I gone and done did it. After reading an article on a work related site, I took my FB app off my phone. Then I wrote the following quick piece:
Robyn: If I go off social media, I will disappear. Small consolation to the horrors of being alive.
Peter: Really? People are fighting for their lives right now and you? you take your good health for granted.
Robyn: Don’t you think I know that? All those who struggle makes me feel guilty. As for good health, you have no idea. I’ve tried to explain this to you. Mental illness does exist. But it is invisible! Even physical pain is not always visible. I suffer in silence.
Peter: Not today. Broken record. Poor Robyn. Woe is me. You really need to get over it already.
Robyn: I am unravelling as we sit here. Don’t you see that? Like I said, you have no idea.
End scene.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard this sentiment. Makes me angry and sad at the same time. Screw ’em. I had a therapist who used to tell me to do that … to say screw ’em and mentally prepare myself every time I was faced with negativity or really anything anxiety provoking that was beyond my control. For a brief time that helped until it didn’t.
As always, more to come.
J-Dub's Grin and Bear It 
And this is why I didn’t take about it. If they don’t go through it, they don’t get it.
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Agree. Hard to understand if you’ve not gone through it. That’s for sure.
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Absolutely, and going through it we already feel, I don’t know, crazy, less than, not normal. Then we talk about it, and are reassured that we are crazy, less than, not normal. And once again why it stays “invisible”
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To a point at times that I feel I’ve disappeared.
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Perfect description, “disappeared”. We should all win Oscars because I feel I can fake it better than most actors/actresses. By that I mean the “real me” the struggling me, disappeared into this very convincing, well put together, successful, happy productive person. It was a daily uphill battle that took everything in me to perpetuate. Smiling when I didn’t feel like it. Never wearing makeup because I cried every moment I was alone. Fighting the constant heart attack, I felt like I was having(actually this one I longed for so it would just be over) Keeping calm on the outside, while there was a tornado, inside a hurricane churning inside me. Ordering plates of food for “everybody to share” so no one would notice I couldn’t eat. Never ever inviting any one into my safe 4 walls. Master of acceptable excuses as to why I can’t make it to this or that. Always drive everywhere, never letting any one ride with me so I could always escape unnoticed. Oh my goodness I better stop hehehehe don’t wanna talk that crap up :):):) Disappearing describes it perfect.
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Thank you for sharing. That is hard stuff to admit. By doing so, you help others. We could be twins and I am sure there are numerous folks who would see themselves in your words. I did better for a while and recently I see myself slipping backwards. I come here to write and share as a means to hang on. Today it was everything I could do not to stay home, call in sick and not get out of bed. I knew if I did not force myself up and out, I’d “disappear”. I’ve been faking it all day. Still that is better than the alternative. Hugs my friend. You are a brave warrior ❤
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Funny thing Jill, it wasn’t until I quit trying to be the “brave warrior” and became the weak child of God that things got better. Everyone says that is soooo easy too. Get saved, everything is better, YA!! hallelujah. I didn’t find that to be the case. I still had my old tendencies that I fell back on. It was a trust issue. But the more I saw my self as a little cowering child, with Him standing in front of me, protecting me from all the people who didn’t get it, who I had to hide from so as not to be judged, or worse, locked away somewhere, really see Him holding back all that would devour me, I got peace, more and more. Is it perfect nope, but it never will be because I am, well, me :):):) Realistically we know nothing is perfect. But it is worlds, and galaxies better. All the rules, you know, if you get saved you can’t do this, and you’re damned for that. One slip up, oh God is going to punish you, turn His back on you, hell fire, and damnation. I realized were rules made up by the same people who made me feel, less than, who would have labeled me crazy, if they knew the truth. All God wanted was for me to love Him(easy), and trust Him(this is where I struggled). He listened, didn’t make me feel like dog crap, He didn’t tell me to suck it up, He just fought for me. You know like you do for your kids, and B. And He would fight anyone and any battle for me. I can screw up, and He doesn’t turn His back on me. Those were, again, rules made up by the same people who made my illness worse than it should have been in the first place. As I grow, and trust Him more, I do feel like that brave warrior you spoke about but not the pretend one, I use to be. A true one who can leave the house, eat a meal, have sane days, be happy, tears of joy, and not dispair, and I don’t have to disappear unless I want too ;):) Cause ya know quiet time is good :):) Ok off my pulpit. I didn’t mean to give you a sermon this fine Wednesday afternoon. I don’t really like preachers :):) but I didn’t want to seem like oh I am so together, when I know I’d be in a puddle everyday if it wasn’t for Him. People always want to hear what helped, He is what helped me. If you need anything, I am here for you my friend.
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Thank you! ♥️
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You are more than welcome, and sooooo sorry for the mile long comment :):) it didn’t seem that long but damn it was 🙂
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