Nerves 

Life

I’m not ready for this week to be over.  Makes no sense but little does … to me … in this moment. I’m having trouble explaining the morose feelings about getting back to “normal”. 

I’ve got writer’s block.  Right when I most need to expel the demons.  I’ve got physical symptoms too. I assume the mental is manifesting itself in physical ways yet in the back of my mind I think “what if this time I’m right?”  

Next I move on to “girl you’ve got champagne problems” as I itemize the atrocities in this world.  The list is mind boggling.  A coping mechanism I’ve used my entire life.  And I realize I’m beyond blessed yet I still hurt.  Why? why do I hurt?

Queue the guilt.  I’ve no reason for this … this whatever this is.  And I’ve had enough therapy to know that’s the absolute worst thing to tell someone.  Equivalent to saying “snap out if it” or “why can’t you just get over it”

I do this all the time.  I minimize myself … my feelings … disappearing into emptiness. Floating away into nothingness.  Aching and powerless to change.  Unable to stop thinking.  Obsessing.  

Of course I know all the rhetoric and platitudes. Always the A student; I know just the right thing to say … to do.  I’m in control of only one thing.  ME! My reaction.  But I’m tired.  So fucking tired of holding it all together.  I’m having trouble wishing myself well.  

But wish is what I continue to do. And Pray. I don’t want to end it all.  As bad as it gets, it has never been that bad. Though I understand or think I know how that can happen.  Empathy and all judgments removed.  There but for the grace of God go I. 

When one of your very first memories is sickness, death and dying … the sounds and smells of disease, the fear can be overwhelming.  I was supposed to be too young to remember and my memories may be false. 

Yet in my mind’s eye, I see it.  Woolworth’s.  Mothers Day gift.  Skipping down the aisles in a red gingham dress.  We get a pitcher and 4 juice glasses with cherries on them.  Back home, running around the bed.  Oxygen tank is knocked over.  We’re in big trouble!   We could have caused the whole house to explode.  There are tears.  Nerves are screaming.  Then he died a few weeks later.  In fact, I think this memory is why the “big sleep” scares the hell out of me. 

As always, more to come.  

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11 thoughts on “Nerves 

  1. Life continues to come at me fast… no matter how sweet it can be. Know that you are not alone. Others struggle with all the same anxieties and thoughts. We’ll all ,are it through, I promise..

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    1. There is comfort in not being the only one but then sadness that others experience the same. In a perfect world well… everything would be perfect. No pain, no suffering. Thanks for reading and thanks for the encouragement.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh….my heart goes out to you….of late, I’ve had conversations about how challenging it is– for those who have so much going for them– to be plagued with demoralization…for, when someone is struggling to make ends meet, is in a dysfunctional family and/or relationship etc–they can take comfort in the hope that finding their way to a better life will change their outlook and free them from depression, anxiety, emotional trauma….it can be a special kind of torture when you have a certain degree of privilege and you feel guilty for being human and vulnerable. I hope that sharing your pain is helping…you are brave and resilient…and I just know others can relate to you…I can …thanks for sharing…

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    1. It helps that there are people like you who understand. The writing helps because it takes the bad thoughts out of my head. It’s help more to give specifics but I stop at innuendo. Several have asked if this is short fiction. But no, it’s not.

      Unfortunately more people are not sympathetic. Unless you’ve personally experienced anxiety or depression, understanding the fall out is hard. Champagne problems are easily dismissed. I had a bit of a wallow yesterday and a bad night but I’m up and determined that today will be different. Change is inevitable and happens while we’re looking elsewhere. This too shall pass! Thank you for reading and sharing your wonderful feedback.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you! And, I think I will write a post inspired by our exchange (if you don’t mind…and, I will give the link to your blog…if you don’t mind). I just wrote/posted one inspired by a comment another blogger posted…you might like it…there are no riddles/puns etc…which is the point….Anyway, no pressure….and let me know if it’s okay to write about our exchange related to privilege and mental wellness 🙂

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