I Left AMA

… no I didn’t. Why? Because there are no doctors to be seen. Texas Med Clinic is now an almost self-service affair. You check yourself in, your name goes up on the board, and you wait to be called. Heaven help me if you have a question because automation doesn’t allow for that.

Good thing I wasn’t seriously injured and bleeding to death I wonder what the hell would’ve happen then. I guess I could’ve dripped blood all over their little iPad check-in kiosk.

Went home and iced it. Doesn’t even hurt 😔 anymore. Not going to MSU. I’m fine. Freaked out insecure neurotic. No seriously. I’m fine 🙂.

As always more to come.

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Is it broken?

… sure hope not

This time it’s my right arm not my left. Or actually my right hand not my left arm. It’s swelling up a little bit and I don’t know if that means it’s broken or not so I’m gonna have it x-rayed to be safe but I surely don’t want to x-ray it because I’m just wasting money on nothing I’m sure this is nothing. Or I’ll find out I broke my damn hand.

As always more to come.

Random Musings 6/11/19

many things are 

worse than this

still I wonder

what gives?

how much more

can one man stand?

deep in thoughts

churning

racing

until out they come

fear erasing

sweet relief

by J-Dub © 6/9/19 posted 6/11/19

I remember (or do I?) as a kid how I’d write to release my anxiety.  Better out than in.  #AmIright?  What’s with all this #nonsense.  #lol. #justkiddingIlovehashtags

Funny how in absence of any adult assistance my mind self-soothed.  Until 1999ish when the bough broke and the cradle fell down.  That is definitely not a dig at my parents.  Both happened to be from the pull up your boot straps generation.  You didn’t talk about such matters.  Mind your own business and all that jazz.  I was simply sensitive and wore my heart on my sleeve.

I decided to write this post to go back to my roots as it were.  I am not playing the blame game any longer.  People quite simply make stuff up.  I am people! They I want answers to why … even when sometimes there are no answers.  If you are not the “norm” you must have been traumatized or abused in some horrific way.

But that’s a fallacy or circular logic.  Not all depressed people were traumatized.  Many? Perhaps? But not ALL.  Life is rarely lived in absolutes.  Nope, I am not in denial.  Nothing made me this way!!!!!!

I yam what I yam à la Popeye.  I accept myself flaws and all.  And in spite of all my protesting to the contrary, I am a HAPPY person who laughs often … all day every day.  Sure at myself but that’s still laughing.  I even told my doctor I was in the best/worst head space of my life.  Best because I can talk myself off the ledge in 0 to 6 seconds.  I stomp my anxiety!  I am self-aware!!! Worst, there is just more stuff to wrap my brain around.  My worry list keeps growing. At least I recognize I’m MSU.

Now the proverbial question is why can’t I accept what’s up with my kiddo?  Why do I obsess and look for reasons why?  Why do I blame myself. Not B, just me! I’m the culprit. If only, if only, if only … then what?!?  Would that make any difference?  Nope.  Not one iota.  And now that I have used iota in a sentence I can move along.  Hehe.  Iota.  I love that word. 

Acceptance is the answer my friends.  I never needed AA but I will borrow their universally applied sageness.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

https://youtu.be/aQUlA8Hcv4s

As always, more to come.