Three Guesses

*** Trigger warning for anyone with eating disorder ***

See feature image. Some of you will know immediately for what I am preparing.  Ugh! Anyone else, you get three guesses.

February 15th is my 2nd rodeo and I swore I would not forget my 1st rodeo on February 12, 2013.  But somehow I did.  The mind is a beautiful thing.  As I sit trying to conjure up the memory, things are vague.  I know there is no pain.  In fact, the sedation was phenomenal.  And I get chatty when I am loopy.  I said some pretty inane things that we all laughed about later.

On the plus side, I have completely forgotten how the prep tastes.  As luck would have it, they have improved this process greatly in the last five years.  Only 16 oz of prep/water solution in an hour followed by two 16 oz of water in two hours to be repeated one more time at two a.m.  Sacrebleu! Who wants to repeat that process at two a.m? No one and I mean no one.  But trust me folks that is best.  Early means over and done with and only one day off work instead of two.

The only issue is that the day before liquid diet is stirring up my disordered eating.  I really went all out yesterday cuz you know this is coming up and like a squirrel storing nuts for winter I kept gathering nuts or in my case eating them.  I started off with my normal breakfast then things went south.  Deep to the  Rio Grande Valley south.  I felt awful most of the day and today I vowed to get back on track.  B is here and that helps me because I am too tired to hide it so I am “normal”.  Poor guy has no idea this could start up again.

Truth be told, I find a sick comfort in the rigid liquid diet.  Scheduled to the exact ounce and completely prescribed, color coded even.  I rationalize that this is not quite like before.  The old Jill was no breakfast or lunch and my sensible dinner.  Thanks only to my mommy for making daily well-balanced suppers for us. Left on my own things got worse but I won’t go back there.

Now this happens, I am required for one day to follow this diet.  I am worried that I could get used to this.  But I won’t.  Or at least I tell myself I won’t.    And now I have the ability to get these thoughts out of my head on virtual paper.  That helps tremendously. Back then I was all frenetic action and introspective thinking. I was perpetually hungry/dizzy and I liked it. I also liked the comments on my petiteness. And when that ship sailed I especially liked to hear:

“You look nice,have you lost some weight?”

That folks is a dangerous question.  Thin is not always healthy.  Trust me I know.

As always, more to come.