09/16/2023 – J-Dub's Grin and Bear It

Yep I’m a Steel Magnolia. You might even say I have some moxie. At least that’s what I’ve been told … more lately than ever before.

I didn’t take no for an answer when the court denied my request for records. I served as my own counsel and won my petitions not once but twice! The judge 👨‍⚖️ even complimented me on my tenacity & resolve.

That’s right! I doggedly 🐶 searched 🔦 for & found, then met some of my biological kin. I traveled 🧳 ✈️ 2149.6 miles to get there, then 🚙 road tripped it another 695.3 miles around Washington state all on my own to visit places my ancestors lived before me. Of course, I was never really alone. At least in my mind. And those I did meet face to face could not have been kinder to me. The gifts 🎁 of our time together were priceless. My grateful heart ♥️ overflows with love.

So why when it comes down to it do I falter with what is in the after? Hmm 🧐 inquiring minds want to know. Or maybe just me. I want to know. Why am I such an overthinking delicate flower? 🌹

What brought on today’s lil outburst of anxiety? Well I wrote ✍️ my novela but the only person I wanted to read it wouldn’t without me sharing in an alternative manner. Even then I know I can’t compel him to read my story. I’m peacocking 🦚 all over social media hoping he notices me. I had written the text to get the thoughts out of my head, never to send.

B came in as I was pretending I was okay. He just watched me then ever so quietly he started this conversation:

B: “Hey, I think you should send it.”

Me: “Why do you say that?”

B: “You want to … your heart wants to. You’re just afraid to get hurt 😢 ”

Me: “You know me so well”

B: “He may not respond & you have to be okay with that but you’ll never know unless you try.”

I sent the text then put my phone away. I do that to protect myself. Sometimes when I look later, I’m surprised & if nothing then it’s not as fresh as in those first moments after hitting that arrow on my phone 📱 which sends the message.

I texted to a group & yesterday’s message is responded at 50%. And as I’m reminded, no response doesn’t mean he didn’t read it. Of course my Pony joked “if you sent that to me, I’d immediately delete it but that means nothing. You know I still love you mom.” Maybe he’s more like his grandpa than some similarities in the way they look. Of course I’m making this up. I’ll never know unless I ask & even then would I trust the answers. All I know for sure is I expect too much.

Outwardly I’m a lone wolf 🐺 created by circumstances beyond my control. Habits die hard if they die at all. I guess I have some choices to make. Oh my kintsugi heart ♥️

As always more to come.

How the heck is the middle of September upon us already?!? Time once again for #SoCS where we have a repeat. I will not look at my post from that day in the past since this is stream & my timer is a ticking. Without further ado, Linda writes & I copy paste: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is: “run.” Use it any way you’d like. Have fun! To join us for the 5k, HERE are the rules & ping back.

Hmmm, think, think, & think …

No need to think, see what I did there? Clever or not I used 5K as is walk/run. I have a story to tell about being inadvertently caught up in a 5K when I was on my pilgrimage. I went to Apple Capital Loop Trail in Wenatchee, WA on Saturday June 3, 2023. This city was where my father lived from age 14 to not sure what age when he moved.

Anyhow, I got there very early @ 6am & had the trail to myself but by mid-morning the crowd was growing. Then we hear they’re closing the loop for a 5k, so I park myself on a bench. I needed a rest anyway as I had already walked to Walla Walla Point Park & back to the rail station twice!

The theme of the 5K was girl power, something STEM related. Most runners were in costumes with super hero capes. There were some chaperones running too, moms, dads, family & friends. All supporting their best girl.

As I sat observing, most runners were laughing & smiling but one little girl was walking fast, head down, bawling her eyes out. This made me think how different people react to things. What made that girl cry while everyone else around her was so happy? Then I hear mom & sister, “hurry up!” they yelled. “We’re going ahead without you!” Basically her mom & sister ditched her to try & place in the race. Then I see a father hang back with his daughter “you can do it! You got this! Look right there! We’re almost at the finish line!” Not caring one iota if they win.

Emotions are complicated. Under other circumstances, I would have got up to walk with the crying girl. But her mom circled back to her before I could do anything. That didn’t stop the waterworks but still I was glad. When I saw the support of that father, I got tears in my eyes. Anything is possible if you only believe! Of course to be fair, I was already pretty emotional.

This post has run its course as I have run out of stream. Better run to get ready. No wait, I have time. Today we celebrate early the birthday of Lulu’s partner. He turns 26 on the 18th but that falls on a weekday & work has them staying in. Wishing you a wonderful Saturday folks. Ta-ta for now.

As always, more to come.