Random Musings 6/11/19

many things are 

worse than this

still I wonder

what gives?

how much more

can one man stand?

deep in thoughts

churning

racing

until out they come

fear erasing

sweet relief

by J-Dub © 6/9/19 posted 6/11/19

I remember (or do I?) as a kid how I’d write to release my anxiety.  Better out than in.  #AmIright?  What’s with all this #nonsense.  #lol. #justkiddingIlovehashtags

Funny how in absence of any adult assistance my mind self-soothed.  Until 1999ish when the bough broke and the cradle fell down.  That is definitely not a dig at my parents.  Both happened to be from the pull up your boot straps generation.  You didn’t talk about such matters.  Mind your own business and all that jazz.  I was simply sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve.

I decided to write this post to go back to my roots as it were.  I am not playing the blame game any longer.  People quite simply make stuff up.  I am people! They I want answers to why … even when sometimes there are no answers.  If you are not the “norm” you must have been traumatized or abused in some horrific way.

But that’s a fallacy or circular logic.  Not all depressed people were traumatized.  Many? Perhaps? But not ALL.  Life is rarely lived in absolutes.  Nope, I am not in denial.  Nothing made me this way!!!!!!

I yam what I yam à la Popeye.  I accept myself flaws and all.  And in spite of all my protesting to the contrary, I am a HAPPY person who laughs often … all day every day.  Sure at myself but that’s still laughing.  I even told my doctor I was in the best/worst head space of my life.  Best because I can talk myself off the ledge in 0 to 6 seconds.  I stomp my anxiety!  I am self-aware!!! Worst, there is just more stuff to wrap my brain around.  My worry list keeps growing. At least I recognize I’m MSU.

Now the proverbial question is why can’t I accept what’s up with my kiddo?  Why do I obsess and look for reasons why?  Why do I blame myself. Not B, just me! I’m the culprit. If only, if only, if only … then what?!?  Would that make any difference?  Nope.  Not one iota.  And now that I have used iota in a sentence I can move along.  Hehe.  Iota.  I love that word. 

Acceptance is the answer my friends.  I never needed AA but I will borrow their universally applied sageness.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

https://youtu.be/aQUlA8Hcv4s

As always, more to come.

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#grateful for Mapu

My dear friend Mapu sent me a text out of the blue. He included a music clip.

Listening to Rush

Thinking of u

So sweet. Made my day. Random acts of kindness. He’s telepathic. I needed to hear that song. Now I’m on a mission to pass it on.

As always more to come.

Scream

… negatory good buddy

Or is that 10/4 good buddy

I just got the all clear from my CT

I should be happy right?

Say right like you mean it 😂

As always more to come.

Happy 300!!

Since my WP media capacity is shrinking and I refuse to pay for more, I quit posting certain pictures knowing one day they will turn into ugly squares once I delete then from my media catalog.  Therefore my streak notification will remain just that a notification.  I wish I could snippet but alas I do not have snippet on this machine.

Instead I will loudly proclaim from the mountain tops of my mind, today is my 300th consecutive post in a row.  I have posted 2338 posts in total since that sad sad day back in July of 2016.  Back when I was preparing for Lulu’s big send off to college.  My nest was empty.  Now my nest of over full.  I have not shared that with y’all yet.  Only a few people know but that’s because it’s not my story to tell. And it’s not about Lulu.  It’s my Pony boy.

Only 65 more days to go before I can go back to a prompts mostly forum.  #SLS on Sundays, Ronovan’s Weekly Haiku Challenge on Mondays, #1linerWeds., and the cherry on the icing on the top of the proverbial sundae #SoCS on Saturdays.  No more Tuesday, Thursday, Friday filler.   Except when the words want out of my mouth.  Then you’ll get what you get.

Light at the end of the tunnel.  Bring it! It’s done been brought.  lol.  See Happy 300!!!!!

As always, more to come.

For 6/9/19 ~ “Desire”

Jim have us Desire/Lust/Romance/Passion as the prompt.  “Bad Romance” was all I could think of but that song is my least favorite from Lady Gaga and the video is strange.  I did a little search and mostly came up with love songs.  I wanted something with the actual word finally landing on the following:

Writer(s): ADAM CLAYTON, DAVE EVANS, PAUL HEWSON, LARRY MULLEN, U2

Hope you enjoy.  To join in, follow the link to the rules and ping back

As always more to come.

#SoCS for 6/8/19 ~ Word From Nearest Book

Hello fine folks of the blogosphere.  Time once again for #SoCS.  Today the lovely Linda gives us a prompt which requires some choosing.  Random finger pointing in the best way possible.  Not finger pointing as in placing blame.  You know what they say when you point a finger?  Three fingers are pointed back at you.  Ha!  I have turned into a soap box kinda gal haven’t I?

Nobody likes a tattletale.  But what about see something say something? … Tattle away please.  Blow that whistle!  Can you tell I’ve been at some airports lately?

Detouring from my long opening, here is the specific information:

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “open book, point, write.” Pick up the closest book to you when you sit down to write your post. Close your eyes, open the book, and place your finger on the page. Whatever word or phrase your finger lands on, write about it. Enjoy!

First off the closest book to me right now is “a spark of light” by Jodi Picoult.  As with all her books, the subject matter is intense, controversial, debatable.  I am enjoying my read because Jodi has a way of presenting both sides of an issue without picking a side.  Just the facts ma’am and then you decide … for yourself.  Her fiction reads like “real” life.  You know her characters.  Hell in some of her books you ARE her characters.

Without further ado, this is the phrase I landed on:

Now her brain – her celebrated retired professor brain …

Ah!  Let me introduce you to Olive.  Olive and her wife Peg have made a lovely home in the community.  She taught at the local university.  Her classes were the most popular, always full.  On the first day she performs an exercise to shows her students that their memories are mostly made up.  She photo-shops them into pictures of places they’ve never been but tells them she captured the images from their social media.  She asks them to briefly explain a memory from that day.  Sure enough, each student starts to create a false memory from the fake image.

Doing so is human’s coping mechanism … there is simply too much going on around us for us to take it in and remember it.  Not a single student says they can’t remember anything.  Fascinating stuff huh?  And true.  Jodi cites her sources and the above exercise came from a live case.  Makes me want to go back to a school and get a degree in psychology.

Okay, ‘nuf said.  This was fun y’all.  Thanks Linda for providing us the space to stream.

For the rest of you fine folks, to Join this Merry Band of Prompt Respondents, Click HERE!

As always more to come.

CT With Contrast

I told my doctor everything that was happening.  No facts were left out.   I said words that I was not sure I could utter but utter I did.  She said “let’s try and get you in today”.

I went right next door to STRIC.  Insurance approved with referral and they squeezed me in.  Bailey was my person.  He took good care of me.  I have to say I was surprised this all happened so quickly.  And perfect timing because I was actively having symptoms during the test.  If they say the results are negative, I am going to scream.

I keep tasting the contrast.  That is me making stuff up.  Or not.  Bailey warned me.  And of course, because he said so, I am experiencing what he said.  Sure enough I felt cool at the IV spot in the arm.  He said some people claim they can smell and taste it.  I definitely smelled something and my insides were on fire for only 30 seconds just like he said. Now all I can taste is metallic.

Could be worse.  Will know more in two weeks.  Unless they call me in sooner.  Until then, no news is good news.

As always, more to come.

BBQ & National Donut Day 2019

Our delayed flight finally landed, I got my bag and made it to my car by 1:30 something AM on 6/7/19.  Yay National Donut Day !!!  I had to maneuver around debris because of the storm as I drove myself home.  Surreal feeling in that I used to drive home late at night for a few years when I worked the night shift.  After hours is like a whole alternate universe.  I flashed right back to that time and felt the serene sense of downtime.

This morning before my appointment Lulu and I went to the Art of Donuts, Dough Lab.  I got birthday cake and she got unicorn.  These are basically yeast donuts with various flavored icing.  Mine was vanilla with sprinkles and Lulu’s was caramel rainbow glaze with edible glitter.  YUMMY!

Speaking of yummy, I am reporting back on Kansas City BBQ.  Simply put, it not Texas BBQ.  Lol.  Well duh??  🙂  No complaints.  The Q was good just not Tejas bueno.

We skipped Arthur Bryant’s because the nearest restaurant was too far away.  Instead we went to Jack Stack’s which was on the trolley line.  The menu was a novel with more to choose from than I could have imagined.  I could go everyday for a month and not eat the same thing twice.  I ended up getting the burnt ends as they came highly recommended.  I was supposed to choose two meats but couldn’t decide.  I ended up getting double pork.  My sides were some kind of queso corn thingy and cole slaw.  Oh and my co-worked got some BBQ shrimp appetizer that was excellent.

Back to burnt ends … they are not burnt .. no crunchy bark … they’re called burnt because the meat spends more time in the smoker.  I am telling ya it is fall apart good.  The sauce was good.  They had both original and spicy but none of us could tell the difference.  KC does spicy by adding more black pepper but it really wasn’t too hot.

We rolled on outta there. Took an Uber to Harrah’s.  I played black jack and thoroughly enjoyed my time.  $5 table y’all.  If I lived there, we’d have a problem.  I could have stayed all night.  Intoxicating for sure.  And I have an addictive personality already so being able to gamble any time I want would be too tempting.

Okay, I would quit my day job to become a food blogger gambler.  I got nothing else.  This post is going out with a whimper.  Ttyl as the kids say.

As always, more to come.