Part 7 ~ What Did You Do?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours everyday.

B was pissed.

What did you do?  She is not suicidal.  I know MY daughter.  She would never kill herself. She just wanted someone to listen.  Maybe give her some attention (wrong! We know now, contrary to popular opinion, someone who is suicidal is not an attention seeker)

B was so sure that he convinced me.  We went back to spring Lulu from the pokey.  I mean the commitment was voluntary right?  Wrong!  I signed papers.  We had a battle I will never forget.

They refused to release her and even said they would call the cops if we did not leave. They refused to allow us to talk to her. To let us see how she was doing.  I was screaming to let her out.  Let our baby out!!!

They put us in a room and left us there.  We waited.  Three different people alternatingly came to talk to us before we finally decided to leave.  Heartbreaking as they refused to pass along that we were there.  I can only imagine her feeling lost and lonely.

Next morning, after a sleepless night, we were back.  Call the fucking cops.  She is coming home.  And they finally agreed after much maneuvering.  Against medical advice.  Another novel signed on the dotted line.  They also refused outpatient treatment and banned her from their services. This nameless place is one of the best in the city.  In the initial assessment Dr. X talked about outpatient.  That was now off the table.

First do no harm.

Ha!  She obviously needed help and to ban her was shocking.  I get that they have to be extreme.  Truly I do.  Making the threat is no laughing matter.  Thank you litigious society. They could be held liable for what she might do if they released her too soon. Very stressful, were we doing the right thing?

As I think about that fateful day, her answers were not resolute. ¬†I’ve learned after the fact the questions used in assessing her were leading. Instead you should ask:

What do you mean when you say you’re suicidal? ¬†I imagine her saying you said that H not me.

What brought you to this point?¬†I imagine her saying I’m anxious about going to school today.

We took our baby home, less than 24 hours after she had been admitted. We isolated ourselves even more.  To this day, her grandparents have no idea this ever happened. Besides my boss at the time, Pony, and Wise no one knows the full extent of what went on.

Of course, you know me by now. ¬†I am an open book. ¬†On this topic though I spoke only in allusions and innuendo. ¬†That’s what is driving me to come forward now. ¬†We did nothing wrong. ¬†Lulu did nothing wrong. ¬†We did the best we could to help her. ¬† ¬†Can anyone tell me why we should feel humiliated and ashamed?

2 thoughts on “Part 7 ~ What Did You Do?

  1. Don’t ever feel ashamed, she is your child you did what you knew was best for her. Your Daughter has a very caring loving family, too many don’t understand too many say “pull yourself together”, too many push one to the brink. I know, one cold wet November afternoon after row after row, started again by my mother and her pushing me too far, I walked out of my home. With my young child just over two years, he was in his pushchair, I walked all the way along the Seafront until I reached the end, I went down to the beach and sat there for ages until I took my young son in my arms and proceeded to walk into the Sea, I stopped and knew it was terribly wrong it would achieve nothing, my mother would be pleased with “I told you she was not all there”. My late husband found us he had the car, he told me “you walked down here now walk back”. Years and years until my mother died I had no peace, I know what its like to want to die I know what its like to hit that black wall and not be able to climb over. It took years for me to come to terms with my past and the cruelty, if one ever does. First time I have ever told that story of the Beach, I am not ashamed, I just wish I had, had the love you so obviously have for your Daughter. Take care,.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear sweet Anna. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your story. I’ve three more parts to go and in a glimpse to the final I’d like to share this quote from Brene Brown “the biggest support when talking about was when my friend replied ‘me too'”. You are brave, you are not alone.

      Liked by 2 people

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