This has to stop

I picked up two new books.  One is a jaunty spoof on Hollywood and tabloid reporting.  The other a true story on death and dying.  I start reading the jaunty spoof first because after Luckiest Girl Alive, I needed something more uplifting.

Well, … I cannot get interested in the spoof.  Reads farcical (if that’s even a word???).  I have already jumped to the ending and read that … a bad habit that I quit doing years ago … skipping to end and reading the final paragraphs first … anyone else do that?

Anyway just blah 😦

So I start on the true story.  I am hooked.  Emotionally connected.  Crying like a baby.  So much so I had to take a break and purge these feelings.  Because all the while, things are a train wreck around here.

We tried to have a good day.  Really we did.  The three amigos – Billy, Lulu and I ate breakfast then headed to Home Depot (there’s a boat load of home maintenance going on around here).  Shower leaking with first attempt at DIY by da man, two new ceiling fans for den, moving one of the old fans into our room, new kitchen sink!

So we would not be in his way, Lulu and I dropped Big B off at home with the goods, then headed back out for pedis.  Milk and honey with 30 minute massages.  Heavenly!!

Followed by return to Bed, Bath and Beyond since Amazon had better deal on my coffee mug tree. Then over to Barnes and Nobles to use our coupons for bookmarks and fairy tales.

We had lunch at the Cheesecake Factory and even used valet parking. Tre chic.  I was content and grateful.  Blessed to be able to do this when so many go without.  Some days I have to pinch myself.

Next stops Sherman Williams (final three gallons of paint so B can finally finish up the exterior as if all the interior work is not enough for one day), CVS (for RX because we are a Big pharma’s dream.  Sidebar, that topic could become a rant onto its’ own and maybe it will one day) and library to get the death and dying book which had been on hold.

All the while there is an undercurrent of doom and gloom.  Almost time to make the dorm payment but wondering do we hold off in case she can’t go back?  She does not have the all clear and might be easy to say “it’s nothing until it’s something” but truth is we do not know.

All this waiting sucks.  There is a cloud of doubt weighing heavy on our minds. Well, my mind anyway.  I carry the weight alone.  I am fine most of the time but in quiet moments, fear makes an attack.  But I keep my big mouth shut.  Well, except for when I don’t … which is far too often … and except for here, of course.

What’s the worst that could happen?  The tests reveal the need for another surgery (I stop short of thinking it’s cancer.  That was ruled out!!!!).  She has endured far worse things.  I have to remember she is strong.

What’s the worst that could happen?  The surgery causes her to drop out or maybe just delay her education.  She has endured far worse things.  I have to remember she is strong.

What’s the worst that could happen? This has to stop!  

I am making stuff up.  Going through all my worst case scenarios.  Maybe ALL of this is a blessing in disguise.  This! whatever this? turns out to be.  I am going to quit now while we’re ahead.

As always, more to come.