Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/16/21

I did something people might consider morbid but I’m trying to make sense of the senseless. I wrote down the names of everyone I know who has died since March of 2020; the month that for me will live in infamy. The beginning of the end.

I’ve written ad nauseum about the pandemic. The neverending cycle of crap. The worry and anxiety are overwhelming but lately the overtness of that moves into the background. Truth be told, I am suppressing too much. I’m doing that thing I do where I discount my feelings as not worthy enough to have because someone always has a worse situation. My former therapist helped me see that we shouldn’t discount our feelings because life is not a zero sum game. I might be using the term incorrectly, most people do but oh well. In layman’s terms, if I win you lose. The takeaway is that my level of suck may not be as bad as yours but what I am experiencing still sucks all the same.

I have become very good at faking it. Excellent in fact. I’m HAPPY!! Right?!?? I’m the good little girl, people pleaser, rule follower, sweet, kind, demure. Problems? We don’t got no stinkin problems. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. I do enjoy those Madagascar penguins. Laugh to keep from crying. Story of my life.

I had a dust up or two recently that lets me know maybe I’m not covering as well as I thought I could. I even tried to go back to therapy but after 3 sessions I was cured! Told I was a breath of fresh air who had a good handle on how to deal with my issues. Hmmm. Well I guess I can still hide with the best of ’em. Hence the reason for the list.

But now as I write this post, I realize that making a list is akin to scoring my troubles. Back to zero sum game after adding the pluses up too. What’s a girl to do? I only want to recognize the pain instead of pretending the pain isn’t there. I’m not looking for sympathy either. I’d be all Gecko Someone help me, I have a flat tire! If sympathy was my angle. And yep that’s a repeat commercial below. I laugh every time I see it. And I need more laughter.

I’m just trying to keep on swimming and btw, swimming is my favorite exercise. I regret all the years I stayed out of the water to avoid disrupting my hair color. Uberly stupid.

While I make my mental list to confirm what I’ve written, I realize I haven’t included the injuries and near misses. Accidents happened to three people very dear to me. Both of B’s parents too. MoMo a broken shoulder and PoPo a broken leg. Emotional meltdowns were had by both my kids. Somehow those instances are softer since they’re in the rear view mirror. No looking back. All of this is happening to the backdrop of real word events, some horrific in nature. Pile on after pile on. Those impacted me too. Indirectly sure but as a human being I’d have to be really twisted not to care.

Now what’s left? To get over the hump. How do I move forward?

The number is nine. Nine wonderful people I know irl have passed away in those 18 months. Four from Covid, one was my brother who while we were not that close, we were still family. My sweet sister took care of everything. She sent me his picture, a prayer card, and a ‘bill’ which are tucked in for safe keeping. I take them from the space on my desk and look at them off and on. Two of whom died by suicide. Two from cancer or cancer related complications. One heart attack. I never even told my immediate team at work. No time off. Though once or twice I worked around virtual services. No true grieving, just keep swimming. That can’t be healthy.

Admitting these feelings now is freeing. The genie is out of the proverbial bottle. I may not burst after all. I may be just like the bionic woman, better, faster, stronger.

As always, more to come.

Where Were You? ~ 9/15/21

I’m sticking with a theme of late. Where were you in ’42? or ’62? That’s a movie I think?? Where the Boys Are. Now that for sure is a movie. I was reminded of it last week. I enjoyed watching the rerun on TV years after the big screen debut. And of course I read the book. You always have to read the book doncha know. Alrighty, moving on …

Where were you 37 years ago on this day? Around 3:00 pm, B and I were at St. MM Catholic Church getting hitched. Seems like yesterday and forever ago in an instant. Yep we’ve been happily betrothed for almost 2/3rds of our lives. If I did the math right. I’m likely over estimating but very close since we’re closer to 60 than 50. Doh! Oh the humanity!! said in my Gecko from the GEICO commercial voiceover voice. ha! I’ve got a flat tire. Oh no I don’t.

My mood is giddy. Tonight we’ll celebrate with some great steaks since food is meant to be shared, another nugget from last week. If not for the middle of the week and the delta, we might be partaking inside a restaurant. Pappadeaux of course. Which we’ve been to during the pandemic after being fully vaccinated and pre delta. The experience was lackluster, not worth the extra effort in my opinion, though I hear tell the standards are becoming more lax. Doesn’t make sense to me but oh well. Steaks at home are a wonderful substitute.

Some say marriage is hard work. We haven’t found that to be the case. Now don’t get me wrong, being married as long as we have isn’t easy but work? Not so much. I had a boss who used to say, if you love what you do, you’ll never work another day in your life. See the similarities? If you think of marriage as a job that is … How absolutely unromantic. That’s okay, romance can be overrated.

Anyhoo, for better or worse, through thick and thin, ’til death do us part. Cheers to 37 years with many more to come God willing and the creek don’t rise.

As always, more to come.

#1linerWeds. 9/15/21

Lookie here for the rules and ping back. Thanks Linda!! I’m writing this in advance so I won’t match the theme today. This one liner also requires some background. We’re living in Zoomlandia at work. That’s my made up word for the environment. We have Zoom meeting after Zoom meeting. We turn Slack messages into Zoom calls. Constant connection despite the miles. Pretty cool actually since yesterday I got to Zoom into out London office. Next best thing to being there. Well no it isn’t really next best but it’ll do. Actually being there would be a bucket list item come true. Anyway I digress. Moving on …

As I popped into a quick call last week, the other recipient’s camera was on the fritz. I see a fuzzy blank screen but I hear a hold on just a minute. Then in the sweetest Texas drawl, my coworker tells me …

There you go, just takes a jiggle.

That’s it. I’m easily amused. Maybe you had to be there? lol 😂

As always more to come.

Share Your World ~ 9/14/21

Thanks to Melanie for the questions. On the note about happiness, Frida agrees too. See my feature image. Next on to the main event!!!!

QUESTIONS 

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done? Without a doubt yes. No wait! Hmmmm. I sure do talk a lot, which is why at first I thought yes I will say more. But I am also a plodder/planner/thinker who almost always comes through on her promises. Maybe a better answer is that I hope to say and do an equal amount with a goal to do/give more whenever possible.

What does the world need less of? Mean, unkind, people.

Do you feel older or younger than your age?  I feel younger. Like I’m only nineteen, the age I was when so many things happened all at once setting the trajectory for the remainder of my life. Then I look in the mirror and realize, that girl is long gone. Physically anyway. Mentally, all bets are off. lol.

What is a cause you’ll always passionately support? I don’t want to be political here but my passionate about topic has become headline news political. A woman’s right to choose. This doesn’t mean I’m pro-abortion; I’m not. And I’ll leave it at that.

GRATITUDE SECTION (as always, optional) What is your personal affirmation if you have one?   (for this instance “affirmation means emotional support or encouragement.”)  They change daily. I received a packet of affirmation cards 52 weeks worth. While looking at the cards was intended to be a weekly exercise, I pull a card from the stack each workday. Today we have: I Possess the Humility Needed to Ask Questions and Keep Learning.

As always, more to come.

#SLS ~ 9/12/21

Jim as suggested by Lady A prompts us with Devoted, Faithful, Honorable, Loyal, True. I’m going sentimental. I picked True Love Ways. Songwriters Buddy Holly and Norman Petty.

Just you know why
Why you and I
Will bye and bye
Know true love ways

Sometimes we’ll sigh
Sometimes we’ll cry
And we’ll know why
Just you and I
Know true love ways

Throughout the days
Our true love ways
Will bring us joys to share
With those who really care

Sometimes we’ll sigh
Sometimes we’ll cry
And we’ll know why
Just you and I
Know true love ways

Throughout the days
Our true love ways
Will bring us joys to share
With those who really care

Sometimes we’ll sigh
Sometimes we’ll cry
And we’ll know why
Just you and I
Know true love ways

Here’s a little more from the Wiki.

Sunday Reflections: A Week in Review ~ 9/12/21

Quick roll call for today.

Peace y’all. Until next time. Stay safe.

As always, more to come.

Bluer than blue ~ 9/11/21

9/11/21 is one of those clear September days where the sky is bluer than blue. Much like the day 20 years ago before everything turned upside down. Lulu and I opted to make today a day of self care. No plans, no rushing around, rolling with the flow. Facials tonight. Pony and B are at the place working to finish off the facilities. This hunting season we’ll have a bathroom. Yipee!!

I decided to fill up my car since last night when we went to get take out, we were running on fumes. We have grocery run Sunday which meant getting gas today would simply be easier. No need to leave any earlier than we already do. Plus in the spirit of self-care, I wanted a Dr. Pepper icee to which I am sadly addicted. Or not sadly. A vice that only hurts me if I over indulge but I don’t. Except when I do which is once or twice a month.

Did I mention the skies are bluer than blue? I love the feeling of the sun on my skin after leaving the cool house for the warm car. Sometimes the inside of the car is too hot but today, not so much, just bright and warm. I looked at the miles, 104,528. I thought hmmm, 4,528 miles in a year is nothing. Then I did the math. I hit 100K miles in October of 2019, not 2020. That means 4,528 miles in 23 months, almost two years!

I back out, then drive ahead down our s shaped road stopping at the mailbox. But no mail today. Might be a postal day off? Or should be but also maybe we just didn’t get anything. I pass the land for sale to my right and the house going up on my left. Finally I’m out on the highway. Driving west down Hwy 87 is always a treat. Again I notice that the skies are remarkable. I feel peace.

Gas prices came down since Labor Day, I pass Valero at $2.59 and when I see QT at $2.61, I briefly think I should turn around. But I want my DP Icee dammit. lol.

Serendipity, very few cars. I pull right in and start fueling. Or try to. Something was weird with the handle and I almost moved to another pump. But I clicked the little thingy and wa-la, it worked.

While the gas is going in, I get the window wiper and start at the front windshield. I hear the honking but think nothing of it. As I go around the car, I look over and there’s a guy parked by the side of the store, in his truck, pulling a trailer with a boat. He’s gesturing at me. I’m not done with the windows but I put the wand back into the water. The gas finally topped off and I hook the hose back up. Before I could get into my car, he pulls over right next to me, cracks his window and yells “hurry the fuck up old lady”

The guy on the other side of me filling his car says “that’s sure uncalled for” While I said “yea I didn’t know there was a time limit”.

Now I’ve got a decision to make. Go in or go home. I still haven’t got my DP Icee. I watched to see where he went to help me decide. I thought he was going to circle around to my spot but instead the other end was open and he stopped there. Whew!

Inside the store, two of the fucks with him were getting their snacks. I went right for my prize and got in line behind them. Both hastily stepped aside, “after you, seriously after you”. I paused thinking I didn’t want to get hit from behind for taking too long to check out but I went anyway. Maybe they are not like their friend I thought. Though “birds of a feather” ya know.

Their boat had what I’ll call a unique identifier on it. A Trump 2024 flag. Now I don’t want to make this political because it isn’t. And I can’t judge the whole group but one bad actor. Or can I? Hmmm What would you do?

I’ve been telling Lulu this a lot lately. Forgiveness is for YOU not the other person. I’m not going to stoop. This person regardless of his political affliction (oops I mean affiliation, Freudian slip) is a sad little man. Bless his heart! He’s not bringing me down. Especially on my daddy’s heavenly birthday.

I did it again, I got the bad feelings out with words. Whew! Now that’s the stuff. Glad B isn’t here. He’d probably go try to find him. Kick his ass. lol. Defending my honor. I mean what the hell? Minding my own effin’ bidness. The worst part of all of this y’all is that I now have to truly accept the fact the I AM indeed an old lady.

As always, more to come.

Never Forget ~ 9/11/21

The below is a copy of what I wrote in 2014, seven years ago. FB memories are good for something. I stayed pretty close in today’s #SoCS.

B was at work, Lulu was at Salem Sayers Mother’s Day Out, and Pony was in school. I was working nights in regional services but had the day off.

P and I were planning dad’s annual birthday dinner at either Pesos Cafe or Snoga’s with cake and ice cream at the house after. We stayed on the phone (not saying much) just on the phone as we watched the TV simultaneously, in two different cities.

One crash, then two, then they are saying the crash was on purpose. People jumping from buildings as a choice to burning to death. All of it was un-freaking-believable. One of those moments that we’d look back on and remember where we were and what we were doing on that infamous day.

My dad would be 98 years old today if he were still alive. He liked to celebrate and lived a good life. He taught us well and we live by his example. These two candids from his party on the Saturday four days after September, 11 2001 are all that I can find. I am grateful I have them. I am grateful we didn’t cancel. I am grateful that we will NEVER forget.

Now for my thoughts on this 20th anniversary. I’m still grateful but for completely different reasons. I’m also overwhelmed. Life is a cluster for all the things. You know them well. Sadly, in many instances, I think the collective ‘we’ forgot. The divide in this country is the size of the Grand Canyon. My heart hurts, I can’t watch the news. Still through social media “news” bleeds through. Distorted and twisted. Not sure what to believe. Yet as bad as things get, we’re spared the brunt of it. My family is blessed. I’ve no idea why. I feel guilty. Then I try not to dwell on it. Maybe some things are best left unknown.

As always, more to come.

#SoCS ~ 9/11/21

Good morning everyone. Linda provides us with the following prompt: Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “where.” Use it any way you’d like! HERE are the rules and ping back. Might be a very fitting day to have company and be united.

I’ve been active on WordPress since 2016 which means this is the first time 9/11 fell on a Saturday. I almost skipped today since my usual cheeky fodder isn’t appropriate … at least not on a day like today where we remember one of the most tragic events in our lifetime. I’m watching all the documentaries again, even came across a new one about the women of 9/11. What a moving tribute.

Where was I on that fateful day? I was at home, with a day off. At the time I was working the night shift being the day time nanny for LuLu while B was the night time nanny. That’s our little joke. She is our precious miracle and we’re her parents not her nannies. B was at work, Pony at school, and I had just dropped off LuLu at Mother’s Day Out. She was almost 4 and we wanted her to be around other kids her age to learn to play nice. Oh who am I kidding, she always played nice.

Back home, I was watching a morning talk show when my sister called. Dad’s b-day #85 was that day and we were planning his party for that Saturday. As we talked on the phone, I heard the newscaster break in to the show. We were in utter disbelief. We stayed on the phone for hours, quietly talking while simultaneously watching TV 150 miles apart. The most vivid flashbulb memory was this …

P: “That man jumped from the building?”

Me: “Wait! What? Why would he do that?”

P: “To keep from burning”

Me: “Huh? No wait. Come again??”

We couldn’t even fathom. How could this happen? My brain wouldn’t let me comprehend a circumstance that would make jumping from a building the preferred choice. That’s not something they talked a whole lot about. In the documentary, the women of 9/11, one of the survivors, a reporter, talked about the conscious decision to remove all those particular photos and videos from the stream/archives. She talked about hearing the thuds. And we saw that too in almost real time. To this day, I shudder thinking about it.

We were in a time when cell phones were not nearly as prevalent. Still 24/7 news was already a thing. And that news was devastating but in the devastation, America united. In our own little corner of the country, we kept things as normal as we could. We still had dad’s birthday party with all the bells and whistles. I mean 85 is a milestone after all. If he was still living, today he’d be 105.

In 2012, we made our first trip to NYC. A place I wanted to visit from my earliest memories. The culture, the history, BROADWAY! Everything about the city appealed to me. The 9/11 Memorial was a place we visited, and went back to in 2013, 2014, and 2016. There is no apt way to describe the feeling of being there. A place where respect for other human beings permeates your soul. From the ashes, the phoenix rises.

As always, more to come.