstances, that we should be richer or hotter or better or happier. While self-responsibility is empowering, it can often lead to this resentment and bitterness that none of us need to be holding within us. Hear me out on this: We have to put in our best efforts and then give ourselves permission to let whatever happens to happen‚ÄĒand to not feel so directly and vulnerably tied to outcomes. Opportunities often don‚Äôt show up in the way we think they will.

You don’t need more motivation or inspiration to create the life you want…

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Forgiveness Is Just Another “F” Word

Last Saturday Billy Bob and I spent time with all our kids.  Pony and Wise came over since Lulu was home from school.  They brought us a turkey which they had been given at work. That turkey is thawing in my refrigerator and is what we will eat tomorrow evening.  We also broke bread together and went to the movies.  Nothing out of the ordinary yet exceptional because spending time together is extraordinary.  Life is short, time well spent is precious.

When they arrived here, Billy Bob was still painting.  The rest of us were inside talking.  All week we had been trying to pin down Billy Bob on our Thanksgiving Day plans.  The conversation went something like this:

Pony “Did Lulu tell you?¬† If Momo and Popo¬†will be¬†here, then Wise and I¬†will just see you later”

Wise “Don’t be that way”

Pony “What way? I can’t forgive her and I can’t stand to see her”

Me “I¬†was¬†going to lie … tell them we are not doing¬†anything and that you have to work”

Me continued “but your dad won’t lie which is why so far he had not told them anything”

Pony “I know you think I should forgive them but I can’t”

Lulu “Here’s what mom told me, forgiving them is not for THEM, it is for YOU!”

Me “Yes the hatred¬†is eating¬†you alive. ¬†You are only making yourself¬†sick, tired and angry. ¬†You think they feel bad? ¬†Newsflash, they don’t! ¬†You can only control your reaction. ¬† If your dad can forgive them, you should too”

Pony “I think we should lie. What was he going to do anyway? ¬†Tell them you’re not invited to Thanksgiving because we’d rather see Pony and Wise than to see you”

Me “Yes, that’s about right. ¬†It is honest. ¬†Brutally so but honest”

Pony “Dammit, too bad¬†he is not more like us … you know something missing inside. ¬†Lol”

Pony continued, tearing up “And it is not about selling the ranch. ¬†That fucking sucked. ¬†But that is just dirt. ¬†I am pissed because of what this did to him. ¬†I can‚Äôt forget the day when we were clearing off all our stuff. ¬†The last day there ever! ¬†Before we left,¬†we went to D’s grave one last time. ¬†And I saw that look on his face. ¬†Only about 3 seconds before it was gone. ¬†It was ANGUISH mom, that’s his brother. ¬†Plus I still think she¬†didn’t need to do this. ¬†She chose to do this among other options”

All I could do was hug him. ¬†My first born son. ¬†The ties that bind us run so very deep. ¬†And then he says “Fuck it, they can come and we’ll be here too”

Here’s to hoping you do not read about us in the metro section of the SA Express newspaper or hear about us on the 6 o’clock news. ¬†Happy Day Before Turkey Day to All of You!

As always, more to come.



Does anybody ever really know anyone?

while cleaning yesterday, I uncovered one of my journals. ¬†Pre blog private thoughts. I have kept a journal my whole entire life … doing so was a coping mechanism … a way to deal with my innermost demons. ¬†I’ve got quite a few secrets that’s for sure. ¬†We all do. ¬†Does anybody ever really know anyone anyway?

No, no we don’t. ¬†Especially here in the virtual world where we can spin who we are into something more appealing. ¬†Even in “real” life we put our best foot forward taking care to hide any flaws.

My blog so far has been absolutely liberating and I’ve shared so much. ¬†Yet some secrets are left on written paper; I’m not willing to share them in the virtual world. ¬† Those few off limit topics are ones I guess I’ll take to my grave.

And it’s in the secrecy that I am struggling. ¬† Because I ¬†got such a therapeutic relief from sharing it’s almost as if I’m on a high craving that feeling again. ¬† I wonder am I brave enough to reveal who I really am?

As always, more to come.

Sharing Cost Savings Strategies

… or sharing my neurosis, you decide. ¬† My mom was a garage sale shopper. ¬†My dad lived through the Great Depression. ¬†Some of their frugal ways rubbed off on me. ¬†Some of my frugal ways are ridiculous.

Here is a perfect example. ¬†My car needs to be inspected. ¬†There is a 7 day grace period. ¬†I used to purposefully wait until the 1st of the following month so that in 12 long years my inspection would be free! ¬†Lol! now if that is not completely ridiculous. ¬†I have never even owned a car for longer than 9 years. Though keeping our vehicles long¬†after they have been paid off is another thing we do to save $$. My car¬†doesn’t need to look pretty, it just has to get me from point A to point B without breaking down.

Today for the first time ever, I got my car inspected before the end of the month when it was due.  I did this because Texas now combines vehicle registration with inspection.  The guy at Express Lube got me in and out.  I am quite certain there was no inspection done but oh well.  I got the paperwork so yippe and I am off!!!

I head to HEB¬†business office with my renewal form, my proof of insurance and my proof of inspection. ¬†Pleasant surprise, the clerk did not need any of it. ¬†I was in the system! ¬†Now that has to save somebody $$ somewhere :). ¬†I also got sugar and dish soap which I forgot yesterday. ¬†Hill country fair brand sugar of course, couldn’t even spring the 40 cents¬†extra for HEB brand and heaven¬†forbid I go $1 more to get Imperial pure cane sugar. ¬†Now that’s an extravagance we can all live without. ¬†Wouldn’t you agree ?? Lawd YES!

As¬†I walk away, registration in hand, I over analyze. ¬†I am bummed that I didn’t bother to find out if the registration has the same grace period. ¬†I’m still twitching :). ¬†I should have done the math! Twitch, twitch, twitch. Ugh!

I’ve got a dozen or more examples. ¬†I have a tendency towards this compulsive behavior. ¬†That’s why I don’t clean my house! ¬†Lol ūüôā Big B squared does. ¬†He can just clean like a normal person. ¬†Me, once I get started, I go deep, looking into nooks and crannies that do not need looking into. ¬†If I wasn’t such a cheapo, I’d buy a Swiffer extender thingy and clean my ceiling fans ala Jason aka OM. ¬†But nope, I’ll stand atop a bar stool and reach with an old sock spritzed with faux Pledge because the name brand Pledge costs too much. Lol! ¬†Can you dig it?!?? ¬†I knew that you could. ¬†Quick – squirrel what movie is that line from?!??! ¬†Obscure, nope … a hit in the late 70s. ¬†Bonus to anyone who guesses. ¬†Three tries. ¬†C’mon, you know you want to guess.

Now come on J-Dub, where is this going? ¬†Nowhere, just musing and rambling. ¬†Like always. ¬†Out of my rabbit hole and back to task. ¬†Nope! ¬†Stop! ¬†All this talk of cleaning has got me going. ¬†I think I am going¬†break out the big guns. ¬†Some of this non-essential stuff is long over due. ¬†Let’s get this cleaning party started.

I hope everyone is enjoying your Monday, November 21, 2016!  I know I sure am!

As always, more to come.