Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/19/21

*** Trigger Warning ****

The swirling thoughts are a whirling dervish of worry. Calgon take me away. If only a bubble bath could solve problems long term instead of temporarily pushing them away.

As much as I’m an open book, I also keep things close to the vest. I’m odd about what I share and what I push down/bottle up. Some ‘stuff’ is happening again that makes me want to scream from the rooftops but I stop short in these are not my stories to tell. And/or I think no one cares to listen to you whine Jilly. Or worse, I believe my ‘stuff’ is not important since others have situations worse than mine. Damn that part of therapy didn’t take. My feelings are second class citizens.

I did a little writing exercise. Old school pen and paper. I timestamped the date March 16, 2020. That was the Monday after Spring Break where I returned from a week of vacation to work from home. Yep, I got the call, don’t come back until this blows over. The ‘this’ was Covid-19 and the virus is still blowing us down.

A lifetime of “stuff” has occurred over this past 17 months. Mind boggling actually. My list beings simply with that date. No real form or fashion, only bullet points of trauma. Ya, I said trauma. And these are things on my list that do not directly impact me. But being witness is sometimes as traumatic. My list contains an in memorandum section. Jesus weeps, the list is long.

I only put people I knew in real life, either by work, school, community. I included children of friends, co-workers, family members. Yep I lost a brother during Covid and a cousin. My brother was in his late 70s, in a nursing home, had dementia among other ailments. They still have his cause of death as the Rona despite several of the family thinking he had so much other health woes going on that cause of death should be changed. My cousin was quite tragic in that hers was not by natural causes. In fact, three people I know besides her died by suicide in that timespan.

For the last 4 days, I have been sitting here with knots in my stomach. Twisted gut syndrome I call it and pretty sure it is mentally induced. All the tests are negative so this has to be emotions manifesting as physical pain. I have been worried about my Pony Boy. I told B something was up but I didn’t know what. Ever since the dust up on Christmas Eve we’ve been out of sync. But then things returned to normal. People only worry about the ones who aren’t smiling. We never worry about the gregarious. And my boy is a jokester. Our son-shine. Mister happy-go-lucky. Sweetest kid ever.

He basically had a breakdown for reasons that shall remain locked up tight. He showed up at my door in the middle of the day. Told me all about it without too many specifics. He’s my twinkie and he also bottled up too much ‘stuff’ until the bad had no place to go but out.

Now I worry that he could one day soon be on my list, without intervention, that thankfully he is getting. Or so he says he is getting. I pray that what doesn’t kill him makes him stronger. That he believes tomorrow will be better. That everything is eventual and things will change. That this too shall pass.

As always, more to come.


19 thoughts on “Thursday Thoughts ~ 8/19/21

  1. Huge hugs Jill. I’m sure you have heard it before but disease is truly dis-ease. Sounds like it would be simple to turn around but I understand just how challenging it is. As an empathIc person I have experience a lot of pain so far in this life, but none is so great or debilitating as that of my children’s struggles. Sending healing energy your way. The best help you can give him is taking care of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading and responding. Makes me feel less uneasy somehow. I can feel the healing energy. I’m guiltily taking care of myself, trying not to feel bad about doing so because I know it is necessary.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jilly, everyone has already said all there is to say. I do understand what you are saying, the gut pains, the stress even the life of the party larger than life beautiful son who secretly suffers with nerves depression…. Whatever.
    You and your hubby are there for him, he knows that , he came to you, that speaks volumes. Listen to him, talking is a great healer.
    Watch him, love him, support don’t smother. Nothing lasts forever. Lastly look after yourself if you fall who will look after the others. Huge hugs of support from me to you all.💜💜

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I had a bad case of twisted gut a couple of weeks ago. I thought we’d made a financial mistake that would cripple our retirement. Called the company ad their customer service was utterly useless. they couldn’t even interpret the statement to me. The statement re received was simply “You owe $XXX.XX.” with no explanation.

    Felt like a hot knife stabbing me in the gut. Stomach acid and for several days I was living on Pepcid and Tums and Pepto-Bismal. Ordinarily I would have used distraction techniques until the initial emotions died down but I kept getting triggered many times a day by it. I don’t know why, either. A cold calculation of the numbers indicated it would be no worse than doubling the mortgage. We could survive that but it wouldn’t be fun.

    I think when you get older you realize that you can’t bounce back. You don’t have enough tomorrows. That’s what made it frightening.

    All I got from the help desk was “I’m sorry you misinterpreted the contract but you still have to pay.” They weren’t responding to emails. On the third call I finally got someone who had a clue but even then it was me who figured out the billing error. Finally everything straightened out but I get little twinges of PTSD when I have to deal with them.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s awful. Lately I have been seeing a lot of ‘not it’ or ‘not my job’ Really pisses me off. And pissed off Jilly gets twisted gut. Not just for what my kid is experiencing but for a whole host of things.


  4. 1) Twisted gut: It’s a real thing, and no, it probably won’t show up on tests. It *might* be IBS, and that is notoriously hard to pin down AND it IS affected (sometimes greatly) by stress. Stress alone (without the IBS) can affect the gut. This has been known for quite a while. 2) Yeah, the last 17-or-so months have been… incredible.

    I hestitate to say this next, because it will be controversial and goes against “conventional wisdom” and all, and this is your blog, not mine (although I’ve written about this a few times on my own blog). That 800# ain’t all that great. In fact, it can cause more harm than good depending on the people who are on BOTH sides of the call. I know this by experience of having needed/wanted something to intervene. I got it, but not in the gentle supportive way most people think that 800# works. The first time I called I was put through a call forwarding loop from hell. The kind where you call one person who puts you through to someone else and then 10 transfers later you get the first person you called. THAT intervened for me because of MY temperament. I got so pissed off at the incompetence, the horror, the realization that someone less bitchy than me could be pushed over the edge by this. It knocked me out of my very bad downward spiral.

    That was several years ago. The 800# format has changed a little since. My last call wasn’t that long ago, within the past two years. This time I got through, to someone so poorly trained, who didn’t listen, who belittled me (!!!! seriously!) and just mishandled the call that again, my bitchy self took over. Again my disgust and anger won out over the downward spiral. I wrote a complaint to “management” that included name rank & serial # of the idiot who took my call. I got nada.

    I have since heard other people’s stories who have had similar (or even worse) experiences. I have heard therapists confirm patients having similar experiences. Not everyone is going to react with anger like I did. Some people, when faced with that kind of experience will just meekly hang up the phone, feel worse and… be in a bad place.

    I say this out of love and concern, because obviously this is hitting close to home for you. I suppose if there is NO other option and things are dire, calling the number MIGHT help, but I’d be worried (based on the above) that it might make things worse. In the meantime, keeping the lines of communication open between the two of you, support, love, caring… those are the best tools for both of you. Gentle support to seek professional help (which is different from nagging, which so many people do…) is also useful. Honestly though, most people in that situation (adult type people) know that professional help is out there… What “we” need is the emotional support and energy from others to help us get there. Literally it can be too hard to pick up a phone, that is what I mean by energy…

    I wish you all of the best. You have been through a lot, and are having more heaped upon you. Make sure you take care of you, too. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate your comments more than you know. I’m not surprised the toll free number isn’t all that. The mental health system is flawed beyond belief. My controversial statement is I truly believe, we cannot prevent the unpreventable. My heart hurts for my dear coworker and her husband who are likely blaming themselves. Why didn’t they see it? Well because he didn’t want them to see it. Life … I’m telling ya what, it is all a big crap shoot. A whirling dervish. Mister Toad’s wild ride. Hang on with both hands.

      On my gut issue, I have had every test they can give. No IBS. This pain is twisted gut because when my kid hurts, I hurt. Oddly enough, a certain RX from wisdom teeth extraction does take the edge off. Only two more pills left and surely hubby cannot get a refill.

      Liked by 1 person

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