Monday Moods ~ 6/17/24

Every story can have a happy ending, if you decide where it ends. That’s a paraphrase of Orson Welles who said …

“If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.”
— Orson Welles, The Big Brass Ring

I was going to end our story on April 29, 2024 with a sweet memory of Pony meeting my father & his wife. Then I had an epiphany. I wasn’t ready to stop. My feelings were so hurt by events that transpired afterwards. “We need a test before welcoming this “new” one! Became I’m returning the test to you.” Fun fact, we never needed a test, we have our quorum.

In talking to my blood brother (dang that is cool to say), he helped me realize the error of my ways. He said & I quote “don’t let them do change who you are. Do what you want to do & stop worryng about what they do or don’t do.”

I sent a text & shocker I got a response. To say I was elated was an understatement. He called me “sweetheart.” Our relationship is fragile but my hope is back. Dang her showing up again just as I was about to let go. Bottom line, I’m stubborn. I want what I want. It’s not greedy. What’s true is that two things (at least!) can be true at once. Even things that look contradictory on the surface can be simultaneously true. 

Now I’m rambling, so I will go with a song that makes me smile.

Monday Moods ~ 6/3/24

A year ago at this time I was in Washington on my pilgrimage to meet my biological family. In the year that followed not a lot has gone on in the way of strengthening relationships. The few things that did happen were because I pushed for it.

I know that I have high expectations. Impossible standards to meet. I’m disappointed we aren’t further along now than we were when I didn’t even know their names. It’s maddening.

Physical pain is back. With a vengeance. Psychosomatic is not the same as hypochondriac. My illness may actually be psychosomatic. I’m about to learn more this Friday.

As always, more to come. 

Monday Music ~ 2/26/24

This song also fits my mood for the simple fact that there’s a little green man in my head. Rock on 🤘

As always, more to come aka BOHICA 🤣

In My Life: A Place for Good ~ 1/15/24

I haven’t written here in a bit but I wanted to let folks know of a few good things that happened recently. On my alt X account I wrote that if I can share the bad to release the demons, then I need to be willing to share the good. Almost everything about adoption is awful but while we work to change the broken system, we enjoy small victories.

I wondered if I’d be able to write without feeling the turmoil. You see I’ve been running that way my whole life. Angst & pain are the fuels or fodder for my writing. If I start gushing platitudes, some may think me disingenuous. I cannot have that!

Okay, enough introspection; here’s what’s good:

• My step sister, D, texted me out of the blue. I get to call her sister since she was the step daughter of my birth mother, Cathy. I was sure I had hurt D too much by asking about our sister, Angie & that I’d never speak to her again. She suggested we talk sometime if I’d like that. I’m waiting a respectable amount of time after the holidays, then I will call her. January is the month to reunite!! I’m going to suggest a face-to-face visit with her. I’m also going to confirm the whereabouts of my mother’s gravesite. I believe Cathy & Gerry are buried by one another in Houston.
• Which leads me to this … Lulu & I will be visiting my Auntie R in Houston this March. Auntie R is Cathy’s 1/2 sister that she never knew. We will finally meet the family of the infamous Grandpa Eddie which includes me & my Lulu Belle! Ha-Ha. I always knew we were outlaws somehow. Auntie R wrote me once that she can’t wait to meet me & when we hug, I will be getting a hug from my momma through her! That’s goodness right there y’all.
• I think I already wrote of the kind email from my cousin who I met last June. I’m family & friend to him y’all. Talk amongst yourselves.
• My capstone that I hope is really only the beginning follows:
  • On 12/29/23, I sent my father & almost step mom some info on the importance of genetic mirroring. I did this crafty thing on a Word doc where I created side-by-sides & captions. I also included some actual miscellaneous photos where I wrote on the back of each one. All drama, me at 4th grade field trip has inscribed “this is how I want you to remember me!” Oy vey! I included a thank you note where I wrote well wishes for 2024, to let me know how they are doing every once in a while. I added two coasters that I had created from pictures, not as gifts really but trinkets just because. Then I tossed in a stamped envelope with a note that said something like keep the pictures you want but send back the rest instead of throwing them away.
  • On 1/8/24, I got pictures. Not mine returned but pictures from him of our family, inscribed with ‘who is who’ on the back & a handwritten letter. I almost passed out. I didn’t cry though. I’m an easy crier but nope. Very emotional of course just no tears.
  • On 1/11/24, we spoke on the phone. At the time of his call, I was putting together a calendar for him with pictures from my trip. Now I can’t tell you a thing we said because I was secretly panicking & forgot the words as they left my mouth. I’m sure I said stupid stuff. I did tell him I was mailing him a calendar so he wouldn’t be surprised by another packet from me again so quickly.
  • Talking to him & my step mom felt good but then I felt weird afterwards. Like I don’t deserve nice things. Like I pushed so hard that he had no choice but to do this thing probably out of pity instead of him wanting to on his own.
  • That’s how intrusive thoughts work. I overthink everything while assuming the worst. I’m working hard to stop that. I’m going to try my damndest not to make stuff up. Why can’t I assume he wanted to send me those pictures to continue a connection? Just maybe … I’m not the ogre I profess to be.
  • On 1/12/24, I mailed the calendar, he will get it tomorrow. After that, we will see …

Now, I’m exhausted. Of my own making. Though this weekend, I had a new lease on life. Everything seems brighter some how. My niece got married to her person. We enjoyed ourselves immensely getting to know his family. Now our family! I wasn’t compulsively thinking of MY bios, of how to get them to like me. It was as if I didn’t need to obsess anymore because now for the 3rd time ever in my 59 years on this planet, my father spoke to me.

As always, more to come.

Reflections: Monday Moods ~ 9/18/23

At peace, that is all ❤

As always, more to come.

Monday Moods ~ 6/26/23

Not that I want to start two a day posts but I thought of a new feature I’d like to begin. Ron’s Monday haiku will remain in the #1 spot. Monday Moods is in pilot mode. Remains to be seen if the plane ✈️ takes off. Pun intended.

As I was waiting in line to use up a Starbucks gift card this morning, I heard the song “Everything I Own” by Bread. Really changed my mood but not in the good way music typically does. Made me sad 😢 moody lil girl that I am. Right after, I watched the “Face the Fight” panel discussion. More sadness. An epidemic really. When did life become such a cluster? Rhetorical question. Ugh 😩

To center myself, I walked it off while listening to you guessed it, the song that started it all. This go around, I felt peace. Aah 😌 now that’s the stuff.

As always more to come.