I’d like to say the story is done or FIN as my Pony would say. Roll credits at this movie’s close and put everything in our rearview mirror. But alas, we are not even close to the end. At least I hope we are not close to the end.
Was Lulu suicidal on that fateful day? Depends on who you ask. B is unequivocal. No! his mind will not be changed. Me? I want with my heart of hearts to be like B.
I have learned tons through this odyssey. Choose words purposefully as words have multiple meanings. Everyone who has mental health issues is not necessarily suicidal. And while it’s quoted that 90% of those who die by suicide have mental health issues, what does that even mean?
Circular logic fallacy:
Life has no absolutes my friends and we will never know why. And we will drive ourselves crazy trying to figure it out. Finally I find comfort in not knowing. Allowing God’s grace to flow, taking things as they come. Living day by day.
Going forward, I release all control. The joke is on me; I never had any control. Control is an elusive bastard. Lulu is an adult and whatever happens will be her choice. As her parents, we are merely supporters on the sidelines.
Truth! Has and always will be stranger than fiction. And we won’t hide anymore. Silence = stigma. This life is not all unicorns and rainbows. Pretending does not make it so.
I used to think my kid was fragile and about to crack at any second. I worried incessantly about her well-being. My innate need as her mother to make things better also gave me reverse rose-colored glasses. I only saw and believed the worst. I could not see the proverbial forest for the trees.
Yet when I sit and really contemplate all that we’ve been through, I know to my very core, Lulu is NOT breakable. She was never weak. In fact, given what she has endured, she has displayed tremendous strength. That’s our girl, tough as nails. Head-strong and decisive too.
I’ve got my own issues. We all do. Don’t forget about self-care and all that fun stuff. They (whoever they are) have said in order to help someone, you have to put your oxygen mask on first.
Writing this out during National Suicide Prevention month was my life-preserver and part of my healing. There has been an outpouring of love which is very reaffirming. Everyone knows someone, who knows someone, who knows someone else. No one is immune. The tide is turning, can you feel it?
“The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: ‘me too’.” ~ Brene Brown
“I think the stigma attached to mental illness will disappear just like it did for cancer years ago.” ~ Sally Graham
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours everyday.