I Can’t Remember ~ 7/4/21

I created my Tidbits and Ramblings categories for two distinct reasons of which I do not recall which means I mix-match what goes where. Are Tidbits when I’m needing to release the hounds or is that rambling? Of course I always ramble. In fact, that was the original name of this blog J-Dub’s Musing & Ramblings until I realized how many others used some version of rambling or musing as well. Of course Grin & Bear It isn’t original. But it’s what I do and why it fits.

And at least I got reflections down pat. That’s when I look back at something. Usually. Oh hell what do I know? I should just file everything under LIFE. Ha!!

Okay. Some serious shit is about to go down. Or not because this is not my story to tell but I am impacted deeply despite being a casual observer, on the outskirts, praying.

Watching life happen to people you care about is both beautiful and ugly, tender and rough, salty and sweet. Are you picking up what I’m putting down? Yep, your smarts are obvious. I can’t pull a fast one on anyone of y’all. All y’all. You all. Ha! E’nuf of that nonsense.

I have a foreboding, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t know why I can’t be happy for this person. I keep MSU = making stuff up. I can’t forgive, forget, or trust. I’m sure that is because I was dropped on my head as a child or something. Sheesh. Seriously.

I marvel at anyone who can give unconditional love. We should all be so lucky. Hell I was the recipient of a love you know matter what you do, here for you all the time kind of love yet I can’t return in kind. I say well that’s because I never did anything so terrible. But I did worse. I’m a sinner. Depending on whose authority one judges.

And besides that’s the thing about unconditional love. It’s not about what you do or don’t do. It’s not you’re bad but I love you anyway. Unconditional love is NOT love without boundaries. I’m protecting myself in case it happens again, so that I do not get hurt.

That control thing is in the picture again. Has to stop! If I ask and get an answer, I accept the response. Done! If I’m a fool to believe, so be it. If the worst happens, I couldn’t have prevented it nor can I change it anyway. I’ll simply deal with the aftermath.

I know haven’t spilled the beans here and perhaps you’re wondering that the heck is she going on about. Don’t mind me. Same ole, same ole, overthinking. Madness, pure madness.

As always, more to come.

5 thoughts on “I Can’t Remember ~ 7/4/21

  1. Jill, You are truly my little sister.  I wish I was able to put my feelings into words like you, but a lot of the things you write about are about me and what’s happening in my life! There is something that has been ongoing which has given me great stress and now that there is nothing more I can do, praying for the best possible outcome.  It is a life learning experience that will hopefully have a not so bad ending,  it is what it is, and I cannot control the outcome!  I hope the person dealing with this, alone at this time, will learn from this and have a successful future!  CindySent via the Samsung Galaxy Tab E, an AT&T 4G LTE tablet

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s all we can do. And while we wait, I’m trying to find a way to be peaceful internally. This worry is killing me ever so slowly. A small crazy part inside me wishes the worst would hurry up and just happen. Rock bottom has no place to go but up.

      Like

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