Kicked In The Proverbial Nuts

I put this short note (with 40 plus pictures) on FB exactly three years ago today ~ 8/10/14

We are baaack after squeezing in some last minute summer fun to kick off Shark Week!

We took a three day weekend to the coast. Lulu was about to start her junior year of high school. All was still right with the world ๐ŸŒŽ.  This was Before … before the terrible awful happened.  We’re approaching an anniversary I’d rather not face.  

Lately, I’ve been looking at a lot of pictures. Before pictures. Pictures where you really don’t see a difference except in hindsight. Pictures that I think If I look hard enough I will find my answers. I know after the fact that behind the smiles there was a lot going on. Truth and still waters run deep. 

It’s painful. Looking at these pictures. And thinking how did I miss the signs? We’re there any? There must’ve been. Why didn’t I see? I am putting myself through anguish trying to figure out the answer.  An answer to what if?  What if … fill in the blank.  A hole so deep, it can’t be filled. 

My rational mind knows that there is no answer. I can say a million times: I would have, I could have, I should have.  But the sad fact is I didn’t. I also didn’t act alone.  

Yet because I blame myself, I feel alone.  It’s taken me a long time to be able to ask for help. I’m finally doing that now. I can’t keep carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders without collapsing.  I desperately want a second chance to make better decisions.

Though now I’m told “you did the best that you could. And that’s all anyone can do. To expect more of yourself is unrealistic and unfair. People make the best choices they can with the knowledge they have at a time”. I’m supposed to be able to forgive myself. But how can I?

Regrets I have a few. But unlike ole blue eyes, I’m not belting out I did it my way. 

My way sucked.  

Yet right now … at this moment … I am happy. I feel a little guilty for being happy. But I am. 

I also have a glimmer of Hope that fickle fucking bitch.

It’s not over yet. It can’t be over yet. I do get a second chance to make better choices. And these choices are future facing. 

I can’t go back … we can’t go back and who would want to go back?  

Hell for all I know if we had a “do-over” things could of turned out even worse. You know the butterfly effect or space time continuum or whatever the hell else.  I can’t control anyone but myself. If I have to watch my loved ones crash and burn so be it.

And there is goodness.  Like today.  The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and it was another day in paradise.

As always, more to come.

Another Ehhh Momentย 

A competitor’s commercial uses a Doris Day song Bushel and a Peck.  The conversation went something like this:

Me: You know that commercial with the remodel? The lyrics are I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck … even though you make my heart a wreck.  It’s wreck right?

Billy: Yeah, its wreck.  The commercial was just on. 

Me: That’s not what I heard ๐Ÿ˜

Lulu: I know what YOU heard. But they’d never say that on TV.  

Me: Oh sure they would.  I think you can even say the 3rd best f word on TV now. 

Billy: Not on regular TV.  They’d lose commercial revenue if they use that word 

Me singing MY version ๐ŸŽถ I love you a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck … even though you make my heart erect ๐ŸŽถ

Lulu: MOM. Stop it! You’re not allowed to sing anymore. 

Billy:  Yep. No singing AND we’re getting you a hear aid.  

I can’t believe I ate the whole thing

Well, almost.  I ate 3/4 of the thing.  Plus fries.  Plus a fully leaded Dr.  Pepper.  Oh no, she’s on the sauce again. See this oldie but a goody.  

And by thing,  I mean sandwich.  Triple decker.  

And by triple decker, I mean not one or two BUT three slices of bread. ๐Ÿคค 

I should’ve stopped at half. 

I keep thinking today’s Friday too. I hate when I lose a day.  I’ve got so much to do.  

And I was just ๐Ÿ‘€ ing for my phone.  That is in my hand ๐Ÿ˜‚.  Anyone else do that?  Say yes puhleese.  

Oh well, lunch is over.  Back at it. As always more to come.