Beyond what I wrote on the blog, this week was action packed. I have so many worries. I need to release the hounds before roll call. Warning, this post may not make much sense. I’m spilling thoughts onto the page as they come to me. TMI warning, I will write about medical things.
First, I don’t want to return to office. Or better explained I do want to return desperately. I want my life back. But not under these conditions. Testing on the honor system when honor is a core value should relieve me but people are human. Two different people told me they thought testing was stupid & not for them. I hope their non-testing stance keeps them at home but they are hybrid just like me. Ultimately he said she said, I cannot make a claim without proof they will disobey.
Sadly don’t trust anyone (not fully) except B. If I get sick and pass it on to my vulnerable in-laws, I will never forgive myself. If I get sick and die, I will haunt whichever fellow employee brings it in the building for all eternity. If I bring it in, I will never ever forgive myself. See! Ugh. I already went back multiple times already without incident. And I tell myself to just wear my mask even if everyone in the place ridicules me. What the hell do I care what anyone else thinks of me?
I read too much on the matter of Covid anyway. What do I believe when there are two sides so diametrically opposed? Look at me using big words in the right context. Maybe I do still have some of my faculties? Not enough to decipher this mess.
Second, my physical woes. I saw the vascular surgeon this past Thursday. The nurse, then the PA, the Dr. M. There nurse was terse. Not even remotely friendly. Why are you here? The PA was distracted. I didn’t share but he took two calls while he was examining me. The first one he says “can’t talk but yes”. The second was for an extended warranty. “I hate prank calls” he says. Well, I hate PAs taking phone calls while with a patient. The doctor saw me for mere minutes before saying guess we’ll do a venogram to rule out pelvic congestion syndrome, something he already suspects I don’t have. I’m like a guinea pig or a plaything.
But Mister PA tells me how easy the procedure is, only 30 minutes, no incision just a needle, and I can drive myself. However when I spoke to the nurse to schedule on Friday, I learn that I will be sedated so I need a driver. She is not sure why he told me otherwise. Some don’t get sedation, a choice, did I choose that? Hell no, knock me out like what happened for my colonoscopy. Also the entire process will take 3 hours. I’m worried about the IV. My poor vein has been poked 5 times in the last 30 days. Same vein is used because there is not much to choose from. B says, just do it, he will be there for me. But I’m torn and not in any kind of hurry.
Then the events at River Walk yesterday have stayed with me. I still can’t get that poor man out of my head. He purposely jumped into the river. It’s only 4 feet deep so we don’t think he wanted to drown himself and he climbed back out almost immediately. I have a family member 1/2 brother who may have done the same. I keep telling Lulu he reminded me of D but we both know the guy yesterday was too young to be D. Still hits close to home and there is a familiarity.
Okay, there’s more like meeting the financial planner this week and moving accounts to a new company. I don’t think they are trying to fleece me but see above. I trust no one but B. The thought of losing everything stresses me. Plus I’m over word count. Plus squared, I still have a roll call to do. Guess I’ll split that part into a 2nd post.
As always, more to come.