Part 7 ~ What Did You Do?

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours everyday.

B was pissed.

What did you do?  She is not suicidal.  I know MY daughter.  She would never kill herself. She just wanted someone to listen.  Maybe give her some attention (wrong! We know now, contrary to popular opinion, someone who is suicidal is not an attention seeker)

B was so sure that he convinced me.  We went back to spring Lulu from the pokey.  I mean the commitment was voluntary right?  Wrong!  I signed papers.  We had a battle I will never forget.

They refused to release her and even said they would call the cops if we did not leave. They refused to allow us to talk to her. To let us see how she was doing.  I was screaming to let her out.  Let our baby out!!!

They put us in a room and left us there.  We waited.  Three different people alternatingly came to talk to us before we finally decided to leave.  Heartbreaking as they refused to pass along that we were there.  I can only imagine her feeling lost and lonely.

Next morning, after a sleepless night, we were back.  Call the fucking cops.  She is coming home.  And they finally agreed after much maneuvering.  Against medical advice.  Another novel signed on the dotted line.  They also refused outpatient treatment and banned her from their services. This nameless place is one of the best in the city.  In the initial assessment Dr. X talked about outpatient.  That was now off the table.

First do no harm.

Ha!  She obviously needed help and to ban her was shocking.  I get that they have to be extreme.  Truly I do.  Making the threat is no laughing matter.  Thank you litigious society. They could be held liable for what she might do if they released her too soon. Very stressful, were we doing the right thing?

As I think about that fateful day, her answers were not resolute.  I’ve learned after the fact the questions used in assessing her were leading. Instead you should ask:

What do you mean when you say you’re suicidal?  I imagine her saying you said that H not me.

What brought you to this point? I imagine her saying I’m anxious about going to school today.

We took our baby home, less than 24 hours after she had been admitted. We isolated ourselves even more.  To this day, her grandparents have no idea this ever happened. Besides my boss at the time, Pony, and Wise no one knows the full extent of what went on.

Of course, you know me by now.  I am an open book.  On this topic though I spoke only in allusions and innuendo.  That’s what is driving me to come forward now.  We did nothing wrong.  Lulu did nothing wrong.  We did the best we could to help her.    Can anyone tell me why we should feel humiliated and ashamed?