many things are
worse than this
still I wonder
how much more
can one man stand?
deep in thoughts
until out they come
by J-Dub © 6/9/19 posted 6/11/19
I remember (or do I?) as a kid how I’d write to release my anxiety. Better out than in. #AmIright? What’s with all this #nonsense. #lol. #justkiddingIlovehashtags
Funny how in absence of any adult assistance my mind self-soothed. Until 1999ish when the bough broke and the cradle fell down. That is definitely not a dig at my parents. Both happened to be from the pull up your boot straps generation. You didn’t talk about such matters. Mind your own business and all that jazz. I was simply sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve.
I decided to write this post to go back to my roots as it were. I am not playing the blame game any longer. People quite simply make stuff up. I am people!
They I want answers to why … even when sometimes there are no answers. If you are not the “norm” you must have been traumatized or abused in some horrific way.
But that’s a fallacy or circular logic. Not all depressed people were traumatized. Many? Perhaps? But not ALL. Life is rarely lived in absolutes. Nope, I am not in denial. Nothing made me this way!!!!!!
I yam what I yam à la Popeye. I accept myself flaws and all. And in spite of all my protesting to the contrary, I am a HAPPY person who laughs often … all day every day. Sure at myself but that’s still laughing. I even told my doctor I was in the best/worst head space of my life. Best because I can talk myself off the ledge in 0 to 6 seconds. I stomp my anxiety! I am self-aware!!! Worst, there is just more stuff to wrap my brain around. My worry list keeps growing. At least I recognize I’m MSU.
Now the proverbial question is why can’t I accept what’s up with my kiddo? Why do I obsess and look for reasons why? Why do I blame myself. Not B, just me! I’m the culprit. If only, if only, if only … then what?!? Would that make any difference? Nope. Not one iota. And now that I have used iota in a sentence I can move along. Hehe. Iota. I love that word.
Acceptance is the answer my friends. I never needed AA but I will borrow their universally applied sageness.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
As always, more to come.