In fact, I’m the opposite of patient. People tell me “But J-Dub, you’re so calm and patient” When I answer the phone, people try to leave a message because I sound like a fucking answering machine. Stepford much? So now the band-aid comes off and the wound is exposed. That zen sweetness was all an ACT for the first 40 some odd years of my life. Well, not really an act but rather a self coping mechanism.
If I liked you and I let you in, you may have seen beneath the veneer of faux serenity. Yet always underneath, I was screaming and out of control on the inside. Though after 2014, when I almost lost Billy Bob in the fall, I stopped caring what other people thought and for the first time in YEARS I started to speak up. I became crazy me for all to see. Now that should be MY mantra “crazy me for all to see” Either that or “I’m angry as hell and I’m not going to take it any more” or BEST OF ALL channeling my inner Joan Crawford, as played by Faye Dunaway in Mommy Dearest telling off the Pepsi executives “DON’T FUCK WITH ME FELLAS!!!”
All in good time is for the birds. I’ve spent my life undoing puzzles, putting them back together again and figuring out root causes. I’m at a point now where I can tell you the best option quickly. I HATE to WAIT! I have no patience for slow responses. Watching and having no control over circumstances which are beyond my control is excruciating.
What is the crisis de jour you ask? The weather! Where’s the rain?!? They said it was supposed to rain today and we have not a drop of water!!!!!! See my tendency to misdirect my feelings is a habit that may never end. Who cares about the weather?!? Well we all SHOULD but that’s a different rant entirely.
The real crisis is my baby girl, our sweet wouldn’t hurt a fly Lulu goes into surgery on Friday 6/2. She will be under general anesthesia. That in itself is a risk. Not cancer, thankful for small victories but not nothing either. I cannot stop thinking that as we WAIT, the CYST gets even bigger. She could lose her right ovary, fallopian tube or both. We have not nailed down minutiae admin details yet either. We are waiting for a callback by 5/25 to finalize the details! WAITING! I am scared. And I cannot let on that I am actually terrified. So I come here to write and expel the demons. Then I slap on the spackle of rainbows and sunshine. While a new version of “its nothing until it’s something” plays in my head.
As always more to come.