It’s the little things y’all. I was all contorted into a pretzel trying to get my people to know me. More of that assuming … fear based assuming. They hate me surely they do. But since I decided to be who I am & not some imposter, the flood gates have opened.
I talked to MY cousin last night. She is far enough removed from her uncle, my biological father that there is no pain associated with who I am. I’m just her cousin Jill. She told me so many stories about the family, her immediate family, parents & siblings, daughter, nieces, nephews, etc. We probably could’ve kept going for six more hours & still not be done. I joked yep, I’m trying to make up for 57 years of not knowing, two years knowing a little.
She said “one more quick story” at least 1/2 dozen times before we finally hung up. And we’ll likely talk again. At least I hope. But even if we don’t, my heart is FULL. Bursting at the seams!! Pinch me!! I must be dreaming only I am WIDE awake!!
Cousin: “I’m sorry I never reached back out to you, it all just took me by surprise. Never ever had we heard anything about you and for that I’m also sorry.”
Me: “No need to be sorry, this is what was meant to be. To talk now. If we had talked earlier, it may not have been as good. Time to process was needed.”
I haven’t reviewed my week in quite sometime, since I’ve been blogging from my phone where I can’t figure out how to pingback without going through major hoops. Today I’m at my desktop & thought why the hell not review the week. I need to release the hounds anyway. Two birds, one stone. I need to pontificate my first world troubles. If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all which is patently false Will Rogers. Or Grandpa, or Buck Owens, or Roy Clark. Hee Haw was a Sunday night staple growing up in the Ya-shek household. Anyway, let’s roll call, if I can figure this out all over again.
Sunday 5/19/24 – #SLS one can never go wrong with T-Rex. They are so much more than bang a gong 🙂
Tuesday 5/21/24 – Thoughts – Volunteers Pumpkins for the win!! I truly am blessed, thankful, grateful, all of the above.
Wednesday 5/22/24 – #1liner I have a book with one liners somewhere in this house. I real time write down amusing anecdotes for Wednesdays but when time comes, I can’t find my scribbles. I need an exclusive place or I can keep winging #1linerWeds with random jokes that I find at the last minute.
Thursday 5/23/24 – What Fresh Hell, the Oil Change version As I look back I feel bad that I felt bad about something beyond control. The workers weren’t standing around lollygagging, there simply weren’t enough technicians to speed things along. The 20 minute guarantee is out the window. The real fresh hell is having to work there under these conditions.
Friday 5/24/24 – Feels with Music I love my morning commute said no one ever BUT music helps. I really did love the mash up & wished I could find the exact one they used. It was stellar. Music helped me. I was on the verge of tears before this music saved my day.
Saturday 5/25/24 #SoCS Lulu said yes to the dress. The very first one turned out to be the one she picked. Not sure how to keep the dress a secret from her intended with social media. I have some snaps I’d love to share that are staying under wraps. Old wives tail about bad luck is probably nonsense but not taking any changes. LOL
I’m still an angsty, neurotic mess but I have found my tribe. Last weekend I was in Chicago with some of them, or an hour into the flight home as it were. Friday 5/17 & Saturday 5/18 were salve to my wounds. Another awesome experience in #FogLift 3.0. Not for the faint at heart but for the true warriors & our allies. I might be re-starting the telling my story again here on WP. Sooner or later. I just hope later doesn’t become never.
I’ve been blogging daily because I must keep my streak alive but only A2Z & the new Sunday Supper. I don’t have enough time to write my usual fodder & participate in the weekly prompts I so enjoy. I will get back to that very soon though.
My priority right now is my oldest son-shine Pony Boy Dub. The kid with a heart of gold who was a lonely only for 9 1/2 years until his sister, Lulu Belle Dub came along. Cue music … He’s leaving …
Songwriters: Lennon-McCartney
For the 3rd time … this has to be the charm y’all. When he was barely 18, he left us the first time & lived with a few roommates. I vividly remember standing on the carport as he drove off down our winding driveway to his own place.
B: “He’ll be back to visit, come inside.”
Me “I need to be alone.”
I stood there until it got dark, crying silent tears. B would peek out the door. I’d wave him away.
Pony was 22 when he came back with his fiancée, now ex-wife. They lived with us about six months before moving in with her mother. When they left together that time, I didn’t have that same visceral reaction. This is the natural order of things.
Then he lost his job in a downsizing. Not for cause but because his audits could be done someplace else for less. He had the option to stay with a significant demotion or take the severance. He & one other person took the severance. It was then that he let us know the job was one he hated all 13 years he was there but that he sucked it up because that’s what married grownups do. They go to work & pay their bills. His natural inclination was in sales but with no benefits or guaranteed income, he opted for the safer, more hated option. After the layoff, he was back home.
He asked us for time … until January to figure it all out. We gave him grace. All along though he was planning his next move. That leads me to today.
He’s leaving … after much research on cost of living, etc. he landed on two possible locations & drew from a hat. He has a roommate already, another kindred soul who wants to leave Texas. As much as I worry that he is going without a job, I … no WE … both B & I are very happy for him. He is taking a giant leap of faith, one I was never brave enough to take. I squashed my wanderer spirit for the safer option too. If I had not blown out my knee right before basic training, no telling where I would be.
But I digress. This is not about my not going into the Army. This is about why at 8:30 AM on a Sunday morning, I got up & made the filling for my famous (to us) homemade egg rolls. He requested this meal as his last (for now) Sunday Supper.
Someone must be cutting onions in here. Oh yea, I use green onions in my filling. That must be it. If this batch is a little more salty, it’s not my crying y’all. I’m very very happy. I promise.
As always, more to come.
P.S. On this day exactly one year ago, I went to court in Austin & won my case to unseal my records from Home of the Holy Infancy. It was also the same day that Lulu & her partner moved into their new home. Good things come in threes when we add today’s events. ❤
Holy heck how it is almost April?!? I’m not as organized for the upcoming A2Z challenge. This is like my first year all over again. My non-existent theme is just wing it. I’ll be posting music videos since music is the cure to what ails me. Even if not a complete remission, I can navigate my illness more easily when I listen to tunes. How’s that for some imagery?!?
I’m still reeling from my March 15th pilgrimage to Houston but I can’t condense my thoughts into anything meaningful. I’m learning that’s not uncommon in reunion. Our minds can’t comprehend the magnitude of the info we learn after years of silence. Like drinking from a fire 🔥 hose. My aunt & I both made notes to track and still we lost pieces.
At least in this moment I’m resolved to the facts. I now know all that I was meant to know. I don’t know everything & that’s finally okay. I thought if I just kept digging I would reach the buried treasure. Instead my shovel hit a rock 🪨 & the shovel broke. Done ✔️ and done ✔️ . Again that’s okay.
Actually, not truly knowing everything is universal. People keep secrets. Or they make assumptions. We talk past each other. We think we know but we don’t.
Anyway my lunch break is over. Back to reality oops there gravity. See there are song 🎶 lyrics for everything.
Y’all I’ve been added to a group text with blood relatives. First time for everything. 😆 To clarify, a text I didn’t initiate. This is my momma’s side. I’ve group texted the paternal side with mixed results.
Lulu and my trip to Houston was bountiful. We’re automatically in. No questions asked. This despite my Auntie, the matriarch of this branch never knew she had a sister until 2022. I’ll write more about our trip if I can ever calm myself down.
Eight years ago on this day, Lulu Bell and I were in NYC to see Aladdin among other things. On that trip, we were really trying to get Hamilton tickets, but they were by lottery only because every single show was sold out for months on end. Since that time I have seen Hamilton three times on stage, all at the Majestic and once on TV. If memory serves it was an HBO special. But it might’ve also been on Disney+
Aladdin was magical and an excellent substitute. The flying carpet scene was amazing. I still don’t know how they accomplished it. There’s just something about live theater folks. I am definitely a fan.
Lulu Bell and I are back together again this weekend for another spring break. Though this is not a “she’s out of school” spring break but a coincidence in that the expo for oddities and curiosities is tomorrow and Sunday. We road tripped to Houston. We met our Auntie Renee in person for the first time. And there is so much goodness in what occurred today. However, I’m exhausted so I will write more on the topic later.
Crying 😭 isn’t always weak or even sad. Sometimes we have tears of joy 🥹 This Tuesday, I have both.
My coworker who is more like my little brother suggested we walk outside during lunch. Another coworker was already joining him. I jumped at the chance to participate. These were MY guys who shared space with me at the Riverwalk. A highlight of my 40 year career.
We fell into step like no time had passed. Our conversations flowing easily. Me cracking jokes the entire time. As we made one lap around, I broke away with an excuse to go back inside. I had this overwhelming feeling to “get out” … that I wasn’t wanted … that they were humoring me. That had I never joined them, they would have had a better time. I just don’t fit. All this despite neither even hinting or suggesting such a thing.
I know other people experience feelings of not belonging too but when you’re an adoptee, these feelings are in every fiber of your being. I’m not sure where I’m going with this share. I’m simply observing my feelings, trying to make sense of the world around me. Why do I always leave??
Don’t be like me. If you have people in your life who want you around, be around. Keep them close. Tell them often that you love them. So often you make it weird. And if you happen to have an intact family of any variety, especially framily = friends who are family know just how special that is.
Imagine if this was all you knew about your parents? It took 57 years for me to find out their names. Two years and 3 months later and I still don’t know everything. Things most people take for granted. Partially because I’m afraid to ask but also because people have passed on. It’s easy for me to believe dearly departed family would’ve been the ones most likely to share.
It’s a beautiful day after a nice soaking rain this morning. Spring has sprung. Not looking forward to the time change. But definitely appreciating the weather.
I’m trying something new. I’ve got so many stories swirling in my brain. I only want to share these stories with one person, so he can know me better but I’m not convinced he wants to know me plus I also don’t want to scare him off. I’m such a weirdo, I should hide my true self.
Instead, I decided to share with the world or this tiny part of the world who may stumble across my blog. I call this one “Watermelon Sugar High.” There is no connection between the story & the song other than use of the word watermelon.
Every week the Dub family meal plans & purchases groceries for both ourselves & my in-laws. Unless it’s hunting season & B is up north harvesting venison, he goes with me. He takes our list because PoPo’s writing is sometimes hard to decipher. I’ve cracked the code & usually figure out what he means. Silly to say but I have weeks of grocery lists saved. One day a sample of his writing will be worth more than gold. I love my father-in-law with my whole heart. He’s a salt of the earth good man.
B & I are are two different kinds of shoppers. He is soooooo slow … Ugh! We each have our respective carts & take off in separate directions. I zip around quickly loading the list even while I sometimes sing, dance, & talk to strangers. He strolls along casually all la-de-da. I’m like c’mon man we’re burning daylight. We purposefully pick a time to shop where the crowd is light. He could move a little faster without being rude to other people.
Any who, today I was done lickety-split. No surprise there. As I’m waiting in the usual spot where we meet up before checkout, I saw some personal sized seedless watermelons & decided to go off script & get one. I grab a beauty & held it against my hip much like a football player would do running the ball. I guess I looked wobbly because not one or two but three people asked if they could help me.
Isn’t that something folks? In this day & age. I responded to each, “No thanks, I’m just waiting for someone before we check out.” Then I overthink like I always do. I wonder what makes some people stop to help as others walk on by … I wasn’t even in distress when they stopped to offer assistance. What was the motive? There wasn’t one. Then I think maybe I always look distressed because as I mentioned I zip around like a chicken with its head cut off. But y’all I make “friends” wherever I go. After that I decided I’m going to write about this! Maybe not one of my best efforts but now the thoughts are out of my head.
Silliness first. My first love pre-present & only husband B was born on 2/29. Sometimes he was teased that he was so short because he only had a “real” birthday every four years. “Dude you’re not 16; aren’t you like four??!” I call him my first love when we never actually had any kind of relationship. I was told he “liked me” & wanted to ask me out … to the homecoming dance of all things but he never did ask & went with KT instead while I stayed home … or maybe I went roller skating with friends, I forget.
Another fun memory is that when we were introduced, I said “hi” then promptly ran away. Not because I didn’t care but because I cared too much! After years of intense therapy (I need to get back to that), I finally understand the root of my actions. Leave first before they can leave you. Never let anyone get close. And you’re thinking but Jilly you & B have been married almost 40 years, you let him in. I’m convinced that was a fluke or a direct result of being a Velcro baby. Adoptees either push people away to avoid pain, “I love you don’t touch me” or attach like a barnacle, so afraid to be abandoned that you hold on for dear life regardless of the treatment. Thank goodness B is a good guy. I vacillate between the two ends depending on circumstances. Of course, reactions run the spectrum. Ultimately, the heart wants what the heart wants without rhyme or reason, reciprocated or not.
That leads me to my present day angst. A different type of love & caring. I want so very badly to connect with my biological family. This is a basic need rooted (that word again) in biology. I’m not trying to fill holes or correct anything about my life up to the point I learned who they were as that is separate & distinct. And my childhood was pretty damn good. I was lucky (another word that brings debate). But I get to decide. Lucky is apt in my case given the randomness of my placement. Those sliding doors could have moved me another direction very easily. I’m grateful not because I owe someone something but because I’ve come to those feelings on my own.
Wish me luck 🍀 as I navigate these waters. I’m such a dang drama queen!
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 