07/28/2017 – J-Dub's Grin and Bear It

They live inside in my head ~ Cheap Trick

A few weeks ago a fellow blogger asked his readership

Do you remember your dreams?

I wish I could remember who he was in order to pingback and credit but I only commented instead of Like so I cannot find his original post. If he happens to see this then shout out as I would love to recognize you.

My answer was “Ever since I started airing my subconscious through blogging, I quit dreaming. If I do dream, I don’t remember”

Then yesterday Lulu got the all clear. Her doctor said she’d see her in a year for routine annual checkup. Of course if something feels off she shouldn’t wait and should to go back right away. But basically she’s ok to proceed with life as she knew it.

I remember life as she knew it. I don’t want to go back there. I want her to move forward. All of a sudden I’m panicking. She’ll be leaving us again.

I really had no idea how much I was repressing my worry. Sure, I let a few things slip out. Don’t laugh. Ok laugh. I let everything hang out. This is me cycling:

Blab, blab, blab – feel better!

Rinse and repeat 😳

And the undercurrent of worry was always there. After her appointment I felt sweet relief. I also could not come up with a coherent thought to blog our good news.

Last night, I put all my devices away.

I even took my glasses off so I could not see to read.

I was forced to just sit in my feelings until I went to bed.

Billy Bob’s alarm goes off at 5 AM each workday and my alarm does not go off until 6. Alarm is on my side of the bed. Uh duh! I control time and space 🚀. 😂

This morning when I turned off the 5 AM alarm, I fell back into a very deep sleep and I had a dream. A weird dream.

Red altar server robes and coffins. A woman refusing to participate saying incense and holy water were sacrilege. Telling me I’m going to hell. I’ve served Mass for a few funerals in my day and incense and holy water are part of the service.

In the dream, I’m trying to explain the ritual when the sprinkling of holy water becomes a deluge. Water is rushing and we’re being soaked as the priest now throws water on us. I feel like I’m drowning.