My thinking is on overdrive. Ugh! I wish I could turn off my thoughts.
I listen to a podcast every Tuesday. This week’s guest spoke about being hyper vigilant. If you look up the word in the dictionary, you’ll see me! I became hyper vigilant in order to survive. A coping mechanism. Better than turning to drugs or alcohol I guess though in the early 80s there was some of that. No wonder I’m exhausted & in chronic pain. My whole life has been me continually scanning my environment for predators. But don’t cry for me Argentina. I’m getting over it by acknowledging my feelings.
She also spoke of going through a metamorphosis. Damn if that’s not me too. In 2021, on my freaking birthday, I found the “bios”. Took me six months get them to talk to me & another year before we met. That filled in holes in my heart that I never knew I had but it also broke me apart in new ways. I’m wrecked, not patient enough for relationships to develop. I vacillate between they hate me to how can they hate me, they probably forgot my name. I feel like such a pest. Years of conditioning that I’m not worthy don’t turn off overnight. I wouldn’t want to know negative Jilly either.
I could slip away quietly without notice. But the line from the movie Network “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” is on a reel in my brain. Of course I’ll do nothing. Almost 59 years of suppressing feelings is a hard habit to break.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. I’m a sad sack. Maybe I’ll get real & tell you details of what’s happening one day & ask for advice. For example, hypothetically, what would you do if your brother shunned you without ever speaking to you even after he’s been told it’s true, not some scam that he really does have another sister? There’s a lot of smart big hearted folks out there who might be able to help me with that.
As always more to come.
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 