First, happy heavenly birthday brother in law. I did something sort of morbid. But to me it was healing. Your mom has your old cell phone with your personal voicemail message still on it. I had Lulu call the number then I recorded your voice saying the most mundane leave a message greeting. Losing you was hard enough. We’re keeping the last words we have from you for eternity. Next time we call the number, I may just leave a message. See I told you, I’m creepy. Even more so, I made audio messages for the kids. A do not open until I’m gone kind of thing.
Second, I’m writing this in advance while my feelings are top of mind. As a writer, even the unpaid, as a hobby kind of writer, I find inspiration in everything I observe. The world is full of fodder for my next story. Last weekend was a time where the potential content was off the chain.
- After a two day conference of “forced family fun” (F cubed is an inside joke of course), I went home to relax into oblivion.
- Instead I read a post about the passing of a fellow blogger. I was shocked but not completely because the struggle was real & she never shied away from talking about mental health. Her bravery helped so many people. I was inspired to reach out my cohort and I did, but not all of them. Though I truly wanted to talk, the words wouldn’t come. Instead, I went to bed.
- I slept better than I have in a long time. Much need rest after wearing myself out emotionally for months. I’m coming up on the one year anniversary of something completely unexpected & life altering. I’ve cried more in the last year than all 57 years prior combined. And not just weepy boo hoo, guttural keening. My avoidance is catching up to me.
- Saturday was self indulgent which means Starbucks & Chinese cuisine. Not together. Obviously. I played photographer for the kids: Lulu & the BF, who were all dressed up for a costume/pumpkin carving party. Then I went home & was truly alone for the first time in forever. Time did that warped thing. Hours went by in mere seconds. I feel like I blinked & it was bedtime again.
- Sunday we are full of routines but my shopping partner stayed out all night. That meant I did the double grocery run by myself. Double is grabbing what’s on PoPo’s list + our own. She surprised me coming home early though. That meant despite purchasing on my own, I had help for the drop off. Thank goodness.
- B and Pony were away again. I do love them being together but they were working too which meant they’d be home late which meant skipping the weekly nursing home visit. Since Lulu showed up early, she & I stepped in. Tomorrow I’ll finish with my report on GuadalupeValley.
Breaking this blog post into two parts. I didn’t realize I’d have so much to expel. Release the hounds. No matter what that brings.
As always more to come.
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 