Part 5 ~ That Fateful Day

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.  Call 1-800-273-8255. Available 24 hours everyday

Her regular therapy appointment ended and we were leaving for school and work.

Lulu: I don’t want to take the stairs, let’s wait for the elevator

Me: Ok

Conversation as we wait for the elevator and continuing once we enter the elevator

Lulu: I don’t want to go to school today

Me: I have to get to work

Lulu: I can’t go to school, take me home and stay with me; you can work from home

Me: What happened?  You just talked to H.  The school year just started and you’ve already missed days

Lulu:  She’s not helping me, talking to her makes things worse

Then Lulu slides down the wall of the elevator in a full-blown panic attack.

In hindsight, I should have taken her home and let her skip school.  Made a day out of playing hooky.  Instead we went back inside.  Then they asked two questions to determine next steps.

H: Lulu, you already told me you do not have thoughts of suicide, has that changed?

Lulu: I don’t know.

H: Do you have a plan?

Lulu: Kind of … I know where my dad keeps the key for the gun safe.

What? The world came to a halt; I did not comprehend what I was hearing.  We sat in the office on a sofa … both of us crying.  H had brought in her supervisor and both women are calling around looking for places to take Lulu. B was out of town.  I was leaving messages.

Same as with trying to make an appointment to see someone, finding help is hard to come by.  Finally success.  H finds a place.  We drive ourselves over and are immediately seen.

8 thoughts on “Part 5 ~ That Fateful Day

  1. My oldest brother was 27 years old. He was our warrior, everyone loved his beautiful spirit. We did not how bad he suffered, he was tormented really by inner demons. Thats what we call it when we don’t know what else to call it. He was on the wild side and could scare the pants off you with a wild eyed grin. He did not know how many people loved him, probably thought no one would notice if he was no longer in this world. So one night he decided he had enough. He had tried before but we did not realize how many times until we started sharing different stories about him. Momma was devastated, Dad withdrew and our family was never the same. His service was standing room only, at his burial we had to wait for over 20 minutes for people to park and make it to the sight. It was 30 years last year. I take comfort in knowing that he and mom are together, waltzing in heaven, that was one of the last pictures they took together. Prayers for you Jill and your family. 💚

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    1. My dear sweet friend. Thank you for sharing your story here so others can see. We are connected, we are not alone. There is no stigma, only love. My heart breaks for you and your family yet when I read your words I smiled because I can just picture your mom and him dancing in heaven too. Bittersweet. ❤

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  2. In hindsight….
    I lost my dad to suicide, more than twenty years ago now – he was 62. In hindsight – I should have insisted he have in home care/company after three months in hospital recovering from a stroke. (He refused to consider it). In hindsight- I should not have returned his firearms to his house (I had taken them home when he was in rehab as his house was vacant). In hindsight I should have paid more attention when I put his groceries away and not put the bacon in the freezer – he was mad when he went to make breakfast and found the bacon frozen…..in hindsight I should have called back at lunch to see if he was in a better frame of mind…..
    My aunt said to me just recently (the incident came up in conversation while I was trying to keep my head screwed on straight dealing with the loss of my mom)
    – it matters little what you should have, could have, might have done. Your dad would have found a way regardless. Maybe in a week, maybe in a month….you can’t make yourself responsible for his decision. You can’t fault him for making that decision. We can’t keep people here and deny them their peace because it makes us feel better to do so’.
    All these years later – I’d never really thought of it in that fashion…..I decided, she might have a point to consider.

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    1. I think your aunt is a remarkable lady and I agree with her wholeheartedly. Through many therapy sessions of my own I finally understand it’s not my fault. There is even a would have could have should have exercise to bring her point home. We do our best with what we know at the time and that’s all we can do. And most importantly that’s good enough. I’m very sorry for you loss of both dad and mom. Wishing you peace.

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