I’m worn out y’all.
Ever hear someone say about a baby that she cried herself to sleep?
Well I’m a big baby.
The culmination of stress broke me. First I fought back the tears with anger. Second I misdirected that anger. Third my anger turned to hurt. I was focused on one thing while having no idea that something else was afoot. Finally I cried buckets of tears 😭.
Imagine being asked what’s wrong with you? Being accused of changing and not for the better. The surprise because you’re the same neurotic person you’ve always been. Knowing your neurosis makes you believe you are wrong. Damaged. The worst. Epitome of bad. Being told several people have put other words in your mouth. No defense or rebuttal just accusation.
But then a bright spot. You apologize and find out you weren’t told the truth. Then it turns on you and you get the apology you wanted but felt you never deserved. Not from the person who should but from the people who care. And you talk to your next door neighbor and he gives you advice that’s good as gold. You’re still twitching with paranoia and wondering when your nemesis will strike again. You still wonder why and hope you’ll get through it. Trust is essential but there is no one you can trust.
I slept from about 8:15 PM yesterday to 6 AM this morning. Unmedicated. Uninterrupted. Sleep of the just. I’ve been moving at a slower pace today. A peaceful pace. And all is well.
As always more to come.