Will I be ready when the other shoe drops?

J-Dub's Confessions

Motherhood a pain you never forget. Or is that childbirth, a pain you always forget? 

Some say in order to experience pure joy you first have to experience pure sorrow.  That’s me recently with my mood swing roller coaster of emotions.   I’m running the gamut between the two.  

On a constant loop in my brain, I have a list of things I worry about.  Exclusively, my worries relate to my kid.  Billy Bob asked me yesterday:  Why do you do that? Why do you always assume the worst? Can’t you give it a chance to work out? Without the unnecessary freak out? And he’s got a point. Dammit I hate it when he’s right. Which is most of the time.

At the moment, the sun is out and things are better. Last night was one of the worst nights of my life. I didn’t realize how the anniversary of the painful event would affect me but it has affected me immensely.  And I realize there are still things that need to be done so we can move forward. And I’m overwhelmed with what’s out there. And I don’t have time for this pity party. 

So I stepped away to eat lunch. And I’m sitting here in tears.  They are absolutely flowing. And it’s OK because the rest of the Riverwalk crew are other places today.  No one to ask me “hey are you OK?” Because I think if asked I would fall to the floor. 

Why does love have to hurt so much? Because that’s what this is. Love for my kid. And I feel the need to defend and protect her.  I vascillate between love and anger with good measure of guilt piled on. 

She’s trying very hard.  As I see her trying, I’m rocked to my core.  Who the hell else cares about how hard she tries or how well intended she is except me or her dad?  Who else would love my child to the depths that I do?

You see I know HOPE.  She can be a fickle bitch.  And LIFE well she’s not fair.  I’m helplessly standing by waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I be ready? Or will I fold?

Thank goodness my appointment is tomorrow. I think next time I’m going to schedule two weeks out not a month.   Had it not been for the outlet of these past few writings, I might’ve ended up in hospital psychiatric ward. 

I get down on my knees and pray.  Thank you music.  The classic Who. 

As always more to come. 

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13 thoughts on “Will I be ready when the other shoe drops?

  1. I see a lot of myself in this, Jill. Having two daughters, I totally understand you worry. We fight like Mother(s) bears when anything hurts our children… and we should. I know I ALWAYS will.
    If you find it hard to say things, use your blog for your appointment. Many times it IS easier to write things out than to say things. It’s hard to find the write words at times (especially those appointment times) and we forget we should have said this, or we are too afraid to hear the words echoed within a room. Whatever the case may be, your blog allows you the freedom to “say” things that are burning in your heart and soul. Bring it to your appointment so they can see the REAL you.
    Living with worry is no fun. Thank goodness for pharmaceuticals! I would also recommend reading The Book of Joy with the Dalai Lama and Bishop Tutu. There are even activities to do in the back of the book called Joy Practices.
    You always have me in your corner as well! HUGS~

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Terry. My appointment went well yesterday. I said some things out loud, things I was afraid to hear echo in the room as you put it and realized I was wrong. I’ve been in deep denial. I tried to write about the appointment and still might. Thanks for the recommended reading also. That’s one thing My therapist and I agree on, I’ve gotta stop reading depressing shit. Well that and ALL medical articles must be banned from my view. These articles make me certifiable. I appreciate that you’re in my corner in more ways than words can say. I’m with you too! 💕

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh, I am so heartbroken for you…I wish I could say something to lessen your torment. I hope you find some small measure of comfort of knowing that you are not alone…that you are heard, you are precious and irreplaceable…you are brave and you will make it! You don’t have to do anything but move through this the best you can…no pressure to be a certain way, or to bow to anyone else’s expectations…no one is walking in your shoes. Try to take care of yourself by being compassionate with yourself….you are feeling lost and afraid and you do not deserve to feel any additional pain in the form of guilt or self-recriminations…you are a wonderful and loving soul and you deserve to be free–AND a mother…the two don’t have to mutually exclusive…try to tell yourself that…try to have faith….you can do this….I am praying for you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “I’m helplessly standing by waiting for the other shoe to drop. Will I be ready? Or will I fold?” If you are like me, and most folks, more than likely you will do both, if that makes sense. Praying for you Jill.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate the offer. It’s weird I can write my heart out but I can’t speak. There are such secrets inside of me I’m telling you it’s eating me alive. And every time I think it’ll be better if I just get it out. Then it comes spewing out. And I’m only better for a little while.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I know exactly what you mean. It’s kind of an exercise in keeping the madness at bay. A release valve before you completely lose it. And you think ah! That’s the last of it, but here it’s a goddamn hydra and you have three new heads of bullshit.

        You’re strong though. I know you’re tired of reminding yourself that. I am
        Sure more than anything you really just want to be weak and let that freight train run you down. You know you won’t, but you’re damn tired of staring at it bearing down on you. I don’t have anything in the way of advice, but I will say that you’re not alone. ❤️

        Like

      2. Yep there’s a lot of us. I get there’s safety in numbers. It does helps to have an outlet to vent. Tired explains how I feel perfectly. Bone tired and weary.

        Like

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