Kicked In The Proverbial Nuts

Aftermath of the 2014 Fall, J-Dub's Confessions

I put this short note (with 40 plus pictures) on FB exactly three years ago today ~ 8/10/14

We are baaack after squeezing in some last minute summer fun to kick off Shark Week!

We took a three day weekend to the coast. Lulu was about to start her junior year of high school. All was still right with the world 🌎.  This was Before … before the terrible awful happened.  We’re approaching an anniversary I’d rather not face.  

Lately, I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures. Before pictures. Pictures where you really don’t see a difference except in hindsight. Pictures that I think If I look hard enough I will find my answers. I know after the fact that behind the smiles there was a lot going on. Truth and still waters run deep. 

It’s painful. Looking at these pictures. And thinking how did I miss the signs? We’re there any? There must’ve been. Why didn’t I see? I am putting myself through anguish trying to figure out the answer.  An answer to what if?  What if … fill in the blank.  A hole so deep, it can’t be filled. 

My rational mind knows that there is no answer. I can say a million times: I would have, I could have, I should have.  But the sad fact is I didn’t. I also didn’t act alone.  

Yet because I blame myself, I feel alone.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to ask for help. I’m finally doing that now. I can’t keep carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders without collapsing.  I desperately want a second chance to make better decisions.

Though now I’m told “you did the best that you could. And that’s all anyone can do. To expect more of yourself is unrealistic and unfair. People make the best choices they can with the knowledge they have at a time”. I’m supposed to be able to forgive myself. But how can I?

Regrets I have a few. But unlike ole blue eyes, I’m not belting out I did it my way. 

My way sucked.  

Yet right now … at this moment … I am happy. I feel a little guilty for being happy. But I am. 

I also have a glimmer of Hope that fickle fucking bitch.

It’s not over yet. It can’t be over yet. I do get a second chance to make better choices. And these choices are future facing. 

I can’t go back … we can’t go back and who would want to go back?  

Hell for all I know if we had a “do-over” things could of turned out even worse. You know the butterfly effect or space time continuum or whatever the hell else.  I can’t control anyone but myself. If I have to watch my loved ones crash and burn so be it.

And there is goodness.  Like today.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was another day in paradise.

As always, more to come.

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