Uneventful freshman and sophomore years. New clubs and organizations. Beginner band, drama club and year book. Typical stuff really. She made three really good friends. Grouped together by alphabet. They became close.
Then B had his accident and her anxiety sky rocketed. She was sad, she said. She didn’t know why but she was. Her sleep was disrupted.
I looked for professional help through referrals from my employer’s Employee Assistance Program (EAP). I called countless places. Same responses: Either not taking new patients or only sees adults.
I vividly remember her asking me
“Momma did you remember to call? Have you found somebody to help me?”
Eventually an appointment was made. The first therapist was nice but they didn’t really connect. After two 50 minute sessions, Lulu was told she didn’t need therapy. She’d been given exercises to increase her coping skills.
Yet nothing changed. Lulu was still sad. She was constantly worried.
We made an appointment with a different therapist. This person, an older woman, fell asleep during the first interview. Seriously and poor Lulu just sat there. Too polite to go to the waiting room and get me. I complained to the referral service and refused to pay.
Next she saw an actual psychiatrist. Yay! A medical doctor. Has to be better right? Nope! We waited two hours past the appointment time before she was seen. Then after a 15 minute evaluation, “doctor” sent her out the door with two different “potential” diagnoses and four (yes four!) prescriptions. The scripts went in the trash and we never went back. I mean come the fuck on – 15 minutes?!??!
Then she saw another therapist. This professional happened to be a new mom with her own baby. She only worked part time. Scheduling options were limited which meant Lulu missed her 1st period at school on Tuesdays. This piled on anxiety about making up missed work to an already nervous kid. A recipe for disaster. And it was within the course of seeing this person that the terrible awful happened.
The guilt is overwhelming even now. How did I allow this? How did I fail to protect my baby? The what ifs are absolutely maddening !!!!