I did something people might consider morbid but I’m trying to make sense of the senseless. I wrote down the names of everyone I know who has died since March of 2020; the month that for me will live in infamy. The beginning of the end.
I’ve written ad nauseum about the pandemic. The neverending cycle of crap. The worry and anxiety are overwhelming but lately the overtness of that moves into the background. Truth be told, I am suppressing too much. I’m doing that thing I do where I discount my feelings as not worthy enough to have because someone always has a worse situation. My former therapist helped me see that we shouldn’t discount our feelings because life is not a zero sum game. I might be using the term incorrectly, most people do but oh well. In layman’s terms, if I win you lose. The takeaway is that my level of suck may not be as bad as yours but what I am experiencing still sucks all the same.
I have become very good at faking it. Excellent in fact. I’m HAPPY!! Right?!?? I’m the good little girl, people pleaser, rule follower, sweet, kind, demure. Problems? We don’t got no stinkin problems. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. I do enjoy those Madagascar penguins. Laugh to keep from crying. Story of my life.
I had a dust up or two recently that lets me know maybe I’m not covering as well as I thought I could. I even tried to go back to therapy but after 3 sessions I was cured! Told I was a breath of fresh air who had a good handle on how to deal with my issues. Hmmm. Well I guess I can still hide with the best of ’em. Hence the reason for the list.
But now as I write this post, I realize that making a list is akin to scoring my troubles. Back to zero sum game after adding the pluses up too. What’s a girl to do? I only want to recognize the pain instead of pretending the pain isn’t there. I’m not looking for sympathy either. I’d be all Gecko Someone help me, I have a flat tire! If sympathy was my angle. And yep that’s a repeat commercial below. I laugh every time I see it. And I need more laughter.
I’m just trying to keep on swimming and btw, swimming is my favorite exercise. I regret all the years I stayed out of the water to avoid disrupting my hair color. Uberly stupid.
While I make my mental list to confirm what I’ve written, I realize I haven’t included the injuries and near misses. Accidents happened to three people very dear to me. Both of B’s parents too. MoMo a broken shoulder and PoPo a broken leg. Emotional meltdowns were had by both my kids. Somehow those instances are softer since they’re in the rear view mirror. No looking back. All of this is happening to the backdrop of real word events, some horrific in nature. Pile on after pile on. Those impacted me too. Indirectly sure but as a human being I’d have to be really twisted not to care.
Now what’s left? To get over the hump. How do I move forward?
The number is nine. Nine wonderful people I know irl have passed away in those 18 months. Four from Covid, one was my brother who while we were not that close, we were still family. My sweet sister took care of everything. She sent me his picture, a prayer card, and a ‘bill’ which are tucked in for safe keeping. I take them from the space on my desk and look at them off and on. Two of whom died by suicide. Two from cancer or cancer related complications. One heart attack. I never even told my immediate team at work. No time off. Though once or twice I worked around virtual services. No true grieving, just keep swimming. That can’t be healthy.
Admitting these feelings now is freeing. The genie is out of the proverbial bottle. I may not burst after all. I may be just like the bionic woman, better, faster, stronger.
As always, more to come.