life invisible
the state of being alive
wait, but I am here
Yesterday I cried my eyes out because I’m sensitive that way. Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill but my empathic self believes I’m on to something. I’m exhausted 😩 but writing this out is healing ❤️🩹
For all you model train aficionados, here’s a scale model from the Wenatchee Valley Museum. My Pony Boy loved trains. Still does. I shared this video with him right away when I got back from my pilgrimage. I thought about him, his sister, and B the entire time. I’m still not sure why I traveled all those miles when my life is full as it is right now. Why was I compelled to force reunion?
My motives are complex. I lived in this fantasy land where I would connect with my people. That I would finally belong. Supposedly it’s automatic when you share blood. Somehow I thought if they saw me in person, it’d change everything. But that’s not how it is for everyone. Sometimes it is experience that becomes the ties that bind. After 58 long years & with geographical separation, that time has passed. This is the attitude I must adjust.
As much as I want to believe Charles when he says someone else’s reaction says nothing about me, and everything about them, I’m not convinced. I’m sure it’s me. The defective bastard. Story of my life.
Ignore my angst & enjoy the video. It really does make me smile. Chuga chuga choo choo.
As always more to come.
No time for a weekly review but definitely worth making time for a quick reflection. I need to make some adjustments to my way of thinking. I’m making myself sick.
That is all.
As always more to come.
Happy Saturday party people. Linda prompts us with won/one & she’s offering bonus points if we use both! Let’s get started.
I’ve already won this imaginary battle where I’m the only one fighting anyway. Resistance is futile. Let’s listen to a song shall we?!?! Hope you enjoy!
HERE are the rules and ping back.
My Goodreads review follows:
I’m not sure how I feel about this book. I inhaled it and felt something on so many levels. Tragic yet redemptive. The flawed human condition with everyone doing the best they can to get by. Wavy was right when she said “My family is real! Just as real as yours!”
No spoilers. Just a suggestion that you read & come back here so we can chat about it. I’m really interested in what others have to say about this mature subject matter.
As always more to come.
I’m hurting. That’s my first thought. I’m ignoring this pain as physical manifesting from emotions 🖤 which may or may not be the case. My next thoughts are of how much of a hermit I’ve become. I hate being back in the office. I prefer to isolate yet I crave connection. Go figure. I’m home today though having met the weekly quota so let’s move along.
Or not …
Every morning in the office, I arrive early to avoid heavy traffic. I’m also able to get a walk in before the work commences. I’ve taken to bringing a note pad with me & going into a pod to jot a little something. This walk, think, release is super calming. I look forward to my daily stroll. I even treat myself to coffee afterwards. Aaahh! Now that’s the stuff.
Here’s little excerpt from yesterday’s entry: This time to write begins my day in a good way. To sit & reflect is positive even when my thoughts are negative. Somehow writing moves the thoughts around in my brain so that they don’t move into every fiber of my being & crush me. The lift of spirits is felt with each pen stroke.
I’m still queen 👸🏻 comma drama 🎭 y’all. Ugh 😑 Sometimes I hate being this way. Sensitive soul makes for fragile feelings. Heart on my sleeve.
As always more to come.
“Handle a book as a bee does a flower, extract its sweetness but do not damage it!”
John Muir
HERE are the rules & ping back.
Thanks Di for hosting. Hope the roller coaster slows down a bit. I’m tossing out my two cents. HERE are the rules and ping back.
1. What makes you smile at the drop of a hat? My kids or B ☺️ Music too.
2. What makes you angry? Hmm 🤔 I’d rather not say.
3. What saddens you? Mean people
4. What do you find most frustrating? Lack of accountability.
This week’s gratitude: Look beyond the bad and enjoy the good.
I try to do that even if it’s in small snippets of time. Nothing bad lasts forever. The only thing inevitable is change. Though I do acknowledge bad stuff sucks while your in the middle of it.
be yourself
life is the canvas
paint your world 🌎
3/5/3 Aww 🥰 that feels good.
Reverse Roll Call!
I’m losing time. Maybe I shouldn’t say it that way. I know what is going on around me but all day yesterday I thought it was the 7/23 when today is 7/23. Small, inconsequential, until it isn’t.
I haven’t been really real here for a bit or I have been real but with no edge. Not even sure what I mean by that except to admit I’m holding back instead of spewing forth. Better out than in under the Shrek philosophy & I heartily agree.
The fact that I can heartily do anything is a good sign. One that shows I haven’t lost all hope. I care dammit. Oh who am I kidding, people know I care, I wear my heart on my sleeve. I’m censoring myself though because I don’t come off good otherwise. Boo hoo cry baby!
Just yesterday someone on my alt Twitter account said “we” should take a seat & listen. By we she meant the collective cohort/club to which I belong & wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. There are those within said cohort who have it worse which means they get the floor. Now don’t get me wrong, they surely do need to be showcased/uplifted but & it is a big BUT my pain is real too. I spent so much time in therapy lately being told that it is okay to feel my feels & to be done with the “it could be worse” mentality. That’s always possible but it also discounts what I’m experiencing by making myself & my needs less than. I’m exhausted being almost invisible.
See whiny! Ugh! Calgon take me away. LOL. That commercial always makes me laugh. I’m on a gratitude finding mission. I grew up in the best time, just sayin’ & for that I am forever grateful. I wouldn’t change it for the world. Plus the tiniest nod from dear ole d & I’m at peace over here. Maybe there is hope for me yet.
As always, more to come.
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 