So, … My Last Bite

No leftovers today. Boo. Wasting moola we might not make more of in the future. Geez I’ve got to get over this worry. B is actually out today bidding on work. He’s doing what needs to be done. Why should he worry?? That’s my department.

Back to the beginning … I’m eating lunch. A turkey club with guacamole and alfalfa sprouts. No chips or soda because tomorrow is my Health Risk Assessment at work. If I do good, I’ll get 500 points. I get 100 just for showing up. Saweet.

I’m also about to embark on a wellness journey and I’ve been reading about IF. Not if but IF. A movement called intermittent fasting. I’m sure it’s the opposite of health but wtf. One guy joked that we all practice IF … it’s called sleeping 😴. Lol. True enough.

My hours to eat will be 10 to 6. Then boom the window closes. I’m going to find a sustainable meal plan too. No more sammiches of the three slices of bread variety. But I’m not going cuckoo. I’ll still eat the occasional sammich.

I may or may not post about my wellness “journey”. Dang I hate that word. Corporate speak. I’m a gypsy in a white collar world. Everything isn’t a journey. This is a quest!! Lol.

To follow that star. No matter how hopeless. No matter how far. To fight for the right without question or pause. To be willing to march into hell for a heavenly cause.

Dang. Sing it sister. My Glee Club days are showing.

Have a good one y’all.

As always more to come.

So, … I Blame The Full Moon

I had another sleepless night.  Well maybe that description is not accurate.  I went to bed at a decent hour and fell fast asleep.  I just didn’t stay that way.  I have a tactic that really works which is not to look at the clock when I do wake up.  I also use deep breathing and anxiety techniques.  I almost always fall back asleep as evidenced by weird dreams and waking with a start when the alarm finally goes off.

In my dream this morning, I ran into friends of my parents having lunch.  I stopped to talk and they told me my brother had been moved into their nursing home and I should come back with them to visit him. The scene was all very “Cool Kids” FOX TV show that airs on Fridays.  What I saw in my dream like state was horrific though.  Not comical in the least.  I stepped through a blood spattered tiled hallway.  I was anxious thinking I would be infected but some incurable disease.  I made it down the hallway and was peeking through a window to a rec room.  I saw him sitting around a table with others.  Then I decided I did not want him to see me.  At that moment,  beep, beep, beep goes the alarm.

I realized I did not write out the demons about what happened to my brother.   I felt it was not my story to tell but obviously, his situation affected me.  My subconscious carries the weight.  One day soon, the weight might have to go.  I feel a releasing the hounds in my near future.

As always, more to come.

So, … My Head Hurts

We switched to the HRA and now our prescription drug coverage has a deductible.  Though in the marketing to compare and contrast the PCA and HRA, the literature said the RX coverage was the SAME!  Bullshit!

I also have a very teeny tiny HSA to buy my big red boat one day.

The inequity is just wrong.  We are still fortunate but now we are middle tier price-wise for medicine.  If only I didn’t know others got the same drugs for less. Of course to get back into best tier status, We’d have to go to a PCA and pay much more in premiums.  This is a racket I tell ya.  And sad that folks have to go without due to this crooked system.

I wish I knew what to do to help.

As always, more to come.

So, … It’s Not Me Or Is It?

My mouse is out of sorts and acting wacky.  Technical difficulties abound.  Then I see what others have done and think well I am following the same path.  Ergo, it’s not me.  But alas it must be. I must get over this FB ban for my own sanity.

Yeah, that’s right!  Snap out of it Jilly!!  You are NOT the sun.  The world revolves all on its’ own accord.  You are but a speck of dust in the cosmos.  Meaningless.

Well boo hoo.  Ms. Queen comma drama.  Again I say snap out of it!  “This is the day that the lord has made.  I will rejoice and be glad in it.”  That’s some Catholic school girl roots coming back to haunt me.  Yes I said haunt me.  Bittersweet.

I imagine my parents rolling over in their respective graves at how things have turned out.  Gruesome.  Not even close to a world without sin.  Amen.  More mental imagery and nostalgia.

Ugh, this too shall pass.  Always does before coming back again.  The trick is how do I break the cycle?

As always, more to come.

So, … Tis True

Everything has a breaking point.  Things you think you absolutely cannot bear and things you are SURE you will NEVER get over do eventually fade.  Often sooner than you think, we adapt and move on.  Or we are old and forget.  Toe-MA-toe, Tu-mah-toe.

I was cleaning up drafts today and deleted a whole big bunch of angst.  Whew!!! I feel the bad ju-ju lifting up and up and away in that beautiful balloon (kids’ song ear worm that I will not subject you fine folks to on this hazy gray day).

Lulu gave me her theory … that people choose not to share the bad stuff because doing so hurts too much.  She says to her that’s okay because … well because those things are private after all.  BUT silence has a BIG but … not sharing doesn’t mean they are not experiencing some genuine crap.  Everybody has something going on because nothing is perfect.  Sometimes those with the outward appearance of “having it all together” are the most in turmoil.  They have just become adept at covering the flaws.

How sad!  I want everyone to wallow with me in my misery.  Pity me!!

No I don’t want that.  I wish peace and happiness to the world.  Yet I am grateful for the sulky, suck-ass, kick in the gut stuff too since that is how I know the world is full of real true honest to goodness beauty.  Let’s just say that I am not buying the social media version of people’s perfect worlds anymore.  You don’t fool me.

Oh and FB can suck it because you have blocked me from sharing my own posts as they do not meet community standard.  What standard is that?  Huh?  Bite me!!!

As always, more to come.

So, … I’m MSU I Hope

The pain is back and almost unbearable. Not sure how to explain this because it’s really discomfort. And who among us can’t bear a little discomfort? But what I feel isn’t normal. And it’s constant. I’m lashing out like a wounded animal to those close to me. I’m powering through to everyone else. Distracting myself with any and everything. Like writing this post.

Back in the day I’d write out my worries and by doing so those worries would float up up and away. I’m not that naive any more. I need to get myself back to the doctor.

As always more to come.

So, … How to blow off steam

Doggies make everything better. Love my grand pups. This was yesterday and how I blew off steam. They kept me from going over the edge.

We passed a few wildflowers on our route. I could’ve eaten Dairy Queen 👑 at midnight or an entire package of Oreos. Healthy choices shouldn’t have to be hard.

As always more to come.

So, … Spilling secrets is good for the soul

Me in tears: I’m sorry you found out this way. How terrible.

Pony: Not for me but for you. I can’t even imagine what you went through.

Me: I had your dad. I wonder why we didn’t tell you?

Pony: Trying to spare me I guess.

Me hugging Pony and this time he even hugged back: Or we’ve got secrets.

Pony: Mom we all do.

And that is true. Ugh and yay. Ugh because it just feels ugh to have secrets. And yay because the weight of the world 🌎 goes up up and away once you spill them.

I still hurt all over y’all. My mind, body, and soul. Maybe this is the cause of my migraine. That and waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s always something waiting in the wings.

As always more to come.

So, … Unleash the Hounds Juxtaposed to Free Tree Day

Youse guys have no freakin idea.  I mean y’all.  I mean eff it.  I’m going to pound something out.  Minds outta the gutter people!!!

What the eff is she going on about now???

I am not even sure I can write coherently.

When have you ever?

Well that stings!

Stop!  beating yourself up.  The cause of your angst happened over was four years ago.  How’d you know then it’d ruin things again now?

To think the #SoCS prompt was critic(al) today.  Too bad you wrote this first.  You were happy as you went out to have the best day ever.  You returned home and CRASH!  sh!t hit the fan.  But now you rise like the effing Phoenix that you are.  Delusional?

Thing is …

I don’t want to out myself.

But you’re going to.  You always do.

Ugh!  Stop knowing me so well.

Okay, short hand version please.  No rat holes.

Alrighty.  We were high on oxygen; picking up our free tree.


Back home we decided to take the plunge and replace B’s 11 year old truck with 235,000 miles on it.  Went online for pre-approval; the interest rate was through the roof.  I called asking WTH.  Rep told me my credit score and I freaked.  Not his fault and today I didn’t misdirect my anger.  That is promising.  I adulted.

I freecreditreport dot com’ed it.  Sacribleu there is an account in collections as of a week ago!!  Rat bastards.  I was still appealing.  It’s been over four fucking years.  Why now?  Maybe I should be glad because at least we got the land at the best interest rate.  And as Pony so calmly pointed out, “You’re old mom.  Dad’s truck is likely the last thing you’ll ever again buy on credit. Haha!! or Too soon?” And I laughed which means timing just right.

Yes I refused to pay for “services” rendered.  Yes that sounds bad but wait til you hear my reason err excuse.   Why didn’t I pay?  Well because the “said services” were not rendered to our satisfaction!!  It was the principle of the thing!!!! We disputed and debated and disputed and debated some more.  Last I heard was my complaint was still under “review”.

I know I sound like the bad guy in this scenario but I could give you my sad tale of woe and you’d cry.  As I told Pony the story, B left the room.  He couldn’t take it.  I can’t believe we’d not told Pony about our poor “service experience” aka euphemism cuz this wasn’t about services not rendered.  This whatever this could be called was soul crushing.  And I am right dammit!  Guess I can’t be happy too.  Monday I’ll call collections to plead my case.  See if they can cut me a deal to pay and finally move on.

The moral to the story is pay your bills folks.  Then duke it out for reimbursement.

As always, more to come.