Thursday Thoughts the Play-by-Play Edition ~ 4/7/22

I’m all checked in. Going to be a long one. The waiting room is packed. But this practice is huge. Hope I get in close to my original appointment time.

They have freaking vans dropping people off. Many are here for physical therapy. That helped me once upon a time.

Nerves are jittering. That’s fo sho. Heaven help me. I should’ve brought my rosary 📿

As always more to come.

Jilly’s A-to-Z for 4/7/22 – Face / Fearless / Forgive

Face / Fearless / Forgive

Unable to Face

Fearless she made her choices

Forgive or regret

This one is deeply personal to me. I’m going through a rough patch and sharing the physical parts because somehow that is easier. At 10:00 a.m. CDT today I have my follow-up appointment with a vascular surgeon. My therapist says keep the appointment. If anything he can rule out one more thing. Done and Done.

But there is emotional and mental stuff going on too. I’m being purposefully cryptic due to fear. The shame of having to hide myself is unbearable but if I all of a suddenly brought in all that other stuff, out of the blue, I have to wonder what people would think of me. And sadly what other people think has and will always be more important to me than what I myself think or feel. Hey feeling would have been a great 4th F if I have gone a for 5/7/5 double. So would fake for that matter.

My social experiment with an alias has backfired on me. I took a chance and made the choice to use my irl account only to be blocked by found family immediately. A virtual slap in the face. I’m not even worthy of a what the hell, get away from me.

Lulu is using her psychology on me; “Well mom he didn’t curse you out, I give him points for that“. I tried to explain my preference for a verbal smackdown because that meant I was worthy of his ire. The thin line between love and hate. Indifference and silence have been normalized and that is increasingly cruel. Oh well, I can’t make anyone like me. Relationships are a two way street.

As always, more to come.