No Caller ID

Life

Every time I get a call from NO CALLER ID my stomach drops. I know it’s coming from the team assisting GP. They have to do that … block their number … because their clients are … not sure I can find a politically correct adjective.  One told me blocking is for safety reasons.  And I completely understand that.  

Like Forest Gump said “you never know what you’ll get”.  I expected a case worker but it was GP.  Yesterday he had an appointment to qualify him to go into a nursing home.  And boy he was pissed.  The case worker was there in the background calming him down.   It amazes me how much patience they have and how they always seem to know what to say.  

Me I figured it out too.  Sort of.  One thing is certain.  You can’t argue with a paranoid schizophrenic.  So instead I now say some of the craziest things back. Things I never thought would come out of my mouth.   Example:

GP “they’re stealing my mail!”

Me”I know! But I have someone surveilling the house. Your mailbox is on watch 24 seven. They can’t get away with that ever again!”

GP “thanks for that I feel better”

And… we’re done.  He drops the issue.  

It’s really sort of sad and sometimes the stuff he tells me isn’t just in his mind, it’s true. Because unfortunately people can be oh so cruel.   

He really would be better off in a nursing home. He’s got lots of issues, physical ones too and where he’s at now it’s a little bit of bedlam.  

I confirmed there’s a new house manager. The nice gentleman who was working with us most recently has taken a different job. It is a revolving door and certainly understandable … again hard luck stuff.  

The new house manager sent me GPs picture. I have not seen him in at least a decade.  When I saw him smiling,  holding his construction paper Easter egg like a preschooler, I lost it completely. The guilt was unbelievably overwhelming.

Today as we confirmed the nursing home was still only an option, and that he would be staying where he’s at right now, I mentioned to him that TA sent me his picture. He apologized for not smiling with his teeth because after all he no longer has many of them. He has a deep-seated fear of the dentist and refuses to go.  The few times they got them there, they had to sedate him. And that never really works well. 

AnyWho I have no idea why am writing all of this because who really gives a shit? I just know I need to expel the demons. That’s just the way it is. And I figure I’m writing my little blog for me anyway. Though I always hope someone will stop by and read it. And realize how blessed they are.   

And no I’m not going to preach to you. Because that’s the absolute worst thing to do.   To tell someone in pain that they should be grateful.  

Generally speaking, we all should be grateful. But to be reminded of it by someone else is really rather condescending.  I realize for my entire life I’ve been minimizing myself and my feelings by looking outward and seeing the worst of the worst and saying at least that’s not me. That doesn’t mean that what I’m going through doesn’t also suck. The degree to which it sucks may vary but is still valid.  My feelings are valid! I have a really hard time believing that. 

As someone wise just told me yesterday, “pain and problems are not a competition Jill. Quit saying you have champagne problems.   This life isn’t a contest you have to win” 

As always, more to come. 

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5 thoughts on “No Caller ID

  1. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling emotions. They are all valid in their own time and for their own reasons. There is meaning, as well as a time and place for everything. Try to verify them and understand why they are there. It sucks to do at times, but it validate those emotions. And they are valid!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m the same way. As bad as it has ever been, someone else always has it worse. Which as why “pain is not a competition” now resonates with me. I’m no longer suppressing those bad feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

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