Thursday Thoughts ~ 2/29/24

Silliness first. My first love pre-present & only husband B was born on 2/29. Sometimes he was teased that he was so short because he only had a “real” birthday every four years. “Dude you’re not 16; aren’t you like four??!” I call him my first love when we never actually had any kind of relationship. I was told he “liked me” & wanted to ask me out … to the homecoming dance of all things but he never did ask & went with KT instead while I stayed home … or maybe I went roller skating with friends, I forget.

Another fun memory is that when we were introduced, I said “hi” then promptly ran away. Not because I didn’t care but because I cared too much! After years of intense therapy (I need to get back to that), I finally understand the root of my actions. Leave first before they can leave you. Never let anyone get close. And you’re thinking but Jilly you & B have been married almost 40 years, you let him in. I’m convinced that was a fluke or a direct result of being a Velcro baby. Adoptees either push people away to avoid pain, “I love you don’t touch me” or attach like a barnacle, so afraid to be abandoned that you hold on for dear life regardless of the treatment. Thank goodness B is a good guy. I vacillate between the two ends depending on circumstances. Of course, reactions run the spectrum. Ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants without rhyme or reason, reciprocated or not.

That leads me to my present day angst. A different type of love & caring. I want so very badly to connect with my biological family. This is a basic need rooted (that word again) in biology. I’m not trying to fill holes or correct anything about my life up to the point I learned who they were as that is separate & distinct. And my childhood was pretty damn good. I was lucky (another word that brings debate). But I get to decide. Lucky is apt in my case given the randomness of my placement. Those sliding doors could have moved me another direction very easily. I’m grateful not because I owe someone something but because I’ve come to those feelings on my own.

Wish me luck 🍀 as I navigate these waters. I’m such a dang drama queen!

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 2/22/24

I saw a post earlier today where the author read my mind. I was coming up short while trying to write a letter to my biological father to explain the turmoil I’m still experiencing despite what I call his change of heart about me. Her post explained the duality & nuances of being an adoptee.

I can’t help but feel sadness. I am grateful for the life I have lived…not because I feel obligated to be. I arrived at gratitude on my own. I have come to realize that truth and reality are not the same and yet both exist simultaneously inside of me. The truth is, I was loved and I was wanted, but my internal reality was that I have had to work through deep wounds like rejection and abandonment from being relinquished. 

Kristal Parke

Truth: He’s been nothing but kind since I sent him my post Christmas / Pre New Year letter with photos. He responded by sending me back photos of his own with notes on the back just like I did on the ones I sent him. The handwritten letter is a treasure. Then he sent an album (made for the kids) with pictures off his wife’s phone. I was included in “for the kids!” I about fell out of my chair.

Of course the day I got my picture book, I texted a thank you only to find out he was in the hospital. Such a scary few days of processing things. What if all this back & forth with me caused his illness? Do I even have a “right” to be worried? We are in no way shape or form legally connected. Maybe my being around creates more unnecessary stress & I should exit gracefully? I don’t want to go away. I love him. I love everyone in my new found family. I feel these emotions to my core. I assume he is still doing okay after we last spoke on February 13, 2024. Over a week ago which isn’t all that long but time slipped by quickly. Blink & a month will disappear. I’m prepare for our connection to go away if I do nothing.

My dear friend says “then do something, Jilly!” Notes, texts, call …. Don’t stand on principle that he has to go first sometimes. Nothing stops you & my goodness, he is responding!

Everytime I start contact, I’m paralized with fear. I want my final nteraction with him to be a good one & the last time we spoke it was very good. Why tempt fate? Leave them before they leave me am I right? I’m scripting my call to him for a final hurrah! I want a recording of his voice. Oh my god what is wrong with me?!?!

As always, more to come.

Flashbulb Memories: 2/20/24

My kindergarten was in a small house on top of the hill separate from the building with 1st to 8^th grades.

First Day

• Mom: Stay here while I take your brothers to their classrooms.
• Sr. Irene trying to clear out the cafeteria: Jill, get on the bus going to Kinder.
• Who did I listen to? Mom or nun? Trick question, ALWAYS listen to the nuns. LOL

I wasn’t scared. I wanted to go to school. Everyone was happy & singing as we bounced up the hill in the old yellow school bus. All was well until I couldn’t find my name on the rosters posted to the front door. The names were in alphabetical order by LAST name. I was looking for J as in Jill but there were no J’s! That’s when I started boo-hooing. Mom showed up flustered that I had “ran off.” I was just happy that they found my name & I got to stay.

Of course, I was too young to remember any of this but the story was re-told so many times, I swear I do.

I cleaned my office this weekend & found my report card. I was always sassy. The final comment was “Jill gets angry when she can’t have her own way.” Thank goodness I outgrew that!

As always, more to come.

Friday Feels ~ 2/9/24

I celebrated my 40th work anniversary on 2/6/24. Can you believe it? Well me either!! That’s a loooong time but to me everyday is day one! Same company, that’s true but not the same job. I’ve had more roles than I can count. When opportunity knocks, say “YES!”

I’ve also just returned from NYC baby. Experience of a lifetime which I will write about later. In the interim, let’s just say NYC is responsible for my uplifted mood. A truly magical place.

Now for my feels … or what I’m thinking about. You know I maybe should merge categories into one big ole “What’s J-Dub thinking about?” Hmmm, saving that idea for later. Right now is this …

I received an email from a young whippersnapper asking for my counsel or consultation. I’m not legal, I’m compliance. We get consulted. Any hoo. He was misdirected when told to send his request to me. Not uncommon, I’m a high traffic referral ticket considering my longevity. I know a little bit about almost anything. I could have & I did have an opinion about his proposed solutions but I punted to my co-worker since technically not my gig.

Our emails contain our profile pictures. I’ve been starring at his for a while. He is young, probably not even 30 yet. He looks like a kid playing dress up wearing his dad’s suit & tie. Awwww! That’s a compliment y’all.

This reminded me of how I was fascinated with my mother’s high heels. I’d get them out of her closet, put them on, & parade around. Swirl a scarf around my neck & wah-la, I was grown-up! Then I thought about the momma I never knew. Did she have high heels? Don’t do it! Don’t go there!! Still the questions bubble up from the recesses of my soul with no one I can ask. I pause, do I even know anything about her? Well no, not really. A few things told to me but all uncorroborated. I’m left with dry facts: Brown hair, brown eyes, 5’1”, 108 lbs.

Yet in this empty space where my momma & her memory should be, I find a new perspective. I get to choose. I can freaking make stuff up. And it can be good stuff too! Not like the stuff I make up with my anxiety. She can be grand! She would have loved me. I just know it.

As always, more to come.

Friday Feels ~ 2/2/24

I’m a big girl right? I can do this myself! What can I do you ask? I can go to NYC to meet with kindred spirits! Operation Fog Lift commences.

I’ve never taken the train from Newark before but I only wanted a direct flight ✈️ making my options limited. Several have told me it’s actually easier getting to Manhattan from Newark with 6 different ways to get into the city. We shall see if that holds true for me. I’m excited to try the train. If I get a hinky feeling, I can always call for a car service. Splurge! B says I should do that anyway. Special trip deserves a special ride.

Not sure if I’ll post a play by play but I’m writing daily in my journal. Of course I am. And no it’s not punishment or homework. Writing ✍️ is free therapy.

As always more to come.

#JusJoJan24 & #1linerWeds. 1/24/24

Perseverance is a choice, not a skill.

Charlotte Creech

I’m not sure I agree 💯 but in a way that was me. Of course I claim I really was given no choice. My therapist says to give myself credit. That I could have chosen to do nothing, to stop. That’s hard for me to do but I’m trying to be less woe is me. I’m a resilient ass mofo.

As always, more to come.

My pingback.

#JusJoJan24 – tenacious ~ 1/19/24

Linda says: Your prompt for JusJoJan January 19th, 2024 is “tenacious.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun! Cheryl provided our word to the day. Please be sure to visit Cheryl’s blog to read her posts and say hello.

My first thought was Tenacious D. I quickly realized I don’t know a single song 🎶 from them. Moving along.

Tenacious is my middle name. Or should be. Recently I’ve been told I’m strong and brave. Funny how that happens when you’re not given a choice. Sometimes the only way out is through. Thanks Mr. Frost.

I didn’t give up. I stumbled. I cried a lot, a deep, wretched keen from the depths of my soul. The primal wound is a thing. But I’m better now. And I know I’m one of the lucky ones. And I know this fledgling ‘whatever we call it’ is shaky. Relationships & solid foundations take years to build. And we may not have years left. That’s the truth of the matter. I personally feel like I’ve already wasted two years, not being brave enough to speak my wishes for fear of secondary rejection.

I have two choices. I can wallow in what was lost or I can move forward regardless of the consequences. I’m going forward. I will never give up. That’s tenacity.

As always more to come.

My pingback

In My Life: A Place for Good ~ 1/15/24

I haven’t written here in a bit but I wanted to let folks know of a few good things that happened recently. On my alt X account I wrote that if I can share the bad to release the demons, then I need to be willing to share the good. Almost everything about adoption is awful but while we work to change the broken system, we enjoy small victories.

I wondered if I’d be able to write without feeling the turmoil. You see I’ve been running that way my whole life. Angst & pain are the fuels or fodder for my writing. If I start gushing platitudes, some may think me disingenuous. I cannot have that!

Okay, enough introspection; here’s what’s good:

• My step sister, D, texted me out of the blue. I get to call her sister since she was the step daughter of my birth mother, Cathy. I was sure I had hurt D too much by asking about our sister, Angie & that I’d never speak to her again. She suggested we talk sometime if I’d like that. I’m waiting a respectable amount of time after the holidays, then I will call her. January is the month to reunite!! I’m going to suggest a face-to-face visit with her. I’m also going to confirm the whereabouts of my mother’s gravesite. I believe Cathy & Gerry are buried by one another in Houston.
• Which leads me to this … Lulu & I will be visiting my Auntie R in Houston this March. Auntie R is Cathy’s 1/2 sister that she never knew. We will finally meet the family of the infamous Grandpa Eddie which includes me & my Lulu Belle! Ha-Ha. I always knew we were outlaws somehow. Auntie R wrote me once that she can’t wait to meet me & when we hug, I will be getting a hug from my momma through her! That’s goodness right there y’all.
• I think I already wrote of the kind email from my cousin who I met last June. I’m family & friend to him y’all. Talk amongst yourselves.
• My capstone that I hope is really only the beginning follows:
  • On 12/29/23, I sent my father & almost step mom some info on the importance of genetic mirroring. I did this crafty thing on a Word doc where I created side-by-sides & captions. I also included some actual miscellaneous photos where I wrote on the back of each one. All drama, me at 4th grade field trip has inscribed “this is how I want you to remember me!” Oy vey! I included a thank you note where I wrote well wishes for 2024, to let me know how they are doing every once in a while. I added two coasters that I had created from pictures, not as gifts really but trinkets just because. Then I tossed in a stamped envelope with a note that said something like keep the pictures you want but send back the rest instead of throwing them away.
  • On 1/8/24, I got pictures. Not mine returned but pictures from him of our family, inscribed with ‘who is who’ on the back & a handwritten letter. I almost passed out. I didn’t cry though. I’m an easy crier but nope. Very emotional of course just no tears.
  • On 1/11/24, we spoke on the phone. At the time of his call, I was putting together a calendar for him with pictures from my trip. Now I can’t tell you a thing we said because I was secretly panicking & forgot the words as they left my mouth. I’m sure I said stupid stuff. I did tell him I was mailing him a calendar so he wouldn’t be surprised by another packet from me again so quickly.
  • Talking to him & my step mom felt good but then I felt weird afterwards. Like I don’t deserve nice things. Like I pushed so hard that he had no choice but to do this thing probably out of pity instead of him wanting to on his own.
  • That’s how intrusive thoughts work. I overthink everything while assuming the worst. I’m working hard to stop that. I’m going to try my damndest not to make stuff up. Why can’t I assume he wanted to send me those pictures to continue a connection? Just maybe … I’m not the ogre I profess to be.
  • On 1/12/24, I mailed the calendar, he will get it tomorrow. After that, we will see …

Now, I’m exhausted. Of my own making. Though this weekend, I had a new lease on life. Everything seems brighter some how. My niece got married to her person. We enjoyed ourselves immensely getting to know his family. Now our family! I wasn’t compulsively thinking of MY bios, of how to get them to like me. It was as if I didn’t need to obsess anymore because now for the 3rd time ever in my 59 years on this planet, my father spoke to me.

As always, more to come.

In My Life: Friday Feels Part Two ~ 1/5/24

#13. Patience is a virtue. That’s not cliche. I’ve been in a hurry to make up for lost time. Not sure why because you can’t recreate a past. Rushing isn’t going to change any outcomes. Best to have patience. Better to hope for the best and expect nothing. Then one day, that may pay off.

On January 4th 9:40 PM, I received an email from the cousin whose son my children and I matched first. Happy New Year! He gave me a recap of current events. He shared a Christmas Eve tradition, they go around the room listing good things for the year. I learned that I made his list. “I’m glad you found us.” Now I’m verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.

He referred to me as family AND friend. I felt that too but I can never tell if feelings are mutual or if I’m being “too much.” I responded after an hour of trying to craft the perfect reply to keep him interested in staying in touch. I’m overthinking every word. Of course I am. I’m sure I scared him off. I don’t believe I deserve nice things.

I didn’t see his email until after 5 today. If I had seen it earlier, I might not have been so pensive. I shouldn’t have been in turmoil any way. Good things come to those who wait. All this to say, his email brings me peace. I need to bottle this feeling.

As always, more to come.

In My Life: Friday Feels ~ 1/5/24

#12 in the series after a week’s hiatus. I’m changing the format up a little bit. I don’t want to be sad. While I will still number these entries, no more dramatic – ripping off the scab. I’m also going to randomly change the feature image. While I do still feel like that outcast ice princess who has a skeletal rib cage with a candle for my heart, I’m also a proverbial cheerleader.

For the record, all adoptees are upbeat promoters – Rah! Rah! Sis Boom Ba!! We’re some resilient ass mofos. Yes, I did call myself a name but as the childhood taunt “sticks & stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me” shows us, names can’t hurt unless you let them. And like the word “bastard,” “resilient ass mofo” is a badge of HONOR!

Okay, today’s topic. I had plans to take Lulu breakfast tacos as a treat for making it through her Sun-Thurs work week which as a call center employee, was brutal. I started my drive in the DARK b-crack of dawn since I still had to work today myself. As I drove to Nogolitos, I made some errors in driving that while nothing happened, I realized I was lucky. I was driving distracted, thinking about the bios. Those damn mofos have WAY too much control over me & I let them live rent free in my mind. My brother even brags about this on his tagline … “living rent free in many people’s minds.” Anyway, I told myself, calm the fuck down & drive right. Pay attention Jilly!!

Tacos safely delivered & nice meal with my girl had me back on the road. I had one quick stop, air up the tires. B said I didn’t need to do this but I thought I did. “Nothing is wrong with your tires, Jill. It is the colder weather. Don’t they always inflate up to 35 psi?” And yes they do but …

As I was leaving the tire place, aired up and ready to roll, I was distracted driving again wondering if my father received the pictures I sent him & whether he’d care. My vision is not the best sadly … even with glasses. I didn’t see the median & made the most dangerous of the turns, a left & pop. Right front passenger tire flat & right rear passenger tire while not flat was damaged too. I was exiting the tire place when this happened, lucky me! A quick U turn & two new tires later, I’m still kicking myself for something completely avoidable.

And with that, I am done, done, done. Until next time.

This is a true story of my lived experience. Some names and details have been changed. I’ve done my best to be faithful to my experiences, and when possible, have consulted others who were also present during that time. 

As always, more to come.