Egads!!!!! ~ 9/16/21

Dang, this is going to be a dervish. I went to physical therapy (PT) today. I’ve had pain for a while and blogged about it ad nauseum. Ad nauseum is another word I am over using much like my lil gecko from Geico flat tire commercial, Ugh! Make it stop!!!

Okay. Stop!

I went back to PT after undergoing a second series or battery (like in battering ram) of tests all showing negative. Muscular skeletal she said. PT will help. And from expereince it sure did. Gabe, I need you Gabe! But that was then and this is now.

I was nervous about being in a people-ly place. But I was also relieved by the protocol per their website. I felt good about the masks required and curtains between patients. I did everything online too because they want everything as contactless as possible.

The first thing that gave me pause was the location … in a strip mall. Yep I am the queen comma drama. Diva! My other place was part of a group medical office buildings. Not a neighbor to freaking Jimmy Johns. The receptionist was very nice but informs me they are not in network and my co pay is $25. Not $95 since I met my deductible. Hmmm. Why am I here? In-Network would be free. Plus when given a choice, even if I have to drive across town, I always choose in network. Do I want to pay now? Why the hell not!!

I was seen 15 minutes after my appointment which isn’t bad except my other place was a well oiled machine. And the only reason I was taken back 15 minutes late was so the guy (not my Gabe) could enter the notes from the patient who left right before me. Do the damn notes on your own time!

The assessment was right out in the open, they don’t use no stinkin curtains. The rat bastard liars. My old place took me into a private room. And while the guy (not my Gabe) wore a mask and wore it the right way, he was sniffling and coughing like crazy. Uh yea, I’m positive he gave me the Rona.

At least my mind is preparing me for that. I’m not making light. It’s anxiety! I even told B if I get sick to sue the place which you can’t but damn. I kept telling myself, he only has allergies, it has to be allergies, surely he would not ignore their own directions about staying away if you feel sick?!? It’s allergies became like a hum in my brain … my mantra. Forgive those who trespass against us …

I got a little bit of manipulation and three at home exercises, then I was almost done. As I was laying and/or lying there at the end, with heat (when I told them I prefer ice dammit), the patient next to me, a sweet Army vet easily in his 70s was moaning. He told the guy I had to force myself to come here today. He went on it hurts by my incision. But do what you gotta do. I’m not shy about telling ya to stop. During the process, I heard Christ this hurts!! I can’t take it, hold on! Broke my heart.

Twice a week for three weeks was recommended. But I skipped scheduling any follow-ups. Took the business card and said I would call. I won’t. Getting into my car was excruciating. That little manipulation caused new pain in different places. Lulu says maybe it is supposed to be that way. Worse before it gets better?? Guess I’ll never find out.

Back on the highway, lead footing it home, I detoured to QT for a DP icee. Don’t cha know. If I’m gonna lose my taste soon, I wanted one last hurrah. LOL. Funny? Or not funny? Kinda, sorta, maybe? Those mo-fo’s.

As always, more to come.

Thursday Thoughts ~ 9/16/21

I did something people might consider morbid but I’m trying to make sense of the senseless. I wrote down the names of everyone I know who has died since March of 2020; the month that for me will live in infamy. The beginning of the end.

I’ve written ad nauseum about the pandemic. The neverending cycle of crap. The worry and anxiety are overwhelming but lately the overtness of that moves into the background. Truth be told, I am suppressing too much. I’m doing that thing I do where I discount my feelings as not worthy enough to have because someone always has a worse situation. My former therapist helped me see that we shouldn’t discount our feelings because life is not a zero sum game. I might be using the term incorrectly, most people do but oh well. In layman’s terms, if I win you lose. The takeaway is that my level of suck may not be as bad as yours but what I am experiencing still sucks all the same.

I have become very good at faking it. Excellent in fact. I’m HAPPY!! Right?!?? I’m the good little girl, people pleaser, rule follower, sweet, kind, demure. Problems? We don’t got no stinkin problems. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave. I do enjoy those Madagascar penguins. Laugh to keep from crying. Story of my life.

I had a dust up or two recently that lets me know maybe I’m not covering as well as I thought I could. I even tried to go back to therapy but after 3 sessions I was cured! Told I was a breath of fresh air who had a good handle on how to deal with my issues. Hmmm. Well I guess I can still hide with the best of ’em. Hence the reason for the list.

But now as I write this post, I realize that making a list is akin to scoring my troubles. Back to zero sum game after adding the pluses up too. What’s a girl to do? I only want to recognize the pain instead of pretending the pain isn’t there. I’m not looking for sympathy either. I’d be all Gecko Someone help me, I have a flat tire! If sympathy was my angle. And yep that’s a repeat commercial below. I laugh every time I see it. And I need more laughter.

I’m just trying to keep on swimming and btw, swimming is my favorite exercise. I regret all the years I stayed out of the water to avoid disrupting my hair color. Uberly stupid.

While I make my mental list to confirm what I’ve written, I realize I haven’t included the injuries and near misses. Accidents happened to three people very dear to me. Both of B’s parents too. MoMo a broken shoulder and PoPo a broken leg. Emotional meltdowns were had by both my kids. Somehow those instances are softer since they’re in the rear view mirror. No looking back. All of this is happening to the backdrop of real word events, some horrific in nature. Pile on after pile on. Those impacted me too. Indirectly sure but as a human being I’d have to be really twisted not to care.

Now what’s left? To get over the hump. How do I move forward?

The number is nine. Nine wonderful people I know irl have passed away in those 18 months. Four from Covid, one was my brother who while we were not that close, we were still family. My sweet sister took care of everything. She sent me his picture, a prayer card, and a ‘bill’ which are tucked in for safe keeping. I take them from the space on my desk and look at them off and on. Two of whom died by suicide. Two from cancer or cancer related complications. One heart attack. I never even told my immediate team at work. No time off. Though once or twice I worked around virtual services. No true grieving, just keep swimming. That can’t be healthy.

Admitting these feelings now is freeing. The genie is out of the proverbial bottle. I may not burst after all. I may be just like the bionic woman, better, faster, stronger.

As always, more to come.